Nursing

With Lillian I loved every minute of it.  OK, that's a lie.  There was a two week period after she started bottles that I loathed it and almost gave up.  But my determination pulled through.  This time, it's different.  I don't know if it's because with 2 children there is more stress and I want to "relieve" that stress (aka consume massive amounts of alcohol).  Or if it's because I'm even more upset about being a working mom and having to pump more than I actually get to nurse.  If it's because I barely pump what Laney consumes (which I think is because the sitter over feeds her) or something else that I can't even think of right now.

Either way, something changed last week.  I don’t know what it was.  Most times I’m upset I can’t drink and B can because I have to drive, work, feed, don’t have a pump, whatever.  I went on vacation last week prepared!  I had enough frozen milk with me to feed her all week if I wanted to.  We didn’t have a microwave or hot water so I would have had to heat the bottles on the stove, but it was completely doable.  

Guess what; while I did indulge in maybe 6 drinks all week, I nursed Laney 100% on demand the whole time!  I didn’t even really have the urge to drink.  Maybe because I felt like crap the first 4 days we were there, maybe because I HATE pumping, I don’t know.  The one night I thought about indulging, the thought of having to get up to heat water on the stove for her 2am feeding was enough to make it not worth it.  I enjoyed every second of it too.

It didn’t really seem like a big deal, just like it didn’t seem like a big deal for B and Lilli to stay over at another family’s cabin by the fire while I took Laney back for bed.  I had the video monitor, but I normally just stayed, mostly because I didn’t feel well and went to sleep too.

What sucks, is this week, being back at work, only getting to nurse her maybe 3 times a day (including her midnight feeding), and having to pump.  I HATE pumping.  My breasts are tender and nipples too.  Not to mention since feeding her on demand for 9 days straight, you’d think I’d have no problem pumping what she consumes at the sitter, but no.  If I didn’t feed her on one side and pump the other in the morning, I’d never pump enough.  I don’t know if the sitter feeds her just because she starts sucking on her thumb or if she’s mistaking teething signs for hunger, or if Laney drinks the whole bottle just because it’s there, but something is off.

One of my favorite things about nursing is when
she falls asleep with her hand gently resting on me.
Obviously I covered myself up before taking the picture!

Loss

I can't imagine losing one of my girls.  I can't imagine the physical pain my heart would feel, my lungs and just my body overall.  When Lilian was born I had a separation anxiety that literally caused me to have chest pains even if B held her for 5 minutes on the couch next to me.  Thankfully with Delaney this has not been so bad.  While I think about them both all day at work and can't wait for that moment I can pick her up and hug her and the look on Lillian's face when I pull in the driveway, I'm doing ok.

While these days we have IRL (In Real Life) friends and "cyber" friends, I think there is a point in which your "cyber" friends can cross over and become your IRL friends.  I consider the girls I met on the What to Expect boards back in 2007 to be my IRL friends.  We talk at least a few times a week and while it might be on the computer and not over the phone, the conversation is the same, and honestly, probably more "real" than what I would have most of my IRL friends because what we talk about is family, kids, relationships, parenting and more.  These are things I don't really talk to my IRL friends about because they are all at different points when it comes to their families.  I have some that their youngest is a tween and some that aren't even beginning to think about having a family.

The point of this post... My friend Heather lost her 5 month old little boy on Friday.  I posted about Landon's arrival here.  He had a shunt put in his pulmonary artery during his first week of life.  After this surgery he developed NEC, and intestinal infection that is very common in heart babies.  Unfortunately Landon's was not caught before it made a perforation in his intestine.  He had to undergo another surgery to remove this part of his intestine.  During the surgery his heart wasn't doing very well so they gave him a "poop bag" and finished the surgery.  Landon did well with the bag and he was eating and gaining weight and was even home for quite some time.  On Friday he went in to have the "poop bag" removed and his intestine repaired.  After several screenings the doctors had determined he was strong enough for this.  But the doctors were wrong.  Little Landon left this world when his shunt became clogged and he lost oxygen to his body during this surgery.

My heart breaks for Heather and her family.  I can not imagine why such great people who have already been through so much would have to lose such a precious little boy.  A little boy that you would never even know had a problem besides being a little small.  I find myself asking why it happened, how could the doctors have let it happen and more.  And then I think about how I would handle life if it was me.  I honestly can't answer that question and I really don't think anyone can until they've been there.  For Heather and her husband I'm sure that their little girl who is Lillian's age will be what keeps them strong.

