Wednesday, December 31, 2008

It's Been A Week!

I can't believe it's been a week since I posted. Christmas was wonderful. My mom got us the crib for Lilly and my sister made her the cutest blanket and pillow set. We've spent most of the week cleaning out Lilly's room and trying to get things ready to paint. I never realized how much crap was in there! Our house guests have moved out and we've moved all the furniture to the basement.

My MIL and I went shopping Monday and got some great deals. We bought two bags worth of clothes for Lilly for $28. It was a consignment shop and everything is in great shape! It looks like it was never warn. I also got a good deal at Old Navy on some maternity shirts too. 3 shirts for $6 a piece.

Nothing much else going on. I took the tree down Monday night because the stupid thing fell over. Scared the crap out of me and broke some ornaments. Oh well, at least it's done now. I still have some stuff to take down, but I don't have the ambition. OK, back to Lilly's room...

Happy New Year everyone!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Merry Christmas Eve to All...

I can't believe it's already Christmas Eve! I'm so happy to have all my wrapping done (I finished last night around 9:30) and all I have to do now is sort out what gifts go to which house with us. I was even smart and saved all our boxes and big bags this year to pack them in!

I'm excited, only 4 more hours of work and then I'm off for a week! The only part that sucks is that B clicked ok on some stupid Antivirus thing on my laptop and now the stupid thing doesn't work right. It's trying to block everything on the Internet. Ugh, and it isn't showing up so I can uninstall anything. I guess I'll just try deleting the files when I get home and see if that works.

Not much else really going on. I'll get on my old desk top if I have to and put up some pictures of the things Lilly gets for Christmas.

I hope everyone has a happy and safe holiday!

Monday, December 22, 2008

Feeling Good

I have to say I've been feeling great! With the exception of some aches and pains. Mentally I'm feeling great! I'm excited for Christmas, especially being that I have everything pretty much done and ready. I'm not stressing over anything! All my wrapping will be done by tomorrow night when B is at bowling (his is the only stuff left, and there are only a few of them)! Then Wednesday night I have to sort all the gifts based on what house we are taking them to, but that's not the hard part, finding something to take them in is always the pain is the butt! One last stop today to get some picture frames and a shirt for my dad and we're all set!

My physical pains aren't really that bad, just slightly inhibiting. I can tell my pelvis is widening because it was very painful Saturday while walking around the mall. Especially my hip and lower back. And then yesterday I keep getting a sharp pain on the inside of my thigh, but it seems to be gone today. B was great about it and made me rest. He actually yelled at me when I protested because laundry needed to be done. May sound weird but I liked it.

Oh yeah and Buffalo finally won another game yesterday!!! And Lilly seems to be getting used to all the yelling that Mommy does. I'm glad I read that babies that hear things like dogs barking and loud noises while in the womb tend to sleep through it better when they are born. Cause she'll definitely be at football with us and well, there's no quieting us down!

Hope you are all enjoying things like I am today! And if you want a good laugh head on over to my good friend Cindy's blog!

Friday, December 19, 2008

21 Weeks

Well I'm 21 weeks today and strangly excited. I haven't been excited about counting the weeks in quite a while, but today is different. Maybe because now I feel like I'm starting to count down, instead of up?

I found out last night that baby girl doesn't like Chinese food. She woke up and started kicking like normal, but instead of the normal area she was kicking my cervix. This hurts mommy little one. I promise not to eat chinese if you promise to stop kicking there...
Other than that, not much going on. We are getting a "BIG" snow storm today. We're expecting 10-14 inches by midnight. Most of it coming this afternoon, around evening commute time. Yeah, but in good news, today is the last Friday before the holiday break at work. What's the big deal in that you ask? Well, it's a pregnant ladies dream come true... our engineering department (the one I'm in) has what we call a Holiday Luncheon. It really isn't a luncheon though. It's constant grazing all day! Everyone brings in a dish to pass and we basically eat all day. Want to know some of the wonderful foods? Well, I'm going to tell you anyway... Strawberry truffle cake, spicy taco dip, buffalo chicken dip, rye boat, peanut butter balls, goulash, and the list goes on and on. Oh I can't wait to start eating!!!
So that's about it for me today. Nothing to complain about and happy the weekend is almost here! Oh yeah and we are almost certain to have snow for Christmas this year! Besides the storm today we are expected to get one every other day until Wednesday!


Wednesday, December 17, 2008

So Excited!

First I want to say Congratulations to my friend Heather who just had her little girl! She doesn't have a blog for me to link to, but she's been great support for me while TTC and worrying about a miscarriage. Congrats B and Heather!!!

I'm so excited for the holiday to get here and be gone. Besides Thanksgiving it's one of my favorite days of the year. We get to see everyone and they're all in such a good mood! And I hate opening the gifts cause I just love a Christmas tree with pretty presents sitting under it. But this year I think most of my excitement comes from wanting to buy stuff for my little Lillian. See at this point my mom has hinted that she may be getting the crib for us for Christmas so I don't want to run out and buy one until I know. And I feel so rushed right now. Lilly's room is a disaster with her father's hunting stuff and my clothes and extra computers that we never use. Well that's not true, we use the one because it's the only one with a printer. So at the moment I feel really unorganized and the week after Christmas is when every thing is going to get started. I have the week off and we are going to get some major work done!

And of course our house guests are contributing to the fact that nothing is getting done because their "room", our basement, is where the computer and desks and stuff are going. And they should be moving out the week after Christmas too! Not that they are moving far, they rented the apartment right below us! Right now B is helping them with the cleaning and work that needs to be done before they move in, but based on what B says the plan is, they should be done with the next week or so. Oh I just can't wait to get started. I should really be working, but I think I may work on my registry a little this morning!

Happy Hump Day everyone!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Sleep and not much else...

Yes, I got some sleep last night!!! I went to bed at 9 and didn't wake up until 5:30! Well not completely, I got up 5 times to go to the bathroom, but it never took me long to fall back to sleep! I actually feel awake today!

Besides that there isn't much going on really. I'm excited to be almost done with my Christmas shopping! I only have 2 people left to shop for, leaving B with 3 people including me. And I'm so excited to give him his presents! That's my favorite part of Christmas, watching other people's faces when they open your gift. I told B last night I can't wait to give him his stuff and he says "I don't know why, I didn't tell you I wanted anything." My response, "That's the best part!"

Being that I don't have much else to write about, I want to ask what your holiday traditions are. B kind of upset me this last weekend because he thinks my family's tradition is stupid and I want to know what you all think. *He's never been into Christmas. Even as a child he wouldn't get up and he'd tell him mom "The presents will be there at 10 when I want to get up."*

Ok, so my tradition: We always opened our stockings, then went and got cookies and hot coco, and coffee. Then one person plays Santa. Each person gets a gift and then we open them one by one. Showing everyone what we got and thanking the person who got it for us. It takes a bit longer, but I love watching everyone's faces and knowing that everyone knows what gifts I got for them. I think it promotes appreciation and thoughtfulness.

B's tradition: (His sister was allowed to open her stocking while waiting for B to get out of bed, sometimes she had to wait 4 hours!) They would pass out all the gifts and then open them all at once.

You see B doesn't like my tradition because he says it takes too long and we spend so much more time at my mom's than anywhere else because of the way we do things (1, that's not true, we spend just as much time at his uncle's with his family and 2, starting next year the only house we are going to is his uncle's, we are asking everyone else to come to us.) The part I don't understand is that B doesn't like Christmas because he thinks it's too commercialized. The way I see it, my tradition takes some of the commercialization out of it. It makes you appreciate the time and thought that some one else put into buying something for you. And in my experience with his tradition, the kids don't even know who got them what. I hate the thought of my children not thanking the people that gave them a gift.

Now that this has turned into a really long post, I'll get to my point. We were talking about how our own family tradition will be and we kind of argued. We have eliminated most travel and we like the idea of doing "our Christmas" on Christmas eve and having Christmas day be about the kid(s). Besides that we can't agree on anything. I think we should do things like my family, especially to teach appreciation and if we aren't doing "Our Christmas" that day, it won't take as long. But B wants to do it his way.

So here's my questions:
1) What's your tradition?
2) Do you think I'm wrong for insisting that we do things the way my family has?

