I Could Cry

Last night I had been thinking over and over about if I wanted to test or not. Finally while we were eating dinner I decided that if I had a test I may as well use it. So I told B "If I have a test I'm going to test in the morning." I could see the wheels turning in his mind so I said "To see if our sex marathon worked." He just said "Oh, ok."

Men just don't get how taxing it is on a woman to see BFN after BFN and how scary it is to sit there waiting by yourself. So I found a test, but it was a First Response, not a cheap dollar store test like what I was hoping to find. I wasn't sure I wanted to use it. Those suckers are expensive you know. But I put that and a cup out anyway, just in case I changed my mind.

Before going to bed I decided that if my temp went up in the morning and I had no signs of AF or anything that I would test.

**Warning, if you don't want to know personal information skip to the end**

This morning when I took my temp I had to check it 3 times before I was sure I read it right. I mean it was 4am and the only light was the TV. I went in looked at the test and decided well, I'll pee in the cup, still unsure of if I wanted to test or not.

There was no sign of AF when I wiped so I decided to check my cervix. Low, hard and closed. I don't know what I was thinking, that it would be a sure sign or something, but whatever.

So I bit the bullet, opened the test and dipped it. I watched it for a second and wasn't even sure it was going to process. I went and put the toothpaste on my toothbrush and started brushing my teeth. I wandered back over to the table by the toilet where the test was sitting and looked to see if it even processed.

**This is the end**

So it's tears of joy I could cry. Please pray that this little bean sticks. We certainly aren't out of the woods yet.

I Resisted!

Yup that's right, I didn't test this morning. Although I did think about it, I was just too tired and had to go too bad to look for an HPT. I won't lie, part of me wishes I had tested because I hate the feeling that anything I feel all day could be real or all in my head. According to Fertility Friend, tomorrow is the last day of my average LP. I actually think it is today because I'm pretty sure I O'd the night before my temp rise. Either way, I'd really like to wait it out until Thursday, I just don't know if that is going to happen.

I'm definitely having IPS (Imaginary Pregnancy Symptoms). Passing nausea, slight cramping, and my bbs are itchy. Yeah I know sounds weird, but they are. On the other hand, signs of AF, break out on face, slight cramping. I'm really trying not to get my hopes up.

If you would like to vote for Lillian in the Parent's Magazine Cover contest please click here. There's no signing up and it only takes a second. You can vote once a day from every computer/phone! Right now she's in 98, but I'm hoping with repeat voters we can get her up to the top.

Measuring Time

We all measure time. Some times it's a count down to an event or date. Like I've been counting down to my sister's 21st birthday. Which is now only 5 days away (counting today)! And some times we measure by saying "it's been # weeks since..." Did you know it's been 26 weeks since Christmas???

It's strange that I can pretty much remember every cycle that I truly thought I was pregnant. I know it's been 26 weeks since Christmas because my friend got her BFP on Christmas. I can't believe she's 30 weeks already! This also means that if I had been pregnant like I would have swore I was on New Years, I would be 29 weeks now. I still remember the day AF showed up and the feeling of defeat I had and wondering if I had been imagining all those symptoms.

I have been doing quite well this cycle trying not to think about things. Of course it helps that I've been feeling weak and tired anyway. But since Wednesday and Thursday last week, it has been difficult to not wonder. See I was 5 and 6 dpo and had some spotting. Nothing like AF, just a few brown spots on the TP. Now of course I was also dealing with a YI (and if you don't know what that is, you probably don't want to). Anyway, this weekend I've had a few pains in my cervix that stopped me in my tracks and made me take deep breaths. If this means anything, I have no idea, but at 12 weeks with Lillian I went to the ER because I was having cervical pain and was worried about a miscarriage. In any event I've had some very slight come and go cramping, could be AF, could be my imagination, could be just about anything. I am going to try my best and hold out until Thursday before I test. And I'm also going to try and convey my daily thoughts and feelings to you, the internets, if hopes of shedding some light on the emotions an infertile goes through.

