Getting the Best of Me

My stress and emotions are getting the best of me and I can feel it quickly spiraling out of control.  

Little Miss still isn’t feeling well.  The last time I posted about her poop, was the last time she had a real one.  That was 6 days ago now!  Over the last 2 days she had pushed out 3 little marble sized pieces and that’s it.

I took her back to the doctor yesterday (even though her well child is next week) and the pedi made me feel like I was an over-reacting mom.  

Her suggestions:

Since apple juice isn’t working, give her prune

Giver her more water (I already started over the weekend)

Instead of plums giver her green beans

Give her 1mL of Erythro instead of .8mL

It is my feeling that since I have been in there at least once a month for the last 3 months because of her belly issues, you should be doing more than just suggesting I change her diet.  I’m actually starting to wonder if it’s the Erythro that made her constipated in the first place.  I know that a side effect is loose bowels, but just like apple juice binds some people up, maybe this med does too.

Also on the suggestion of some friends and lots of searching on the internet, I bought some Mirilax last night.  I haven’t given it to her, but if something doesn’t happen by tomorrow night you can bet your ass I will be.

Thankfully she slept peacefully last night, although I think it’s just because she is so exhausted for not getting any sleep.

On a positive note, both the girls had some firsts this weekend.

Little miss Laney sat in the grass for the first time this weekend, she didn’t mind it at all.

She also used a sippy cup for the first time!

And Lilli was in her first fishing derby, she didn't catch anything though :-(

 And Lillian got to ride her bike all weekend!  He she is taking a break while letting her Great Aunt’s dog out…

Friday Night Left Overs

It's Friday and this one sucks, only because it's the first one I've worked in 4 weeks!  What's gonna suck even  more is not having a 3 day weekend.

• I miss my grandparents so much already and they haven't even been back home a week.  I miss breakfast and playing dominoes and just BSing about nothing at all.
• For the last 3 weeks Lillian has spent at least one night at T's.  This week was the first time I really missed her.  Like to the point I wanted to stop over before heading to work just to give her a hug.  *I'm pretty sure T was glad I didn't come wake them up at 6:30 am*
• Delaney's stomach is going to drive me insane!  She is miserable for a few days, finally poops, has gas that makes her miserable for another day and then has a great day.  Then we get gassy again and repeat.
• I'm getting irritated with our sleeping arrangements.  B is sleeping in Lillian's room with her because she pretty much refuses to be in there alone.  Delaney sleeps with me because she is still waking at night to eat.  I've tried putting her to sleep in her room, but all she does is look around at things.  Maybe I need to take her in there more during the day.  Or maybe it's the gas, I don't know.  I just know that I want my bed back with my husband in it.
• I think breaking Lillian of the sleeping habits is going to be harder than Delaney.
• I had the assessment done on the car.  Now lets hope I can get the hood fixed for under $1200!

And lastly, here's my little model showing off a huge pair of underwear held up with clothes pins because she was too busy riding her bike to go in to the bathroom.  Well, she regretted it because she didn't get to ride any more.

Hope everyone has a great weekend.  We are headed to my mom's camp, I hope I can relax some!

Let's Talk Work

Everything in life is work.  Work is work, relationships (of all kinds) are work, parenting is work.  Even the fun things like vacation take work, whether it's the work to plan of the work you do to pay for it.

Right now my actual job is what it is.  I'm trying not to stress over it and just be happy to have one and focus on getting things done.  Some days are harder than others.  Normally by Friday afternoon all I want to do is go home and hold Delaney and watch Lillian run around like the crazy 3 year old she is.

Right now what is taking the most work in my life is my marriage.  If you've read my last few posts you know that I've had a lot to complain about and really I probably made those sound a little better than what things were really like.  After Friday morning's issue with clean boxers I pretty much lost it on the way to work.  I had had enough.  I sent B a message and told him that if Lillian was going to be gone for the night on Saturday that we needed to both be home and get things off our chest.  Problem was, the longer I sat at work, the angrier I got, the more I cried and the more I felt like just giving up.  In my hear I knew that's not really what I wanted, but I wasn't sure I had the strength for anything else.  Around 2:30 B sent me a message asking if he could go race his buddy's car at the track.  This made me livid.  Basically his thought was that if he couldn't go do something Saturday night he better do it Friday, which meant leaving me with both the girls all night.  I didn't know what to do.  Part of me didn't want to let him go because it was just going to add fuel to my rage, but the other part didn't even want to see him so I didn't really care.  I finally just text him and said "If you want to go ahead.  I'm honestly really upset and I don't think I can keep it together with you in front of the girls."  Don't get me wrong I don't want my girls growing up thinking relationships are always sunshine and rainbows, but right now it scares Lillian if we yell and she always thinks it's her fault if I cry.  B had no idea I was upset and asked what was wrong.  And although I didn't want to do anything over text messaging I couldn't ignore him.  I just told him "I'm sick of avoiding an argument and putting myself last.  I'm doing the best I can but its not working and I can't do anymore than I already am."  Of course he apologized for his fit that morning and said he'd do his own laundry, but that isn't going to fix things, I told him it's more than that.  I told him "I want to have a plan of who is responsible for what, I want to have less to worry about and get done, I want to be able to leave the girls with you and not worry about you being too stressed out to handle it."

