Depression

It's been a rough week. Emotionally really. I've dealt with depression for a large part of my life, though I never thought it would come into this stage. One of my biggest problems with depression is that I don't like to admit I'm depressed, I like to bottle it up and hide it. Well yesterday I decided that I just needed to admit to it and deal with it. Get to the root of what was causing my depression. I told B how I was feeling and he was as supportive as he could be through text messages. Until he tried to get me to go off shopping after work. Now I could just be blowing things out of proportion here, but my feeling was that he wanted me to be busy after work so that he could go hunting and not feel guilty.

I realized I was depressed because I basically started crying all the time. And I didn't really want to talk to anybody or see anybody. Kind of hard when I work in an office. So I started wanting to just stay home. But that of course meant being by myself. Depression is a strange thing because I always get this feeling that I don't want to be around people, but I don't want to be alone either. Anyway one of the things that has really been getting me down is how I look.

Getting dressed in the morning has brought me to tears all week. I basically look fat in everything and I'm not comfortable. I've been meaning to go shopping for over a week now, but like I tried to explain to B, by the time I get out of work I'm too exhausted to drive 45 minutes away (to where they sell maternity clothes), shop for a few hours, and then drive 45 minutes back. I'd be in an accident before you knew it. So yesterday I told my boss I wasn't feeling well and that I was leaving at noon. Which I really didn't feel good, but not in a "I'm going to lose my breakfast" sort of way. Then I met up with my mother who drove me to the mall. After 3.5 hours of shopping and $400 later, I feel better. Well some what. I at least don't feel like a pile of crap stuffed into a potato sack anymore. I was so excited when I got home, I couldn't wait to share my findings with B. But he wasn't there, and he was an hour late getting home from what when he told me he'd be home. I was very upset again. But he did promise me that he won't be hunting again until Saturday. That means I will have two more nights with him this week. During which time I will bring up how his being gone every night is going to stop.

I also purchased the first few baby items yesterday. I was very nervous about it (that feeling that something will go wrong if I did), but my mom convinced me to do it anyway. I'll have to take pictures tonight so I can show you the outfits, their soooo cute! And I also bought them in size 6/9 months, for a few reasons. #1 most people will buy new born and not larger sizes and 2, they are heavier outfits and most likely won't be warn until the baby is 6 months anyway. B told me he wants to come the next time I decide to buy baby things. That made me feel good too.

Well I better get some work done today, I've been slacking this week due to lack of concentration! Things are looking up though, I even put on some foundation and mascara today!