Any help is much appreciated, and suggestions on how we could combine the two would be great too! I know we have a whole year to figure it out, but it really hurt when he said "Your tradition is just stupid."

Monday, December 15, 2008

Random Stuff

Losing my mind ~ you know when you are trying to get pregnant and it's frustrating you and you hear these pregnant women complaining about "pregnancy brain" you just laugh and think "whatever". Well I have come to the conclusion that it really does exist. I'm not really complaining about it cause if that's the worst thing effecting me right now, I'm doing great! But the fact that I now heavily rely on spell check because I can't remember how to spell simple words like niece (is it ie or ei?) or remember my poor niece's name just drives me insane some times. B cracked up the other day when I asked him how to spell niece. See normally I'm a very good speller and he is constantly asking me.

Sleeplessness ~ This has become a major issue in my mind, but not so much physically... yet. Saturday night I went to sleep around 9:30 and woke up about 1. I lay in bed for 45 minutes tossing and turning and decide to get up and watch TV on the couch. I didn't want to wake B cause he was getting up early to hunt. Well finally around 5 I start to doze off again. But that was when B woke up, realized I was gone and panicked. He came looking for me and scolded me for not just staying in bed and turning on the TV, I can't win. So anyway, he took me back into bed and rubber my back to help me fall asleep. Then he got up to let the dogs out. I still couldn't sleep. I think around 7 I finally fell back asleep for 2 hours, if that, and it was restless sleep. I never napped all day and still had trouble falling asleep last night. Finally around 11 I think I passed out, only to wake up 5. I'm tired and yawning now, but I don't think I could actually sleep if I laid down. I thought this wasn't supposed to come until the 3rd trimester when you're so uncomfortable?

The Nursery ~ Here is a picture of the nursery bedding we've picked out. I just love the pink and white and different textures. I think we might go with paint the color of the green in the blanket, but we haven't decided yet. Let me know what you think...


Well I now have lots of updating to do on my blog design. Maybe I'll do some work today too...

Friday, December 12, 2008

Half Way There!!!

First thing first...

The u/s was great, but it would have been better if I hadn't had to sit in the waiting room for a half hour. The orange juice I drank worked, but wore off before they started the u/s. Everything is measuring on schedule, but she is currently breach. My midwife said she has plenty of time to turn around and I'm sure she does, but her butt was stuck down in the smallest part of my uterus making her legs squish together. After explaining this the tech all of a sudden said "I have to go, I'll be back." It had me worried, so while she was gone B and I had a talk with baby. I sat up and tried pushing on my belly a little. Well it worked. She moved just enough to get a glimpse. I'll post some pictures at the end.
Then after the u/s we went and got our Christmas tree!!! I might decorate it today being that I took the day off to go shopping and can't go any where cause the roads are so bad. After bringing the tree home we went to register for baby stuff. It was fun. I'll post the bedroom stuff in another post.

Once we got home B got a call from one of our friends. His wife had been in the hospital all day. Earlier this week she was diagnosed with kidney stones, then yesterday she went to the hospital with severe headaches. They gave her a spinal tap and determined after that she had a brain aneurysm (sp?). This meant that she needed to be transferred to a hospital 60 miles away. Well her DH was in no shape to drive, especially being that the roads were terrible. So B said he would drive him being that he was coming home after he knew she was ok and settled in so he could take care of their girls. Well I didn't sleep well cause B didn't get home until 5:30 this morning. It was very frustrating, I was worried he'd be in a terrible accident or something. He said they had to go 30mph all the way home on the highway this morning. a normally 45 min trip took them an hour and a half.
Well I think that's about it for now. I'm tired, but I have a lot of things I can get done if I'm not going shopping today.




Tuesday, December 9, 2008

So Exciting

So today's post is on the total opposite end of the spectrum from yesterday. The most amazing thing happened last night. . . I felt the baby move from the outside!!! I felt it a few times and then I called B in the room and he felt it too! The little one kicked 4 or 5 times, it was amazing. B only got to feel it once and I said "did you feel it?" He says "Well I think so, something moved." All I could think was "Well what else is going to make my stomach move like that? I just can't believe it, I've been waiting for it to happen and it finally did. I really thought I was going to be a good 22 weeks before that happened.

Not much else going on, I finished all the decorating last night except the tree, which we still don't have! I swear I'm going to move those damn recliners by myself! I did talk B into giving them to our house guests when they move out though. We really have no need for them especially when we are going to need room for a pack-n-play in the living room.

OK so that's about it.


Monday, December 8, 2008

Rants and More Rants

Well my weekend started off terrible! Friday night B was a JERK. He had his "Christmas Party", everyone he worked with met at the bar. Some party, anyway the plan was he wasn't going to stay long so I was to go shopping and pick him up at 6:30, then we were going to go to dinner. Well at 6:30 I go to pick him up and he decides he's having fun. And everyone wanted to go to a different bar to get pizza and wings. It was right down the road so I said ok. On the way I told him I don't plan on being out late. So we're at the other bar for like 2 hours and it's 9 and me and his bosses wife are bored. And I start not to feel good. Of course B is feeling great after shots and who knows how many beers. Well his coworkers start talking about going to another bar. He says to me "want to go?" And I was shocked. I had just got done telling him I wasn't feeling well and that I wanted to go home. So then he says well I can get a ride home. Well it might have been selfish of me, but I basically made it very clear to everyone there that I was mad and he should be coming home with me. I told him it was up to him to decided what he wanted to do. He says "well I don't want you to be mad at me." So I said "Well you probably shouldn't go then." Well he decided to go, until I called him and said "Why can't you just come home?" Of course after that he was the biggest jerk ever. Saying things just to hurt my feelings. Telling me that my mom was going to have to pay $100 for venison and how if I didn't get the futon moved by the time he was done hunting Saturday that he was going to smash it and all this other crap. It really hurt. All cause he doesn't know when enough is enough. And of course Saturday morning he didn't remember most of it.

So I spent most of Saturday by myself which gave me time to think about what happened Friday night. Which made me so mad most of the day. I did manage to clean out some more boxes from the basement though and get a bunch of Christmas shopping done. I've condensed 4 boxes from the basement into 2! And I only have a few people left to shop for! When B came home he was all sweet and lovey. Not in a suck up way, but in his normal way and it felt so good that after telling him he was a jerk the night before and that we will be talking about it, I let it go for a while. I didn't want to ruin what I needed at the moment. He even watched Christmas movies with me! He never watches Christmas movies.

Sunday was full of frustration. Our futon was supposed to be picked up at 10am, but the kid never showed up til 2pm. And because of that we couldn't get our tree. We needed futon 1 gone, so we could move futon 2 to it's location so we can move the recliners from the living room to where futon 2 was. That way we'd have room for the Christmas tree. Not that any of you really cared about that. So I was a little upset cause now I have to wait til probably Wednesday. Also as I was putting up the rest of our decorations I started getting weak and dizzy. I'd have to lay down every few minutes so I didn't pass out. Oh and the Bills lost, once again. Terrible coaching! On the plus side, we got our stroller! Maybe I'll put it together tonight or tomorrow.

As for today, besides the cold it's going pretty good. I swore I was going to get work done today being that I'm only working a 3 day week, but I haven't. Well that's not totally true, I've gotten more than usual done, just not as much as I hoped.

My belly has been feeling much fuller lately, kinda heavy and starting to feel stretched. And my stretch marks are gross. Nice and purple. DH was nice and tried to say they looked like dark veins, but you can't fool me!

Don't forget, only two more days to vote on Boy or Girl!

Friday, December 5, 2008

I Can't Believe It!

There's a few things actually.

