Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Again? Still? Crazy?

I'm so tired and have no motivation. I'm really hoping this isn't my wonderful friend Mono again (Let me clarify, the illness, not our actual friend called Mono, yes I have a real friend called Mono). I have had no motivation to do anything lately. I have had 4 work days and 2 weekends off in the last 2 weeks and I didn't do a damn thing with them. I had all these plans of what I wanted to do and didn't do it. Instead I laid in bed until I forced myself to get up cause DH would have been disappointed. I haven't cleaned my house in I don't know how long. The only thing I've done is laundry because we were running out of clothes.

Last night I went to bed at 9 and my alarm went off at 4:30. Even if I didn't fall asleep until 9:30, that's 7 hours of sleep, I honestly think it was closer to 8 cause I hit snooze until 5.

The only other thing I think it may be is depression. I've gone through that several times and most of the time I deny it until I can't anymore cause people are noticing. I suppose it could be depression cause I can't seem to concentrate on anything, except blogs and TTC boards. I can't remember the last time I cooked a meal, I'm really down about my weight, but don't have the ambition to do anything about it. I'm afraid to go to my doctor and say something because I refuse to take pills again and I don't want him to tell me to "just relax". I wish there was a law that they couldn't day that to you. I'm still a few months away from my year mark and I've gotten pregnant so I'm afraid he's going to say just give it time. At times I think of giving up all together and getting off the boards I'm on and stop reading all the blogs, but then I think no cause I would probably go crazy if I didn't have every one's support.

I don't talk to my mom much any more cause every time she sees me with a baby or I say something about a baby she says "Don't worry it will happen in time" or "Just give it some time". Well the way I see it is time is up! I should be expecting a bundle of joy in the next 3 to 4 weeks and I'm not even pregnant any more. She always tries to brush things under the carpet. When I was having my MC she kept telling me, everything is fine, spotting is normal. Even though she never had any. But then again, neither my sister or I were planned. I knew something was wrong then and I know something is wrong with me now. Not so much in a physical, getting pregnant way, but in an emotional way.

I suppose I just figured out I'm depressed and not sick with mono again. Now I just have to figure out what to do about it.


  1. Aw, Brandi. I have noticed the tone of your posts has changed lately. I didn't want to say anything, in case you were sensitive about it. You just sound so down lately. I just wish there was something I could say that would help. I think anyone going through what you've been through this past year, especially with the m/c, has a right to be depressed. I certainly would be. Hell, even without all that I've gone through some times where I just didn't think I could take another day. Having a baby is not supposed to be this hard! But just think, when we finally get to hold that little miracle in our arms, that baby is going to be so loved! I honestly think we'll all be better parents because it took us so long. We'll appreciate it more than anyone who got pregnant on the first try ever could!

  2. It is so hard. When trying your best just isn't good enough, because so much is out of your control. I agree with you about your mom. Unless someone has had to "try" they don't really understand. I think it is especially hard having gotten pregnant and then miscarried. Its such a tease. Now that you know it its possible to get pregnant every single month feels like is holds soo much possibility. Then, when it doesn't work out and you have to move your imaginary due date another month out - it feels like a ton of bricks. You aren't alone in that. And - I don't have a good answer on how to feel any better about... :-( But I can say that I'm here to listen.

  3. Well. Since I'm crying right now too...and a bit drunk might I add...all I have to give you is a hug ((hug)) and I'm with you...and thank you for being with me....


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