Baby Squash

Start with any kind of squash (this is also a good way to make pumpkin for the pumpkin)

Pre-heat the oven to 400F

Cut it in half and scrape the seeds out. 

(you could keep these and roast for yourself)

Place cut side down in a baking pan with 1-2 inches of water.

Bake in the oven for 45 min to an hour.

Or until the skin is puckered like below.

Let it cool until you can handle it and scoop out the "meat".

I squashed it (punned totally intended),

in the bowl with the spoon before putting in my bullet.

Puree until you reach the consistency you want, 

adding water as needed.

Baby girl was awake and hungry by the time I got here so I totally for got to take after pictures...

And because I'm lame I have no idea what the cost break down was either.  I made this probably a month ago... See hard to keep up...

Depressing

There's lots going on lately, but most of it is depressing so I haven't been writing much about it.  I mean who wants to read a blog about depressing shit.  So in a nutshell here's what's up...

• We are BROKE.  Daycare is sucking the $$$ out of us and I'm trying to find a way to fix this without having to do unthinkable things.
• Laney is still suffering from her reflux issues and I feel horrible for her.  Although she has been better through the night the last few nights.  
• Tuesday I went and signed the release papers to switch the girls to a new doctor.  I need some one who is going to take Laney's issues seriously and not treat me like I'm over reacting because my kids cries and spits up.
• Lillian has all of a sudden decided to start up with the back talking and inappropriate tones when talking to adults again.  
• Screaming baby and mouthy pre-schooler make for one irritable mama.
• B has left on a 4 day hunting trip.
• Hunting has started...
• I HATE hunting season...
• Both of my sitters have decided to take the sames days off so now I have to take time off of work to stay home with the kids.  Finding a sitter (because every one I know works!) has been challenging, but I think I finally found a sitter for 2 of the days so I only have to use one vacation day.
• Hunting season sucks. Yes it sucks enough to be repeated!

Hope everyone else is a little less stressed!

The Compassionate One?

This weekend there was some major role reversing in my house and I don’t like it.  What I don’t like even more is that I’m not sure I would react any differently at this moment as I did when it happened.

If you remember last weekend was one with little sleep.  So much so that I didn’t even go to work on Monday.  Starting Monday night things weren’t too bad with Laney.  She pretty much slept through the night all week   She woke up earlier than usual a few days, but nothing too out of the ordinary.  

Lillian was pretty good all week.  No major fights, no bathroom accidents and no major bed time issues either!

B, well, he behaved, but it wasn’t his finest week.  Monday he came down with a cold and basically came home from work and went to bed.  Tuesday he bowled, Wed he came home whining and complaining again.  Thursday I was glad for a night away and Friday he was still miserable.

Well Wednesday I started coming down with the cold too.  But you know since I’m mom I had to suck it up…

You’ve been home with the kids for two hours buy yourself and neither one of them wants to leave you alone? Oh that’s too bad cause my head’s been hurting all day…

What, you’re tired?  Well, get the girls fed, bathed and to bed and you can go to bed…

Why haven’t you taken anything?  Oh you can’t take much cause your nursing?  Ok, well I’m going to take the last 2 of the pills you can take cause they worked last time…

This may or may not be a slight exaggeration of how things happened, but in my snot filled head it’s how I felt…

So Friday night, when Lillian comes to my room, only 2 short hours after I get a once again not sleeping Laney to bed, crying because he throat hurts I tried my best.  She asked for a cough drop, but because she was going to pass back out I said no.  One I didn’t want her choking and two I didn’t want it falling out of her mouth onto my bed or even worse getting stuck in her hair!  She’s crying and screaming, B comes in, an I’m suggesting different drinks for her (she has had no signs of getting this cold and nothing is wrong other than a sore throat, or at least I had to assume since she wouldn’t answer me with anything other than a high pitched whine).  B goes in the bathroom looking for something, I don’t really know what, I’m assuming medicine, but we don’t have any because she refuses to take it anyway.  So I’m trying to explain to Lilli that crying out like that is only going to make it hurt more.  I become exasperated.  I try to give her a drink and she screams at me “No, I don’t want it!”  So I say to her “Well I don’t know what to tell you if you aren’t going to listen to me.” And I lay back down.  She’s now in my bed next to me crying.  B yells at me for not being nicer.  He says something to her and she calms down enough to watch “her show” and after a half hour we are back to sleep.

I won’t go into the next waking with Laney or my lack of sleep the rest of the weekend, but I feel bad about the way I spoke to her.  But right now, in this moment, my more awake (but not more rested) self would tell her the same thing.

When did I become the one with no patience?  When did B become the one with the compassion?  Last night I wanted to yell at Laney because she wouldn’t stop screaming and I can’t figure out why.  I feel so inept as a mom right now.

Composure

I’m having a hard time keeping my composure at work today.  It all started Saturday and I just can’t seem to keep myself under control anywhere.  So this is pretty much going to be a long whiny post if you don't want to hear me be all "oh poor me".

