Thursday, May 12, 2011

Guilty or Not Guilty?

Me, I'm some where in between and it changes based on how I'm feeling every day. I'm talking about the guilty feelings of TTC.

TTC with a child and TTC without a child are completely different in some emotional aspects. Yesterday I was talking with my TTC friends and we were discussing what our TTC plans are and what lengths we are willing to go to to get our 2nd pregnancy. It made me realize that depending on what lengths you went to the first time makes you feel different about the second time. For the girl that knows she will have to do IVF to get pregnant, she is completely content with her family of 3 and does not want to have to do another fresh IVF cycle. The girl that has suffered many miscarriages is also very happy with her twin girls. She plans to try for only 6 months with no medical procedures. If it doesn't happen, she too is extremely happy. Then there is me. I've had one miscarriage, and was about to begin fertility testing when I got pregnant with my precious little girl. At this point I'm not sure how far I am willing to go to get pregnant again. What I do know is that I can't wrap my head around the thought of us being a family of 3 forever.

This is where guilty or not guilty comes in. Lillian is the light of my life and I love her more than anything in the world. I feel guilty for not being happy with just her, for refusing to believe that she will be my only child. I appreciate the fact that I didn't need any medical intervention to get her and I can't imagine a more perfect child, but I can't imagine not having another one either.

Some times I don't feel as guilty because I know Lillian will be an amazing big sister. She loves babies (even the ones that are only months younger than her). She likes to play with them, "read" to them, and take care of them any way you will let her. She is the only child I've ever scene not get mad when her mommy is holding another baby for a prolonged period of time.

But what I can't get out of my head is "why can't she be enough?" All my life all I've wanted is a family. Before my teen years I wanted lots of kids, in my teen years I decided I wanted to be an independent woman and have a career so I decided 2 kids and a good job would be great. Now, all I want is to be a SAHM or even a WAHM with as many kids as god is willing to give me. And I just can't accept that it will only be one.

Sorry for rambling so much, I hope it makes sense and doesn't jump all over too much! I will leave you with pictures of my favorite times!

1 comment:

  1. Brandi:

    I don't think you should feel guilty about longing to have another little one to share the love that you and your family have for one another, as well as the desire for Lillian to have a sibling. I think the good Lord puts the desire on our hearts to have as many children as he sees fit for each of us.

    There are some people who have had such and easy time becoming pregnant that they can't possibly understand how precious the gift of becoming a parent actually is. I think that you understand that better than most.

    Even I can't completely relate to what you are going through because despite one miscarriage, I had a relatively easy time when it came to becoming pregnant with both of my children, (even though they were conceived many years a part).

    I wish I could give you a hug! I am always so uplifted and inspired by your blog and your positive outlook even during struggles and hardship such as these.

    I honestly believe you will be blessed with another little one. Hang in there sweetie :)


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