Happy Monday everyone. I could really use any baby dust you have to spare.

OPKs and Other Useless Things

OK, maybe it's really just the OPKs on my mind right now....

I got a + OPK on Tuesday. According to how OPKs and the woman's body is supposed to work, I should have O'd yesterday at the latest. And I really think I did, but there wasn't much of a temp rise this morning. It went up some, but not like the smack in the face you O'd kind of rise. So guess what, hubby and I are going on 4 days in a row of trying to make a baby! Yeah I know some people think "Oh you lucky girl." Don't get me wrong I enjoy it, but it's just so unromantic and frustrating. Anyway, I really hope I get a rise tomorrow because I don't think things can get any more perfect than they are this month, well assuming the fluid is gone from my tubes.

Another useless thing is the dog collars I've bought for our "puppy". He's a year old and part Bullmastif and has gone through 3 collars this week! I just picked up another new one today, if this doesn't work he may have to become a neighborhood dog.

In some good news, Lilli is pretty much potty trained!!! Only 2 weeks!!! I'm so proud of her. The only hard part now is when she's in new places and feels like she might miss something. She still goes, but doesn't give quite as much notice that she needs to go.

Hope everyone has a good weekend, I'm spending mine on some major house cleaning.

A New Day A New Hope

Preface: I have an OB and a midwife. They work in the same office. My midwife handles my pregnancy and yearly check ups and such. The OB handles any abnormal findings, infertility diagnostics, c-sections and the like. The OB is actually the one who delivered Lillian as she was on call that night. I won't lie, I was very glad she delivered her because I think she did an AMAZING job, but my midwife's bedside manners are a little better.

So I had an appointment with my midwife, ML, yesterday for a fallow up from Dec. Everything looks good now, which I expected. I had almost canceled the appointment, but decided I wanted to see her and ask her some questions now that I've had a chance to let this whole hydrosalpinx news sink in. So when she asked how I was doing I told her "Good besides the news I got here last week." She said "That's right, I remember seeing the hydrosalpinx in your report now. Don't stress over it, the last two patients I had with it, it resolved itself." Then we went on and talked about other things for a few minutes. Before I left she gave me a hug and said "I'm glad you came in and I got to see you. It's a great sign that we were able to get the dye pushed through and I'm confident it will resolve itself. You are coming back next month for and ultrasound right?" I told her yes and we said our good-byes, with her adding she hopes to see me soon (my ultrasound is with the OB, not her). ML is one of those people who just makes you feel like she's on your side. And she told me to call immediately if I get a positive pregnancy test before my ultrasound.

All in all I'm feeling a little more hopeful today that things will clear up this month and we will be pregnant soon.

I'm also hopeful that Lillian is making good progress on the potty training. She only had 2 accidents yesterday, and for the way things were going, that's great. She even freaked out last night while we were laying in bed watching a movie and she had to pee and started going in her diaper. (she had a diaper on cause she was exhausted and I thought she may fall asleep).

I've been feeling pretty fat lately. Although my weight is pretty much only fluctuating about 5lbs, I've been feeling huge. For some reason I decided to try on a skirt I bought myself last year as a goal gift, but I haven't been able to fit into it yet. Well it fit this morning. I was able to pull it over my hips and button it! It's still a little tight in the thighs for sitting in it all day, but it fits! Hopefully it will give me the motivation to get back into my exercise routine. I've still been exercising, but not with the energy and effort I should be.

I guess that's enough rambling today...

Hydrosalpinx

That's the technical term for what I was diagnosed with a week ago and I still don't really know how I feel about it.

Some times I feel hopeful and other times I'm quite depressed. At one point I had a list going on my computer with a list of all the emotions I was feeling and why, but then the breaker blew here at work and that list is gone.

I think my 3 most prominent feels are Depression/Sadness, Denial, and hopeful.