Friday night I took Lillian to see Nemo in 3D.  I think I enjoyed it more than she did.  Although she did great sitting through the movie.  On the way home she wanted to know why Sissy didn’t come, cause she wanted her to.  Me, not so much, it was nice to have a little one on one with my big girl.

Saturday that all changed around noon.  Lilli and I made teething biscuits for Laney and peaches, while she slept.  Around noon when she got up she had the peaches for the first time.  She seemed to like them just as she has liked all the other fruits.  Well around 1 the mood of the day changed drastically.  Laney started crying and growling as she does when she’s upset, so much for folding laundry.  I decided to try giving her a piece of frozen peach in one of those mesh things.  Silly mommy thought it might be her teeth coming in that’s bothering her.  Well I just get the bib on and hand her the peach and BAM, out comes the 2oz of peaches she had eaten along with a crap ton of slimy phlegm type stuff.  Ok, it wasn’t all 2oz and the mess was nicely contained on her bib, PJs and highchair.  I removed her sleeper while she was still in the highchair and the cover and its contents were easily removed and put into the washer.  So I took her temp.  100.2 and then it was a bath.  After bath I spent the next 3 hours sitting in one position on my bed while she slept.  Any time I even tried to move she stirred and started to cry.  Her fever went up to 101 and back down over and over.  Poor girl was tired and uncomfortable. 

All night was pure HELL.  Worse than newborn, she didn’t sleep a full hour straight and when she woke up it was all gut wrenching screaming.  When she did sleep I had to be in a completely upright sitting position.  I had pillows tucked every where cause after a while I just couldn’t keep my eyes open. 

Her nose got runny.  To the point I had to give her 2 bottles because she couldn’t nurse long enough to get a let down.  And the few times she did, she choked on it.  So yeah, feeding then trying to pump with a baby that has to be held upright… impossible!

Anyway I'm sure you get the picture, mommy got no sleep and baby is miserable.

Sunday was football and I seriously thought about staying home, but there was going to be yummy food and people to help me hold the baby.  So I thought.  By the end of the first quarter I decided to take Laney up to the living room (we watch the games in the Bills Cave, AKA Uncle Joe's basement).  Every time there is a good play it was all Woot Woot! and then when they actually score they blare music.  While it didn't scare her, Laney couldn't fall asleep.  I really hadn't thought about this being a problem since rarely do the Buffalo Bills score.

So we I watched the game upstairs in the recliner while Laney slept yet again on me so she could be upright.

Sunday night was more of the same... Monday I snoozed through my workout time, got up took a shower and let B convince me to stay home because I was too tired to work.  This was quite obvious when I put shampoo in my hair twice.  I took both girls to the sitter and went home to eat and sleep.  Not as easy as it sounds..  I did get about an hour though and it was refreshing.  My arms, neck, shoulders, back and even abs were very sore from the positions I'd been sleeping in.

Last night while Laney still didn't go to bed until 10:30, she wasn't screaming and she slept til 4!

Mommy on the other hand is still trying to catch up.  My bosses mood is making me want to lash out!

Co Sleeping

So I never thought I'd be one to co-sleep with my children.  In fact, I was against it.  I mean it can be dangerous, you could roll over, the blankets.... the list goes on.

Then I had a new born.  Still scared to death in the beginning I would get up with her, change her in her room, feed her and then put her back in the bassinet. Problem was, I wasn't putting her back in the bassinet until I was waking up a half hour later.  I was scared to death I was going to drop her.  Then we learned how to feed laying down.  That was the end of it.  I would fall asleep while she ate, she'd fall asleep and at some point I'd wake up and put her back in the bassinet.

Then Laney was born.  Getting her to sleep was impossible.  She cried for hours, you'd get her to sleep, lay her down and she'd wake up.  I can't tell you how many night I fell asleep propped up against my wall with pillows under both arms so she could sleep on my chest and I could still sleep too.  Then we discovered the reflux and we were able to sleep laying down again, but by this point she was so used to sleeping on me she would wake up the second I laid her down anyway.  So we started going to sleep with her eating (laying down)  I have a king size bed and it was just the two of us (that's a whole other post) so after she'd fall asleep I'd just get up and move to the other side of them and barricade her in with pillows.  At midnight we'd do the same thing.  This had been going on for quite some time now, OK more like 5 months and part of it is my fault.  I admit I like sleeping with her and having her cuddle up to me.

But Friday night I said enough is enough.  I want my bed back and I'd like my husband in it with me.  So Friday night after bath I changed her in her room, sat down with her, fed her and when she was done I took her off the boob (which wakes her up some) and let her fall asleep.

Saturday for both naps, I waited until she was good and tired and I laid her in her bed awake.  Both times she was able to put herself to sleep.  Bed time went well, but she woke up after a couple hours screaming off and on.  Even after I picked her up and took her to my room she was screaming.  I think it was teeth.  They looked a little red and she was chewing her thumb and screaming in her sleep.  We got through the night with only 4 wakings though.