In the mean time he had found out he couldn't race the car and wanted to invite his friend and wife over for a cook out.  In my head all I could think was great, as if I don't have enough already going on.  I told him no, I'd been crying all day and the last thing I wanted was to entertain. He ended up calling me and I lost it.  At my desk, at work, in our new open office area.  Talk about embarrassed.  I went to the bathroom and told him we needed to talk, but I couldn't do it then.  He figured out that I didn't really want to see him and I explained I don't, if I do right now I might say things I'll regret and it's just going to be a fight.  I told him I was taking the girls to my mom's camp for the night.  When we hung up I could tell he was crying.

I grabbed the girls after work, we went home, I packed in about 10 minutes and we were off.  I was already feeling better just knowing I wasn't going to have to put on a face for the night.  We did pretty much nothing that night, walked to town, grabbed dinner, walked back and it was bed time for the girls.  B text me a few times told me he was worried, but to take all the time I needed.  I told him I would and that he needed to make a list of things that bother him and the things he does in a day.

I had a few glasses of wine with my mom and I was exhausted and went to bed too.  Saturday morning I woke up with so much running through my head so I made a list of all the things that bother me.  Lillian had a blast playing with her cousins all day and we finally headed home about 5pm.

Tomorrow I'll tell you how our "talk" went.

Finding Peace

That is my one and only goal right now.  I just feel so unsettled in everything!  So unsettled I don't even know what to right after that.  I'm getting to the point where I just don't know what is most important to me right now.  I can't even enjoy the time I spend with the girls because I'm constantly thinking about what I should be doing.

Some times I wish I could just put the kids in a sound proof room so that I could argue with B when he starts his crap.  This morning he came to me (surprisingly calm at first) saying that he thinks he's being forgotten when it comes to laundry because he had no clean boxers.  Maybe he's right, I don't do his laundry very often, but I have my reasons.  1 - Why should I when he doesn't even have the courtesy to put them away, half the time they just end up right back on the floor with his dirty clothes and I don't have the time to be re-washing clothes because he can't put them away. 2 - He can't be bothered to even put his dirty clothes in mine and the girls' pile of dirty clothes (which by the way in currently just on the floor because he has 3 laundry baskets taken up with CLEAN, FOLDED clothes.  I'm pretty sure his dresser is about empty). 3 - He can't seem to take his boxers and socks out of his work clothes and put them with the regular clothes (I refuse to wash his nasty work clothes with the rest of the clothes).  So after he calm comment he got more and more irritated until he was throwing a fit and throwing all his clean clothes on the floor looking for a pair of boxers.  And I must say it really pisses me off that he asks ME every morning if I know where some are.  If it wouldn't cause a fight (cause I'm having a hard time not exploding) I would answer "If you put your fucking clothes away you'd know where they are!"  Oh and his other comment was that he was going to start doing his own laundry, which meant he was gonna stop doing another chore, most likely the dishes.  Like he does them all the time!!!

I'm really irritated how he's been handling Lillian's attitude lately.  I know its rough and she has been horribly whiny and mouthy, but he just can't seem to grasp the concept of staying calm yourself helps he keep calmer and defuses the situation much quicker.  Everything is instantly "do you want a spanking?"  Which some times is the only thing that works, as much as I hate it.  And he has started to mumble things under his breath that if Lillian ever heard would scare her and break her heart.  I don't know what is going on with him, but its taking its toll on our family and if he can't let me help he's gonna have to go figure it out on his own.

Even now I sit here at my desk at work writing this instead of working just to try and get some things out so I can concentrate.  I'm having fights in my head with him and getting upset.  At this point I don't think him saying "I'm sorry, you're right, I'm going to change it," is going to change anything about how I'm feeling.

I feel like my life needs a makeover and you can't just do that...

How Things Should Be

How I think things should be in my home and how they are right now are totally opposite and it's really starting to wear on me.  This is part of the reason for yesterdays post.  If things were the way I think they should be, we would have time to discuss things while Lillian isn't around.
** Edit** I wrote this yesterday based on how the morning went and the night before.  Now last night B was extremely helpful, we worked together to get dishes and dinner done and he helped with bath time.  This morning he got up when I woke him, made our coffee, got Lillian ready, took stuff to the car, and helped get the girls to the car**

How Things Should Be - Mornings:
Brandi - run/workout, shower, get Delaney's and my work stuff together, dress myself and Delaney, feed/pump,
Brian - let the dogs out, make coffee, dress, get Lillian up and ready, help me take kids to the car.