Yeah weird combination right? I'm very sad and depressed to be in this situation. I just can't stop thinking about how all I've ever wanted was to be a mom and the thought that it would be a problem never crossed my mind. Which puts me in denial that I will only have one baby girl. I refuse to believe that I will never have another baby. So, I am hopeful that since the contrast dye from the HSG was able to be pushed through my tubes that the fluid will also be able to escape and my ultrasound next month will show little to no fluid. Or maybe I'll even win the lottery and my ultrasound next month will be to make sure I don't have a tubal pregnancy rather than to check for fluid.

What frustrates me the most is that I can't seem to find much information about treatment online. I have found lots of definitions and causes, but not much about treatment. I was assuming that when my OB said in extreme cases the tubes are removed and then IVF is used, but I didn't realize that besides that there isn't much that can be done. I have found a few sites that reference a massage type treatment where they manipulate your tubes to free blockages, but I don't know if it works for fluid. I've also seen a few mentions of larposcopy to clear the tubes of blockages, but again I'm not sure that applies to fluid. I feel like my ultrasound on July 11th is forever away. I just keep picturing fluid flowing out of my tubes and praying that it clears up.

I have also been dealing with lots of pregnancy news lately. While I am over the moon for my brother who's second little girl will be arriving on the 22nd, and for my friend who has been TTC for about as long as I have, who just got her BFP this week, I'm admittedly completely jealous of both of them.

3rd Time's a Charm

Right???

Well it has to be. B told me this morning that if they didn't accept the sample this time, yes they rejected it a second time because I dropped it off too late, that we could forget about having it done.

I don't blame him really. Even I'm getting pissed off and I'm not the one providing the sample. But this morning the guy behind the desk (a different one from both other times) didn't understand why I insisted on staying there until he found the paperwork. I told him "This is my 3rd time trying to drop off this sample, I want to make sure you have all the paperwork and this gets tested." So he finds the lab slip and looks at me and says "I can understand why he's upset about this." Then he looks at the sample that was now a half hour old (you are supposed to have it there within a half hour, which I did, but all the waiting made it longer) and then he says "I will get this right back that and make sure it's tested." That was almost 2 hours ago now and I haven't gotten a phone call so I think we finally got the SA done.

OK, I'm sure you're sick of hearing about B'd woes. On to another topic that I never thought would make me so happy, pee and poop! Lillian did both in her potty yesterday! I was so proud of her. No accidents and she used the potty 3 times! I never thought I would be this excited about it! After she pooped she walked around saying "I pooped in the pot-ee" you know like the conga song, over and over. I love her pride!

I Survived!

I am very thankful to be the girl that can say "it was no big deal." Besides having to wait almost 2 hours for my blood work to come back (apparently only verifying that I wasn't pregnant, insert eye roll), everything went rather smoothly.

One thing not so cool, was the nurse having me get on the table and put my legs in the stirrups and then going to get the doctor who I probably had to wait 10 minutes for, in a freezing cold room! Yeah not a position I like to be in for no good reason! Anyway I felt very little pain or even discomfort until the end. It was also pretty need to be able to watch the screen and see the contrast going in and moving through my system. At the end I did get one very big cramp. Unofficial results were that everything looked fairly normal. The one bad cramp I experienced was because he had to add extra pressure to the contrast to get it through meaning there may have been a small blockage. He also said that the right tube is extremely dilated (Like 5 times bigger than the left), but it should not be a cause to prevent pregnancy.

So that was it. Now oddly enough all week I had been stressing because I was pretty sure that I O'd on Tuesday, based on several factors. Well after the HSG I decided to stay home, not because I was in pain or anything, but because my craft room needed some major cleaning and trying to do that with my "little helper" around is about impossible. As you can see she loves to help:

Anyway, throughout the day my cramping got worse and worse. Nothing I was concerned about since my Oing pain is normally pretty bad. Then I realized, maybe we didn't miss our chance this month! Maybe I was having O pains on top of HSG cramping. I still don't know for sure and probably won't for a few more days, but if you want to follow along, check out my Fertility Friend Chart, or click on the ticker to the right.

