4 and a Half Years

It's been that long since I had a reason to start this blog.  It's strange some times when I think about it now.  Its weird to think that if that little heart had kept beating I wouldn't have Lillian, but I would now have a 4 year old.

It still stings some times when I'm reminded of it, which thankfully isn't very often these days.  But this weekend as I was going through EVERY piece of clothing I own, I ran across this...

That arrow is pointing to the baby and the heartbeat the baby had that day.

It's amazing I still remember how excited I was all day when I found out and I remember thinking of how to tell B.  And him refusing to open the "Christmas" gift.  Oh that Christmas.  Still as I said in my first post, my favorite.  I don't think I ever posted these...

 I remember my mom and sister asking if it was ok to use the frames I gave for pictures of Lillian.  And I remember washing and putting away the outfit we gave B's mom.

Nothing really can replace those looks and that excitement.  I hope to have one more some day and I hope that we don't have to tell anyone we are TTC because I'd love to see faces like that again one day...

So happy to have my girls today though.  Sorry for the bummer post, just wanted to remind people that although time heals, it can't take it away.

Hhmmmm

I'm not really sure what to blog about right now.  My life seems kind of boring with nothing too post worthy.  Either that or my brain is fried cause I'm tired, not really sure which.

Delaney has become very vocal and I love it.  She wakes up cooing and goes to bed cooing.  And she's pretty much always smiling.  She acts like she's playing peek-a-boo when she's in her car seat.  Once she gets a hold of her blanket she pulls it up over her face and when she puts it back down and sees you she gets all smiley.  Of course she isn't pulling it up and down on purpose, but the reaction is the same as if she was.

Lillian has been, well, Lillian.  When she isn't being mouthy, throwing a fit or begging for something I told her she can't have, she's a great, funny, happy little girl that I love to spend time with.  I love when I randomly find her singing to her little sister.  Or when she starts playing with her "friends" in the bath tub.  The other night they were all in the van going on a trip to town.  Have you ever seen Drop Dead Fred?

For some reason I picture this being Lillian in 25 years!  I'm sure she's perfectly normal since she doesn't blame things on her "friends" and all her "friends" have the same names as kids she knows for real, but she's always playing with them.  

Oh and because most of us forget to blog about it, B has been wonderful!  He's really started to help out more with his own chores and even does some of mine if he is home during the day (which he has been because he was laid off, again).  And one time when I thanked him he said "no need to thank me, I should do it anyway."  I about fainted!

Done?

This past weekend brought to me a startling realization.  Delaney may be my last baby.  This breaks my heart.  I’ve always wanted AT LEAST 2, most likely 3, but finances allowed, 4.  My mom was one of 6 six kids and I always loved her large family.  Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday just because of the family.  My sister and I have both always said that we wished we’d had more siblings like my mom did and I’ve always wanted that for my kids.

B and I have mentioned more/no more kids vaguely, but it’s never really been discussed.  This weekend when my friends’ husband asked him if we were having more B stated “No, we’re done.”  All I could think was “what if I’m not done?”  I do know that there will have to be a compromise and that the fact that he never wanted kids to begin with and now we have 2 is amazing in itself, but I don’t know if I’m ok with saying “we are done.”  Obviously this doesn’t mean it can’t be discussed, it was just a comment, but it was a blow to me.  Yesterday when I was packing up Laney’s clothes for my two cousins that are due this fall, I realized I may not have a reason to save them for myself, but giving them away seems so final to me.  Like I’m resigning to the fact that we won’t have any more and it left me with that very big empty pit feeling in my stomach.

The Talk

After my time at my mom's camp on Friday night and most of the day Saturday I was nervous driving home.  I kept repeating in my head how I wanted to start the conversation.  I had to be sure I made my point clear and stuck to my guns.  He had to know how hurt and burnt out I am.  As I walked to the front door and in I could hear my heart beating.  I'm not one to tell someone something they are doing is negative, especially some one I love.  But I knew for my own sanity I needed to do it.  I had stopped and picked up pizza and we ate.  Well I tried to eat, we chatted about Lillian and her antics while we were at camp.  After we ate it was time.  I got out my note pad.  I started with "First of all I don't want to just hear what you think I want to hear.  I want you to be honest with me.  I can't let things get like this again because I will give up, I just can't do it. I need to know you are going to work at this."  He started tearing there.  I pushed on.  I told him everything that has been bothering me the last few weeks, some from throughout my pregnancy and even a few things that I know will be an issue in the coming months.