How Things Are - Mornings:
Brandi - Run/work out, wake Brian, make coffee for myself (for while I get ready), shower, feed/pump (I do this at the same time), dress myself and Delaney, get my stuff and Delaney's ready to go, let the dogs out, make 2nd pot of coffee for go mugs and his thermos, wake Lillian, get her ready, take both kids to the car
Brian - watch the news, get dressed, make coffee go mugs and thermos, take bags to the car, start vehicles.

How Things Should Be - Work Hours:
Brandi - Do work for my work, maybe pay some bills
Brian - Do work for work, if he gets done early do any shopping or chores that need to be done.  Maybe start dinner, or at least have a suggestion if we need something.

How Things Are - Work Hours:
Brandi - Do work for work, pay some bills, grocery shopping/errands during some lunch hours, make any phone calls needed.
Brian - Works, if he gets done early he goes home, some times mows lawn, some times does dishes, mostly watches TV, naps, or goes somewhere with friends

How Things Should Be - Evenings:
Brandi - Pick up Delaney, Pick up Lillian, take care of pumped milk, get next days bottles ready, feed Delaney twice between 5 and 8, eat dinner, clear table, do a load of wash (just switch and fold what's in dryer), Put Delaney to bed.
Brian - Make dinner, do dishes, give Lillian a bath, put Lillian to bed (in her bed).

How Things Are - Evenings:
Brandi - Pick up the girls (takes an hour), take care of pumped milk, get bottles ready, feed Delaney twice, eat dinner clear table, watch Lillian in bath from my bedroom where I'm feeding Delaney, lay with girls while they go to sleep. Some times I have to make dinner too.
Brian - Some times he cooks, some times he cleans up the table, watches TV, has a snack, gets Lillian out of tub and put pull up on, watches more TV, goes to bed.  He will come discipline Lillian if I am unable to when she's laying down for bed.

Other Stuff:
Lillian should be sleeping in her bed and him in our bed, but she sleeps with me and he sleeps in her room.

I should not get blamed for him not having coffee to take to work because he laid in bed a half hour after I woke up him up.

He should not be upset because he's going to be leaving late, he leaves 45 minutes before he has to be to work and it only takes 10 minutes to get there!  I leave 45 minutes before I have to be there and my drive time is almost 40 minutes, plus taking the girls into their different sitters.

I should talk to him more about what he can do rather than just doing it myself to avoid an argument.

I need to remember that my run/work out in the morning is my "me time" even if it is only a half hour and not always what I want to do.

Now I need to start working on ways to change the things that are wrong.

"Discussions"

Better known as arguments.  I think it's about time B and I have one because we've been increasingly short with one another and it normally happens because something irritates us, but we don't get a chance to talk about it, so then we get short and that irritates the other, then they get short and it just keeps building until we pretty much don't even remember what the first thing was.

Our problem is that Lillian thinks she needs to be part of every conversation.  Even if she's off playing by herself she's listening, and most times what we need to talk about involves her.  We follow the "don't argue or discuss punishment in front of the kids" policy, as much as possible.

There is just so much I need to talk about with him and I'm pretty sure I'm gonna cry (I'm still very emotional) and that bothers Lillian.  Last time it happened she yelled at him and that's not good.

So when and how do you solve problems with you significant other???

Fears

My fears this time around have generally been much different from my fears the first time around, and my fears about labor and delivery are no different.

Last time it was pretty much a fear of the unknown.  I wanted a natural labor in the worst way, but wasn't sure I would be able to do it.  I feared I was going to need a c-section, which would force me to have a spinal, which I have a huge fear of.  The thought of the possibility of not "feeling" my legs scares the shit out of me!

This time though, my fears have nothing to do with the actual pain and labor, it has to do with timing.  Granted there is nothing I can control about the timing, but maybe this is why it scares me so much.  I'm scared that I will be alone with Lillian when I go into labor, that my husband won't be able to get to me.  I'll have to drive Lillian some where while in labor and that I will then be alone.

Right now it is still bowling season and my husband is gone every Tuesday night from about 5 to 10 pm give or take a half hour or so.  Normally I go to my mother's while he is gone and this is great, but due to circumstances she can't control, she hasn't been able to be home.  On top of that my back up person has been attending high school basketball playoff games, which wouldn't be so bad if you could actually hear a phone in the gym.