First off, I'm 19 Weeks! I just never imagined I'd make it this far. In a week I'll be half way there. The time now feels like it's flying by. It certainly doesn't seem like it's been 4 months since I found out. And by this time next week we'll hopefully know if our little peanut is a boy or girl! Keeping fingers crossed Peanut won't keep it's legs crossed! Also in pregnancy news, last night when I rolled over in bed I put my hand on my belly and I was able to feel where the baby was! It was so amazing. But of course then baby moved and B didn't get to feel it.
In other "I can't believe it" news, I got my Christmas bonus this morning. I was for sure with the way the economy is we wouldn't be getting much this year, but it is substantially larger than last years and that makes me sooo happy! We really need it now. And B will be getting his tonight too. Of course his company is having a "Christmas Gathering" if that's what you want to call it. The guys are all meeting at the bar around 4:30 for drinks. Some party, come to the bar and spend your bonus on drinks! I told B that whatever his bonus is, is what he has to spend on me for Christmas. I hope I made the right choice in saying that!
Well I don't think there is much else today. Oh except one last thing...

My ass looks huge in this picture! The first on is this week and the second is last week. I can totally see a difference in the bottom of my belly! Oh and I also noticed I'm starting to have visible stretch marks around my hip bones. But I've had these a while from my up and down weight over the last few years. So there you have it, week 19 and counting.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Hump Day

I'm so glad this week is about half over. Well, I'm glad until I start thinking about the fact that it's one less week I have to do Christmas shopping and what not. Do you know how many people I've bought for? 1! Do you know how many people I know what I'm getting them? 4 and that's only because they are all getting the same general thing. I just have no ambition this year. I can't wait to wrap, cause I love that part, but I have no idea what to buy. Not to mention we don't have much to spend, I don't even know if we are getting bonuses this year.

On the plus side of things these day, last night I started going through a few boxes in our basement. I figure if I go through 2 a night I'll have it done in no time. And the two I went through last night were a piece of cake. The first one had mostly my mom's stuff in it so I'm returning it to her (I swear she just wanted me to store things for her when I moved out). And the second was a box of already sorted garbage that never got thrown away last time!

Here's a question for you, do you keep old diaries?

Also on a happy note, my MIL ordered the stroller! I'm really excited to get it now.

Only 9 days left to vote on the sex of the baby!

Monday, December 1, 2008

Stupid Bowling!

Ok, so first, yesterday was only OK over all. The game sucked! B got drunk and stupid, and we sat in the rain through a 10-3 loss. Not fun! The only thing that made it fun was having my best friend there that I haven't seen since finding out I was pregnant. I miss her so much some times.
Today I was all excited because my MIL sent me an email and wants to buy me this stroller:



A girl she works with has it and loves it. Said it's much easier to maneuver than the 4 wheel and it now fits the Graco Sung Ride and Safe Seat infant seats. Which is what I want. I think this one matches pretty nicely.

But B and I said that we would like to go and try out some of the 3 wheeled ones cause we haven't used them first. So B and I plan that after the BIG u/s next week we'll go out and start registering. Well later I realize that our appointment is on a Tuesday, he bowls on a Tuesday. My appointment was at 1 and the chances of me getting out of there much before 3 are slim to none and he gets picked up for bowling at 5:30. Meaning the only place we could go is Walmart and well there isn't much there I want to register for. So I called and tried to reschedule my appointment for this Friday or Monday. Well of course the soonest they have is next Thursday at 8:30. UGH, that's another 2 days! I don't want to wait that long. But at least on the plus side I'll be able to spend the whole day celebrating with B. It's just so darn frustrating. I HATE bowling!!!

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Week 18 Happenings

Things really haven't been that exciting lately. I've mostly not been feeling overly social and my brain has been on vacation, therefore I haven't been blogging the way I normally do. Last week I was feeling quite weak. You that feeling like you just worked out so long your body feels like jello and you can't even lift your arms, yeah that's how I was feeling.
Thanksgiving was pretty good. We only ended up going to 3 of our 4 stops. It was nice though. I love seeing my family, and B's family. Plus I think I looked pretty cute...


OK, maybe not so much in the picture. For some reason B can't take a picture in a timely manner and I get frustrated. Then yesterday I took my 18 week belly picture.
Today was a sad morning. I had to say goodbye to my grandparents again. They are heading home again until the baby is born. I miss them so much when they're gone. On the exciting side I have to get the dresser/changing table design I want to my Grandfather so he can start working on it.
Well on top of that I need to get working on some Christmas presents, and prepare for tomorrows Buffalo Bills game!!! Yes we are going to the game, as crazy as that sounds! I'm really hoping I have fun. I'm a little worried about getting there 3 hours before the game and being cold. I think in the past the amount of beer I consumed helped with my body temperature. Oh well, we should have fun!
Hope everyone is having a good weekend!
Oh and PS, we've decided on the crib with the scrolling. I hope we can get it soon!

Monday, November 24, 2008

I'm Trying

Not to be so miserable today, but I just can't help it. Friday and Saturday were so great, yesterday was ok, and today I'm just miserable.
Friday night my nephew spent the night at our house along with Mono's (they guy staying with us) son and daughter. Saturday morning B too Bubby (my nephew) out hunting with him. Bubby is 9 and just loved it. He looked so cute wearing this bright orange hoodie that went almost to his ankles. He got to see 3 deer and was so excited. I went to breakfast with my grandparents. And when I came home Mono says to me "Wow, you're looking pregnant today." In a weird way it made me feel good. In the afternoon my grandparents came back to visit. They brought some wonderful baby gifts. I'll have to take some pictures. She made the cutest little sweater with bonnet and booties. I watched some movies, and we went crib shopping when B got back from hunting. It was a great trip! My mom and her fiance went with us. We had dinner first and then off to Burlington Coat Factory. Let me just say I think their collection is amazing! This is what we're looking at...


The one with the scroll design is the one that B likes and we've seen in person. I'm partial to the one without the scroll, but I have to call a store and see if they have it on the showroom floor. I want to make sure we aren't driving 2 hours for nothing. And if not I'll ask them the important questions like what wood it's made out of and so on. They are made by the same company so I'm not worried about quality being an issue.
And B was so sweet all that night, hugging and kissing and rubbing my belly. I love it when we have nights like that. He doesn't show much emotion in public.
Yesterday was a good day for the most part. I hated being home all morning alone, except I got to watch Christmas movies so that was nice. Then the Bills won!!! We really needed that. After the game we went to my FIL's, its always nice to visit with them for a while. And we went home and basically went to bed. But I wasn't feeling well. It started out with some shooting pains in my stomach and then it became that terrible nauseating feeling. You know where your stomach just doesn't feel right and you have that gagging feeling in the back of your throat. So I couldn't fall asleep and that feeling is still here this morning.
And on top of that my house is a mess. I refuse to clean all day while B is out hunting. There is no reason he should get to "play" all weekend while I'm home cleaning. So as a result my kitchen is an absolute disaster and I'm upset about it. Not saying that I couldn't have cleaned it, but I shouldn't have had to!

Friday, November 21, 2008

Another Week Down!

I can't believe it, 17 Weeks! I love how the baby looks this week, all curled up and cozy. I wish that's what I was right now, but oh well. Last night I basically had another nervous break down wondering how on earth we are going to pay for this baby. I call the insurance company last night to ask some specific questions about my plan and basically it covers nothing but part of the cost of delivery. I still have a $200 deductible to pay until January 1st before they pay for anything, and then January 1st my deductible renews to $225. After that I pay 10% of the bill. Except for the delivery. I have to pay $250 for that (even if I've met my deductible) and then 10% of the rest of the bill. I know this really isn't that bad compared to most, but it's still a shock to know that by may I have to have an extra $500+. Not to mention the furniture and what not. I've never been one to ask my family for money so I just don't know what to do.
I think tomorrow we are going to go furniture shopping now that we have a good idea of what we want. I'm going to see if my mom will come with me so she can help us decide. B just won't make a big decision like that and well I'm just indecisive.

And now for what you've been waiting for...



Don't mind the evil look in the first one. I swear it too B 5 minutes to take that picture and I just couldn't hold the smile any longer!
Thanks to everyone who's voted so far. If you haven't, you still have time!

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Boy or Girl?

Well now that we have a date for the u/s I've added a poll at the top of my sidebar to see what everyone thinks I'm having. I'll post weekly pics of my belly for those of you who like to guess based on that. Plus it's a count down to how many days til my u/s!

Last night we went and saw Madagascar 2. It was cute and nice to spend an evening with DH with no calls from his buddies and his complete attention for a few hours. Not that he doesn't give me attention at home, but some times I think I married a girl. Him and his buddies can't go two hours without talking to each other and knowing what the others are doing.