Without going into detail:

• The kids and I are a reason to stay home and not go hang out with friends, even if they are doing something more exciting.
• Complaining that you can't do something fun isn't acceptable, it's childish and you do way more than I do.  This includes acting miserable so that I just let you go so that I don't have to deal with you.  
• Everything you do is teaching our 3 year old how to act, if you can throw a fit, why can't she?
• Don't expect me to extra things in the morning because you didn't get them done.
• If you put your clothes away you would know where things are and not have to get mad at me for not knowing.

That was pretty much it I think.  We left the diving up the chores and such for Sunday.  I had made a list of everything I do, including the things that he can't do for me, just so he knows how much I do.  Sunday we discussed who is going to do what chores, which are daily and which are weekly.  We decided to make a chart and I'm excited to get it done.  So far things are going good.  Today is his first rain day and I'm anxious to see if he really does the things he said he would.  I really hope we can stick with this.  My big take away is that I need to speak up when something upsets me and stop pushing it aside to avoid the argument cause it just makes it worse.

Let's Talk Work

Everything in life is work.  Work is work, relationships (of all kinds) are work, parenting is work.  Even the fun things like vacation take work, whether it's the work to plan of the work you do to pay for it.

Right now my actual job is what it is.  I'm trying not to stress over it and just be happy to have one and focus on getting things done.  Some days are harder than others.  Normally by Friday afternoon all I want to do is go home and hold Delaney and watch Lillian run around like the crazy 3 year old she is.

Right now what is taking the most work in my life is my marriage.  If you've read my last few posts you know that I've had a lot to complain about and really I probably made those sound a little better than what things were really like.  After Friday morning's issue with clean boxers I pretty much lost it on the way to work.  I had had enough.  I sent B a message and told him that if Lillian was going to be gone for the night on Saturday that we needed to both be home and get things off our chest.  Problem was, the longer I sat at work, the angrier I got, the more I cried and the more I felt like just giving up.  In my hear I knew that's not really what I wanted, but I wasn't sure I had the strength for anything else.  Around 2:30 B sent me a message asking if he could go race his buddy's car at the track.  This made me livid.  Basically his thought was that if he couldn't go do something Saturday night he better do it Friday, which meant leaving me with both the girls all night.  I didn't know what to do.  Part of me didn't want to let him go because it was just going to add fuel to my rage, but the other part didn't even want to see him so I didn't really care.  I finally just text him and said "If you want to go ahead.  I'm honestly really upset and I don't think I can keep it together with you in front of the girls."  Don't get me wrong I don't want my girls growing up thinking relationships are always sunshine and rainbows, but right now it scares Lillian if we yell and she always thinks it's her fault if I cry.  B had no idea I was upset and asked what was wrong.  And although I didn't want to do anything over text messaging I couldn't ignore him.  I just told him "I'm sick of avoiding an argument and putting myself last.  I'm doing the best I can but its not working and I can't do anymore than I already am."  Of course he apologized for his fit that morning and said he'd do his own laundry, but that isn't going to fix things, I told him it's more than that.  I told him "I want to have a plan of who is responsible for what, I want to have less to worry about and get done, I want to be able to leave the girls with you and not worry about you being too stressed out to handle it."

In the mean time he had found out he couldn't race the car and wanted to invite his friend and wife over for a cook out.  In my head all I could think was great, as if I don't have enough already going on.  I told him no, I'd been crying all day and the last thing I wanted was to entertain. He ended up calling me and I lost it.  At my desk, at work, in our new open office area.  Talk about embarrassed.  I went to the bathroom and told him we needed to talk, but I couldn't do it then.  He figured out that I didn't really want to see him and I explained I don't, if I do right now I might say things I'll regret and it's just going to be a fight.  I told him I was taking the girls to my mom's camp for the night.  When we hung up I could tell he was crying.