I'm hating that I live a minimum of 15 minutes from the hospital and no one lives between me and the hospital.  Should I need a ride to the hospital while B isn't home I'd have to wait at least 15 minutes for some one to get there and then it's another 15 minutes to the hospital

I really liked how my labor progressed with Lillian and I pray for the same thing again.  My water broke, I went to the hospital and labored there.  I feel safe with that happening, I know that I will have time to take Lillian some where and get to the hospital, or at least take her there with me and have her picked up.  But this whole "call me when the contractions are 5 minutes apart and you can't walk or talk through them" crap is not cool.  Obviously I should do something with Lillian before my contractions get to that point, but at what point do we know that they are going to get there.  The other night I had pretty decent contractions 10 minutes apart for 2 hours and it went no where.  I can't expect everyone to put their life on hold because I might go into labor.

37 Weeks

Yes I've made it to 37 weeks, full term! While I am very happy about this, I am not happy about the thought of there still possibly being 3 weeks left, or maybe even 4! I can't imagine how painful things will be then! Don't get me wrong, I want my baby girl to stay in there until she is nice and healthy to come out, but I also want to have my sanity too. 

Right now I'm functioning on a day by day basis and while this may cause a disappointment every day it causes less anxiety than the thought of how I may feel in 3 weeks should I not have a little girl to hold.

At my appointment today my MW informed me that she won't check me, let alone sweep my membranes until I'm 39 weeks.  I'm really frustrated by this, I'd really like to know if the 2 hours work of contractions I had 5 minutes apart yesterday did anything.  Of course, even if it did do something you can be dilated 3cm for weeks, so I guess it doesn't really matter.

Here's this week's lovely picture...

What do you think of the new design?  It's not really what I wanted, but for the time being it will have to do until I have time to change it to the one I want when I'm home. 

BEER???

Either when I was pregnant with Lillian I didn’t have as many stressful days, or I was completely miserable and have chosen to block it out of my memory.

After a long frustrating day at work typically I would go home and have a beer or a glass of wine, or wait for days (that felt like weeks) for Thursday night bowling to roll around, to relax and take the edge off of feeling like I’m losing my sanity. While I still have the stress relief of imagining I’m rolling a rather heavy ball at whatever my current frustration is on Thursday nights, it just isn’t cutting it!

I need a new method of relaxation that isn’t going to take time from Lillian or cause me to be up until midnight, or make me gain 100lbs.

I know picky right?

There has to be something out there that will help relieve some stress, release some endorphins or something!

So, what is your new “drink” of choice???

14 Weeks

I feel like a bad blogger.  It's been a whole week since I posted last and I swore to myself I wouldn't let that happen.  Oh well, guess I was wrong.  I just haven't been feeling all that sociable.  I know it's the internet and it's not like I'm actually interacting with people, but it still take a level of social skills that I just haven't had the last week or so.  I've even had to refrain from sending out a few work emails because I just knew that I would probably get in trouble for them.

I'm hoping I start feeling a little bit more like myself this week.  Well maybe not, my normal self isn't all that sociable either. 

My MIL and I generally get along and never have any issues.  This weekend and a few times previously since telling her I'm pregnant she has seriously pissed me off.  Most women and even men know that you don't talk about weight or weight gain with a pregnant woman.  It's just not something that is any one's business and it's a touchy subject without the pregnancy hormones to begin with.

So we were talking about how I'm feeling and such and I told her much better now that I'm taking the prilo.sec and the indigestion isn't so bad.  I think it was causing a lot of my nausea.  I also said that I can also eat a little more normally now, not quite so often and more of a variety of things.  And I said I'm trying to make sure I eat as healthy as possible without feeling sick.  She said "well that's good cause we aren't going to gain all that weight again this time are we."  Like my weight gain with Lillian affected her in some way.  Honestly, if I have to gain 55lbs again to feel half way decent for the next 6 months, then I will and I don't really think it's any of her business.  Obviously I don't want to gain that kind of weight, it's a pain in the ass to get off and I'll like crap emotionally, but if that's what it takes to not be miserable and feel sick every day, then so be it.  I don't need her telling me I can't gain that much weight.  A lot has changed in the 35 years since she was pregnant last and they told her she COULD NOT gain more than 15lbs.

With that being said...
Stats:
Weight: +10lbs
Next appt: Oct 19

I'm not all that happy about my weight because I really don't want to gain a bunch of weight this time, but being 1/3 of the way there if I keep gaining at this rate, I'll only gain 30lbs and that's 20 less than last time!  Plus I'm only working out half assed.  I still can't get my energy to cooperate.  In my mind I'm very motivated, but when my alarm goes off at 4am getting my ass out of bed to actually go do something just doesn't seem possible.  And at night I tend to fall asleep while putting Lillian to bed so it's kind of hard to work it in there anywhere with dinner, bath and bed in the whole 3-3.5 hrs I actually get to see her at night.  I wish there was a mall or something near my work where I could just go walk during my lunch.  I suppose I could use my work's walking trail, but it's outside and I'm not a big fan of walking in 80-90* temperatures and returning to work after sweating for 3 hours before I can shower again.  I don't like walking in the rain or snow either, which will be coming soon :(

In exciting news, despite what the link below for this week will tell you, I've been feeling the baby move every once in a while.  It's weird though cause I don't really remember what the beginning movements felt like with Lillian, I thought they felt fluttery, but this time, it's more like pressure of the baby "sitting" on the side of my uterus or something and it slowly moves along and then it's gone.  It does seem in line with what I've read about second pregnancies though and feeling baby a few weeks sooner.  I ready back in my blog and noticed I started feeling Lillian about 16 weeks so around 14 weeks would be right on.