Last night went great.  I don't think I was in there 10 minutes with her, including feeding her.  Then I decided that rather than take her to my room and lay down to feed her I'd sit in the chair and feed her.  It took about 10 minutes I think and she then slept in her crib until almost 6 this morning!

Hopefully I can keep up with sitting in her room to feed her at night.

Maybe tomorrow I'll write a post about my husband coming back to my bed...

Friday Night Left Overs

It's Friday and this one sucks, only because it's the first one I've worked in 4 weeks!  What's gonna suck even  more is not having a 3 day weekend.

• I miss my grandparents so much already and they haven't even been back home a week.  I miss breakfast and playing dominoes and just BSing about nothing at all.
• For the last 3 weeks Lillian has spent at least one night at T's.  This week was the first time I really missed her.  Like to the point I wanted to stop over before heading to work just to give her a hug.  *I'm pretty sure T was glad I didn't come wake them up at 6:30 am*
• Delaney's stomach is going to drive me insane!  She is miserable for a few days, finally poops, has gas that makes her miserable for another day and then has a great day.  Then we get gassy again and repeat.
• I'm getting irritated with our sleeping arrangements.  B is sleeping in Lillian's room with her because she pretty much refuses to be in there alone.  Delaney sleeps with me because she is still waking at night to eat.  I've tried putting her to sleep in her room, but all she does is look around at things.  Maybe I need to take her in there more during the day.  Or maybe it's the gas, I don't know.  I just know that I want my bed back with my husband in it.
• I think breaking Lillian of the sleeping habits is going to be harder than Delaney.
• I had the assessment done on the car.  Now lets hope I can get the hood fixed for under $1200!

And lastly, here's my little model showing off a huge pair of underwear held up with clothes pins because she was too busy riding her bike to go in to the bathroom.  Well, she regretted it because she didn't get to ride any more.

Hope everyone has a great weekend.  We are headed to my mom's camp, I hope I can relax some!

She Pooped!

Finally!

And I would be lying if I said I wasn't glad she did it at the sitter's. If we are totally honest, I'd be happy if from now on she only poops while she's at the sitters, but I'm pretty sure that won't happen since I do like having her home.

I don't know how much it really helped her belly though. We still spent most of last night with a very uncomfortable baby. I know some of it is teething, the girl is chewing everything! But the way she throws her body around isn't teething. Last night it was so bad I had to put her on my bed and let her go cause I couldn't keep her on my lap, I was afraid I was going to drop her! After 10 or 15 minutes she got comfortable enough to fall asleep and I didn't bother her again. After eating in the night she had trouble getting comfortable again too. This morning she woke up with all sorts of gas out of both ends. I'm at a loss still. I'm going to keep up with feeding her plums and cereal for a few days and see if we can get her to poop a little more frequently. I'm also looking into a second opinion on her reflux. I'm really irritated by the way my pedi keeps just upping the dose of her meds.

Not that I want the 3 month supply and $70 worth of meds I just got in the mail to go to waist, but I want my happy little girl back.

Oh and she has started crying when I leave after feeding her and giving her medicine at lunch time during the day. Breaks my heart so much I can barely leave.

Here's my big girl yesterday riding in the cart rest for the first time!

Tummy Troubles

Saturday night I actually thought I was going to get some time to myself to blog *gasp* while not at work!  And I did, but I did it on my weight loss blog.

Sadly though the post that should have taken 15 minutes tops took me over an hour.

Starting Friday night I decided it was time for Laney to start sleeping in her own bed.  I don't need 2 girls that won't sleep alone in their room and I swore I wouldn't let it happen.  Well, at 5.5 months old I can see that I may have started a little too late.  But I have been making Laney take her naps in her bed for a few weeks now.  I even take her in and lay her down awake for her naps.  Once in a while I have to go in and have to rock to her to sleep, but that's better than her being in my bed.

So anyway, Friday night went great, she slept in there until 1am when she woke up for her nightly meds and feeding.  At this point I brought her back to my bed.  I do this so that I actually have a chance to fall back asleep before my alarm normally goes off (at 3:30am).

