Thursday, July 31, 2008

The Root Cause?

Well after writing my post yesterday I only became more depressed. Which usually happens after I leave the denial stage. I started crying the second some one wanted to talk to me just because I wanted to be left alone. I ended up leaving work an hour early because I couldn't take it any more. When I got home I was very tempted to get online and read more blogs and threads but decided that it was probably only going to make me feel worse, especially the ones where the women were pregnant. I was good and avoided this. Instead I started thinking about all the things that may be contributing to this feeling of sinking in my life:
  1. Lack of being pregnant (both my loss and not being pregnant again)
  2. In debt
  3. My body
  4. Smoking (no lectures please)
  5. Wanting a house

Now I can't say which of these is the actual cause of my depression, but all combined makes me want run and hide. Now the question is where do I begin fixing these problems?

  1. There is nothing I can do about being losing my baby or getting pregnant again. This is just something I am going to have to deal with.
  2. Being in debt started with our honeymoon where we overspent and then having things at home take a crap on us. I also have no one but myself to blame for this problem because I pay the bills and pretty much dictate how our money is spent. DH signs his check every week and hands it to me. I suppose this is a good place to start.
  3. My body, again no one to blame but me. Problem is if I'm going to start saving money and get us out of debt we can't afford all that health food or a gym membership. I may just have to make it part of our budget. Sad thing, I can't remember the last meal I cooked that was healthy. These days they are just whatever is around or take out.
  4. Smoking. I know it's terrible for me and decreases the chances of conceiving, but the stress got to me. I had quit for 6 months or more and then Brian started smoking again and when AF showed last month, well I just couldn't take it. Some how I manage not to smoke for 2 weeks and then when AF arrives I break. Time to go back to the doctor, but again it's money. The damn prescription for Chantix, which I think is wonderful, is $100 for a month supply. You'd think the insurance company would pay most of it, but it's still $100.
  5. Last but not least I want a house so bad. I'm afraid we are never going to get there with the amount of debt we have. By no means are we at a point where we need credit counseling or anything, but with the prices of everything going up we can't actually save anything. I don't know what I would have done if we didn't pay off our camper loan with our tax money.

So here I sit wondering where to start. I think maybe first I should find a gym so that I can price that into my budget. Then I can do my budget. Of course quitting smoking will help immensely with the budget too, but it's so hard when DH smokes all the time. At the same time I also understand that when a person quits it needs to be for them, not for any other reason. Maybe I can make an appointment with my Dr. for this and talk to him about getting pregnant at the same time. I say this but probably won't make the appointment, who knows though, maybe I'll surprise myself. And I guess once all this stuff falls into place my house will come. Maybe I'll feel better if we can actually get the place we have cleaned up first. Its a disaster area because I've just stopped caring and that's not right!

I hope I can get out of this slump soon. I miss my family, but at the same time don't even feel like being around them. My sister leaves for college on the 20th and I haven't even talked to her in almost 3 weeks. That's just wrong of me!


  1. Did I read the word "disaster?" I'm putting on my red vest and flying out today! (j/k) If you can, maybe take a weekend for yourself and get your place in order. I know small steps really help me out of the blues. Cleaning up my enviroment and just writing out a to-do list for ONLY the next week. And just deal with things one week at a time. You've got some great goals, I know you can get it all done. Try to not be so hard on yourself. One thing at a time. As for the house thing, the longer you wait to buy - the closer the house you buy will be your dream house. You will know better what you want, and have more resources to get it. (At least thats what I tell myself ;-) )

  2. I understand your slump. And as an ex-smoker may I just say today I saw a man throw 1/2 of a perfectly good cigarette out the window and I did stare at it with a strange longing known only to smokers (and I quit 6 years ago). You HAVE however...won an award. See my blog to collect your prize.


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