Not much else to report. I wish it was Friday!

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

We have a date!

Besides having to wait, which felt like forever but wasn't really that long, my appointment went great yesterday! My blood pressure was good, and according to their scale I lost a pound. I asked about omega-3 supplements and she said she isn't overly convinced of the affects on the baby, but I personally think it works. My SIL took it and my nephew is unbelievably smart. He was 4 years old explaining to his grandpa about how the batteries made his train work! So I think I'm going to start taking it, I figure it isn't going to hurt.

At the end of the appointment she always checks the heartbeat. So I lay back and she feels on my belly and my uterus is just and inch or so below my belly button so she puts the jelly on a little lower than that. No heartbeat, she moves down a little lower, no heartbeat, she says "pull your pants down a little farther", and there it is! She says "Your little one is still sitting on your bladder." with a little chuckle of course. And yes I knew that, I can tell when it moves off and back on cause well, I can wait longer in between bathroom trips. Apparently its comfortable there so who and I to complain.

And lastly she said to come back in 3 weeks! I was so happy she didn't say 4!!! So Dec. 9th we should be finding out what sex this little one is! I'm so excited the receptionist said the u/s takes about an hour, I can't wait to watch my baby for that long!

In painful news, I got my blood drawn for the quad screening. B didn't really want me to, but said he understands I'm a planner and I'd want to be prepared. But being that I hadn't made up my mind while at the OB office I don't even know when I'm getting the results back, which is good cause it's actually keeping me from worrying. And I have bladder issues. When I'm over tired and don't wake up at my normal time in the night to go to the bathroom I wake up later. And the problem with that is that it's pain that wakes me up. I'll roll over and try and curl up and the pressure of my legs coming up cause major cramping, like to the point I wanted to cry, I didn't even feel like I had to go to the bathroom cause it hurt so bad. But then I realized how long it had been and once I got over the pain of sitting up and then to the bathroom I was relieved. It was really scary at first though. I didn't know what was going on.

So I think that's it for now. I'm really glad that Thanksgiving is between now and my u/s. It will give me enough distraction.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Lets Try again

So yesterday B picked me up for my appointment and we had some extra time so we decided to go visit my mom for a few minutes. Well I left my purse (including the phone in it) in the car. So we get to my OB office and I check in at the window. The receptionist says "Oh Brandi, we tried to call you. MaryLou had an emergency at the hospital and had to leave. We'll have to reschedule your appointment." Of course! So now my appointment is at 11 this morning. Poor B was so upset. I told him it wasn't going to be anything special. But he didn't care, he said "I still want to know everything she has to say." Which made me feel good because there have been times when I wondered if he cared at all.

So not much to tell this morning. When does your energy come back though? I'm still so exhausted all the time. I have to force myself to get out of bed every morning, it's terrible. And even after my shower all I want to do is lay back down. Now I'm at work and writing this and I just want to lay my head on my desk and take a nap. "Energy where are you? Won't you please come back???"

Monday, November 17, 2008

Along with my energy...

Went my cleverness. I used to be able to think of half way decent titles that weren't so boring, but lately everything seems to be mundane.

I'm absolutely exhausted today and I'm not sure if it's the weekend catching up with me or not. Friday night I did talk B into going to BRU! We have one 45 min. north and another 45 min south of us. I decided to go to the one 45 min south. I'm hoping it was just a bad choice. During the hour or so that we were in there we saw two disgruntled customers. The first one was trying to get some help with something and couldn't find anyone, and the second wanted her item in a box that wasn't damaged and was having trouble getting it. Anyway, I wasn't overly impressed. But we looked at cribs to get an idea of what we want and realized our choices will be limited. We either need to get one with a drop rail, or a stationary that has a low side. My poor husband is only about 5'6" and wouldn't be able to bend over half the cribs with stationary sides. So I've started little research and comparison project that I hope to have done by the end of November. I also realized how excited B can actually get over this baby. It made me feel so good.

Saturday was a long day, although I managed to sleep in til 10. I went to the mall with my mother and sister. We were there from 2 until 7. That's lots of walking. When I got home I didn't even have the energy to put everything away. And I was quite upset because I bought this shirt that says "..And that's what happens when you party naked..." but they didn't take the ink tag off it.

So Sunday morning I was up at 4:30 with B so I could take him to the diner to meet up with his hunting buddies and I could have the Jeep. Well it turned out that none of the places in town that could help me get the damn ink tag off even opened til 11. So I got up that early for nothing cause B was done hunting at 10:30. In the end it was ok though cause I got the tag off. I spent most of the day in bed watching TV and working on Christmas presents for our parents (don't want to say what they are just in case one of them finds this blog). And I started that crib comparison project. Last night we went to my dad's and picked up the bassinet he got us. It isn't new, but it's only 9 weeks old. The girl that was using it moved back to England and couldn't take it with her. Maybe tonight I'll get a chance to take a pic.

Only other thing going on is that I have an appointment today. I'm not thinking it's going to be all that exciting, except I will probably be scheduling my anatomy scan, which I can't wait for!!!

Friday, November 14, 2008

4 Months Down

Well there isn't much to say besides 4 months down, 5 to go!!! I can't believe it. In approximately 4 weeks I'll hopefully be able to find out the sex of the baby! I really can't believe I'm here! I'm a little disappointed that I haven't really felt the baby move again since Monday, is that normal?
Anyway, my indigestion was terrible yesterday, but a nice warm shower and some Tums made me feel better. And as for feeling cute, well that didn't last long. I did take a pic though. Don't mind the crap in the background. I swear it will be a nursery by May!




Other than that, I'm feeling kinda crappy at the moment. I may just need to eat though, haven't done that yet this morning. I'm sure I forgot something, but it will have to wait...
Oh, OB appointment on Monday!

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Worries

So I've been reading the Baby Bargains book and it's been great. I've learned so much about cribs and the quality and important things. But it's got me thinking, I have no idea where we're going to get the money for this stuff! I mean I know we're fine for when the baby gets here, diapers, wipes and all that fun stuff, but the big things I don't know how we're going to get them!

We have a savings, but we really need it to pay off the bed we just bought, otherwise our credit card is going to be maxed out. And from what I've been reading we need to order furniture like now in order to have 2 months to set the nursery up. And I have no idea what I want yet! I was thinking about having my grandfather make the crib, but I don't know if that's a good idea cause I want it to match everything else. Ugh, I've always been indecisive and pregnancy is making it so much worse! Maybe I can design some sort of armiore that has a changing table in it or something. I'm pretty sure I read that the dressers tend to be more expensive than the cribs. Ugh here I go giving myself more options!

Not much else to talk about. I'm still exhausted, but trying to deal with it. And my stomach has been off for a few days, it needs to get better like now!

Oh I forgot to add, I'm feeling kinda cute today. And when I went down to get 1st breakfast the cashier says "Are you expecting?" I said "Yup, that's why I'm down here a million times a day!" It's nice that I look pregnant now for the most part and not just fat!

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

So Much to Share

Well maybe not really. My head is quite foggy today and I can't seem to concentrate on anything, including writing a blog! So for my weekend... (the best parts at the the end!!!)

Friday night B was mostly wonderful. I got home and to my surprise he was fixing the vacuum cleaner (he's been promising to do this for 3 weeks now). The plan was to go buy one. So I sat in the chair to chit chat while he was working on it. But like the rest of the day I had too Pee again! Thing was, when I got out of the bathroom I found myself heading to "my bedroom" rather than back to the living room. I laid down and drifted in and out our consciousness for a while. I remember hearing a few things like the vacuum running and then not. Well after maybe a half hour I had to pee again. So I was awake. He comes in and says I want to show you something. I walk in the living room and the sweet man has rearranged it so that the couch is in front of the TV again. We had recliners there, but I hated them because it took the intimacy out of the time we spent together there. Then he informs he wanted to go spotlighting. That's why he was only mostly wonderful. He made me dinner and after I ate I was exhausted. He tucked me into bed about 8 and then went off to do his thing.