Saturday all was good, except she seemed to be having some trouble getting comfortable and was acting as if she was fighting sleep.  Now I learned with Lilli that if I laid her down before she was tired she would scream, talk whatever until I can in.  But Laney was tired!  Her eyes were all red, she was rubbing them and so on.  But she couldn't get comfortable.  Once she finally did, she slept for 2 hours.  She was pretty good the rest of the day until it was time for bed.  At her normal bed time of 8pm I took her into her room to feed her rather than laying in bed with mommy.  After eating it didn't take long for her to fall asleep.  Unfortunately within 20 minutes of falling asleep again she was awake and not going back to sleep.  She'd start to fall asleep and would all of a sudden throw her head back arching her back.  Then she'd try to curl right up into a ball or throw herself from side to side.  Most of the time with her eyes closed and a thumb in her mouth.  This went on until almost 11pm.  She managed to sleep until 2, but it took longer than normal for her to go back to sleep then and then she was up again from 4 to 5.  Sunday was filled mostly with eating, wanting to be held and some sleeping.  She actually did quite well at the outside birthday party we attended my niece.  Although I held her most of the time, she napped on my shoulder and didn't cry too much when I put her down in her seat so I could eat.  On the 15 minute car ride home she fell asleep and even stayed asleep while I got her out of her seat and in the house.  It wasn't until  gave her meds that she opened her eyes and sissy thought she needed "watch" her.  She has a very hard time understanding that no talking means NO talking.  So again last night I was up with little Laney until 11 with the same screaming, as Saturday night, only this time my alarm was going off at 3:30 am!

If you do not wish to read about my daughter's bowel movements you may want to stop reading now...

So here's my worry, I don't know if all this is reflux related or not.  Right now she is on 2 medications.  One for the reflux (twice a day) and one that is supposed to help her digest faster and not spit up so much (every 6 hours).  I think they are both technically working, but also causing another major problem.  She isn't pooping.  My poor girl is going 3 days without a messy diaper and even when they come they are not normal.  The last decent one was like paste.  As of right now the last one she had was Friday morning and that was more like a messy fart.  And the one she had yesterday I can't even count because it looked more like a booger came out her ass.  yes, it was even greenish and sticky.

And my poor girl can't get the gas out either!  I've tried rice cereal and oatmeal (both made with apple juice), I've tried not giving it to her, I've tried diluted apple juice and tonight will be plums (prunes are just dried up plums).  If this doesn't work I don't know what I'm going to do.

Life Happens

Life always seems to just be passing by.  I'm constantly trying to remind myself to slow down and take it all in cause you will never get these days back!  I mean look at this, my baby girl can sit now!

After Lillian spending the night at T's on Tuesday I was so excited to come home and hear all about it last night.  That last all of about 30 minutes.  She started whining, she wanted this and that and no daddy couldn't get it.  I did half enjoy her trying to do the Jillian work out with me though.  Her being so proud of herself for doing something and wanting to be active with mommy is great.  Her running and jumping and wanting me to watch and comment while I'm trying to work out, not so great.

Dinner was one argument after another.  Some she started, some B started, they both go spoken to a few times.  After dinner we played on the floor with Sissy, this was great...

Until she wanted to hang all over my back and I asked her not to.  Then it was fine sit in you lap which would last 30 seconds before she needed to get up and do this, sit back down for 30 second get up and do that.  I was happy when it was time for baths!

Bed time wasn't so great, except Laney putting herself to sleep on my bed while I tried to take care of a few things.  Then it was a fight to get Lillian to put her pull up on.  She tried insisting on a diaper, threw a fit.  Kicking the legs and all while on the bed her sister was sleeping on.  If I had, had the strength I would have picked her right up and taken her to her room.  After finally getting her to lay down she wouldn't lay still or keep her mouth quiet.  Then she wanted me to lay with her.  I really didn't want to, she was driving me nuts, I needed 5 minutes to recoup from the last "fight".  But then I looked over to her and saw her sad, but accepting face.  I let her lay for a minute because she needs to know her behavior wasn't acceptable and you don't get the things you want when you misbehave, but then I went and laid with her and we talked about how she needs to work on her attitude.  I'm so glad I went and laid with her...

A New Sitter.... AKA a long rant

I have been becoming more and more frustrated with Laney’s sitter over the last few weeks.  She is a really nice lady, kids love her, she takes good care of them, but she just doesn’t seem listen to me.  I don’t think she blatantly ignores what I tell her, but I think she just doesn’t get it.

My biggest problem is with her feeding Laney.  She has been watching Laney for 14 weeks now and I have had to tell her to only feed on demand 4 times already.  Really I should have only had to tell her once.  But no, I’m having to tell her like every 3 weeks.

Friday she infuriated me when I learned that she purposely fed Laney at a certain time “so she’d be ready for me”.  Well really no, she wasn’t because she eats so much at your house that she doesn’t want to nurse for 4 hours or more after I pick her up!

