Thursday, May 26, 2011

Half Way There

I was happy to see this morning that I am half way to my weight loss goal!!!

I keep reminding myself though that the second half of this journey is going to be much longer than the first half. Especially if (fingers crossed) I get pregnant. The positive to that is that if I do end up getting pregnant, my diet is much healthier and my weight from the start of this journey should be about my max pregnancy weight.

I feel bad that I have been slacking on my exercise this week. On Tuesday I walked for a half hour instead of running like normal and Wednesday I skipped my workout all together because I woke up so exhausted. This morning I did force myself to get up and do my Turbo.Jam workout and I'm glad I did, it felt good. I just wish I could shake this feeling of exhaustion to the point that I'm having a hard time keeping my eyes open as I type this.

It does help having such a supportive husband though. He's great about telling me how proud he is of me. I also love that he is considerate enough to ask me if I can have certain foods like butter and such before putting it into our meals. (Yes he cooks, we take turns)

Here's to a quick and some what painless rest of my journey!

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Keeping Busy

That's pretty much all I've been doing. Now that I have no testing to worry about getting done, I'm trying not to think about the results and all the possible out comes.

So far this week I've crocheted 3 hats, weeded one garden and planted peas, beans and broccoli in another. And yes, it's only Wednesday morning!

I wish I had some pictures to share of Lillian "helping" me in the garden. She is just too cute trying to do everything I do. Right down to leaning on her shovel saying "whew, hard work." and taking her hat off to wipe her brow.

I'm trying to enjoy these days as much as I can, even though it can get frustrating with her throwing the rocks right back to where I just picked them up from, or piling up the seed or dumping and mixing them all together. I know that some day working in the garden with me is the last place she is going to want to be, so I'm soaking it up while I can.

On the garden topic, does anyone have some ideas on how to keep cats out. There are several cats that roam around our house and during the day they tend to stay away. But there is one that thinks my garden is a litter box. Not to mention it tried digging up my zuchinni.

Also any suggestions for no carb snacks that I can take camping this weekend would be great. We are going to be tenting it so all we'll have is a cooler.

Which reminds me, I really need to start making a list of things to take!

Monday, May 23, 2011

3rd Time's a Charm


Well it has to be. B told me this morning that if they didn't accept the sample this time, yes they rejected it a second time because I dropped it off too late, that we could forget about having it done.

I don't blame him really. Even I'm getting pissed off and I'm not the one providing the sample. But this morning the guy behind the desk (a different one from both other times) didn't understand why I insisted on staying there until he found the paperwork. I told him "This is my 3rd time trying to drop off this sample, I want to make sure you have all the paperwork and this gets tested." So he finds the lab slip and looks at me and says "I can understand why he's upset about this." Then he looks at the sample that was now a half hour old (you are supposed to have it there within a half hour, which I did, but all the waiting made it longer) and then he says "I will get this right back that and make sure it's tested." That was almost 2 hours ago now and I haven't gotten a phone call so I think we finally got the SA done.

OK, I'm sure you're sick of hearing about B'd woes. On to another topic that I never thought would make me so happy, pee and poop! Lillian did both in her potty yesterday! I was so proud of her. No accidents and she used the potty 3 times! I never thought I would be this excited about it! After she pooped she walked around saying "I pooped in the pot-ee" you know like the conga song, over and over. I love her pride!

Friday, May 20, 2011

I Survived!

I am very thankful to be the girl that can say "it was no big deal." Besides having to wait almost 2 hours for my blood work to come back (apparently only verifying that I wasn't pregnant, insert eye roll), everything went rather smoothly.

One thing not so cool, was the nurse having me get on the table and put my legs in the stirrups and then going to get the doctor who I probably had to wait 10 minutes for, in a freezing cold room! Yeah not a position I like to be in for no good reason! Anyway I felt very little pain or even discomfort until the end. It was also pretty need to be able to watch the screen and see the contrast going in and moving through my system. At the end I did get one very big cramp. Unofficial results were that everything looked fairly normal. The one bad cramp I experienced was because he had to add extra pressure to the contrast to get it through meaning there may have been a small blockage. He also said that the right tube is extremely dilated (Like 5 times bigger than the left), but it should not be a cause to prevent pregnancy.