Saturday seemed terrible. I didn't feel like really doing anything, but I called my mom and talked her into going to the mall with me. I really needed to get out and at least get some walking in. So I told her I'd meet her at her house in an hour. So I get there and then had to wait another hour for her to be ready. I have to say I was quite annoyed. And after waiting that hour I was even more tired and miserable. So our time at the mall wasn't all that great. And then when Target didn't have the body pillows I really wanted to cry! It was my main purpose for going. But mom did buy my first package of diapers and I got some new awesome sheets! Of course when I'm about to cry over the pillows she says "Oh well they have them at Walmart" (Target is 30 minutes away from home, Walmart is 10 minutes). I refused to believe her because I was just as Walmart a week ago looking for them, and they were gone. So after an agonizing afternoon, that was at least good for my health I headed home. B got home shortly after and we went to dinner and then to WalMart, where I got the two most wonderful body pillows ever make. One side is like a microfiber and the other is like the crushed velvet feel. I love them!!! Oh and I finally got to sleep in my nice comfy king sized bed again. B was sleeping in the spare room, but I missed him so much that I felt like a little kid walking in there to lay with him. So I asked him to come back to our bedroom. I don't think he's contagious any more.

Sunday was typical. Relaxed in the morning and then Football at noon. B and I got in a fight after football because he wanted to road hunt on the way home and I didn't feel like it. I was just so mad that I cried and cried. Oh and it gave me the energy to do some dishes. By the time I was done I had finished crying and was just waiting for him to apologize for yelling at me and scaring the crap out of me while driving (I made him pull the car over). He was laying on the couch watching football so I went and got my book and sat in one of the recliners on the other side of the room. He offered a few times for me to lay down and I said no I was fine. Then he asked for the 4th time or so and finally I said "Do you want me over there with you?" and he said yes. He gave me a huge hug and said he was so sorry for being stupid and it won't happen again. After that it was a pretty good night.

Yesterday I woke up with a terrible headache. So I decided to stay home from work. I was going to do some wash and what not. But as the day went on I realized that any time I stood up longer than to walk to the end of the bed my head started throbbing. So needless to say, I didn't get out of bed much. B was great and waited on me though and even went to the store for the stuff I was craving. On an absolutely wonderful note I'm pretty sure I felt the baby move for the first time yesterday!!! It was like a few bubbles popping on the inside of my tummy, near the top of my uterus. It was amazing and I can't wait to feel it again. And I know it wasn't gas cause I can feel that move, these ones didn't move. Boy I can't wait til it's a consistent thing!

Anyway I'm back to work today and still feeling quite foggy. I think I remembered everything though!

Friday, November 7, 2008

Cramp Cramp Cramp

That's what I've been feeling for the past day or so. Nothing major or anything to worry about, but just that stupid growing achiness. And last night when I got home from work the baby must have decided it was most comfortable sitting on my bladder. I was going to the bathroom every 15 minutes for 2 hours. And not even drinking anything!

In other news I had a terrible dream last night that B was having sex with some big boobed blond. I woke up so sad. And I also had one that some guys were trying to shoot people with these arrow things and turn everyone into aliens. I was about to save the world when I woke up! The good part is that I know where the dreams came from. I found porn sites on our computer the other night and it bothered me. I mean come on, I feel fat and unattractive as it is. I don't need B reinforcing my feelings. I guess they come up when he goes to this one site that has funny videos and pictures and stuff. He said if is bothers me he will stop going there though and that made me happy. I guess the fact that we haven't been able to kiss each other or even sleep in the same bed for a week is starting to wear on me. And the other weird dream is from the Alien Resurrection commercial they've been playing on TV.

Ok, enough of that. Here's what you've all been waiting for...


Me at 15 weeks prego and wondering if I'll be able to fit through a doorway when I'm 40 weeks!

So happy it's Friday!

Thursday, November 6, 2008

First Breakfast

OK, if you've seen the first Lord of the Rings movie, you know there is a First breakfast and a Second Breakfast. Well I had the most amazing first breakfast this morning! I've been craving strawberry milk for two days now and we've been out of milk. So this morning I brought my strawberry syrup to work with me. B gave me a funny look when I put it in my bag. So when I got to work I ran down to get my milk, not knowing what else I was going to have (the bagels n cream cheese with bacon just aren't good for the waist line). But as I'm grabbing a lid for my decaf coffee I see a sign that says they have pumpkin muffins. So first breakfast was a pint of wonderfully delicious strawberry milk and a nice hot, fresh out of the oven pumpkin muffin. YUUMMMMM. Second breakfast will be a trusty bowl of Lucky Charms.

Ok, now that I shared that, I also had my follow up doctor's appointment yesterday. She said everything with the baby looked good. Growing right on schedule with a healthy heart beat. She also explained that the placenta is most likely what caused the brown spotting. She said that it should correct itself because the placenta continually grows to where the most blood is available and that's at the top of the uterus so it will grow up and the part down near my cervix should die off (she used some technical term I can't remember) and be re-absorbed. But I am on complete pelvic rest ("no sex, toys or fingers in there") until my next u/s which isn't going to be for another 4-5 weeks.

So that's about it for now. It's going to be a long frustrating day here at work. Things getting thrown at me all at once and they need to be done NOW!

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Keeping me on my toes...

So I got out of work early yesterday to go get my hair done. And then I was off to get my blood drawn. That surprisingly only took about 5 minutes including parking the car. After that I headed home where B was getting ready for bowling. I decided to go to subway cause I was hungry. This was about 4. Around 5:30 I was feeling exhausted so I went to lay down in my new room (the spare room with the crappy futon). I was laying there catching up on some board reading and all of a sudden I started getting these sharp pains in my cervix area. Not really the normal stretching cramps I've been getting. So I call my OB office and to my surprise some one answered. ML (my midwife) wasn't there, but the receptionist got her on the line and called me back and patched me through. I couldn't believe it, my old Dr. I would have just had to wait til morning! So anyway, I explain the feeling and that I can't tell if my cm has a brownish tint or if it's just a really dark yellow. She says "I want you to go to the ER and have them do an u/s just to be safe." On the one hand I was relieved that she is so proactive, on the other hand hearing her say go to the ER scared the crap out of me.

So I called my mom and we headed to the ER. I was pretty impressed there with how quickly they got me in. No waiting until I was in the room. And then I didn't have to wait long before the tech came in to do the u/s. All I can say is it was amazing! My little one had a nice hb of 156 bpm. The tech said that was good even though it's lower than the previous ones because of being farther along. s/he was moving around so much it was hard for the tech to get some measurements, but that was fine with me cause it meant I got to watch longer. The tech was great, she pointed out everything, arms, legs, heart, kidneys, bladder, everything. And she even tried to find the sex, but Peanut had it's legs closed. And she said it'd be nothing but a guess anyway. The doctor on duty said that he couldn't see any signs of a problem, but that the placenta is growing very close to the cervix and the ML will want to keep an eye on that. He didn't really explain anything more on that so I'm guess it just means that if it gets too close or grows over I'll need a c-section. I hope not, but I'll have to deal if I do. With that he discharged me with a diagnosis of a threatened miscarriage after reassuring me that it's just for safety measures and he thinks everything is fine. He said most likely the pain was caused by the baby pushing on the cervix and if it's starting now I will probably get all through the pregnancy like his wife. So yeah, more scary pain to come!

So here I am today, tired and waiting to call ML to set up an appointment.

PS - Sorry I didn't even think about taking a pic of my hair. I'll do that tomorrow

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Tiring Weekend

Well I haven't updated in several days. It was a long tiring weekend.

Friday night when I got home from work I was exhausted so I tried to nap, but every time I would start to fall asleep something would wake me up. Then I started to get hungry. So we went out to eat and then shopping. I wanted a body pillow so bad, but no where in town seems to have them. I was so disappointed I wanted to cry. I did get a puzzle to work on though, not that I need any more useless projects, but I like puzzles. So when I got home I started working on the puzzle.

Saturday I was actually able to sleep a bit in the morning. My sister had Family weekend at school so around noon I headed to Syracuse. We ate lunch and around 3 we started walking to all the places she wanted to show us. I think it was about 5 when we finally stopped. And I was so glad! The exercise felt good but all the walking was giving me cramps and my back started to hurt. So for about an hour we sat around, me waiting for B to get there. Then about 6 we started walking to the dome to watch the football game. By half-time I was so sore I couldn't take it. I waited for the game to start again and we headed home. I felt bad leaving early, but I just couldn't take it any more. I passed right out when I got home and only woke up once in the night. I was even able to sleep until 8am, I can't remember the last time I did that.