After the first time she started constantly drinking 4 bottles at the sitter I looked at the book and realized most times she was finishing a bottle just before I got there at 4.  So I asked for her not to feed her after 3 unless it had been over 2 hours since her last feeding (this was when she was still eating every 2 hours).  The next day she woke Laney up from a nap just to make sure she had her 4^th bottle before 4!  Umm no, feeding on demand means you feed her when she’s hungry and my theory is to never wake a sleeping baby to eat unless they have a medical need for it. *And maybe a few other circumstances that may warrant it, but not just so she has the bottle*

After finding this out I told her, “just feed her on demand, when she’s hungry.  If I am going to be here to get her in the next 20 minutes or so, try holding her off so I can feed her.” *which I have to drive some where to do because she doesn’t think her son would be comfortable with me nursing her there, insert exasperated sigh and huge eye roll*

Anyway, this was working for a while, until last week.  Last Monday I told her that 1 of the 4 bottles I sent was 5oz instead of 4 because I just had some extra so not to worry if Laney didn’t finish it.  I also told her that the whole week I was exclusively nursing she was eating maybe every 3 hours, sometimes 4.  So the rest of the week when writing down what and when Laney ate, she wrote down 5oz for EVERY feeding!  This isn’t a huge deal, but irritates me because it means she wasn’t even looking at the bottles.  On Thursday she said “she really downed those bottles today.” So I told her “well maybe tomorrow I will send all 5oz bottles and maybe they will fill her up more.”  She said to me “You mean they haven’t been?  I thought you’ve been sending 5oz bottles.”  HELLO??? LISTEN!

So Friday after all week she’d been having 4 bottles a day I said “I’m not sure what you are using for hunger cues, but I always wait until she starts to whine at least and shake her head because he thumb doesn’t give her milk.”  Laney is a good self soother and sucks her thumb a lot, plus she’s teething so sucking and chewing are NOT signs of hunger.  That day she also called me at noon saying something was off with Laney and could I come check on her during lunch.  Of course I went and it was nothing more than her normal nightly discontent with whoever holds her sitting and what I think is a belly ache.  I got her to sleep and also called the Dr and made an apt for her cough (whooping cough is going around and her cough hadn’t gotten better in a week) anyway, I told the sitter I’d be back at 3 to get her.  She called me at 2 again and asked me if I wanted her to wake her up and feed her.  Um NO, if she isn’t hungry don’t feed her!  That day was the first day in a long time she slept over a half hour 45 minutes at the sitter.  And guess what, she only ate 1.5 bottles!

And last but not least, yesterday when I picked Laney up, she asked if I sent 5 bottles.  I said no why?   She said “I know I fed her 3 times today, but there is still 2 bottles left in the fridge.”  I knew then that she had only fed her twice because I knew that I had sent 4 bottles.  One was left from the day before and the other 3 were what I had pumped the day before.  I didn’t defrost milk and I never have more than needed any more.  When I got home and looked in her book tough, she had written down that she fed her 3 times.  This irritated the crap out of me.  What is she doing, filling out the book before she even feeds her?  Feeding her on a schedule which I specifically asked her not to do?  This morning I said to her “Did you find any empty bottles last night, if not you must have only fed her twice.”  She said “No, she must have slept through the 12:30 feeding.”  I said that very possible.  On Sunday she ate at 11 and then napped 1 to almost 4 and didn’t eat til after that.  I’m fine if she only eats twice as long as she’s only eating when she’s hungry.”

Today I’m sending out for information from a daycare center…

I hope this made sense, I don't have time to proof read at the moment

4 Months

I’m  only a couple weeks late writing about this…

Delaney turned 4 months on July 3^rd.  It was a pretty busy time for us between her aunt’s birthday, her great uncles coming to visit and her sister having hand foot mouth disease.  I will post on all that stuff later though.  This post is for my little girl…

Stats:

Weight: 15lb 3oz (87%)

Height: 26 inches (95%)

Her growth seems to be slowing some and it doesn't bother me one bit.  

She seems to be such a content little girl most of the time.  Happy to just sit there and watch as the world happens around her.  Only one week after she turned 3 months she started rolling over, but even now, a month later she only rolls over when she feels she has the need.

This month we got out the exersaucer.  I wasn't sure her back was ready for it, but honestly my arms were starting to get tired holding her in the standing position.

She loves it!  I'm happy to have something to put her in that doesn't put her to sleep like the swing does while I make dinner or we eat dinner.


We also tried cereal this month at the suggestion of her pediatrician because she is still spitting up and having some reflux pain.  

She didn't seem to mind the oatmeal and did quite well eating it, but her poor little belly just isn't ready for it yet.  For the two night she ate it, she had horrible, horrible gas pains and left both of us with little sleep.  We'll try again in another month or so and see what happens.


I love having my own little model for some of the stuff I've been crocheting, but when I can't find my camera it makes it hard to get some really good shots.  My phone doesn't do too bad capturing her cuteness though!

She also started laughing just a few days after turning 4 months, its just the cutest sound, of course I said the same thing about her sister's laugh too!  Her face was adorable when she realized the noise was coming from her.

She of course loves to blow bubbles and babble to herself all the time, but I don't have a good video of that yet!

One of my favorites

Hhmmmm

I'm not really sure what to blog about right now.  My life seems kind of boring with nothing too post worthy.  Either that or my brain is fried cause I'm tired, not really sure which.

