Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Let's Talk Work

Everything in life is work.  Work is work, relationships (of all kinds) are work, parenting is work.  Even the fun things like vacation take work, whether it's the work to plan of the work you do to pay for it.

Right now my actual job is what it is.  I'm trying not to stress over it and just be happy to have one and focus on getting things done.  Some days are harder than others.  Normally by Friday afternoon all I want to do is go home and hold Delaney and watch Lillian run around like the crazy 3 year old she is.

Right now what is taking the most work in my life is my marriage.  If you've read my last few posts you know that I've had a lot to complain about and really I probably made those sound a little better than what things were really like.  After Friday morning's issue with clean boxers I pretty much lost it on the way to work.  I had had enough.  I sent B a message and told him that if Lillian was going to be gone for the night on Saturday that we needed to both be home and get things off our chest.  Problem was, the longer I sat at work, the angrier I got, the more I cried and the more I felt like just giving up.  In my hear I knew that's not really what I wanted, but I wasn't sure I had the strength for anything else.  Around 2:30 B sent me a message asking if he could go race his buddy's car at the track.  This made me livid.  Basically his thought was that if he couldn't go do something Saturday night he better do it Friday, which meant leaving me with both the girls all night.  I didn't know what to do.  Part of me didn't want to let him go because it was just going to add fuel to my rage, but the other part didn't even want to see him so I didn't really care.  I finally just text him and said "If you want to go ahead.  I'm honestly really upset and I don't think I can keep it together with you in front of the girls."  Don't get me wrong I don't want my girls growing up thinking relationships are always sunshine and rainbows, but right now it scares Lillian if we yell and she always thinks it's her fault if I cry.  B had no idea I was upset and asked what was wrong.  And although I didn't want to do anything over text messaging I couldn't ignore him.  I just told him "I'm sick of avoiding an argument and putting myself last.  I'm doing the best I can but its not working and I can't do anymore than I already am."  Of course he apologized for his fit that morning and said he'd do his own laundry, but that isn't going to fix things, I told him it's more than that.  I told him "I want to have a plan of who is responsible for what, I want to have less to worry about and get done, I want to be able to leave the girls with you and not worry about you being too stressed out to handle it."

In the mean time he had found out he couldn't race the car and wanted to invite his friend and wife over for a cook out.  In my head all I could think was great, as if I don't have enough already going on.  I told him no, I'd been crying all day and the last thing I wanted was to entertain. He ended up calling me and I lost it.  At my desk, at work, in our new open office area.  Talk about embarrassed.  I went to the bathroom and told him we needed to talk, but I couldn't do it then.  He figured out that I didn't really want to see him and I explained I don't, if I do right now I might say things I'll regret and it's just going to be a fight.  I told him I was taking the girls to my mom's camp for the night.  When we hung up I could tell he was crying.

I grabbed the girls after work, we went home, I packed in about 10 minutes and we were off.  I was already feeling better just knowing I wasn't going to have to put on a face for the night.  We did pretty much nothing that night, walked to town, grabbed dinner, walked back and it was bed time for the girls.  B text me a few times told me he was worried, but to take all the time I needed.  I told him I would and that he needed to make a list of things that bother him and the things he does in a day.

I had a few glasses of wine with my mom and I was exhausted and went to bed too.  Saturday morning I woke up with so much running through my head so I made a list of all the things that bother me.  Lillian had a blast playing with her cousins all day and we finally headed home about 5pm.

Tomorrow I'll tell you how our "talk" went.

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