Sunday obviously started out nice with some extra sleep. I worked on my puzzle and made some breakfast. Around 12:30 B came home from hunting and we went to football. Which pretty much sucked. Mainly because B was drinking fast and then Buffalo started losing so he got miserable and argumentative. After that we went to his dad's for dinner. It was pretty nice. I fell asleep in the chair after dinner and then when we got home I went right to bed.

Monday was ok until I got home. B is so sick that when he got out of work he decided to go home and sleep rather than go hunting. He basically slept all afternoon, all evening and all night. This meant that I had the task of cleaning his crap out of the spare room so that I could sleep on the futon. I was so mad at him cause he's been promising me he'd clean it for weeks. And I ended up having to do it. He's lucky I didn't pull anything moving computer monitors (not the nice flat ones)! So then I ended up having to sleep on the crappy futon mattress cause our house guests have the good one. I did manage to get the memory foam topper from them though. I didn't really care if it was rude to ask. Then I even has to double up a comforter to sleep on to get the bed soft enough that I couldn't feel the wood under the mattress. And thankfully I had the brilliant idea to bring in my laptop to watch a DVD on (I always have the TV on when I fall asleep). SO this morning I'm a little cranky!

On the plus side, I'm getting my hair cut today and I just can't wait! It hasn't been done since April!!!

Friday, October 31, 2008

New Doctor

I had my first visit with my new midwife yesterday and I love her. I think she's great. She actually explained things to me like what the pains are and why my hands keep falling asleep. I'm also excited about the fact that they do their u/s right there in the office. I never really liked have a tech do it and then send the results to the Dr. The thing I don't like is that they apparently only do 1 u/s too. Why is that? I'm so frustrated. I just have this overwhelming fear that something isn't growing right. I need to see my baby. How do I convey this to my midwife without her telling me "what you're feeling is normal, everything is fine." I think I'll go crazy in the next 6 weeks if I have to wait that long. I wish you could rent u/s machines like you can dopplers!



As for the good things at the appointment, the HB is at 169 and it took her a while to get the number because the baby kept kicking the doppler. It made me smile! I got my flu shot. Not fun and my arm still hurts, but so worth it! Let's see, what else, oh yeah she tested my urine and said I'm pregnant! Yeah! And that I don't have any infections which is nice to hear. I go back in 2 week and most likely they are going to offer the Triple Screening if I want it. I'm still so up in the air about this. B doesn't want it because he feels it's just something else to worry about. But I'm already starting to worry so I'm leaning more towards getting it done. I just don't know. What are your opinions?

I think we are going to start our baby registry in the next few weeks. Mainly because I know our parents want to get us stuff for the baby for Christmas and I want to make sure they have an idea of the things we need. The part I hate is that if we have to wait for 20 weeks, it's only going to be 2 weeks before Christmas. Oh well I suppose I just have to deal, even if it does make me want to cry!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Thank You!

To all the responses from yesterday. Some were exactly what I needed to hear and others were a wake up call, but I needed it.

During lunch I took our Jeep to my mom's shop for a repair and had lunch with her while I waited. Well I didn't actually eat, I mostly cried. Especially when she told me more information about my husband that I did not know.

You see my husband and I have a quite a long road. There were several times that I had to look at him and tell him "If this is how things are always going to be then we need to end it now because I won't live like that." You see I met my husband while I was home on summer break after my second year of college, I was 20. B was the bartender at the bar my parents took me too, he was 27 and lived upstairs. We both really thought it was just going to be a summer fling and we were fine with that, hey I was only 20. Well obviously that didn't happen. Being that I was in school over 2 hours away we had some hard ships. We were both going out on our own and doing our own thing, but we talked every day and I would drive home every few weekends. We spent a lot of time in the bar though. During my 3rd year of college my step-father and mother got a divorce and when it was time for me to come home for the summer I had no place to stay. My mother and sister had moved to a two bedroom condo and B was sleeping on her couch because his aunt was remodeling his apartment. B and I decided to move in together. There was no way I was sleeping on a pull out bed for 3 months. That summer and following year were rough. He was used to doing his own thing because I wasn't around all the time and all he had to do was call me. I worked my butt off at school and he worked at home. I would drive home every other weekend to make sure bills were paid, mostly with the money I was making at school. He continued to go out every weekend and when I was home we'd fight about it. He also started to think that I was coming home because I didn't trust him, not just because I wanted to see him. When I finally graduated we found a nicer place together and things seemed to get better. When we were home things were great most of the time. Our biggest problems were just getting used to having the responsibility of a relationship full time. And it was a problem for both of us. Then he lost his job. He had never had to pay bills and didn't understand the complications this was bringing. He also wasn't ready to quit going out every night and smoking the bad stuff. Me, I was ready to settle down and get on with my life. 4 years of partying 3 - 4 nights a week was enough for me. We bought a camper that summer and things got a lot better. We didn't fight as much cause we would drink there and I didn't have worry about getting him away from the bar. And I could drink too because I didn't have to worry about driving. Eventually I got him to realize that the fun stuff is what goes away when we don't have money, not the cell phone or electric. And a little less than a year after I graduated he proposed. We actually postponed the wedding once and almost a second time after he made the mistake of giving up incoming $ to go fishing. I looked at him and said that if you aren't responsible enough to give up one day of fishing to make some money when you don't have a job then you certainly aren't ready for marriage. This was two months before the wedding and I'd never seen him look so sad and ashamed in his life. Since then things have gone great for over a year until now. I'm not saying we haven't had our spats, but what couple doesn't.

Yesterday afternoon I wrote down what I wanted to say to him. I printed it out and took it home with me. I told him before I got there that we needed to talk and that he should make a list of the things that he likes and dislikes about me. His response was "I don't think things are that bad" and I said "Well they are for me and I'm going to tell you how I feel about everything." When I got home I was starving so we sat and chatted with M while I ate. I personally think M being there was B's plan because he didn't want to talk, but it happened anyway. He went in the bedroom to find his bowling shirt and I followed him. I told him I wrote down everything I wanted to say and I could either read it to him or he could read it. It took him a few minutes to read and he was silent afterward. He finally looked at me and said "I don't even want to talk about the hunting thing, it's hunting and we're not going to fight over it." Pause that seemed like it lasted forever, "but I do understand why you don't want me hunting at night." That right there made me feel so much better. That's my biggest problem, him being gone til 7 at night coming home eating and passing out. Then being gone all weekend. If he doesn't have to work during the day, then great go hunting, I don't care, I'm at work. He has also promised me that he is not doing the "bad" things he used to and I know he doesn't get drunk all the time anymore. He also informed me that yesterday he only hunted in the morning and when he got home he sat down and read all the emails I've sent him about the baby. And I promised to give him a list of little things that he can do to help me feel better.

We go through this normally once every 1.5 - 2 years, mostly cause I bottle things up cause I don't like to rock the boat. I know we'll get through this and I'm already feeling much better. Besides this terrible headache and sneezing I have going on. On the plus side, no morning sickness in two day!!!

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Insecure Tears

That's what consumed my day yesterday. I don't know if I'm being insecure, over emotional or if my feelings are justified. I just feel like my husband just doesn't care. All he cares about is how much he gets to go hunting. He never asks me anything about the baby and any time he does something nice for me it's cause he's sucking up cause he wants to go hunting. Now he is getting a cold but is going to go hunt in the rain anyway because he says "well you won't let me hunt in the nice weather." He doesn't care that him getting sick puts me a greater risk and that I can't take anything to help myself feel better. He doesn't care that he could be working today and making money even if it isn't his normal job and he doesn't really like it. He has a responsibility to this family and he just can't see it. I feel so alone. I feel like he doesn't care if I'm even around cause when he is home I know he wishes he wasn't. I feel so unwanted.