This week I have a little lemon . . .

And my stomach kind of feels like I've been eating a lot of lemons, but hey, that's better than feeling like I've been drinking vinegar by the gallon right?

If you're interested in what's going on with the baby this week head on over to Baby.Center



Testing... Testing...1 2 3

Lots of testing going on right now!  Lillian is in another stage where she wants to test my limits and it's driving me crazy!  I can't tell you how many times this weekend I had to "Spank her mouth" for talking back to me.  Her favorite phrase is "No mom, don't tell me!" Of course she does this while pointing her finger at me. That automatically gets a light smack to the mouth.  Right or wrong, I don't know, but it's the only thing that seems to get her attention that it's bad.   Also if I say "You better ... by the time I count to 3 or ...  1..." she says "2, 3."  And I just want to scream!  So I've started letting that be her count and once she says 3 I just give whatever the punishment is. 

 

Here's a question for you.  If your child does what you told them to do just after you say 3, do you hand down the punishment, or because they did what you said do you let it go?

 

I remember being pregnant thinking "I dont' want to spank my child, it will be a last resort."  In a way it still is a last resort, I try time out, but it doesn't always register.  I guess it's just that I didn't think spanking would be so frequent.  And all parents (well decent ones anyway) say "I won't ever hit spank my child in anger."  But let's face it, if your child is doing something that requires spanking, you are already angry.

 

In happy testing news, as you can see I'm testing out some new stuff on my blog!  I've joined TopMommyBlogs.com .  Stop by and check out all the awesome blogs they have.  Please, click on one of the banners to vote for me and let them know you like me!

 

In case you didn't notice I moved my page links to under my header and I've added a new one, Lillian's Life in Pictures!  Check it out for total cuteness without the attitude!  I will also be updating Our Journey here in the new future and may be doing some revamping on my side bar.  Let me know what you think!

 



Exhaustions and Confusion

Exhausted seems to be a permanent state for me right now. No matter what time I go to bed or get up I seem to be exhausted all the time. It's weird though. I get up at 4 am during the week so that I can get my at least 2 mile run in every day. I'm find during my run and while I'm getting myself and Lillian ready for the day. And typically I'm fine for the 5 minute drive to the sitters. But, by the time I leave the sitters and get heading to work, I'm exhausted, like to the point I can barely hold my eyes open. By the time I get close to work (it's a 20 minute drive) I'm fight myself to not let my eyes close.

Currently I'm sitting at my desk typing with my eyes so heavy they are falling shut, even while I type this. And caffeine has no effect! I seem to be ok if I'm up and active, but the minute I sit down for 5 minutes I just want to pass out. Considering I have a desk just and spend much of my day staring at a computer screen, that's non a good thing!

As for frustration, that's with my temperature. I'm starting to wish I hadn't started temping again. Its all over this week and I don't know why. My best guess is that it's because we've been sleeping with the window open since our AC unit broke last week so we don't have much in the way of temperature control. I really hope this is the case because if not, this will be the first month ever that I haven't Ovulated.

Ok, enough complaining for now...

Hydrosalpinx

That's the technical term for what I was diagnosed with a week ago and I still don't really know how I feel about it.

Some times I feel hopeful and other times I'm quite depressed. At one point I had a list going on my computer with a list of all the emotions I was feeling and why, but then the breaker blew here at work and that list is gone.

I think my 3 most prominent feels are Depression/Sadness, Denial, and hopeful.

Yeah weird combination right? I'm very sad and depressed to be in this situation. I just can't stop thinking about how all I've ever wanted was to be a mom and the thought that it would be a problem never crossed my mind. Which puts me in denial that I will only have one baby girl. I refuse to believe that I will never have another baby. So, I am hopeful that since the contrast dye from the HSG was able to be pushed through my tubes that the fluid will also be able to escape and my ultrasound next month will show little to no fluid. Or maybe I'll even win the lottery and my ultrasound next month will be to make sure I don't have a tubal pregnancy rather than to check for fluid.