Her loss has made me wonder why I'm still working.  Why haven't I opened my shop and worked hard enough at it so I can stay home with my girls.  What can I do to spend more time with them and how can I make that time more enjoyable for all of us.

Please say a prayer for Landon and his family to have the strength to get through this hard time.

It Is A Big Deal

So I've been treating my current weight loss like it's no big deal.  And really I'm trying to act like it isn't a big deal because I have a long way to go.  As in I still have at least 40lbs to lose.

But what is a big deal to me is the fact that I am only 10lbs away from my pre-pregnancy weight.  And what makes that such a big deal to me is that I'm only 3 months, or 14 weeks post partum!  Now if I'd only gained 20lbs it probably wouldn't be that big of a deal to me either, but I didn't, I gained 50!

So right now I'd like to share my pride at hitting the less than 200lb mark at 199.8 this morning!   I can do this next 10lbs no problem!!!

Done?

This past weekend brought to me a startling realization.  Delaney may be my last baby.  This breaks my heart.  I’ve always wanted AT LEAST 2, most likely 3, but finances allowed, 4.  My mom was one of 6 six kids and I always loved her large family.  Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday just because of the family.  My sister and I have both always said that we wished we’d had more siblings like my mom did and I’ve always wanted that for my kids.

B and I have mentioned more/no more kids vaguely, but it’s never really been discussed.  This weekend when my friends’ husband asked him if we were having more B stated “No, we’re done.”  All I could think was “what if I’m not done?”  I do know that there will have to be a compromise and that the fact that he never wanted kids to begin with and now we have 2 is amazing in itself, but I don’t know if I’m ok with saying “we are done.”  Obviously this doesn’t mean it can’t be discussed, it was just a comment, but it was a blow to me.  Yesterday when I was packing up Laney’s clothes for my two cousins that are due this fall, I realized I may not have a reason to save them for myself, but giving them away seems so final to me.  Like I’m resigning to the fact that we won’t have any more and it left me with that very big empty pit feeling in my stomach.

Let's Talk Work

Everything in life is work.  Work is work, relationships (of all kinds) are work, parenting is work.  Even the fun things like vacation take work, whether it's the work to plan of the work you do to pay for it.

Right now my actual job is what it is.  I'm trying not to stress over it and just be happy to have one and focus on getting things done.  Some days are harder than others.  Normally by Friday afternoon all I want to do is go home and hold Delaney and watch Lillian run around like the crazy 3 year old she is.

Right now what is taking the most work in my life is my marriage.  If you've read my last few posts you know that I've had a lot to complain about and really I probably made those sound a little better than what things were really like.  After Friday morning's issue with clean boxers I pretty much lost it on the way to work.  I had had enough.  I sent B a message and told him that if Lillian was going to be gone for the night on Saturday that we needed to both be home and get things off our chest.  Problem was, the longer I sat at work, the angrier I got, the more I cried and the more I felt like just giving up.  In my hear I knew that's not really what I wanted, but I wasn't sure I had the strength for anything else.  Around 2:30 B sent me a message asking if he could go race his buddy's car at the track.  This made me livid.  Basically his thought was that if he couldn't go do something Saturday night he better do it Friday, which meant leaving me with both the girls all night.  I didn't know what to do.  Part of me didn't want to let him go because it was just going to add fuel to my rage, but the other part didn't even want to see him so I didn't really care.  I finally just text him and said "If you want to go ahead.  I'm honestly really upset and I don't think I can keep it together with you in front of the girls."  Don't get me wrong I don't want my girls growing up thinking relationships are always sunshine and rainbows, but right now it scares Lillian if we yell and she always thinks it's her fault if I cry.  B had no idea I was upset and asked what was wrong.  And although I didn't want to do anything over text messaging I couldn't ignore him.  I just told him "I'm sick of avoiding an argument and putting myself last.  I'm doing the best I can but its not working and I can't do anymore than I already am."  Of course he apologized for his fit that morning and said he'd do his own laundry, but that isn't going to fix things, I told him it's more than that.  I told him "I want to have a plan of who is responsible for what, I want to have less to worry about and get done, I want to be able to leave the girls with you and not worry about you being too stressed out to handle it."