Delaney has become very vocal and I love it.  She wakes up cooing and goes to bed cooing.  And she's pretty much always smiling.  She acts like she's playing peek-a-boo when she's in her car seat.  Once she gets a hold of her blanket she pulls it up over her face and when she puts it back down and sees you she gets all smiley.  Of course she isn't pulling it up and down on purpose, but the reaction is the same as if she was.

Lillian has been, well, Lillian.  When she isn't being mouthy, throwing a fit or begging for something I told her she can't have, she's a great, funny, happy little girl that I love to spend time with.  I love when I randomly find her singing to her little sister.  Or when she starts playing with her "friends" in the bath tub.  The other night they were all in the van going on a trip to town.  Have you ever seen Drop Dead Fred?

For some reason I picture this being Lillian in 25 years!  I'm sure she's perfectly normal since she doesn't blame things on her "friends" and all her "friends" have the same names as kids she knows for real, but she's always playing with them.  

Oh and because most of us forget to blog about it, B has been wonderful!  He's really started to help out more with his own chores and even does some of mine if he is home during the day (which he has been because he was laid off, again).  And one time when I thanked him he said "no need to thank me, I should do it anyway."  I about fainted!

Done?

This past weekend brought to me a startling realization.  Delaney may be my last baby.  This breaks my heart.  I’ve always wanted AT LEAST 2, most likely 3, but finances allowed, 4.  My mom was one of 6 six kids and I always loved her large family.  Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday just because of the family.  My sister and I have both always said that we wished we’d had more siblings like my mom did and I’ve always wanted that for my kids.

B and I have mentioned more/no more kids vaguely, but it’s never really been discussed.  This weekend when my friends’ husband asked him if we were having more B stated “No, we’re done.”  All I could think was “what if I’m not done?”  I do know that there will have to be a compromise and that the fact that he never wanted kids to begin with and now we have 2 is amazing in itself, but I don’t know if I’m ok with saying “we are done.”  Obviously this doesn’t mean it can’t be discussed, it was just a comment, but it was a blow to me.  Yesterday when I was packing up Laney’s clothes for my two cousins that are due this fall, I realized I may not have a reason to save them for myself, but giving them away seems so final to me.  Like I’m resigning to the fact that we won’t have any more and it left me with that very big empty pit feeling in my stomach.

Tumbling Feelings

Last night was Lillian's 5th night of gymnastics, which means that in the next 2 weeks I have to decide if she will be doing the next session or not.  Here's my issues...

• I wasn't able to get there on time last night and while on my way in I got a message from Brian saying that she was refusing to do anything the instructor asked.  When I got there she jumped up and ran to me to get a hug.  I calmly hugged her and told her "You need to participate and do what the teacher tells you."  She said "Ok, I will" and she did the rest of the time.  We certainly aren't going to pay for her not to participate.
• She seems a little behind to me on some of the physical things.  Part of me says she needs to stick with it, maybe she will learn faster, the other part says if she isn't doing it right should she be doing it?  There are between 3-6 kids in the class and the teacher can't watch them all do everything, therefore no one is actually telling her that she is doing it wrong or showing her the right way to do it.  I have a hard time watching when they aren't correcting what she is doing wrong.
• They don't have any kind of discipline really.  They tell the kids to come back if they wander off, but that's about it.  If they are goofing off all they say is "we aren't doing that right now" and that's it.  Many kids go out of turn or do things their own way.  I feel the teacher should say "you are going to do it the right way or you won't do it.  You can go sit on your star."  (at the beginning of class they all get stars to sit on for when they are given instructions).
• She has a hard time paying attention to what she is doing rather than the other kids.  I really think if she could do one on one sessions it would be a lot better, but we can't afford that.  

These pictures are from her first nice where she was by herself...

Hand Foot Mouth Disease

Lillian doesn't have it yet, but there is a good chance she will :(  Both of the boys at her sitter came down with the rash on their hands yesterday and by this morning they both had sores in their mouths.

Its times like these that show me the down falls of having a stay at home mom for a sitter.  While there are few disadvantages for me, this is a BIG one.  Normally at a day care the child would be sent home and not able to return until better.  Well, when the place is their home, that can't really happen.  From the reading I did quickly this morning, hfmd is a virus (like a cold) and some people carrying it may not even have symptoms while other have symptoms of rashes and fevers and can be contagious for weeks after the symptoms are gone!

I had to make a decision on the fly this morning about taking Lillian to the sitter or keeping her home.  After reading that the kids could be contagious for weeks I decided to take her.  May have been the wrong decision and she may get it, but I can't take a week, let alone weeks off from work.

Now the trouble will be keeping her away from baby sister.  There will be lots of hand washing going on in our house for the next month, that's for sure!

You Know You're in Mommy Mode When...

As mommy's we start to do some silly things without even realizing it.  This morning Lillian wanted to listen to her song on the way to the sitter.  I happily turned on her CD, it's only a 5 minute ride.  After dropping her off I headed to drop Laney off (a 20 minute drive).  Half way there I realized I was still listening to "If You're Happy and You Know It"

What silly little things do you do without even realizing it?