What frustrates me the most is that I can't seem to find much information about treatment online. I have found lots of definitions and causes, but not much about treatment. I was assuming that when my OB said in extreme cases the tubes are removed and then IVF is used, but I didn't realize that besides that there isn't much that can be done. I have found a few sites that reference a massage type treatment where they manipulate your tubes to free blockages, but I don't know if it works for fluid. I've also seen a few mentions of larposcopy to clear the tubes of blockages, but again I'm not sure that applies to fluid. I feel like my ultrasound on July 11th is forever away. I just keep picturing fluid flowing out of my tubes and praying that it clears up.

I have also been dealing with lots of pregnancy news lately. While I am over the moon for my brother who's second little girl will be arriving on the 22nd, and for my friend who has been TTC for about as long as I have, who just got her BFP this week, I'm admittedly completely jealous of both of them.

3rd Time's a Charm

Right???

Well it has to be. B told me this morning that if they didn't accept the sample this time, yes they rejected it a second time because I dropped it off too late, that we could forget about having it done.

I don't blame him really. Even I'm getting pissed off and I'm not the one providing the sample. But this morning the guy behind the desk (a different one from both other times) didn't understand why I insisted on staying there until he found the paperwork. I told him "This is my 3rd time trying to drop off this sample, I want to make sure you have all the paperwork and this gets tested." So he finds the lab slip and looks at me and says "I can understand why he's upset about this." Then he looks at the sample that was now a half hour old (you are supposed to have it there within a half hour, which I did, but all the waiting made it longer) and then he says "I will get this right back that and make sure it's tested." That was almost 2 hours ago now and I haven't gotten a phone call so I think we finally got the SA done.

OK, I'm sure you're sick of hearing about B'd woes. On to another topic that I never thought would make me so happy, pee and poop! Lillian did both in her potty yesterday! I was so proud of her. No accidents and she used the potty 3 times! I never thought I would be this excited about it! After she pooped she walked around saying "I pooped in the pot-ee" you know like the conga song, over and over. I love her pride!

How Could I Forget???

If you actually read yesterday's blog and came back, thank you. I apologize for the rant, I normally try to leave those things out because, well, we all have days like that, it's nothing new.

So on to other rants... I was worried last week that I wasn't going to be able to get B to provide a sample for his Semen Analysis (SA). Well Friday morning he did it. I was so proud of him, I honestly can't imagine how hard that is to do without being in the mood and possibly thinking about why you are doing it. But then again I'm a woman.

Anyway, It takes me a half hour to get to work, thankfully the hospital (where the lab is) is just off my route. The sample has to be dropped off within an hour of collection for testing. I made it there with 20 minutes to spare. I go in to register and the lady asks for his insurance card and my heart sank, he carries his insurance card. Well luckily we just got new ones and I actually had his. So I go into the lab and give the tech the sample and he asked if B had been fasting. Again, my heart sank, umm no. Then he says or is this for fertility. Way to give me a heart attach buddy, yes it's for fertility. So I tell him when the sample was collected and how long he had abstained. The tech says "OK, you're all set I get this right back there." I was so happy it was over with I sent B a text saying we were good to go.

Now my work is about 5 minutes away, 10 if traffic is bad. I no more than get to my desk and sit down and my phone is ringing. It's the lab. The tech was calling to tell me the sample was rejected. What?! Why would a SA sample be rejected unless it was too old. Which it definitely wasn't. Why, because I didn't put a label on it and the tech didn't look for one! Then the following conversation
Me: well can't you just label it, I just gave you all the information!
Tech: No we aren't allowed to do that.
Me: Well can I come back and label it?
Tech: It won't do any good cause the sample will be too old to test.
Me: So now what?
Tech: I will set aside another sample cup for you and you can submit another sample. I'm so sorry, I should have checked. I called you because I didn't want to ruin his day.

Really?! You didn't want to ruin his day, how about me, now I'm going to have to hear it because YOU screwed up! I was livid, I'm still livid. I was certain that the tech would put a label on it with the information I gave and what testing needed to be done, just like they do with all the other lab work I've had done.

I can't believe I forgot to tell you all about that.

And tomorrow is my HSG. I don't know how I'm feeling about it, but I'm sure glad to know so many women who've had one. I think this is one of those things that you can't completely prepare for because all of the women I've talked to have had different experience. Ranging from "it's no big deal, just a little pressure" to "OMG from the moment it start to the end I was in toe curling pain." Obviously I'm hoping for "it's no big deal," but just in case I have my sister going with me and I've warned my boss I may not be in tomorrow.

It will all be worth it if we can get some answers!

Work or Play?

How do you spend your weekends? Me, I try to keep a combination of work and play. Let's face it, during the week there isn't much time for work or play, at least not at my house. Especially with the schedule I try to keep us all on.

My Schedule:
4:00 am: Get up do the bathroom thing, work out, shower, make coffee, let the dogs out, get dressed, pack Lillian's bag, make my lunch, pack my bags, get Lillian up and get out the door.

6:15 - 6:45: Drop Lillian off at the sitter's and head to work.