In the mean time he had found out he couldn't race the car and wanted to invite his friend and wife over for a cook out.  In my head all I could think was great, as if I don't have enough already going on.  I told him no, I'd been crying all day and the last thing I wanted was to entertain. He ended up calling me and I lost it.  At my desk, at work, in our new open office area.  Talk about embarrassed.  I went to the bathroom and told him we needed to talk, but I couldn't do it then.  He figured out that I didn't really want to see him and I explained I don't, if I do right now I might say things I'll regret and it's just going to be a fight.  I told him I was taking the girls to my mom's camp for the night.  When we hung up I could tell he was crying.

I grabbed the girls after work, we went home, I packed in about 10 minutes and we were off.  I was already feeling better just knowing I wasn't going to have to put on a face for the night.  We did pretty much nothing that night, walked to town, grabbed dinner, walked back and it was bed time for the girls.  B text me a few times told me he was worried, but to take all the time I needed.  I told him I would and that he needed to make a list of things that bother him and the things he does in a day.

I had a few glasses of wine with my mom and I was exhausted and went to bed too.  Saturday morning I woke up with so much running through my head so I made a list of all the things that bother me.  Lillian had a blast playing with her cousins all day and we finally headed home about 5pm.

Tomorrow I'll tell you how our "talk" went.

Finding Peace

That is my one and only goal right now.  I just feel so unsettled in everything!  So unsettled I don't even know what to right after that.  I'm getting to the point where I just don't know what is most important to me right now.  I can't even enjoy the time I spend with the girls because I'm constantly thinking about what I should be doing.

Some times I wish I could just put the kids in a sound proof room so that I could argue with B when he starts his crap.  This morning he came to me (surprisingly calm at first) saying that he thinks he's being forgotten when it comes to laundry because he had no clean boxers.  Maybe he's right, I don't do his laundry very often, but I have my reasons.  1 - Why should I when he doesn't even have the courtesy to put them away, half the time they just end up right back on the floor with his dirty clothes and I don't have the time to be re-washing clothes because he can't put them away. 2 - He can't be bothered to even put his dirty clothes in mine and the girls' pile of dirty clothes (which by the way in currently just on the floor because he has 3 laundry baskets taken up with CLEAN, FOLDED clothes.  I'm pretty sure his dresser is about empty). 3 - He can't seem to take his boxers and socks out of his work clothes and put them with the regular clothes (I refuse to wash his nasty work clothes with the rest of the clothes).  So after he calm comment he got more and more irritated until he was throwing a fit and throwing all his clean clothes on the floor looking for a pair of boxers.  And I must say it really pisses me off that he asks ME every morning if I know where some are.  If it wouldn't cause a fight (cause I'm having a hard time not exploding) I would answer "If you put your fucking clothes away you'd know where they are!"  Oh and his other comment was that he was going to start doing his own laundry, which meant he was gonna stop doing another chore, most likely the dishes.  Like he does them all the time!!!

I'm really irritated how he's been handling Lillian's attitude lately.  I know its rough and she has been horribly whiny and mouthy, but he just can't seem to grasp the concept of staying calm yourself helps he keep calmer and defuses the situation much quicker.  Everything is instantly "do you want a spanking?"  Which some times is the only thing that works, as much as I hate it.  And he has started to mumble things under his breath that if Lillian ever heard would scare her and break her heart.  I don't know what is going on with him, but its taking its toll on our family and if he can't let me help he's gonna have to go figure it out on his own.

Even now I sit here at my desk at work writing this instead of working just to try and get some things out so I can concentrate.  I'm having fights in my head with him and getting upset.  At this point I don't think him saying "I'm sorry, you're right, I'm going to change it," is going to change anything about how I'm feeling.

I feel like my life needs a makeover and you can't just do that...

How Things Should Be

How I think things should be in my home and how they are right now are totally opposite and it's really starting to wear on me.  This is part of the reason for yesterdays post.  If things were the way I think they should be, we would have time to discuss things while Lillian isn't around.
** Edit** I wrote this yesterday based on how the morning went and the night before.  Now last night B was extremely helpful, we worked together to get dishes and dinner done and he helped with bath time.  This morning he got up when I woke him, made our coffee, got Lillian ready, took stuff to the car, and helped get the girls to the car**

How Things Should Be - Mornings:
Brandi - run/workout, shower, get Delaney's and my work stuff together, dress myself and Delaney, feed/pump,
Brian - let the dogs out, make coffee, dress, get Lillian up and ready, help me take kids to the car.