Guilty or Not Guilty?

Me, I'm some where in between and it changes based on how I'm feeling every day. I'm talking about the guilty feelings of TTC.



TTC with a child and TTC without a child are completely different in some emotional aspects. Yesterday I was talking with my TTC friends and we were discussing what our TTC plans are and what lengths we are willing to go to to get our 2nd pregnancy. It made me realize that depending on what lengths you went to the first time makes you feel different about the second time. For the girl that knows she will have to do IVF to get pregnant, she is completely content with her family of 3 and does not want to have to do another fresh IVF cycle. The girl that has suffered many miscarriages is also very happy with her twin girls. She plans to try for only 6 months with no medical procedures. If it doesn't happen, she too is extremely happy. Then there is me. I've had one miscarriage, and was about to begin fertility testing when I got pregnant with my precious little girl. At this point I'm not sure how far I am willing to go to get pregnant again. What I do know is that I can't wrap my head around the thought of us being a family of 3 forever.



This is where guilty or not guilty comes in. Lillian is the light of my life and I love her more than anything in the world. I feel guilty for not being happy with just her, for refusing to believe that she will be my only child. I appreciate the fact that I didn't need any medical intervention to get her and I can't imagine a more perfect child, but I can't imagine not having another one either.



Some times I don't feel as guilty because I know Lillian will be an amazing big sister. She loves babies (even the ones that are only months younger than her). She likes to play with them, "read" to them, and take care of them any way you will let her. She is the only child I've ever scene not get mad when her mommy is holding another baby for a prolonged period of time.



But what I can't get out of my head is "why can't she be enough?" All my life all I've wanted is a family. Before my teen years I wanted lots of kids, in my teen years I decided I wanted to be an independent woman and have a career so I decided 2 kids and a good job would be great. Now, all I want is to be a SAHM or even a WAHM with as many kids as god is willing to give me. And I just can't accept that it will only be one.



Sorry for rambling so much, I hope it makes sense and doesn't jump all over too much! I will leave you with pictures of my favorite times!

I Got Lucky!

Not the way I want or the way I enjoy, but in the blood drawing sense, I was pretty lucky today.

I went for my blood work today and when I first got there I realized there were at least 2 other girls there doing a glucose test. I only know this because I saw the bottles in their hands. After registering I go into the lab and the lady just looked at me like I was crazy. Then she says "Do you have an appointment?" I must have looked as shocked as I was. I said "No, I was told I didn't need one." I really thought she was going to tell me to come back because they do all the labs for the hospital and considering it is time sensitive I thought she was going to tell me to come back later.

There was no way I was fasting any longer though! 8:30pm to 9am was long enough. Turns out she was nicer than I thought though because she ended up doing all but one of my blood draws. The first draw was 8 vials! And when I realized she didn't use the butterfly (I can't look at needles in me) I was surprised at how steady her hand was. The worst part of getting my blood drawn is when they switch vials and the needle moves your vein around.

While pregnant with Lillian I only had to do the 1 hour glucose test, so I didn't realize that they were going to have to draw blood 4 times during this one! Nor did I think I was going to be able to pee in a cup every time they drew blood.

I'm glad it's done with though. And I escaped with minimal marks. So far no bruising, even though I was poked in the same spot twice! Just some red marks. And the worst part is from where the tape irritated my skin from being put on and ripped off twice!

Now I just have to get B's sample to the lab and my hsg done.

Where Do We Go From Here???

Yesterday was my appointment with my midwife to talk about fertility testing. One of the things she said, that I hadn't thought about was "Have you talked about how far you are willing to go?" This is something I don't even know how I feel about. I have been so focused on finding out what is wrong that I haven't even considered what I may have to do to "fix" it. I really do want another baby in the worst way, I just can't imagine never being pregnant again and I can't imagine Lillian being an only child, but I don't know what lengths I would want (or be able to afford) to go to in order for those things to happen.