On Sunday he went hunting in the morning and then came home and he made me breakfast in bed. I said "You're so good to me" and his reply was "Well I have to suck up if I'm not going to watch football with you." Even if that was the reason he could have said "I just love you so much" or "well you're carrying my baby I can do something." So he recorded the game and I went and watched it with his family like we have every football Sunday for the last 5 years. Then when he gets home at 6 he goes out in the living room and watches the game. At 8:30 he finally comes in the bedroom and asks what's wrong. I told him "I thought I'd get to spend some time with you tonight." and his response was "Well you could have watched the game with me." No, I shouldn't have too, you should spend time with me and watch the damn game some other time! Just like he tells me he doesn't CHOOSE to go hunting over me. Well the way I see it is he has a choice to either go hunting or to stay home with me, he goes hunting, that's making a choice.

Yesterday he said to me after I asked him if he was staying home when he got out of work "I was thinking about going to my dad's to hunt, but only if it's ok with you." I told him "you know how I feel, you decide" I'm so sick of being the bad guy and saying no so that he can be mad at me. It makes me feel just as bad as him leaving. So he writes back to me (we were texting cause I was at work) "then I won't go I guess." Still making me feel bad because once again I've made him unhappy. I told him "I'm sorry if that came across wrong but I'm sick of being the bad guy, I don't like upsetting you." He says "it just sucks when the weekend comes and the weather sucks for hunting." Of course I point out "But you would still hunt in the crappy weather even if you hunted all week." He says "Yeah but bow season isn't very long, plus I'm not gonna miss anymore football games so that's more time I'm not going to be able to hunt." At this point I'm balling my eyes out at work and really hurt so I just say "you just go do whatever you want and don't worry about me." He says "I'd love to go hunt but it's not worth it if you're getting upset and mad." This is when I told him "That's just it, I'm already upset because I feel like I have to beg you to stay home. I want you to want to be there and not wish you were some where else." He says "You don't have to beg me to stay home, but it's hunting season and that's never been any different." I pointed out that "it is different, you didn't use to go hunting every night during the week before. And you have to realize that things are changing, I've been trying not to bother you with all this emotion crap, but it's hard to hold it in." His last words were "That's fine, I'm going home. But if I don't work tomorrow or the next day I'll be hunting." This really broke my heart. He doesn't say anything about how I'm feeling or how he has to give up hunting time to be with me, but he'll give it up to watch football. I'm just so hurt. And hunting lasts until almost Christmas!

And this weekend he's not going to my sister's family weekend at school after we've bought football tickets because he wants to go hunting. I even told him when it was before I bought the tickets and he said he wanted to go. Until last week when he realized it's this weekend.

Am I over reacting? Is it just the hormones? Does it matter if it's just hormones?

Friday, October 24, 2008

2nd Trimester!

I can't believe I'm here!!! I'm 13 weeks today. Sadly I think I may be getting a cold though. Guess I'll be staying in this weekend, no sense in being out in the rain. I'm really hoping I was just snoring last night though and not coming down with something.
So here are the pictures I promised yesterday:

My Favorite

(the pants are so soft and I love the cuffs)

My 2nd Favorite
(Daddy loved it!)

And This

(Aren't the feet just adorable?!)

I don't know if I actually feel safe yet, but I keep telling myself that some time in the next few weeks I will start feeling my little one move and well I just can't wait. Of course with my luck I won't feel it til 20 weeks, but either way, every day is one day closer!

Oh and I talked to my mom yesterday and my aunt has already started planning my baby shower. I don't know for when or anything, but apparently she's already got ideas. I feel so loved!!!

Oh and one more thing, B spent all of last night with me. We went to dinner and then shopping. It was so nice to spend some time with him!

I think that's it now.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Depression

It's been a rough week. Emotionally really. I've dealt with depression for a large part of my life, though I never thought it would come into this stage. One of my biggest problems with depression is that I don't like to admit I'm depressed, I like to bottle it up and hide it. Well yesterday I decided that I just needed to admit to it and deal with it. Get to the root of what was causing my depression. I told B how I was feeling and he was as supportive as he could be through text messages. Until he tried to get me to go off shopping after work. Now I could just be blowing things out of proportion here, but my feeling was that he wanted me to be busy after work so that he could go hunting and not feel guilty.

I realized I was depressed because I basically started crying all the time. And I didn't really want to talk to anybody or see anybody. Kind of hard when I work in an office. So I started wanting to just stay home. But that of course meant being by myself. Depression is a strange thing because I always get this feeling that I don't want to be around people, but I don't want to be alone either. Anyway one of the things that has really been getting me down is how I look.

Getting dressed in the morning has brought me to tears all week. I basically look fat in everything and I'm not comfortable. I've been meaning to go shopping for over a week now, but like I tried to explain to B, by the time I get out of work I'm too exhausted to drive 45 minutes away (to where they sell maternity clothes), shop for a few hours, and then drive 45 minutes back. I'd be in an accident before you knew it. So yesterday I told my boss I wasn't feeling well and that I was leaving at noon. Which I really didn't feel good, but not in a "I'm going to lose my breakfast" sort of way. Then I met up with my mother who drove me to the mall. After 3.5 hours of shopping and $400 later, I feel better. Well some what. I at least don't feel like a pile of crap stuffed into a potato sack anymore. I was so excited when I got home, I couldn't wait to share my findings with B. But he wasn't there, and he was an hour late getting home from what when he told me he'd be home. I was very upset again. But he did promise me that he won't be hunting again until Saturday. That means I will have two more nights with him this week. During which time I will bring up how his being gone every night is going to stop.

I also purchased the first few baby items yesterday. I was very nervous about it (that feeling that something will go wrong if I did), but my mom convinced me to do it anyway. I'll have to take pictures tonight so I can show you the outfits, their soooo cute! And I also bought them in size 6/9 months, for a few reasons. #1 most people will buy new born and not larger sizes and 2, they are heavier outfits and most likely won't be warn until the baby is 6 months anyway. B told me he wants to come the next time I decide to buy baby things. That made me feel good too.

Well I better get some work done today, I've been slacking this week due to lack of concentration! Things are looking up though, I even put on some foundation and mascara today!

Monday, October 20, 2008

An Update

I guess I'll start with my weekend. It wasn't as much fun as I thought it would be. I don't know if i I got myself so exited about it that it couldn't live up to my expectation, or if it really wasn't as much fun. I guess it started because I had to rush around to get ready and B was home, but was off doing other things that I found pointless and it frustrated me. Friday night wasn't too bad except everyone else was ready for bed before me for some reason. It was strange, but once I fell asleep it was surprising a good night's sleep. It was nice to see the sun shining when I woke up. These days it's still dark when I get to work. I think Saturday was rough because my bed was a pull out couch so Aunt L sat with me, but along with this came her German Shepard and healer. Don't get me wrong, I love the dogs, but it makes it hard to lay down and get comfy. Not to mention every time she went out to smoke the smell when she came in turned my stomach. Then yesterday wasn't great because I started feeling sick again. It was real bad when I went to bed last night. Wanted to cry, the only way I didn't feel sick was when I sat up, but I was cramping when I sat up. And speaking of cramping, it started yesterday morning. Nothing major, I'm pretty sure it's just stretching cause when I got home last night I had no problem finding the heartbeat that was at 166, slightly slower, but nothing for me to worry about. Oh and B got to hear it for the first time. His eyes lit up, it was great! And one good thing about yesterday... Buffalo is 5-1!!!

Today I'm kind of tired and cranky. Slight head ache, slight nausea, a little bit of everything. I can't wait to go home and take a nap. I also called a new doctor's office today. I think I may switch doctors. I've heard some good things about this new doctor from a lady I work with. And another one just had her second with this doctor and just loves her too. I'm just waiting for a call back because of course you only get the answering service during the lunch hour. But that's better than my current Dr. cause there you don't even get to talk to a real person, they just say "Please call back after 1:00. If it's an emergency..." I also realized that my current Doctor's office is more for low income families. I think that may be why it seems a little impersonal and they only do 1 u/s.

So while I was typing the new office called and I have an appointment for next Thursday (the 30th). Seems like forever away, but it will have to do.

I don't think there is much else going on. Besides I've completely ignored my work for the last 2 hours and need to get something done now.