7:00-4:00: Work, sneak in other stuff (crochet, edit photos, meal plan, grocery list, etc.)

4:00-5:00: Leave work. Most of the time I have to go stop at a store, get Lillian, go home.

5:00-5:30: Spend some time playing with Lillian

5:30-6:30: Make dinner while trying to keep Lillian occupied, or from creating a complete mess.

6:30-7:00: Dinner. And Praying Lillian doesn't finish before me so I can actually eat the whole meal.

7:00-8:00: Lillian's bed time routine. Bath, teeth, hair, story, rock, bed

8:00: Finish any laundry I may have managed to get in the washer or dryer. Try to prepare my lunch for the next day.

9:00: Sleep!

B's Schedule
6:00: Get out of bed and start getting ready. He normally wakes up well before 6 and lays in bed watching the news, spo.rts cen.ter and music videos.

7:00: Leave for work

Now he is a roofer so his work day can end at any time really. May end by 7:15, may not get home til 6.

Either way he typically comes home watches TV, gets on the computer, on short days he'll take a nap or go hunting or fishing or whatever activity it is that's in season.

One night a week he'll mow the lawn which takes most of the evening.

After dinner he will sit there and watch TV until I am ready to go to bed. He normally will pick up mine and Lillian's dinner plates, but several times this last week Lillian's dish is still sitting at her table when I come out after putting her to bed.

The reason I went into all of this is because I am still extremely irritated about how he acted this weekend. Friday night he was great. He dropped me off to go out with my sister while he went to his mom's with Lillian because he was getting up early to hunt. After his hunt he came back to his mom's where I was and we both took a nap, on our way home we stopped at the store. He went out and grabbed us a late dinner that evening and Lillian was in bed when he got back with it. Sunday morning he again got up at 3am to go hunting with his buddies. I had asked him Saturday if he would be home with us in the afternoon. Well around 10 he comes in and gets his bow to go bow fishing. He said he was sure he'd be back early after noon. I spent the morning with Lilian doing and laundry and cleaning. My king size bed was covered in clothes! My dresser was cleaned off and the living room was dusted and vacuumed. This took me 6 hours! He came home a little after noon, ate and went and took a nap. 2 hours later he got up, came out to the couch and complained how tired he was. Grabbed his pillow and blanket and napped some more on the couch. He was finally up and some what sociable when I got back from picking up dinner at 6:30. We ate dinner in the living room and Lillian made a mess on the coffee table with her rice and brown sauce. We did our normal night routine and when I came out from putting her to bed I see that B picked up our bowls, but didn't clean up any of the mess that Lillian had made. So I went got a washcloth and cleaned the table again. Then I finished folding laundry and headed to bed. While I was getting ready he came in and actually started putting his clothes away! I was shocked, I was for sure he was going to through them in a basket and they would sit there all week.

As he's getting in bed he told me the house looked great, I was so glad he noticed, then he proceeded to say "I guess I get the kitchen then don't I? Why do I always get the kitchen?" Now mind you pretty much since we've been living together (just about 7 years now) he's been in charge of doing the dishes. Mainly now because he'd rather do that than bath time. Well he hasn't done the dishes in about a week. It's gross, but I refuse to do them!

And the worst part is if I want to have some one over he will say something like "The kitchen is disgusting, I don't want some one in our house with it looking like that." And I just want to scream at him that he should keep on top of it then. And I try to be really good about things, when he has the kitchen all clean and I'm cooking dinner, I try to clean the dishes I use as I go, I make sure to clean up any little dishes that aren't part of our meal as they get used. But once he starts leaving dinner dishes in the sink I stop because he would expect me to wash those too if I was washing the ones I just used and I'm not letting that happen. He has very few chores in the house and I'm not taking any of them over!

Sorry for today's rant. I'm just feeling very frustrated that I try very hard to balance my work and play and some times I feel like all B does is play and bitch about having to do any work!

Guilty or Not Guilty?

Me, I'm some where in between and it changes based on how I'm feeling every day. I'm talking about the guilty feelings of TTC.



TTC with a child and TTC without a child are completely different in some emotional aspects. Yesterday I was talking with my TTC friends and we were discussing what our TTC plans are and what lengths we are willing to go to to get our 2nd pregnancy. It made me realize that depending on what lengths you went to the first time makes you feel different about the second time. For the girl that knows she will have to do IVF to get pregnant, she is completely content with her family of 3 and does not want to have to do another fresh IVF cycle. The girl that has suffered many miscarriages is also very happy with her twin girls. She plans to try for only 6 months with no medical procedures. If it doesn't happen, she too is extremely happy. Then there is me. I've had one miscarriage, and was about to begin fertility testing when I got pregnant with my precious little girl. At this point I'm not sure how far I am willing to go to get pregnant again. What I do know is that I can't wrap my head around the thought of us being a family of 3 forever.