I grabbed the girls after work, we went home, I packed in about 10 minutes and we were off.  I was already feeling better just knowing I wasn't going to have to put on a face for the night.  We did pretty much nothing that night, walked to town, grabbed dinner, walked back and it was bed time for the girls.  B text me a few times told me he was worried, but to take all the time I needed.  I told him I would and that he needed to make a list of things that bother him and the things he does in a day.

I had a few glasses of wine with my mom and I was exhausted and went to bed too.  Saturday morning I woke up with so much running through my head so I made a list of all the things that bother me.  Lillian had a blast playing with her cousins all day and we finally headed home about 5pm.

Tomorrow I'll tell you how our "talk" went.

Finding Peace

That is my one and only goal right now.  I just feel so unsettled in everything!  So unsettled I don't even know what to right after that.  I'm getting to the point where I just don't know what is most important to me right now.  I can't even enjoy the time I spend with the girls because I'm constantly thinking about what I should be doing.

Some times I wish I could just put the kids in a sound proof room so that I could argue with B when he starts his crap.  This morning he came to me (surprisingly calm at first) saying that he thinks he's being forgotten when it comes to laundry because he had no clean boxers.  Maybe he's right, I don't do his laundry very often, but I have my reasons.  1 - Why should I when he doesn't even have the courtesy to put them away, half the time they just end up right back on the floor with his dirty clothes and I don't have the time to be re-washing clothes because he can't put them away. 2 - He can't be bothered to even put his dirty clothes in mine and the girls' pile of dirty clothes (which by the way in currently just on the floor because he has 3 laundry baskets taken up with CLEAN, FOLDED clothes.  I'm pretty sure his dresser is about empty). 3 - He can't seem to take his boxers and socks out of his work clothes and put them with the regular clothes (I refuse to wash his nasty work clothes with the rest of the clothes).  So after he calm comment he got more and more irritated until he was throwing a fit and throwing all his clean clothes on the floor looking for a pair of boxers.  And I must say it really pisses me off that he asks ME every morning if I know where some are.  If it wouldn't cause a fight (cause I'm having a hard time not exploding) I would answer "If you put your fucking clothes away you'd know where they are!"  Oh and his other comment was that he was going to start doing his own laundry, which meant he was gonna stop doing another chore, most likely the dishes.  Like he does them all the time!!!

I'm really irritated how he's been handling Lillian's attitude lately.  I know its rough and she has been horribly whiny and mouthy, but he just can't seem to grasp the concept of staying calm yourself helps he keep calmer and defuses the situation much quicker.  Everything is instantly "do you want a spanking?"  Which some times is the only thing that works, as much as I hate it.  And he has started to mumble things under his breath that if Lillian ever heard would scare her and break her heart.  I don't know what is going on with him, but its taking its toll on our family and if he can't let me help he's gonna have to go figure it out on his own.

Even now I sit here at my desk at work writing this instead of working just to try and get some things out so I can concentrate.  I'm having fights in my head with him and getting upset.  At this point I don't think him saying "I'm sorry, you're right, I'm going to change it," is going to change anything about how I'm feeling.

I feel like my life needs a makeover and you can't just do that...

A Big Day

Well I guess not really unless you live in the world of a 3 year old girl.  Today Lillian is going to start gymnastics.  She's very excited and so am I.   Ever since we were at the mall back around Christmas time and I couldn't get her to leave the window where you could see the older girls practicing gymnastics, I've wanted to get her into it.  It took me a while, but now for her birthday present from grandma, she is going to get started!  I'm excited because she will be interacting with other kids her age (besides the boys at the sitter) and getting some much needed extra exercise.

So far we are doing pretty good with our new eating habits.  It will take a while to know for sure how it's really going, but we are making progress.  She did ok yesterday with having to wait for the boys to get up before she could have her snack.  She doesn't sleep as long as the boys so she was asking for a snack when she got up, and then having another when they had their after nap snack.  She was also great this morning when I said "how about some grapes for you treat for sleeping in your bed?" She said "no I want candy"  I said "No, remember doctor said no candy, healthy choices."  She said "Ok, I want to put them in the bowl."  No argument from me!