How Things Are - Mornings:
Brandi - Run/work out, wake Brian, make coffee for myself (for while I get ready), shower, feed/pump (I do this at the same time), dress myself and Delaney, get my stuff and Delaney's ready to go, let the dogs out, make 2nd pot of coffee for go mugs and his thermos, wake Lillian, get her ready, take both kids to the car
Brian - watch the news, get dressed, make coffee go mugs and thermos, take bags to the car, start vehicles.

How Things Should Be - Work Hours:
Brandi - Do work for my work, maybe pay some bills
Brian - Do work for work, if he gets done early do any shopping or chores that need to be done.  Maybe start dinner, or at least have a suggestion if we need something.

How Things Are - Work Hours:
Brandi - Do work for work, pay some bills, grocery shopping/errands during some lunch hours, make any phone calls needed.
Brian - Works, if he gets done early he goes home, some times mows lawn, some times does dishes, mostly watches TV, naps, or goes somewhere with friends

How Things Should Be - Evenings:
Brandi - Pick up Delaney, Pick up Lillian, take care of pumped milk, get next days bottles ready, feed Delaney twice between 5 and 8, eat dinner, clear table, do a load of wash (just switch and fold what's in dryer), Put Delaney to bed.
Brian - Make dinner, do dishes, give Lillian a bath, put Lillian to bed (in her bed).

How Things Are - Evenings:
Brandi - Pick up the girls (takes an hour), take care of pumped milk, get bottles ready, feed Delaney twice, eat dinner clear table, watch Lillian in bath from my bedroom where I'm feeding Delaney, lay with girls while they go to sleep. Some times I have to make dinner too.
Brian - Some times he cooks, some times he cleans up the table, watches TV, has a snack, gets Lillian out of tub and put pull up on, watches more TV, goes to bed.  He will come discipline Lillian if I am unable to when she's laying down for bed.

Other Stuff:
Lillian should be sleeping in her bed and him in our bed, but she sleeps with me and he sleeps in her room.

I should not get blamed for him not having coffee to take to work because he laid in bed a half hour after I woke up him up.

He should not be upset because he's going to be leaving late, he leaves 45 minutes before he has to be to work and it only takes 10 minutes to get there!  I leave 45 minutes before I have to be there and my drive time is almost 40 minutes, plus taking the girls into their different sitters.

I should talk to him more about what he can do rather than just doing it myself to avoid an argument.

I need to remember that my run/work out in the morning is my "me time" even if it is only a half hour and not always what I want to do.

Now I need to start working on ways to change the things that are wrong.

"Discussions"

Better known as arguments.  I think it's about time B and I have one because we've been increasingly short with one another and it normally happens because something irritates us, but we don't get a chance to talk about it, so then we get short and that irritates the other, then they get short and it just keeps building until we pretty much don't even remember what the first thing was.

Our problem is that Lillian thinks she needs to be part of every conversation.  Even if she's off playing by herself she's listening, and most times what we need to talk about involves her.  We follow the "don't argue or discuss punishment in front of the kids" policy, as much as possible.

There is just so much I need to talk about with him and I'm pretty sure I'm gonna cry (I'm still very emotional) and that bothers Lillian.  Last time it happened she yelled at him and that's not good.

So when and how do you solve problems with you significant other???

39 Week Love

I certainly didn't think I'd be writing a 39 week post!  Especially with the amount of Braxton Hicks contractions I had starting around 20 weeks.

Right now I'm taking things day by day.  Last night B asked how I was doing and my response was "I made it through today, I can make it through tomorrow."  It's getting hard though.  My body aches, my muscles ache and feel week and the thought of doing anything other than sitting on my ass generally makes me cringe.

One thing I'm loving though is the love my baby girl has been giving me.  She got to stay home with her daddy yesterday, but when she woke up and realized I wasn't there too she was not happy.  She wanted to see mommy.  After lunch time she called to tell me how she was looking for me when she got and how she was going to hide when I got home so I could find her.