So that was it. Now oddly enough all week I had been stressing because I was pretty sure that I O'd on Tuesday, based on several factors. Well after the HSG I decided to stay home, not because I was in pain or anything, but because my craft room needed some major cleaning and trying to do that with my "little helper" around is about impossible. As you can see she loves to help:

Anyway, throughout the day my cramping got worse and worse. Nothing I was concerned about since my Oing pain is normally pretty bad. Then I realized, maybe we didn't miss our chance this month! Maybe I was having O pains on top of HSG cramping. I still don't know for sure and probably won't for a few more days, but if you want to follow along, check out my Fertility Friend Chart, or click on the ticker to the right.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

How Could I Forget???

If you actually read yesterday's blog and came back, thank you. I apologize for the rant, I normally try to leave those things out because, well, we all have days like that, it's nothing new.

So on to other rants... I was worried last week that I wasn't going to be able to get B to provide a sample for his Semen Analysis (SA). Well Friday morning he did it. I was so proud of him, I honestly can't imagine how hard that is to do without being in the mood and possibly thinking about why you are doing it. But then again I'm a woman.

Anyway, It takes me a half hour to get to work, thankfully the hospital (where the lab is) is just off my route. The sample has to be dropped off within an hour of collection for testing. I made it there with 20 minutes to spare. I go in to register and the lady asks for his insurance card and my heart sank, he carries his insurance card. Well luckily we just got new ones and I actually had his. So I go into the lab and give the tech the sample and he asked if B had been fasting. Again, my heart sank, umm no. Then he says or is this for fertility. Way to give me a heart attach buddy, yes it's for fertility. So I tell him when the sample was collected and how long he had abstained. The tech says "OK, you're all set I get this right back there." I was so happy it was over with I sent B a text saying we were good to go.

Now my work is about 5 minutes away, 10 if traffic is bad. I no more than get to my desk and sit down and my phone is ringing. It's the lab. The tech was calling to tell me the sample was rejected. What?! Why would a SA sample be rejected unless it was too old. Which it definitely wasn't. Why, because I didn't put a label on it and the tech didn't look for one! Then the following conversation
Me: well can't you just label it, I just gave you all the information!
Tech: No we aren't allowed to do that.
Me: Well can I come back and label it?
Tech: It won't do any good cause the sample will be too old to test.
Me: So now what?
Tech: I will set aside another sample cup for you and you can submit another sample. I'm so sorry, I should have checked. I called you because I didn't want to ruin his day.

Really?! You didn't want to ruin his day, how about me, now I'm going to have to hear it because YOU screwed up! I was livid, I'm still livid. I was certain that the tech would put a label on it with the information I gave and what testing needed to be done, just like they do with all the other lab work I've had done.

I can't believe I forgot to tell you all about that.

And tomorrow is my HSG. I don't know how I'm feeling about it, but I'm sure glad to know so many women who've had one. I think this is one of those things that you can't completely prepare for because all of the women I've talked to have had different experience. Ranging from "it's no big deal, just a little pressure" to "OMG from the moment it start to the end I was in toe curling pain." Obviously I'm hoping for "it's no big deal," but just in case I have my sister going with me and I've warned my boss I may not be in tomorrow.

It will all be worth it if we can get some answers!

Monday, May 16, 2011

Work or Play?

How do you spend your weekends? Me, I try to keep a combination of work and play. Let's face it, during the week there isn't much time for work or play, at least not at my house. Especially with the schedule I try to keep us all on.

My Schedule:
4:00 am: Get up do the bathroom thing, work out, shower, make coffee, let the dogs out, get dressed, pack Lillian's bag, make my lunch, pack my bags, get Lillian up and get out the door.

6:15 - 6:45: Drop Lillian off at the sitter's and head to work.