Tata

Friday, October 17, 2008

12 Weeks

I honestly can't believe I'm here, 12 weeks. Some how I'm starting to feel a little safe. Although I tend to remind myself that something could still happen. Especially when I start thinking about telling more people. The truth is though that after next Friday I will have to tell work. Mainly because at my work we are so busy that they hire a temporary person to take your spot while out on maternity leave, which I have to say I'm happy is 3 months. I guess what worries me is that my temp will be better suited for the job than me. Anyway, I have some good news...

The other night as I was laying in bed, home alone again, it was bowling night, I decided to give our rented doppler a try and guess what, I found that precious sound! It was great, I wish I had some one to share it with, but it was still wonderful.

I also got other news this week. One of my pledge sisters from my sorority is due 4 weeks after me! I just wish she lived closer than 2 hours away. It would be so nice to have some one in town to share this experience with. I guess that's about it for now.

Oh I almost forgot. I leave for sister's weekend today! 2 days of laying around watching movies and eating the most wonderful food with women I love! Who could ask for more after a rough a week?

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

I have been trying to find the right words to say here all day and they just aren't coming to me. I have taken several moments today to remember where I was in January and I have to say, when I let myself think about it, it's still a very open wound. I want to send everyone who has experienced a loss a great big hug.

I've also been having this terrible guilt feeling for continuing to blog about my pregnancy. Especially when it probably seems like I'm complaining all the time. I remember what it was like when people would say things like "Be glad you aren't going through this morning sickness" or "I hope this baby is worth it". I don't want to be that girl. I know this baby is worth it because it's all I ever wanted, and if it takes morning sickness to get that baby then I'll tough it out. But I have to be honest, it doesn't mean I have to like it. I just don't want my wonderful friends who helped me through all the rough times think I'm taking this for granted, I remind myself every day what it took for me to get here and also that it could have been worse for me. I'm wishing everyone the best of luck in their adventures. No matter what it is! I don't know if I could have gotten here without all your love and support!

Much love!

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Less than 200

Check out my ticker, less than 200 days now! Still seems like forever though. I'm still praying for the day when I feel better. I think it's slowly getting better when I look back on the days, but during the day it doesn't seem it so much. Not to mention the headaches that are starting.

I went to the mall last night I broke down and bought my first pair of maternity pants and a couple sweaters. Now first let me say that the jeans I tried on were horrible. They made my ass look huge. Every pair I tried on were boot cut, and well with my body shape boot cut just doesn't cut it. Not to mention they were all too short. Apparently in order to get them in longs I have to be 2 sizes smaller! On the plus size, I did find a pair of black pants and they are sooo comfy! I'm wondering why I waited this long to get them. I think the beginning of next week I'm going to go to a thrift store and see what I can find. I hate to spend this much $ on new clothes I won't be wearing long.


On to my 4 hour pizza drive, I know you've all been holding your breathe just waiting to hear it. So after B leaving me home alone Saturday he promised me we would go to the Iron Kettle Farm on Sunday. So after doing some running around to get some extra $ to go, we take off. It was a beautiful sunny day and warm. He tells me the place is just out side of Ithaca. OK, not too far of a drive. So we drive and we turn onto 96 and we drive some more. Well finally we'd been driving for like an hour and I said "I thought this place was just outside of Ithaca?" He says, that's what I thought too. Well about a half hour later I'm starting to get hungry (not a good thing) so I get out our map. We'd been driving in the wrong direction for an hour. But I knew there was another town with food shops in it less than a half hour away. So we continued until we got to Waterloo. Then, being that we were already halfway around Cayuga Lake, we decided to just go the rest of the way around.


So there you have it, we had a 4 hour drive and the only thing we did was stop and get pizza! We had fun though. It was nice to have him to myself for all that time. Oh and it was fun to tell his buddy who's living with us what he did.

Monday, October 13, 2008

11 Weeks 3 Days

I can't believe I only have a week and a half left in my 1st trimester. It seems unreal, especially being that I still feel like crap. I'm starting to see a pattern though. If I do nothing but lay in bed for one day, then the next I move to the recliner and do minimal work, I'll feel great for the 3rd day. That's how this weekend went so yesterday we took a 4 hour car ride (I'll explain later) and I was fine the whole time, besides some cramping in my hips. Now today I'm exhausted and my stomach is off. I didn't take any naps yesterday between 7am and 10pm and I'm sure that's why.

Thursday and Friday were very rough nights for me. I'm feeling a little neglected, as I always do this time of year, when hunting starts. But this year it's worse. Most likely the extra hormones and feeling lonely. I hate the fact that even when B is with me, like yesterday, I can tell all he is thinking about is hunting, turkey, deer, whatever. And I can tell that he would rather be doing that than something with me and it just hurts.

He got upset with me on Saturday because he was leaving to go hunting and I was upset he was leaving again, but I wouldn't call some one to "hang out with". First off I only have one friend in town and she works all the time and we don't have many interests in common. She's more of a hippie, bike riding, guitar playing girl. Me I like my crocheting, reading, craft show type things. She actually doesn't even know I'm pregnant yet. Then there is my family, who I can only take so much of. My sister is great, but in her first semester of college and when she comes home her time is pretty much spent with her boyfriend and her home work, so unless you're going to take her to the mall for 8 hours, don't bother asking what she's doing. I also tried to explain to him that when I do go places right now I need to know that I can leave whenever I want in case I start to feel sick or overly exhausted and being that he was taking the vehicle I couldn't do that. Am I being difficult and selfish? I mean who wants to hang out with a girl who feels miserable, I know that doesn't mean that he wants to either, but does he really have that choice? He left me by myself Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday nights.

This is getting hellishly long so if you've stuck with me this long thanks so much. I'll leave our 4 hour trip to get pizza for tomorrow.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Today's Appointment!

Well today's appointment went great. B wasn't able to make the appointment because of work, so my mom and sister went with me for moral support. I got there right on time, but had to wait in the waiting room for a half hour. Then when I finally got called back I had to wait in the exam room for a half hour. It sucked cause I had to pee and I was starving. To the point of feeling sick when I left. Anyway, she started out by saying that if she wasn't able to find the heartbeat she was going to immediately send me downstairs for an ultrasound. In way knowing that I wouldn't have to wait any amount of time for the u/s made me hope my uterus was tilted just enough to not hear it. But after probably 5 minutes of searching she was able to find the faintest beat. Very fast though. She said at this point in the pregnancy all the heartbeats "are girls" and it won't slow down for another month or two. She also said she doesn't need to see me for another 4 weeks. She did say something disappointing though. She said that she will schedule an anatomy u/s around 18 to 20 weeks, but if they don't get to see the sex, then I have to wait til birth. That kinda bothers me.

In other news, I actually know what I want for dinner tonight, and I couldn't wait to get home and tell B. He hates having to pick dinner so I knew he'd be excited. Well I get home and he isn't there, but sent a text saying he was on his way home. Some how I knew before I even saw them that there was more than just him and M walking up the stairs. Sure enough, the new guy they work with was with them. I swear no one that works there has a fricken car. So I let them tell me their story about how their boss got in an accident with the work truck because there were bees in the truck (he's allergic) and he was trying to get them away and ended up running into a mail truck. He asked about the appointment (which I sat there thinking through his story that he better). Then he proceeded to tell me that he forgot to take his mussel loader to work for his buddy so he has to take it to him tonight and he needs to take M and the new guy to the store and then take the new guy home. I was so mad! Tuesday he bowls and then Wednesday his friend called so he ended up subbing for another bowling team. So the only time I've seen him since Monday is in the morning for 20 minutes. So last night when he left he promised me that tonight we'd rent a movie and spend time together. Well lo and behold, here I sit alone once again. His only saving grace is that his friend suggested that I get what I wanted for dinner to go. So I'm waiting for him to drop that off to me.

Of course I've had a rough two days at work, on my feet all day and it's taking its toll. Even my boss can tell. His wife stopped by today and apparently he must have said something at home about how tired just walking to the floor and back to my office is making me. This tiredness also of course contributed to me crying like a baby tonight. Made B feel like an ass though and that actually made me happy because he's constantly off with his buddies and doesn't have the ability to tell them no.

So here I sit, tired and miserable, and starving... Where's my food?!?!?!