When I got home we played on my (thankfully King Sized) bed where she showed me over and over that she could summer salts and when she'd tip side ways she'd say "Ooops that wasn't a good one."  She helped me make dinner, well really all she did was press the buttons on the microwave, but I have found that to be very useful in teaching her what each written number looks like.  And we took a bath where she lined up all her letters according to color and told me she was putting this one on the right and that one on the left and even one in the middle.  I really can't believe how smart she is.

At 4 this morning when her daddy picked her up and put her in our bed I really didn't mind much.  She came right over to me and told me she loved me and cuddled with me until I had to get up at 5.  As much as I hate her sleeping with us this mornings love was great!  I'm really starting to feel the pull at the heart strings that I'm not going to be able to giver her all my attention soon.

And just to keep up, here's this weeks belly picture...

 Doesn't look like much change from last week to me.  But you sure can tell I'm running out of clothes that fit!

37 Weeks

Yes I've made it to 37 weeks, full term! While I am very happy about this, I am not happy about the thought of there still possibly being 3 weeks left, or maybe even 4! I can't imagine how painful things will be then! Don't get me wrong, I want my baby girl to stay in there until she is nice and healthy to come out, but I also want to have my sanity too. 

Right now I'm functioning on a day by day basis and while this may cause a disappointment every day it causes less anxiety than the thought of how I may feel in 3 weeks should I not have a little girl to hold.

At my appointment today my MW informed me that she won't check me, let alone sweep my membranes until I'm 39 weeks.  I'm really frustrated by this, I'd really like to know if the 2 hours work of contractions I had 5 minutes apart yesterday did anything.  Of course, even if it did do something you can be dilated 3cm for weeks, so I guess it doesn't really matter.

Here's this week's lovely picture...

What do you think of the new design?  It's not really what I wanted, but for the time being it will have to do until I have time to change it to the one I want when I'm home. 

Mentally Preparing

I wish I was referring to birth, but I'm not. I'm trying to mentally prepare for the fact that I will only be 37 weeks tomorrow and if this little girl doesn't want to come out for another 3-4 week she doesn't have to.  The thought of this to me is very depressing.  I am emotionally done.  While I'm actually doing ok in the physical aspect of things, mentally, I'm exhausted.  I don't know how much more of the rollercoaster of emotions I can take.  My patience is about down to nothing and I constantly feel like I'm on edge.  Every time I stand up, sit down, roll over, whatever, I'm praying my water breaks.

I can't think of any better to spend Valentine's Day than giving birth to our 2nd baby girl!

The Other Foot

It seems that this whole pregnancy I've been waiting for the other foot to drop. So far there hasn't been one, but I can't shake that feeling. I've pushed it to the back of my head for several months, but the pre-programmed "expect the worst" part of me can't help but wonder...

This past week has renewed my fears of "The Other Foot".  My friend gave birth to 4.5lb little boy at just under 37 weeks.  She was expecting a small baby and that he may have to stay in the NICU, but she wasn't prepared for him to be transferred to the Children's Hospital in another town with the initial diagnosis of a missing pulmonary artery.  She was also scared with a few other mis-diagnoses and in the end he has his pulmonary artery, but it is only partial.  He will get a shunt this week and have a surgery in a month or two to fix his artery.  Thankfully he is currently doing well and his body is functioning properly and he's even eating.

It amazed me that they didn't find this condition until after birth.  She was having at least weekly ultrasounds do to her high risk pregnancy with GD and threat of PreE. 

It also scares me that I have two friends that have had babies in the last 4 months that have had heart issues.  My other friends little girl has a much more serious issue and has been in the hospital for almost 4 months now and has already under gone 2 open heart surgeries.  It was this friend that told me she found out that 1 in 100 babies has a heart defect at birth that isn't diagnosed until after birth.

Its funny how a mother's worry starts so soon and never ends!  I'm very anxious for my little girl to get here, only a few more weeks now!

Double Digits!

That's right, the tickers are down to double digits now!  99 Days!  14 Weeks!!  3 Months!!!

So many feelings about those numbers: excited, nervous, anxious, and there's another one that I just don't know what to call it.

I'm so excited to have a little baby girl to hold and care for again.

I'm extremely nervous about how Lillian is going to react to me having to give so much time and attention to some one else.

I'm anxious to get the house, particularly her bedroom done.