7:00-4:00: Work, sneak in other stuff (crochet, edit photos, meal plan, grocery list, etc.)

4:00-5:00: Leave work. Most of the time I have to go stop at a store, get Lillian, go home.

5:00-5:30: Spend some time playing with Lillian

5:30-6:30: Make dinner while trying to keep Lillian occupied, or from creating a complete mess.

6:30-7:00: Dinner. And Praying Lillian doesn't finish before me so I can actually eat the whole meal.

7:00-8:00: Lillian's bed time routine. Bath, teeth, hair, story, rock, bed

8:00: Finish any laundry I may have managed to get in the washer or dryer. Try to prepare my lunch for the next day.

9:00: Sleep!

B's Schedule
6:00: Get out of bed and start getting ready. He normally wakes up well before 6 and lays in bed watching the news, spo.rts cen.ter and music videos.

7:00: Leave for work

Now he is a roofer so his work day can end at any time really. May end by 7:15, may not get home til 6.

Either way he typically comes home watches TV, gets on the computer, on short days he'll take a nap or go hunting or fishing or whatever activity it is that's in season.

One night a week he'll mow the lawn which takes most of the evening.

After dinner he will sit there and watch TV until I am ready to go to bed. He normally will pick up mine and Lillian's dinner plates, but several times this last week Lillian's dish is still sitting at her table when I come out after putting her to bed.

The reason I went into all of this is because I am still extremely irritated about how he acted this weekend. Friday night he was great. He dropped me off to go out with my sister while he went to his mom's with Lillian because he was getting up early to hunt. After his hunt he came back to his mom's where I was and we both took a nap, on our way home we stopped at the store. He went out and grabbed us a late dinner that evening and Lillian was in bed when he got back with it. Sunday morning he again got up at 3am to go hunting with his buddies. I had asked him Saturday if he would be home with us in the afternoon. Well around 10 he comes in and gets his bow to go bow fishing. He said he was sure he'd be back early after noon. I spent the morning with Lilian doing and laundry and cleaning. My king size bed was covered in clothes! My dresser was cleaned off and the living room was dusted and vacuumed. This took me 6 hours! He came home a little after noon, ate and went and took a nap. 2 hours later he got up, came out to the couch and complained how tired he was. Grabbed his pillow and blanket and napped some more on the couch. He was finally up and some what sociable when I got back from picking up dinner at 6:30. We ate dinner in the living room and Lillian made a mess on the coffee table with her rice and brown sauce. We did our normal night routine and when I came out from putting her to bed I see that B picked up our bowls, but didn't clean up any of the mess that Lillian had made. So I went got a washcloth and cleaned the table again. Then I finished folding laundry and headed to bed. While I was getting ready he came in and actually started putting his clothes away! I was shocked, I was for sure he was going to through them in a basket and they would sit there all week.

As he's getting in bed he told me the house looked great, I was so glad he noticed, then he proceeded to say "I guess I get the kitchen then don't I? Why do I always get the kitchen?" Now mind you pretty much since we've been living together (just about 7 years now) he's been in charge of doing the dishes. Mainly now because he'd rather do that than bath time. Well he hasn't done the dishes in about a week. It's gross, but I refuse to do them!

And the worst part is if I want to have some one over he will say something like "The kitchen is disgusting, I don't want some one in our house with it looking like that." And I just want to scream at him that he should keep on top of it then. And I try to be really good about things, when he has the kitchen all clean and I'm cooking dinner, I try to clean the dishes I use as I go, I make sure to clean up any little dishes that aren't part of our meal as they get used. But once he starts leaving dinner dishes in the sink I stop because he would expect me to wash those too if I was washing the ones I just used and I'm not letting that happen. He has very few chores in the house and I'm not taking any of them over!

Sorry for today's rant. I'm just feeling very frustrated that I try very hard to balance my work and play and some times I feel like all B does is play and bitch about having to do any work!

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Guilty or Not Guilty?

Me, I'm some where in between and it changes based on how I'm feeling every day. I'm talking about the guilty feelings of TTC.