For the time being I am going to continue to procrastinate on thinking about IUI or IVF. Right now we are starting with the basics.

Because my midwife is so wonderful and knows my history she pretty much already had a plan in mind. She verified with me that I had used some sort of ovulation detection method and that we had timed intercourse for at least 12 cycles. We are starting with some blood work for me, checking hormone levels and such. Then I will go for an HSG. In the mean time B is going to have his sperm analyzed. Although we have talked in the past about him having to do this, the look on his face when I told him what the little cup was for was priceless.

So in 3 weeks we go back to discuss the results of the testing with the office OB and decide where we want to go from there.

On a happy note, it felt great yesterday when the nurse took my weight. Based on my last weight she put the weight weight at 200 and then had to move it back to 150! I honestly can't remember the last time that little counter weight was at the 150 mark!

Oh and Mother's day was great! We started our garden and we've been working in it nightly as a family. It's been so much fun! Lillian even planted her own Blackberry bush! I wish I had pictures, but my hands were a little too dirty to be handling a camera!

A new day

I'm doing a little better today. I'm actually a little anxious for my appointment on Monday. I'm eager to know what she has to say and what suggestions she will make.

I'm also a little nervous that we won't be able to figure out why we can't get pregnant. What will I do if my insurance doesn't cover the testing?

It is strange, I have no problem telling the Internets about my worries and frustrations, but I have yet to tell my mother that I ever even mentioned how long we've been trying to my midwife. And I don't plan on telling her that I've scheduled an appointment to start testing. I just don't want to hear what she has to say. I remember when I was going in to see the OB at the office for a follow up I told my mom "I think I'm going to mention to the OB that we've been trying a year." and her response was something along the lines of, you're just stressing to much, I wouldn't worry about it, a year isn't that long.

I'm pretty sure my mother has never really tried to get pregnant. I've asked her and she just tells me "Both times I just stopped using birth control and eventually I was pregnant." Well my thinking is that her definition of eventually and my are a little different. Because trust me, if you've tried for more than 4 or 5 months you know it.

In other news, last night I was giving Lillian a bath and she had just climbed in and she looks at me and says "Mommy, need to go potty." Obviously I told her ok. So she climbs out, sits on her potty for less than a minute and says "I done." To my surprise when she stood up she had actually gone potty!!! I was so proud of her. I hope these random uses of the potty start to become more frequent.

The Waiting Game...

Is over. When my alarm clock went off this morning I had no signs of a new cycle beginning. I decided to test. I was so nervous and scared and really had no idea how I was going to react either way. So I take the test and let it sit while I brush my teeth...
I go back to check it and....

My first feeling was that of anger, why had I even tested? But that feeling quickly turned to frustration and sadness. If I could have thrown myself against the wall this morning I probably would have. Instead, despite my depression, I went and blew off some steam on the treadmill. I went for 40 minutes and had I not had to start getting ready for work, I would have gone longer.
As I was getting ready for work, I started cramping. I'm sure my next cycle will start by noon time today.

Debating...

It's that time of month again... When I always wrestle with myself on if I should test or not. Ok in all reality it normally starts around 10 dpo and I'm normally trying to convince myself that testing is a bad idea. But this month is different. I have had no trouble not testing and honestly don't even really know if I want to.

I'm not sure why I don't want to test. It may be the fear of failure, yet again, or knowing that I have promised myself we will begin testing if we don't get a BFP. Or maybe it's just the fear of only seeing one line.

Month after month I convince myself that I have symptoms and I just KNOW that test is going to show 2 lines, but this month it's just different. I've ignored everything that could be a symptom and because of the last month we were TTC and having no sign of AF until she arrived I've decided that's what's happening this time too.