And this other feeling comes at night when it's time for Lillian to go to bed.  It's that overwhelming feeling of love I get in my heart that almost hurts and makes me cry.  It's not a sad cry, but it's certainly not a happy cry either.  I used to get it when she was first born too.  Like a separation anxiety or something.  I've been trying so hard to let B do bed time cause he will have to when the baby arrives and to let him be the one to go to her when she wakes up.  But it's hard.  I want to be there for her, but I know that I won't always be able to be there once the baby gets here and I don't want her to resent her sister for that so I'm trying to back off now.  But it hurts :(

Passing Time

It almost feels like time is passing without my knowledge.  How did I get to 21 weeks already?  Things feel so emotionally different this time.  I feel kind of detached or something.  I feel so busy with every day life that I don't have the time to enjoy being pregnant, but that has me wondering, what did I "enjoy" so much last time.

I've started freaking out about picking a name, I have this feeling I will bond better if I have something to call her other than Baby Girl.  Problem is I don't know if I like any of the names.  I went through the entire girls name list on babynames.com and came up with a list of about 30 names to consider.  I've narrowed it down to 15 or so and I think I have a top 5 out of that, but not a one of them has a middle name and my brain feels like mush trying to think of one.

Then this week it hit me.  I have 19 weeks, if I make it to 40 weeks this time.  Since I work full time that pretty much leaves me 19 weekends, which is 38 days to prepare my house for this baby girl.  Considering I have a trip the weekend of Nov 11th, family visiting Nov 10th and 26th weekends and pretty much every weekend in Dec busy due to Holidays, I'm down to only 11 weekends and when you subtract 3 more so every thing is ready by 37 weeks, just in case, I'm down to 8 weekend, that's 16 days!!!  Granted I try and sneak things in here and there, but some of the work will be a whole weekend project, like cleaning my craft and other stuff out of her room and painting and such.  So I finally started looking at bedding this week and realized that I have no idea what I want!

But besides this stress I'm going through now in an effort to not have anxiety later, everything seems to be going well.  Here are some new ultrasound pictures that I got last week when we went back to get her heart and profile views.

19 Week Depression

Today's post is going to be more on the serious side.  No one ever thinks that once they finally get what they've been praying for, for almost 2 years, that they would get depressed.  But the truth is, depression doesn't only happen during hard times or with the loss of a loved one.

 

To some one who's never been depressed before, it's a very hard thing to understand.  It's not something you can just "snap out of" or "get over".  Its typically this feeling of seclusion that keeps increasing until you realize that you are depressed.  Most times you find that while you are generally happy with your life, you feel unhappy and like nothing will make you happy.  That probably doesn't make sense to anyone who hasn't been there, but that's what it's like.

 

For example: Right now, besides still having to work every day at a job I don't like, my life is generally happy.  Problem is, I don't feel happy.  I feel like I'm going through the motions and that things are hopeless, even though I know they aren't and that everything is going to be fine. 

 

Most times it's hard to diagnose depression during pregnancy because most doctors will just blame it on the hormones.  I do think hormones make it so much worse.  

 

I feel bad for all those who try to help those who are depressed.  Hearing over and over again that they don't know what's wrong and that there is nothing you can do to help has to be discouraging and sound like they don't want help.  But the truth is, we really don't know what's causing these feelings and that if we knew what would make us feel better, we'd be sure to tell you.

 

REMINDER: Friday at 9:30 the poll for Gender and chance at a free hat closes.  Be sure to leave a comment with your vote!  Just voting doesn't tell me who voted.  I have 5 votes on the poll but only know what 3 people (Sunny, Jenn, PatchHats) voted for.  If you already voted, but didn't leave a comment, leave a comment now.

 



Flaws

I have decided to give up on the party, there is just too much crap going on between the day we find out and the weekend we were going to have the party.  I'm very disappointed because this was going to be the only "celebration" for this baby.  It's just been too stressful trying to plan around this and that.  In reality it doesn't really matter to anyone else how they find out the gender of the baby.

There is also a flaw with my Poll, I still want to do the drawing for the hat, but if you want to be entered you also have to leave a comment with your guess because apparently I can't see who votes for what using that poll.  Sorry for that.

