It Is A Big Deal

So I've been treating my current weight loss like it's no big deal.  And really I'm trying to act like it isn't a big deal because I have a long way to go.  As in I still have at least 40lbs to lose.

But what is a big deal to me is the fact that I am only 10lbs away from my pre-pregnancy weight.  And what makes that such a big deal to me is that I'm only 3 months, or 14 weeks post partum!  Now if I'd only gained 20lbs it probably wouldn't be that big of a deal to me either, but I didn't, I gained 50!

So right now I'd like to share my pride at hitting the less than 200lb mark at 199.8 this morning!   I can do this next 10lbs no problem!!!

Things For Me

Emotionally I'm feeling much better.  This week has been much smoother and I feel like B is listening to me more.  He's also been doing a great job working on having more patience.  I think even Lillian seems to be reacting pretty well to the changes.  I've been doing some things for myself lately and I feel like they are paying off!

I started the C25K program.  I actually started this when Delaney was only 2 weeks old and I've stuck with it. I am currently one day behind my "schedule" for it, but I can't do anything about my little girl being sick and wanting her mommy.  I skipped the run yesterday morning to lay with and comfort her, but I got right up and did my run this morning.  I may have to set my alarm for 3:30 in order to get my run in and not feel rushed the rest of the morning.  In my eyes totally worth it!

I've started using My Fitness Pal again.  While running was helping me, it wasn't helping me lose any weight.  I was stuck.  So I started tracking my food again last Wednesday, May 2, and I have already lost 6 lbs!  I'm not expecting most weeks to be like that just for the fact that when I had my little break down last week I couldn't eat anything.

To most this may not seem like a big deal, but I haven't worn a hoodie to work since I came back from maternity leave.  Around here they are pretty relaxes about the dress code, and since I'm the only girl and pretty much have no interaction with customers they didn't care what I wore as long as it wasn't too revealing and met all our safety regulations.  Most days this consisted of just jeans a T-shirt and a hoodie.  I LOVE my hoodies and they are the first thing I think of on cool days, tired days, emotional days, stressed days, ok, just about any kind of day.  It has take a lot of effort on my part (especially since I'm not happy with my body) to find an outfit every morning that doesn't include a hoodie.  Oh and by the way, I tend to freeze in the office, that's how I started wearing them to work to begin with. But we are going on 3 weeks now and I feel pride over that.

For now, this is it.  I'm changing things little by little and it's having a BIG effect!

Time for Change

I need to make some changes.  Things feel so unsettled in my life right now that I'm not sure where to begin.

I know for one thing, Lillian and I both need to start eating healthier.  I've been feeling this way since Delaney was only a few weeks old.  Its a good thing I started running again when I did because I'm pretty sure I would have gained some weight back.  I'm holding steady around 214 right now and that just isn't acceptable.  Especially since I'm running a minimum of 6 miles a week.  I mean, its not much, but it is exercise!

Lillian and Delaney had their well child visits yesterday...

Delaney: 2 Months
Height: 24.5" (above 95%)
Weight: 13lb 6oz (above 95%)

As if they don't grow fast enough!  My friend had her baby girl 6 days before me (she was due the day before me) and she is only 21.5" and 9lbs something.  That's barely what Delaney was when she was born!  I won't lie, I'm jealous of her small baby.

Lillian: 3 Years
Height: 36.5"
Weight: 35.5"

This has her doctor a little worried.  Her BMI is increasing every visit and that isn't good.  When I looked it up on the Mayo.Clinic site yesterday I found that if you put her in as 3 feet she's considered obese and if you put her in as 3'1" she is over weight.  So basically for a 3 year old girl she is on the verge of being obese.  This broke my heart.

So besides getting our eating habits changed, I need to figure out a way to communicate better with my husband.  We have definitely been having a break down late and while we are calmly mentioning things here and there and some what resolving them, we really need to sit down and have a serious talk about things without be interrupted by a 3 year old.  Especially since I think this talk will help relieve some of my stress.  Especially when some of that stress is caused by the condition of my house.  IT IS A MESS!!!  Clothes (at least most of them are clean piles) all over, toys all over, just random stuff all over.  And I can't even tell you how bad the sheets on my bed need to be changed, but I haven't had the time.  It never even crosses my mind until it's time to go to bed!

And speaking of not enough time, I better get some work done.  I've had this window open for 2 hours now trying to get this posted!

The new bath routine includes both of them in the tub!

She's smiling a lot these days!

4 Week Random Thoughts

Well, maybe they aren't quite random cause they are consuming my brain, but to you they will probably seem random.

Having experienced a miscarriage with my first pregnancy, taking 9 months to get pregnant again, and then 19 months to get pregnant a second time, well I'm sure you can imagine it's a whirlwind of emotions in me, or I was expecting it to be.