These are the stats of the 14 cycles I've kept track of since TTC:

Today is Cycle day 31, I should be 13 or 14 dpo, and I just don't know if I should test yet. What do you think? Do me a favor and vote on the Poll to the right.

Hopefully tomorrow I will get a chance to post some of the pictures I got of Lillian this weekend.

Appreciating My Infertility

Sounds crazy doesn't it? I have to appreciate some of the things that have come into my life because of my infertility though.

When we first started trying I joined the What.To.Expect website where I got to chat with all sorts of women who were trying to get pregnant just like me. I didn't really have a chance to get to know too many people since I was only there for 2 cycles, but there was one forum that I joined that I stayed and chatted with the girls. When I had my miscarriage these girls were there for me and helped me through the tough time. After a year there were still 8 of us in this forum and now almost 4 years later we still all talk pretty much on a daily basis.

These girls have helped me through so much and they understand what I'm going through. These girls are the ones that I cried tears of joy for when they told me they were pregnant and again when they had their little ones. The ones I run to when my mom tells me "don't worry, you're stressing too much."

And these girls are there with their kind words and positive thoughts every month when announce the arrival of the unwanted guest after I excitedly told them for a week how sure I was I was pregnant. They don't judge or think I'm crazy for having symptoms every month.

And now that we all have little ones they are a great support for those tough parenting situations. We also love to share stories, pictures and all the stress that comes with parenting.

I hope that if you are suffering from infertility you can find something good in it.

Just Relax

Reading the comment on yesterday's blog made me realize that many women have no idea there is two different kinds of "relaxing" when it comes to TTC. And in those two different kinds there are varying degrees for each individual.

For most couples when you first start trying it is completely relaxed, and most couples don't even realize that in all reality you really only have about 9 days where becoming pregnant is possible as long as the couple has healthy sperm and eggs. I don't know what school teaches now, but they never taught me that. Sperm can live for approximately 7 day in the most fertile conditions and an egg will be viable anywhere from 12 to 48 hours. This is the most optimal time for conception.

Most women also don't realize that their body is constantly giving them signs as to what part of your cycle you are in. When I was in school I was taught that if you have your period you are most likely not going to get pregnant, the rest of your cycle you can easily get pregnant. I understand the scare tactic, I really do, but it's definitely not truthful. The truth is, approximately 48 hours after you ovulate until you start menstruating, you have less chance of getting pregnant than any other time in your cycle.

I would say somewhere around the 6th month of trying most couples start to wonder why they aren't pregnant yet. In reality this is only 6 tries at getting pregnant, but 6 months feels like forever. This is where the women start doing research on "how to get pregnant". This is also when they learn about all the myths of infertility, like relaxing, or this sex position increases your chances, or put your hips in the air... the list can go on and on.

Eventually you either read about you Basal Body Temperature (BBT) or you go see your doctor and they tell you about it your BBT is the simplest at home way to tell if you are ovulating. I won't go into details, but basically you chart your temperature every morning, and you keep track of any discharge and cramps you may have. Most doctors, before proceeding with testing will require you to do this for 6 months. You get to know your body very intimately.

And here is where type one of relaxing ends. After 6 months of seeing that you are ovulating and paying close attention to what your body is telling you, it's kind of hard to stop. At this point doing a "relaxed" cycle pretty much just means that you aren't going to take your temperature every day, you aren't going to use ovulation predictor kits (OPKs) and you are going to try like hell to not take a test until after the day you expect your period.

But it is about impossible to stop paying attention to what you feel in your body. Especially if you have experienced pregnancy before. Every cycle you just know "this is it", when I got pregnant before I had cramps this many days after ovulation, or my breasts are tender this month, I have to be pregnant, or such and such only happens when I'm pregnant. But guess what, these things are never true. Many pregnancy symptoms are the same as your menstruation symptoms and no two pregnancies are the same. So every month you say "we're just going to relax" you do just fine until you notice your discharge is becoming fertile, and then you are ok for about a week until you realize "it's about time for implantation". And then your head spins and you don't know if what you are feeling is real or not.