Also, if you are interested, I have started a healthy & fitness blog.  I know it's crazy of me, but I really want to document my journey to a healthier me.  I'm just going to share things that work for me, things that hurt and frustrate me, that sort of thing...

Let's Talk Work

Everything in life is work.  Work is work, relationships (of all kinds) are work, parenting is work.  Even the fun things like vacation take work, whether it's the work to plan of the work you do to pay for it.

Right now my actual job is what it is.  I'm trying not to stress over it and just be happy to have one and focus on getting things done.  Some days are harder than others.  Normally by Friday afternoon all I want to do is go home and hold Delaney and watch Lillian run around like the crazy 3 year old she is.

Right now what is taking the most work in my life is my marriage.  If you've read my last few posts you know that I've had a lot to complain about and really I probably made those sound a little better than what things were really like.  After Friday morning's issue with clean boxers I pretty much lost it on the way to work.  I had had enough.  I sent B a message and told him that if Lillian was going to be gone for the night on Saturday that we needed to both be home and get things off our chest.  Problem was, the longer I sat at work, the angrier I got, the more I cried and the more I felt like just giving up.  In my hear I knew that's not really what I wanted, but I wasn't sure I had the strength for anything else.  Around 2:30 B sent me a message asking if he could go race his buddy's car at the track.  This made me livid.  Basically his thought was that if he couldn't go do something Saturday night he better do it Friday, which meant leaving me with both the girls all night.  I didn't know what to do.  Part of me didn't want to let him go because it was just going to add fuel to my rage, but the other part didn't even want to see him so I didn't really care.  I finally just text him and said "If you want to go ahead.  I'm honestly really upset and I don't think I can keep it together with you in front of the girls."  Don't get me wrong I don't want my girls growing up thinking relationships are always sunshine and rainbows, but right now it scares Lillian if we yell and she always thinks it's her fault if I cry.  B had no idea I was upset and asked what was wrong.  And although I didn't want to do anything over text messaging I couldn't ignore him.  I just told him "I'm sick of avoiding an argument and putting myself last.  I'm doing the best I can but its not working and I can't do anymore than I already am."  Of course he apologized for his fit that morning and said he'd do his own laundry, but that isn't going to fix things, I told him it's more than that.  I told him "I want to have a plan of who is responsible for what, I want to have less to worry about and get done, I want to be able to leave the girls with you and not worry about you being too stressed out to handle it."

In the mean time he had found out he couldn't race the car and wanted to invite his friend and wife over for a cook out.  In my head all I could think was great, as if I don't have enough already going on.  I told him no, I'd been crying all day and the last thing I wanted was to entertain. He ended up calling me and I lost it.  At my desk, at work, in our new open office area.  Talk about embarrassed.  I went to the bathroom and told him we needed to talk, but I couldn't do it then.  He figured out that I didn't really want to see him and I explained I don't, if I do right now I might say things I'll regret and it's just going to be a fight.  I told him I was taking the girls to my mom's camp for the night.  When we hung up I could tell he was crying.

I grabbed the girls after work, we went home, I packed in about 10 minutes and we were off.  I was already feeling better just knowing I wasn't going to have to put on a face for the night.  We did pretty much nothing that night, walked to town, grabbed dinner, walked back and it was bed time for the girls.  B text me a few times told me he was worried, but to take all the time I needed.  I told him I would and that he needed to make a list of things that bother him and the things he does in a day.

I had a few glasses of wine with my mom and I was exhausted and went to bed too.  Saturday morning I woke up with so much running through my head so I made a list of all the things that bother me.  Lillian had a blast playing with her cousins all day and we finally headed home about 5pm.

Tomorrow I'll tell you how our "talk" went.

Finding Peace

That is my one and only goal right now.  I just feel so unsettled in everything!  So unsettled I don't even know what to right after that.  I'm getting to the point where I just don't know what is most important to me right now.  I can't even enjoy the time I spend with the girls because I'm constantly thinking about what I should be doing.

Some times I wish I could just put the kids in a sound proof room so that I could argue with B when he starts his crap.  This morning he came to me (surprisingly calm at first) saying that he thinks he's being forgotten when it comes to laundry because he had no clean boxers.  Maybe he's right, I don't do his laundry very often, but I have my reasons.  1 - Why should I when he doesn't even have the courtesy to put them away, half the time they just end up right back on the floor with his dirty clothes and I don't have the time to be re-washing clothes because he can't put them away. 2 - He can't be bothered to even put his dirty clothes in mine and the girls' pile of dirty clothes (which by the way in currently just on the floor because he has 3 laundry baskets taken up with CLEAN, FOLDED clothes.  I'm pretty sure his dresser is about empty). 3 - He can't seem to take his boxers and socks out of his work clothes and put them with the regular clothes (I refuse to wash his nasty work clothes with the rest of the clothes).  So after he calm comment he got more and more irritated until he was throwing a fit and throwing all his clean clothes on the floor looking for a pair of boxers.  And I must say it really pisses me off that he asks ME every morning if I know where some are.  If it wouldn't cause a fight (cause I'm having a hard time not exploding) I would answer "If you put your fucking clothes away you'd know where they are!"  Oh and his other comment was that he was going to start doing his own laundry, which meant he was gonna stop doing another chore, most likely the dishes.  Like he does them all the time!!!