With my first pregnancy, I didn't know miscarriage was so common. And although we told everyone at 5 weeks I didn't feel like I was going to have a baby. It just didn't feel real to me. I don't know if it was subconscious or what, but I wasn't all that shocked when I lost the baby at 7 weeks. Something just didn't feel right.

With Lillian, it felt right. I had moments where I felt like the other foot was going to drop, but generally I felt like I was going to have a baby. Not physically, but mentally and emotionally. I feel that way this time too. I feel like I'm going to be having a baby. It seems real to me that in March (or if it's anything like Lillian in February) I will be bringing home a new member to our family.

What is getting me though is how I will feel if this does become a nightmare and not the wonderful dream it is right now. I'm feeling so much confidence in this pregnancy, even with an increased chance of miscarriage from the fluid, that if it does happen I will crushed, devastated, inconsolable.

Enough of that. I'm so happy and excited because I WILL be bringing home a baby (a boy I think) next year.

So for this pregnancy I have decided I'm am going to be active. I am going to keep my weight down! With Lillian I was so scared that exercising and such in the beginning was going to make me lose her that I didn't do it. Then by the time I thought it would be ok, I just didn't have the energy to get back into it. So this time, things are going to be different. Although I'm going to take a step back and only jog and walk, I'm going to continue to do my morning work outs paying closer attention to my heart rate and how hot I am. This morning I went 1.8 miles on the treadmill. I'm also going to make sure that what I eat is healthy, and not just carbs. I can tell already that the nausea I had with Lillian (which was all day) is going to be nothing compared to what I'm going to have this time. I'm pretty sure I've been having it since the day this bean started to implant and it's only starting to last longer. If anyone has good suggestions to for easy to bring to work snacks that are good for nausea, I'd love to hear them!

I guess I'll stop rambling now. I did weigh myself this morning and will update every week on how things are going.

Half Way There

I was happy to see this morning that I am half way to my weight loss goal!!!

I keep reminding myself though that the second half of this journey is going to be much longer than the first half. Especially if (fingers crossed) I get pregnant. The positive to that is that if I do end up getting pregnant, my diet is much healthier and my weight from the start of this journey should be about my max pregnancy weight.

I feel bad that I have been slacking on my exercise this week. On Tuesday I walked for a half hour instead of running like normal and Wednesday I skipped my workout all together because I woke up so exhausted. This morning I did force myself to get up and do my Turbo.Jam workout and I'm glad I did, it felt good. I just wish I could shake this feeling of exhaustion to the point that I'm having a hard time keeping my eyes open as I type this.

It does help having such a supportive husband though. He's great about telling me how proud he is of me. I also love that he is considerate enough to ask me if I can have certain foods like butter and such before putting it into our meals. (Yes he cooks, we take turns)

Here's to a quick and some what painless rest of my journey!

I call Bulls@$!

I do not believe my daughter is suffering from night terrors. I have had a horrible cold with aches, pains and come and go fever since Sunday. I believe this is what my daughter had and I don't care what the doctor said. Lillian hasn't woken in the night screaming since the night I took her to the doctor. I think today I may finally be starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel with this cold. It has gone from aches and pains and sinus headache, to can't breathe out my nose cause it's stuffed and running (yup I was the hot girl at work with a tissue stuck up her nose) to today sore throat from not being able to breathe. As you can see in my ticker, this cold has been helping me in the diet area. Only 5 days left until I can start eating half way normal again and I've lost almost 20 lbs! My goal is to lose another 3lbs in the next 5 days. And if I continue to not even want to eat anything that just may be possible. This post nasal drip has me feeling sick to my stomach most of the day so eating isn't even appealing! If you made it through that, in other news, I did accomplish a few more things this week. I designed Lillian's Birthday T-shirt:

It probably has a copyright issue, but I'm not selling it or profiting from it in any way, unlike some of the ones I found on the web for $20+. I'm guessing those people don't have a copyright to it, so I think I'm ok. And her tutu is almost finished. Light pink and purple with the bright blue of Dora's bracelet for the trim. I also got the white shirt and leggings from W.almart last night for $7. I think total her outfit is going to cost me about $10, YAY me!!! I can't wait to post pictures of her in her outfit! Oh and we've been talking with Lilly about the Binkie Bunny and how he's going to come and take Lilly's Binkie so he can give it to another little baby. I try to talk about it every time she's asking for it. I'm going to either try and replace it with a Dora doll or a Dora blanket, which ever I can fit into my budget between now and then. The weekend is almost here, hang in there folks!

Stress...

That seems to describe my life lately. The problem is, figuring out where the stress is coming from.

I really think that everyday life is stressful to some extent and that it has just been a little extra stressful in most areas this past week. I won't bore you with Husband irritations or Daughter attitudes, because really it's just the same old, same old.