I can't believe my baby is 2 months old today!  In all honesty I think she looks more like 3 or 4 months old!

As for my marriage, we are doing ok right now.  I hate that all most of us ever think to write about is the bad stuff.  While we still have a ways to go in working on things together we have made some small improvements over the last few days.  We both realized that we tend to try and "help" each other when Lillian won't listen, but all that really shows her is that she doesn't have to listen unless she wants to.  It has also helped a little in the discipline area.  While we still have a different idea on what a fair punishment is, letting the other handle the whole situation is more consistent than changing the punishment during the time she is being punished, or me having to hand down a punishment that I think is too harsh for the action.

How Things Should Be

How I think things should be in my home and how they are right now are totally opposite and it's really starting to wear on me.  This is part of the reason for yesterdays post.  If things were the way I think they should be, we would have time to discuss things while Lillian isn't around.
** Edit** I wrote this yesterday based on how the morning went and the night before.  Now last night B was extremely helpful, we worked together to get dishes and dinner done and he helped with bath time.  This morning he got up when I woke him, made our coffee, got Lillian ready, took stuff to the car, and helped get the girls to the car**

How Things Should Be - Mornings:
Brandi - run/workout, shower, get Delaney's and my work stuff together, dress myself and Delaney, feed/pump,
Brian - let the dogs out, make coffee, dress, get Lillian up and ready, help me take kids to the car.

How Things Are - Mornings:
Brandi - Run/work out, wake Brian, make coffee for myself (for while I get ready), shower, feed/pump (I do this at the same time), dress myself and Delaney, get my stuff and Delaney's ready to go, let the dogs out, make 2nd pot of coffee for go mugs and his thermos, wake Lillian, get her ready, take both kids to the car
Brian - watch the news, get dressed, make coffee go mugs and thermos, take bags to the car, start vehicles.

How Things Should Be - Work Hours:
Brandi - Do work for my work, maybe pay some bills
Brian - Do work for work, if he gets done early do any shopping or chores that need to be done.  Maybe start dinner, or at least have a suggestion if we need something.

How Things Are - Work Hours:
Brandi - Do work for work, pay some bills, grocery shopping/errands during some lunch hours, make any phone calls needed.
Brian - Works, if he gets done early he goes home, some times mows lawn, some times does dishes, mostly watches TV, naps, or goes somewhere with friends

How Things Should Be - Evenings:
Brandi - Pick up Delaney, Pick up Lillian, take care of pumped milk, get next days bottles ready, feed Delaney twice between 5 and 8, eat dinner, clear table, do a load of wash (just switch and fold what's in dryer), Put Delaney to bed.
Brian - Make dinner, do dishes, give Lillian a bath, put Lillian to bed (in her bed).

How Things Are - Evenings:
Brandi - Pick up the girls (takes an hour), take care of pumped milk, get bottles ready, feed Delaney twice, eat dinner clear table, watch Lillian in bath from my bedroom where I'm feeding Delaney, lay with girls while they go to sleep. Some times I have to make dinner too.
Brian - Some times he cooks, some times he cleans up the table, watches TV, has a snack, gets Lillian out of tub and put pull up on, watches more TV, goes to bed.  He will come discipline Lillian if I am unable to when she's laying down for bed.

Other Stuff:
Lillian should be sleeping in her bed and him in our bed, but she sleeps with me and he sleeps in her room.

I should not get blamed for him not having coffee to take to work because he laid in bed a half hour after I woke up him up.

He should not be upset because he's going to be leaving late, he leaves 45 minutes before he has to be to work and it only takes 10 minutes to get there!  I leave 45 minutes before I have to be there and my drive time is almost 40 minutes, plus taking the girls into their different sitters.

I should talk to him more about what he can do rather than just doing it myself to avoid an argument.

I need to remember that my run/work out in the morning is my "me time" even if it is only a half hour and not always what I want to do.