This is where guilty or not guilty comes in. Lillian is the light of my life and I love her more than anything in the world. I feel guilty for not being happy with just her, for refusing to believe that she will be my only child. I appreciate the fact that I didn't need any medical intervention to get her and I can't imagine a more perfect child, but I can't imagine not having another one either.



Some times I don't feel as guilty because I know Lillian will be an amazing big sister. She loves babies (even the ones that are only months younger than her). She likes to play with them, "read" to them, and take care of them any way you will let her. She is the only child I've ever scene not get mad when her mommy is holding another baby for a prolonged period of time.



But what I can't get out of my head is "why can't she be enough?" All my life all I've wanted is a family. Before my teen years I wanted lots of kids, in my teen years I decided I wanted to be an independent woman and have a career so I decided 2 kids and a good job would be great. Now, all I want is to be a SAHM or even a WAHM with as many kids as god is willing to give me. And I just can't accept that it will only be one.



Sorry for rambling so much, I hope it makes sense and doesn't jump all over too much! I will leave you with pictures of my favorite times!

The Waiting Game...

Is over. When my alarm clock went off this morning I had no signs of a new cycle beginning. I decided to test. I was so nervous and scared and really had no idea how I was going to react either way. So I take the test and let it sit while I brush my teeth...
I go back to check it and....

My first feeling was that of anger, why had I even tested? But that feeling quickly turned to frustration and sadness. If I could have thrown myself against the wall this morning I probably would have. Instead, despite my depression, I went and blew off some steam on the treadmill. I went for 40 minutes and had I not had to start getting ready for work, I would have gone longer.
As I was getting ready for work, I started cramping. I'm sure my next cycle will start by noon time today.

Mommies Don't Quit

Warning: If you are having trouble TTC, this may not be a post you want to read at this time. Like my subtitle says, the TRUTH about Miscarriage, Motherhood and Secondary Infertility.

Last night was a break down for me. By the time we made the 20 minute drive home from the grocery store I had been called, stupid and a jerk, told "don't talk to me" and "leave me alone" numerous times. By the time we reached the driveway I was frustrated and crying. I called my mom and asked to go over for dinner. And of course my child was pretty much an angel while we were there.

I have read article after article saying that a 2 year old doesn't know how to back talk*. Well I don't believe it. If I tell my daughter "we don't use words like that, they aren't nice" she yells back to me "NO, Don't talk to me mom!" So I will say something like "You shouldn't talk to mommy that way." or "I'm your mommy and I will talk to you."

When she's freaking out because something isn't going her way I try to get her to calm down by sitting with me and talking about it, but that just creates an even bigger issue because she doesn't want to sit with me. I don't think she quite understands the concept of time out yet. It bothers her to have to sit there, but she doesn't relate why she's sitting there with what she did, even when I explain it to her.

She will get mad and bring her hand up like she is going to hit me and I will tell her "hitting isn't nice. Would you like it if mommy hit you?" Her new response is "Yes hit me mommy."

We have used spanking a few times and while it gets her attention, it has thinking that any time something she doesn't like happens, or when she can't get something to work, she can "spank". Her poor dolls have been abused because she can't get the size 4 diaper to fit them and because she tries putting a toddler sized blanket on her doll stroller and pushing it. I don't want her thinking that any time some one makes her mad she can hit them because "It's a spanking".

I refuse to give up though, I will NOT be a mommy on Nanny 911 and I will NOT have a child that runs my house. I don't know how I will accomplish this yet, but I will. I WILL NOT GIVE UP!

* Yes I know moat people think their kids are advanced in some way, but do not believe my daughter has the inteligence of a 2 year old. I believe she is some where near 2 1/2 or 3 when it comes to comprehension and language. And this is not my own opinion, her pediatrition can't believe the conversations she can have for such a young age and neither can most strangers we run into at the store.

Adult Time...

There doesn't seem to be enough of it around these parts lately. I find myself struggling with my feelings as a mother and wife and wondering what I can do to get that "I have everything" feeling back. I know I have everything, but something inside is telling me that there is something missing.

I know part of it is the lack of adult time. "You've lost that loving feeling..."* is running through my head because I think that's what I'm lacking. I know I am very loved by my husband and I love him very much too, but knowing it and feeling it are two different things. Well at least to most women. Everything has just become so systematic lately that there doesn't even seem to be time for those little "I love you" glances where you just look at each other and know. And it's funny because he tells me he loves me all the time. So now I want to "Bring back that loving feeling..." and I think the only way to do it is make some adult time.

I think our bowling leagues have ended at the right time and our couples spring league can't start soon enough. Two weeks seems too far away! How do you incorporate "adult time" into your life? What do you do with your love to keep your connection?

* That Loving Feeling by Righteous Brothers