If there is any infertile out there with advise on how to "relax" more please give the advice.

Even on a cycle where we have said "we're just going to have sex for fun this month, no timing, noting" I can't help but know that it's my fertile time. After months of keeping track of when you are fertile, you just know. And when you want a baby, you can't help but make sure you don't miss a chance.

I appreciate your comment Olive Oyl, and in all honestly what you suggested is exactly what we have been doing for the last 6 months. I charted my BBT long enough to confirm I was ovulating and that was it.

If anyone wants to learn more about their body and their cycle I suggest the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility. This book has taught me so much and I plan to have my daughter read it when she starts learning about reproduction in school. It teaches you how to know when you are fertile and when you are not and how to use your cycle signals as a natural family planning method.

I hope this all makes sense to everyone. It kind of just came pouring out.

Deciding to Get Tested

I am having trouble with this topic. I am the type of person that tries to put on a happy face to make sure everyone around me is happy, comfortable and worry free, while inside things may be eating me up. This being my personality it also means that I don't like going to someone and admitting something is wrong. Even though chances are good that I won't need IUI or IVF, the feeling that my body can't work on it's own really bothers me.

I know this will be a process, mentally, like finally getting on my happy pills. It took me a long time to accept the fact that depression was most likely going to be a part of my life forever. Now that I have admitted it and treat it, I feel better. And honestly no one would ever have to know if I didn't tell them. And the same will go for infertility.

I keep putting it off though. Back in Dec. 2010 my OB told me to call whenever I wanted to start testing. B and I decided we would wait until after the holidays. Then I decided that I will try and lose some weight first, I mean really, the first time I got pregnant I was a good 30lbs lighter than I was then. Now that I have lost weight I keep telling myself that I need to give it a few months to see if it works. What's it going to take for me to just go start the testing???

Some times I think "why haven't you started yet? The longer you wait the longer it will take, the older you will be, the older Lillian will be..."

I am to begin testing for pregnancy in a few days and if I have no good news to share I hope that I can be in the same mind set that I am right now that it's time.

Feel free to ask me any questions about my experiences or infertility in general. Is there a specific topic you are wondering about, just let me know.

How to Deal with an Infertile...

Here's the biggest problem dealing with an infertile... most of the time you don't know when you are. That's right, we don't carry a card in out pocket (unless you count the ones with the OB and RE's numbers on them) and we don't have signs around our necks. My point is, you never know if you are talking to someone who is having trouble conceiving. Questions such as:


~ When are you gonna start having kids?
~ Don't you think you should start a family?
~ So when's the next one coming?


Are really not appropriate questions to ask anyone if you don't know their situation. And yes they are all questions that I have been asked.


I remember being asked "when are you going to start having kids?" after my miscarriage. I already felt broken for not being able to keep my pregnancy and then again for not being able to get pregnant again. I didn't even know how to answer this question and finally just answered every inquiry with "When it happens, it happens" because really I don't want to tell you how broken I am.


I think the worst comment so far in my venture for my second bundle of joy came when I had been trying for 10 or 11 months. I ran into a girl I work with in the bathroom. She asked how the baby was and we chatted. Then she said "you know it's much easier to have your kids close in age, you should have another one now." All I said was "yeah that's what I've heard." What I really wanted to say was..."bitch, if my body worked like yours I would probably be out on maternity leave right now, but it doesn't so shut your pie hole!"


Just recently at a baby shower I was asked "When are you going to start trying for another one?" I honestly said "We've been trying for over a year." The girl actually talking to me said "Oh I'm so sorry." The girl sitting next to me said "Oh just relax and it will happen. You're thinking about it too much." Well guess what, we were very relaxed for the first 6 months and it didn't happen, what makes you think relaxing now will be any different.