Now I need to start working on ways to change the things that are wrong.

"Discussions"

Better known as arguments.  I think it's about time B and I have one because we've been increasingly short with one another and it normally happens because something irritates us, but we don't get a chance to talk about it, so then we get short and that irritates the other, then they get short and it just keeps building until we pretty much don't even remember what the first thing was.

Our problem is that Lillian thinks she needs to be part of every conversation.  Even if she's off playing by herself she's listening, and most times what we need to talk about involves her.  We follow the "don't argue or discuss punishment in front of the kids" policy, as much as possible.

There is just so much I need to talk about with him and I'm pretty sure I'm gonna cry (I'm still very emotional) and that bothers Lillian.  Last time it happened she yelled at him and that's not good.

So when and how do you solve problems with you significant other???

35 Weeks

I can't wait for this little girl to get here! I feel like she's eating my brain and I'm eating everything else!

My brain function level is on low, I'm tired, no matter how much or little sleep I get and even when I'm tired I have a hard time sleeping, some times I can't get comfortable, some times my head is whirling with thoughts and other times I have a toddler who doesn't think sleeping is a good idea. And then of course there's going to the bathroom constantly or having a chance to sleep, but it's my only time to get something done without my "little helper".

My little helper is doing great though besides bed time.  She's using the potty ALL the time, even to poop!  And if you've never potty trained before you just don't know how awesome that is!

The binkies are now a thing of the past!  She has mentioned them once, while just waking up, since only a few days after getting rid of them.

She sings songs constantly!  And I just love when she combines a bunch of them.  She even gets up on her stool and uses one of her blocks as a microphone.

She pretty much knows all her colors and when she says one wrong she'll say "silly me, that's not..."

She knows most of the basic shapes, she gets a little confused with square and diamond some times, but considering most of the ones on her toys are the same, just rotated, it's not surprising.

Now we need to work on learning her letters and tracing.  She just does not get the concept of tracing.

Oh and her throwing fits/whining and bed time routine.  Both have me at my whits end, I have ideas on how to correct our issues, it's getting the other parental unit to realize how important consistency is and getting him to be consistent and not give in that the big problem is.

I was going to leave you with an adorable picture, but I don't have any I haven't posted right now, so instead you can tell me if you think I've dropped.  It's a question I've been getting a lot lately and I don't really think so, but I do think she may be starting.

33 Weeks

35 Weeks

30 Days of Thankful - Days 5, 6 & 7

Yes I know I promised to do 30 days and I have posted every day on Facebook what I'm thankful for.

Day 5: Very thankful for a Date Night with my hubby. As much as I hate leaving Lillian, it was some much needed time for adult conversation. The next day I was feeling emotionally better than I have felt in weeks and my patience limit seemed to be a little higher too!

Day 6: The Sunshine! Living in NY you have to be thankful for all the Sunshine you can get this time of year. While we didn't go out and enjoy it, it did keep me motivated to get some house cleaning and laundry done. Sunshine gives you energy!

Day 7: Today I am thankful for change. Change can be scary, but it happens all the time. Some times it's quick and other times it happens over a long time. The thing is, most of the time change is for the better. Right now I am most thankful for the changes that have happened over time in B, myself and our relationship.

Happy Anniversary

Although today is a very big day for me and bean, I will wait until tomorrow to post about that because today is my anniversary and as much as it's just going to be another day, in some ways it's a very big deal to me.

4 years ago today was one of the happiest days in my life.  In some ways I can't believe it's already been 4 years and it some ways it's seemed like a long 4 years.  The truth is though, that our marriage is still very young.

In the last 4 years we have fought about many things, but none have them have been enough for either of us to say "I can't live like this."  Well, that's not completely true, we've said those words and then found ways to make it better.

I really think the biggest problem in our relationship is actually bringing up the problems and telling the other that we are upset.  Neither of ever wants to hurt the other or make them feel as if they have done something wrong.  In a way it's good, but it can also make both of us build up lots of little things and explode.

I love this man more now than I did when I married him and I know he would do anything for me and our family.