Then we have my own flaws, or possibly pregnancy flaws, but either way, I'm going nuts.  I'm already having anxiety attacks over leaving my babies when I have to return to work.  I still HATE leaving Lillian every morning and I know that when this baby gets here I'm going to feel even worse about leaving her because I will have even less one on one time with her.  Moving her to her big girl bed has really hit me hard.  I didn't realize how much the cuddle at night in my bed meant to me until it was gone.  I know that for her own good and mine I can't let her continue to be in the habit of going to bed with mommy, but I miss it.  It makes me cry.  I know it will get better, but these damn hormones make me feel like I'll always feel this way.  I've even wondered if I'm really cut out for this whole Mommy thing.  I mean I know I can raise my children up to be good, decently intelligent adults, but what I don't know is if I can handle the "firsts" and the letting go.  This Big Girl Bed has made me realize how many firsts I have coming, there are so many!!!  Her first day of school, her first time being left alone, her first shower without me in the room... That's just a few, but right now the thought of everyone of them makes me want to cry!

I'm sure it's just hormones, but I just feel like this feeling will never go away...

BEER???

Either when I was pregnant with Lillian I didn’t have as many stressful days, or I was completely miserable and have chosen to block it out of my memory.

After a long frustrating day at work typically I would go home and have a beer or a glass of wine, or wait for days (that felt like weeks) for Thursday night bowling to roll around, to relax and take the edge off of feeling like I’m losing my sanity. While I still have the stress relief of imagining I’m rolling a rather heavy ball at whatever my current frustration is on Thursday nights, it just isn’t cutting it!

I need a new method of relaxation that isn’t going to take time from Lillian or cause me to be up until midnight, or make me gain 100lbs.

I know picky right?

There has to be something out there that will help relieve some stress, release some endorphins or something!

So, what is your new “drink” of choice???

Hard Work

I got a nice surprise today.  Well, kind of nice.  It is review time at work, a time I generally dread for many reasons.  Today it was a nice surprise to read what my manager had to say about me though.

A little background is that back in 2009 after returning to work from my maternity leave, I found it very hard to get anything done, I couldn't concentrate on my work and I spent way too much time using the companies internet to communicate with fellow mommies.  So much so that my boss and the HR lady called me into a meeting where I broke down crying about how hard it is to be away from my daughter and how depressed I was.  Thanks to my boss, who I've been working for since 2002, I was not fired as he assured HR I was a very capable worker.  We came up with development plan to get me back on track and for the most part it worked.  After only a few month on the plan and meeting weekly to review my project statuses and sign papers for HR saying that I was following my plan and improving my work ability, the meetings started stretching out farther and my boss was complimenting on accomplishing some things and coming up with some great ideas for the group.

Last year's review was positive in the fact that I didn't have to have a special plan and I got a raise again.  I still struggle with my concentration on work and getting certain things done in a timely manner, but I'm working on it.

This year I think I've improved a little maybe.  Nothing drastic, but I work and get things done before the detrimental dead lines.  Which let me note, around here is not always done because everything is an emergency.

Today I got my review from my boss and to my surprise he feels that I am exceeding expectations in some areas and feels with a little improvement in a few other areas I will qualify for a promotion next year!  This is amazing to me cause honestly I had no idea what it would take to get a promotion around here.  Really, it's just a job title change and a little more $.  Even though this is a fortune 500 company, there isn't much room for career advancement  My boss and his boss have both been here 25 years or more and are still a distance from retirement.  There really isn't any where else to go besides their positions unless I move to another department, but then it's the same situation in all the departments...

So that's my happy news on hard work.  I'm thrilled at even the prospect of a new job title.  What scares me is the thought of what could happen when I come back from maternity leave this time.  At least I think HR will be more willing to work with me on the return to work transition this time, I hope...

All Jumbled Up

That how the thoughts in my head are.  So as much as I hate to do it, I'm going to give you some bullet points.

 