Don't get me wrong, I think you should enquire with you close friends and family about their family plans, just do it in an appropriate way that won't make them want to gouge your eyes out. Questions such as:

~ Do you plan on having a family?
~ How many kids do you think you want to try for?
~ Do you plan on having more kids?

are much less invasive than the first set of questions. They also leave room for as much or as little information as the person wants to share. And if you do talk to an infertile couple, please don't recommend different things to try if you yourself have not had personal experience with it. There are many myths out there.

If you have a myth you would like to bust, please join in the challenge or if you would like to learn more about infertility visit Resolve

Infertility Awareness Week

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week, so I want to share some of my experiences with you.

There are many myths out there about infertility. I think the biggest one is that it is not common. Did you know that 1 in 8 couples have fertility issues? With statistics like that chances are you know someone who suffers from infertility.

Here are a few other myths:
~ Infertility means you can't get pregnant: this is true, but infertility also covers the repeated loss of pregnancy.

~ Infertility is a female condition: This is not true, of the couples suffering from infertility, approximately 17% are male factor cases.

~ If you get pregnant easily the first time you will not suffer from infertility: Secondary infertility is when you are able to get pregnant and have a baby and then can't get pregnant again.

I never knew what infertility even was until we decided we were ready to have a baby. As I was taught in school I figured all I needed to do was have unprotected sex and I would be pregnant. This in itself to me is a myth, but it is true for many couples. I thought it was true for us when we got pregnant only the 2nd month we tried. We were so excited, and kept the secret for about a week and announced it to all the family at Christmas. It was the best Christmas ever, until two weeks later when I started spotting. I hadn't even had my first OB appointment yet so they sent me for an Ultrasound to check on the pregnancy. There was a baby and it had a heartbeat of 94 bpm. To me this was a good sign, until 2 days later when I started cramping and they sent me for another ultrasound. This time the tech wouldn't show me the screen and I knew there was no heartbeat. I had prepared myself for the news already, but it was still devastating.

Doctors recommendations were to wait for my next cycle before we started crying again. This was fine with me, I needed time to mourn my loss. Again we made an incorrect assumption though. We thought that because we got pregnant so quickly the first time that within a cycle or two we would be pregnant again. Month after month we timed sex, I took my temperature, I used Ovulation Predictor Kits (OPKs), the cheap and the expensive and month after month a new cycle would begin. As we neared my due date for the first pregnancy I decided it was time to take a break. We were going to have sex for fun and if nothing happened I would schedule an appointment to start fertility testing. Not paying attention to my cycle turned out to be much harder than I anticipated so I made sure we were having timed sex. I wasn't even going to test because I was sure it was going to be negative. A few days after my original due date and a few days before our anniversary I decided to test anyway, after all it was becoming a habit. This time though, I didn't even look at the test. I made B go in the bathroom and look for me. I couldn't stand seeing another negative test. To my surprise he came back to the bedroom speechless and just shook his head yes. All of a sudden I was flooded with emotions. Joy, fear, excitement... I didn't know how I really felt.

For more information on infertility please visit http://www.resolve.org/infertility101 and http://www.resolve.org/takecharge. for more information on National Infertility Awareness Week® (NIAW)

More Changes to Come

Right now I'm all about making changes. And you will be seeing some here too. It's time for a change and a re-focus.

In February B and I went to Vegas and while we were certain that we caught that little egg while we were there. No AF symptoms or anything, until she showed up right on time, out of no where. This was VERY depressing for me and I decided it was time for a change. We currently aren't actively TTC, but we aren't preventing either. I am now focusing on losing some weight in hopes that it will help us become pregnant. To get to my "ideal" weight I need to lose about 60lbs. That's a lot! I will be happy to lose 40 right now. After some recommendations from friends I've decided to try the hcg diet. So far I'm on day 3 and things are going great!

I guess that's about it for now, I have lots rolling around in my head so I'm sure there will be more updates soon along with a new look to the blog...