I did have a small sense of accomplishment on Friday when I got Lillian's Birthday Party invitations sent out. I also did my Easter shopping. This year for Lillian's Easter basket I decided to get something useful. She is getting a Little People Bus Wagon with blocks in it and a few plastic Easter Eggs filled with some M&Ms. Much more practical than your everyday basket.

And Being that her Birthday is the day before Easter this year I didn't think she really needs much. I also got a few things for her Birthday party. It's going to be a Dora themed Barbecue. If anyone has some suggestions on BBQ food to fit the Dora theme I'd love to hear them!

This weekend was a shower for my friends Heather and Ali that just welcomed their little girl Shaelan.

And yes, I was the fool that almost gave them an outfit that said "Daddy's Star". Thankfully I noticed it while I was wrapping it and didn't. Then yesterday I don't know if I came down with the flu or if it's just a bad sinus cold, but I feel horrible! Achy and my heads all stuffed up, no energy and I don't really even want to move. My husband was nice enough to go do my grocery shopping for me and then take Lillian to my MILs so I could get some rest. Of course I'm at work today even though I probably shouldn't be. I only have 5 vacation days left until August and I'll be damned if I'm going to spend them sick in bed!

The diet is going ok. I'm proud of myself for the strength I've shown over the last week. Several times I wanted to break down and didn't. Although on Saturday because of the shower I did eat off plan. But it was the only thing I ate all day and I didn't even gain half a lb back. And then with feeling so sick yesterday all I ate all day was an Orange Dream Slushy, which is on plan, so this morning I woke up to a nice # that is my pre-pregnancy weight!

Successful Weekend???

I think overall yes it was a successful weekend. For not having any plans, I got a few things accomplished. I talked to B about getting rid of the Binkie. Lillian is so dependant on it at home, but at the sitter she doesn't even ask for it! So we started "Operation Binkie Bunny". We once again have taken away the binkie at nap time. On Easter, the "Binkie Bunny" will leave her a basket of treats, but for a trade he will be taking her binkies. I really want to get rid of the binkie before we start potty training only because I don't want a regression in the potty training later when we try and take away the binkie. Getting her to nap was difficult this weekend, but when she did fall asleep she slept quite a while. Poor girl woke up with a fever this morning though :( I hope it doesn't last long, she didn't seem to have any other symptoms of anything so I'm not sure what's causing it. As for me, I mad it through the whole weekend without cheating on my food!!! Saturday while at my MIL's I so badly wanted a turkey sandwich, but I resisted. I told myself it wasn't worth it. And it worked, since Friday morning I've lost 3.2lb. My goal, though it may be a little tough, is to be down another 7.6 lbs by next Monday. This will put me at a weight I haven't seen in over a year! This morning's plan to add some yoga into my daily routine didn't pan out the way I wanted. Lillian's fever woke her up at 3:30 am, not know she had a fever, I left her try and sooth herself until 4 when I brought her to bed with me. A half hour later my alarm went off, although I was still awake. And I got up to use my wii fit for the first time in almost a year. Well Lillian wanted to lay on the couch and watch, then the batteries in both the remote and board were dead. Then Lillian wanted to be with me. So needless to say, I didn't get any yoga in. We'll try again tomorrow...

Hanging out with her friend Maggie in Grandma's Chair

Improving

Yesterday was a hard day. I was feeling defeated. I had cheated on my diet again on Tuesday night and though I didn't gain much, I still didn't lose, and rightfully I shouldn't have. I am finding that I am an emotional eater. And well when it's the diet causing me to want to emotionally eat it creates all sorts of turmoil in me. Yesterday I purposely made something for B and Lilly that I don't like because I didn't want to give in. And then I didn't even go relax with them while they ate. I worked in the kitchen, prepared more food for myself for the week and kept busy until it was time for bed. Poor B didn't like this much and could tell I wasn't doing well. He hugged me and offered to do anything to help, all I asked from him was for some understanding while I got through the day. And it paid off. I'm at my lowest yet this morning! A small victory in it's own, but hopefully motivation to stay focused.

And Lilly is making small improvements too. Last night she was insisting she could feed the dogs herself (mind you our dogs on all 4s are as tall as she is) and I told her no she needed to close the food bin. She looked at me and was about to say "don't..." I just gave her a look and she stopped before she even got all of don't out and said "sorry mom". There was one other incident after that with "don't talk to me" after she was told not to touch something and her refusing to sit in time out. I gave her the option of a spank or time out and she chose spank. But that was the end of it. And please don't think a spanking is much in my house. It's just a light tap on the butt, but to her the thought of mommy "hitting" her on purpose, no matter how light, is effective. Considering she didn't nap all day, I was pleased. And she is doing well with saying "please stop" rather than "stop it!"

She insisted her baby be buckled in too!