• We survived the all mighty Irene.  Not that I thought we wouldn't, we do live upstate, not on the coast, and the weather man was only calling for rain and wind.  Yes it was all day rain, but nothing too heavy and only a few inches maybe.  Some people blew this way out of proportion and really irritated me, but alas it's over and we all survived and I was right.
• I have a brother whom I've never met.  I've known about him since I was very little, but until about 6 months ago we had never even been in contact.  I had always wondered what it would be like to talk to him and get to know him.  Our conversations through email and later texting and even a phone call stirred up many emotions for me.  You see my father had never met him either.  I'm not going to get into the details of that now because what really bothers me right now is that my brother is sick.  I have learned over the last few years that you can care a great deal about people whom you've never met in person.  Friday night my brother went into the hospital and was put in ICU.  It is now Monday and he has been moved out of ICU, but they still don't know what's wrong with him.  In the beginning they were pretty sure it was meningitis, now one doctor says he thinks it still is and the other doesn't.  I am a good 10-12 hours away (I don't know for sure obviously cause I've never been there), but I feel helpless and I wish there was something I could do, but I'm not even on the "Inform immediately" list because of our situation.
• Pregnancy guilt is high.  Although I'm finally starting to feel better (I love you Prilo.sec) and I'm getting spend more time with Lillian, I find that I still have a rather short fuse when it comes to her whining.  Some times I just give up the fight cause let's face it we need to pick our battles.  But then I wonder if I'm creating a monster by letting her think that some times a fit may work so she may as well try.  The binkies for example, I created a freaking monster and I'm regretting every second of it right now.  I hate the damn things and for some reason every day when she gets in the car to leave the sitter's she asks for them.  Of course while at the sitter's, even if she's offered them, she doesn't want them.  This is currently a battle that I have just quit fighting, I can't take the screaming after a long day at the office.  Am I enabling a brat though?  Honestly???  Is she going to whine forever to get what she wants or is this just a phase?
• My Etsy shop is draining me, financially and mentally.  Didn't know I had one? Check it out, Brandi's Boutique. I'm buying patterns for new things and then buying yarn and ribbon or whatever, but I end up having to make 2 of everything before I can post them because I have to give one away to get pictures of it.  And really what good are the pictures if you don't have an item to sell anymore?  And well my creativeness went out the window when my sleep did.  I have been creative enough to make a few single items, but by the time I get around to duplicating them, I can't remember how I made them and have to start the process all over again.  Oh how I wish I could just be home working on this stuff all day!

 

8 Weeks and a Pill

8 Weeks!!! I can't believe I've made it 8 Weeks!!!

Before anyone worries, the pill I'm speaking of doesn't exist. It's a pill I wish existed, one I could give to my loving husband that thinks he understands what it's like to be 8 weeks pregnant. He tries to sympathize, but really he doesn't get it. I understand that he works a physical job on a roof all day and that it's tiring and miserable, it in no way means that he can come close to understanding what it's like to sit at a desk all day trying to make yourself not throw up. Or trying to ignore the horrible acid in your stomach that feels like it's eating away at itself, and the only thing that makes it feel better is to eat any carbs you can get, but you can't because gaining 50lbs is NOT an option! I wish he could feel how I feel, even doing what I do, for just one day. Maybe then he would understand why last night I went to bed crying because even though I told him Lillian spilled Freezie.Pop juice on our bed and I needed to change the sheets when they came out of the dryer, he went to bed anyway ignoring that I was going to have to sleep in that sticky mess. Or that he left me alone to deal with our 27 month old daughter who wouldn't even close her eyes to try and fall asleep for an hour and a half. Who I eventually just left to her own devices in her crib because I could no longer sit there with my stomach turning and my head bobbing. And maybe then he would understand why I get up at 4 and skip my much needed work out because it's the only time of day I feel well enough to get some house work done.

Oops, I wasn't going to go into that rant, but oh well, I did and it is after all the truth. Happy Birthday Babe, I really do love you!

On to the 8 week update!

Stats:
Weight: +3.8lb (damn carbs are killing me)
Next Appt: Aug 3 (dating ultrasound!)

This is what a 3D ultrasound should show at 8 weeks. I'm actually guessing at my ultrasound next week the baby will measure around 9 weeks 1 day, rather than a little under 9 weeks.

According to Baby.Center, this is what's new this week:
Webbed fingers and toes are poking out from your baby's hands and feet, his eyelids practically cover his eyes, breathing tubes extend from his throat to the branches of his developing lungs, and his "tail" is just about gone. In his brain, nerve cells are branching out to connect with one another, forming primitive neural pathways. You may be daydreaming about your baby as one sex or the other, but the external genitals still haven't developed enough to reveal whether you're having a boy or a girl. Either way, your baby — about the size of a kidney bean — is constantly moving and shifting, though you still can't feel it.

Now that I'm 8 weeks and feeling like shit, I mean confident, I'm trying to accept that I need to just embrace the pregnant look, even if people who ask can't believe I'm only 8 weeks. Really what choice do I have???