TTC with a child and TTC without a child are completely different in some emotional aspects. Yesterday I was talking with my TTC friends and we were discussing what our TTC plans are and what lengths we are willing to go to to get our 2nd pregnancy. It made me realize that depending on what lengths you went to the first time makes you feel different about the second time. For the girl that knows she will have to do IVF to get pregnant, she is completely content with her family of 3 and does not want to have to do another fresh IVF cycle. The girl that has suffered many miscarriages is also very happy with her twin girls. She plans to try for only 6 months with no medical procedures. If it doesn't happen, she too is extremely happy. Then there is me. I've had one miscarriage, and was about to begin fertility testing when I got pregnant with my precious little girl. At this point I'm not sure how far I am willing to go to get pregnant again. What I do know is that I can't wrap my head around the thought of us being a family of 3 forever.

This is where guilty or not guilty comes in. Lillian is the light of my life and I love her more than anything in the world. I feel guilty for not being happy with just her, for refusing to believe that she will be my only child. I appreciate the fact that I didn't need any medical intervention to get her and I can't imagine a more perfect child, but I can't imagine not having another one either.

Some times I don't feel as guilty because I know Lillian will be an amazing big sister. She loves babies (even the ones that are only months younger than her). She likes to play with them, "read" to them, and take care of them any way you will let her. She is the only child I've ever scene not get mad when her mommy is holding another baby for a prolonged period of time.

But what I can't get out of my head is "why can't she be enough?" All my life all I've wanted is a family. Before my teen years I wanted lots of kids, in my teen years I decided I wanted to be an independent woman and have a career so I decided 2 kids and a good job would be great. Now, all I want is to be a SAHM or even a WAHM with as many kids as god is willing to give me. And I just can't accept that it will only be one.

Sorry for rambling so much, I hope it makes sense and doesn't jump all over too much! I will leave you with pictures of my favorite times!

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

I Got Lucky!

Not the way I want or the way I enjoy, but in the blood drawing sense, I was pretty lucky today.

I went for my blood work today and when I first got there I realized there were at least 2 other girls there doing a glucose test. I only know this because I saw the bottles in their hands. After registering I go into the lab and the lady just looked at me like I was crazy. Then she says "Do you have an appointment?" I must have looked as shocked as I was. I said "No, I was told I didn't need one." I really thought she was going to tell me to come back because they do all the labs for the hospital and considering it is time sensitive I thought she was going to tell me to come back later.

There was no way I was fasting any longer though! 8:30pm to 9am was long enough. Turns out she was nicer than I thought though because she ended up doing all but one of my blood draws. The first draw was 8 vials! And when I realized she didn't use the butterfly (I can't look at needles in me) I was surprised at how steady her hand was. The worst part of getting my blood drawn is when they switch vials and the needle moves your vein around.

While pregnant with Lillian I only had to do the 1 hour glucose test, so I didn't realize that they were going to have to draw blood 4 times during this one! Nor did I think I was going to be able to pee in a cup every time they drew blood.

I'm glad it's done with though. And I escaped with minimal marks. So far no bruising, even though I was poked in the same spot twice! Just some red marks. And the worst part is from where the tape irritated my skin from being put on and ripped off twice!

Now I just have to get B's sample to the lab and my hsg done.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Where Do We Go From Here???

Yesterday was my appointment with my midwife to talk about fertility testing. One of the things she said, that I hadn't thought about was "Have you talked about how far you are willing to go?" This is something I don't even know how I feel about. I have been so focused on finding out what is wrong that I haven't even considered what I may have to do to "fix" it. I really do want another baby in the worst way, I just can't imagine never being pregnant again and I can't imagine Lillian being an only child, but I don't know what lengths I would want (or be able to afford) to go to in order for those things to happen.

For the time being I am going to continue to procrastinate on thinking about IUI or IVF. Right now we are starting with the basics.

