Thursday, April 28, 2011

Deciding to Get Tested

I am having trouble with this topic. I am the type of person that tries to put on a happy face to make sure everyone around me is happy, comfortable and worry free, while inside things may be eating me up. This being my personality it also means that I don't like going to someone and admitting something is wrong. Even though chances are good that I won't need IUI or IVF, the feeling that my body can't work on it's own really bothers me.

I know this will be a process, mentally, like finally getting on my happy pills. It took me a long time to accept the fact that depression was most likely going to be a part of my life forever. Now that I have admitted it and treat it, I feel better. And honestly no one would ever have to know if I didn't tell them. And the same will go for infertility.

I keep putting it off though. Back in Dec. 2010 my OB told me to call whenever I wanted to start testing. B and I decided we would wait until after the holidays. Then I decided that I will try and lose some weight first, I mean really, the first time I got pregnant I was a good 30lbs lighter than I was then. Now that I have lost weight I keep telling myself that I need to give it a few months to see if it works. What's it going to take for me to just go start the testing???

Some times I think "why haven't you started yet? The longer you wait the longer it will take, the older you will be, the older Lillian will be..."

I am to begin testing for pregnancy in a few days and if I have no good news to share I hope that I can be in the same mind set that I am right now that it's time.

Feel free to ask me any questions about my experiences or infertility in general. Is there a specific topic you are wondering about, just let me know.

1 comment:

  1. Aww! I know what you mean about not wanting to admit or let anyone know when something is wrong. I know that when you are trying to have a baby it's hard to not dwell on the subject month after month when there's no BFP. Is it possible for you to just concentrate on other things for a few months? Perhaps but trying on the back burner in the sense that maybe you will still keep track of your cycle to determine when you are ovulating and then you and hubby can do the deed, :) but just not think about the fact that you have been having difficulty and maybe nature will take it's course? I know in some cases, particularly when one baby has already been conceived that secondary infertility is due to dwelling on it. I don't mean it shouldn't be important to you, I know trying for a baby is a major thing. But possibly just letting your mind and thoughts check out for a bit? Then perhaps in a couple months if just trying to go with the flow doesn't work, then meet with your doctor for testing?

    I hope that I am not sound unsympathetic or like I am trying to minimize what you are going through, I know this has to be extremely tough. I just thought maybe relaxing for a bit might help the process along?


Your ramblings...