I'm really irritated how he's been handling Lillian's attitude lately.  I know its rough and she has been horribly whiny and mouthy, but he just can't seem to grasp the concept of staying calm yourself helps he keep calmer and defuses the situation much quicker.  Everything is instantly "do you want a spanking?"  Which some times is the only thing that works, as much as I hate it.  And he has started to mumble things under his breath that if Lillian ever heard would scare her and break her heart.  I don't know what is going on with him, but its taking its toll on our family and if he can't let me help he's gonna have to go figure it out on his own.

Even now I sit here at my desk at work writing this instead of working just to try and get some things out so I can concentrate.  I'm having fights in my head with him and getting upset.  At this point I don't think him saying "I'm sorry, you're right, I'm going to change it," is going to change anything about how I'm feeling.

I feel like my life needs a makeover and you can't just do that...

A Big Day

Well I guess not really unless you live in the world of a 3 year old girl.  Today Lillian is going to start gymnastics.  She's very excited and so am I.   Ever since we were at the mall back around Christmas time and I couldn't get her to leave the window where you could see the older girls practicing gymnastics, I've wanted to get her into it.  It took me a while, but now for her birthday present from grandma, she is going to get started!  I'm excited because she will be interacting with other kids her age (besides the boys at the sitter) and getting some much needed extra exercise.

So far we are doing pretty good with our new eating habits.  It will take a while to know for sure how it's really going, but we are making progress.  She did ok yesterday with having to wait for the boys to get up before she could have her snack.  She doesn't sleep as long as the boys so she was asking for a snack when she got up, and then having another when they had their after nap snack.  She was also great this morning when I said "how about some grapes for you treat for sleeping in your bed?" She said "no I want candy"  I said "No, remember doctor said no candy, healthy choices."  She said "Ok, I want to put them in the bowl."  No argument from me!

I can't believe my baby is 2 months old today!  In all honesty I think she looks more like 3 or 4 months old!

As for my marriage, we are doing ok right now.  I hate that all most of us ever think to write about is the bad stuff.  While we still have a ways to go in working on things together we have made some small improvements over the last few days.  We both realized that we tend to try and "help" each other when Lillian won't listen, but all that really shows her is that she doesn't have to listen unless she wants to.  It has also helped a little in the discipline area.  While we still have a different idea on what a fair punishment is, letting the other handle the whole situation is more consistent than changing the punishment during the time she is being punished, or me having to hand down a punishment that I think is too harsh for the action.

Time for Change

I need to make some changes.  Things feel so unsettled in my life right now that I'm not sure where to begin.

I know for one thing, Lillian and I both need to start eating healthier.  I've been feeling this way since Delaney was only a few weeks old.  Its a good thing I started running again when I did because I'm pretty sure I would have gained some weight back.  I'm holding steady around 214 right now and that just isn't acceptable.  Especially since I'm running a minimum of 6 miles a week.  I mean, its not much, but it is exercise!

Lillian and Delaney had their well child visits yesterday...

Delaney: 2 Months
Height: 24.5" (above 95%)
Weight: 13lb 6oz (above 95%)

As if they don't grow fast enough!  My friend had her baby girl 6 days before me (she was due the day before me) and she is only 21.5" and 9lbs something.  That's barely what Delaney was when she was born!  I won't lie, I'm jealous of her small baby.

Lillian: 3 Years
Height: 36.5"
Weight: 35.5"

This has her doctor a little worried.  Her BMI is increasing every visit and that isn't good.  When I looked it up on the Mayo.Clinic site yesterday I found that if you put her in as 3 feet she's considered obese and if you put her in as 3'1" she is over weight.  So basically for a 3 year old girl she is on the verge of being obese.  This broke my heart.

So besides getting our eating habits changed, I need to figure out a way to communicate better with my husband.  We have definitely been having a break down late and while we are calmly mentioning things here and there and some what resolving them, we really need to sit down and have a serious talk about things without be interrupted by a 3 year old.  Especially since I think this talk will help relieve some of my stress.  Especially when some of that stress is caused by the condition of my house.  IT IS A MESS!!!  Clothes (at least most of them are clean piles) all over, toys all over, just random stuff all over.  And I can't even tell you how bad the sheets on my bed need to be changed, but I haven't had the time.  It never even crosses my mind until it's time to go to bed!

And speaking of not enough time, I better get some work done.  I've had this window open for 2 hours now trying to get this posted!

The new bath routine includes both of them in the tub!

She's smiling a lot these days!