Because my midwife is so wonderful and knows my history she pretty much already had a plan in mind. She verified with me that I had used some sort of ovulation detection method and that we had timed intercourse for at least 12 cycles. We are starting with some blood work for me, checking hormone levels and such. Then I will go for an HSG. In the mean time B is going to have his sperm analyzed. Although we have talked in the past about him having to do this, the look on his face when I told him what the little cup was for was priceless.

So in 3 weeks we go back to discuss the results of the testing with the office OB and decide where we want to go from there.

On a happy note, it felt great yesterday when the nurse took my weight. Based on my last weight she put the weight weight at 200 and then had to move it back to 150! I honestly can't remember the last time that little counter weight was at the 150 mark!

Oh and Mother's day was great! We started our garden and we've been working in it nightly as a family. It's been so much fun! Lillian even planted her own Blackberry bush! I wish I had pictures, but my hands were a little too dirty to be handling a camera!

Thursday, May 5, 2011

A new day

I'm doing a little better today. I'm actually a little anxious for my appointment on Monday. I'm eager to know what she has to say and what suggestions she will make.

I'm also a little nervous that we won't be able to figure out why we can't get pregnant. What will I do if my insurance doesn't cover the testing?

It is strange, I have no problem telling the Internets about my worries and frustrations, but I have yet to tell my mother that I ever even mentioned how long we've been trying to my midwife. And I don't plan on telling her that I've scheduled an appointment to start testing. I just don't want to hear what she has to say. I remember when I was going in to see the OB at the office for a follow up I told my mom "I think I'm going to mention to the OB that we've been trying a year." and her response was something along the lines of, you're just stressing to much, I wouldn't worry about it, a year isn't that long.

I'm pretty sure my mother has never really tried to get pregnant. I've asked her and she just tells me "Both times I just stopped using birth control and eventually I was pregnant." Well my thinking is that her definition of eventually and my are a little different. Because trust me, if you've tried for more than 4 or 5 months you know it.

In other news, last night I was giving Lillian a bath and she had just climbed in and she looks at me and says "Mommy, need to go potty." Obviously I told her ok. So she climbs out, sits on her potty for less than a minute and says "I done." To my surprise when she stood up she had actually gone potty!!! I was so proud of her. I hope these random uses of the potty start to become more frequent.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

I Did It

I called and made an appointment with my midwife to get started with fertility testing. On Monday I will meet with her to see where we start, EEK.

Thank you so much to everyone who left me hugs yesterday. It was a rough day, but life goes on and I have one beautiful little girl to be thankful for.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

The Waiting Game...

Is over. When my alarm clock went off this morning I had no signs of a new cycle beginning. I decided to test. I was so nervous and scared and really had no idea how I was going to react either way. So I take the test and let it sit while I brush my teeth...
I go back to check it and....

My first feeling was that of anger, why had I even tested? But that feeling quickly turned to frustration and sadness. If I could have thrown myself against the wall this morning I probably would have. Instead, despite my depression, I went and blew off some steam on the treadmill. I went for 40 minutes and had I not had to start getting ready for work, I would have gone longer.
As I was getting ready for work, I started cramping. I'm sure my next cycle will start by noon time today.

Monday, May 2, 2011


It's that time of month again... When I always wrestle with myself on if I should test or not. Ok in all reality it normally starts around 10 dpo and I'm normally trying to convince myself that testing is a bad idea. But this month is different. I have had no trouble not testing and honestly don't even really know if I want to.

I'm not sure why I don't want to test. It may be the fear of failure, yet again, or knowing that I have promised myself we will begin testing if we don't get a BFP. Or maybe it's just the fear of only seeing one line.

Month after month I convince myself that I have symptoms and I just KNOW that test is going to show 2 lines, but this month it's just different. I've ignored everything that could be a symptom and because of the last month we were TTC and having no sign of AF until she arrived I've decided that's what's happening this time too.

These are the stats of the 14 cycles I've kept track of since TTC:

Today is Cycle day 31, I should be 13 or 14 dpo, and I just don't know if I should test yet. What do you think? Do me a favor and vote on the Poll to the right.

Hopefully tomorrow I will get a chance to post some of the pictures I got of Lillian this weekend.