Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Thank You!

To all the responses from yesterday. Some were exactly what I needed to hear and others were a wake up call, but I needed it.

During lunch I took our Jeep to my mom's shop for a repair and had lunch with her while I waited. Well I didn't actually eat, I mostly cried. Especially when she told me more information about my husband that I did not know.

You see my husband and I have a quite a long road. There were several times that I had to look at him and tell him "If this is how things are always going to be then we need to end it now because I won't live like that." You see I met my husband while I was home on summer break after my second year of college, I was 20. B was the bartender at the bar my parents took me too, he was 27 and lived upstairs. We both really thought it was just going to be a summer fling and we were fine with that, hey I was only 20. Well obviously that didn't happen. Being that I was in school over 2 hours away we had some hard ships. We were both going out on our own and doing our own thing, but we talked every day and I would drive home every few weekends. We spent a lot of time in the bar though. During my 3rd year of college my step-father and mother got a divorce and when it was time for me to come home for the summer I had no place to stay. My mother and sister had moved to a two bedroom condo and B was sleeping on her couch because his aunt was remodeling his apartment. B and I decided to move in together. There was no way I was sleeping on a pull out bed for 3 months. That summer and following year were rough. He was used to doing his own thing because I wasn't around all the time and all he had to do was call me. I worked my butt off at school and he worked at home. I would drive home every other weekend to make sure bills were paid, mostly with the money I was making at school. He continued to go out every weekend and when I was home we'd fight about it. He also started to think that I was coming home because I didn't trust him, not just because I wanted to see him. When I finally graduated we found a nicer place together and things seemed to get better. When we were home things were great most of the time. Our biggest problems were just getting used to having the responsibility of a relationship full time. And it was a problem for both of us. Then he lost his job. He had never had to pay bills and didn't understand the complications this was bringing. He also wasn't ready to quit going out every night and smoking the bad stuff. Me, I was ready to settle down and get on with my life. 4 years of partying 3 - 4 nights a week was enough for me. We bought a camper that summer and things got a lot better. We didn't fight as much cause we would drink there and I didn't have worry about getting him away from the bar. And I could drink too because I didn't have to worry about driving. Eventually I got him to realize that the fun stuff is what goes away when we don't have money, not the cell phone or electric. And a little less than a year after I graduated he proposed. We actually postponed the wedding once and almost a second time after he made the mistake of giving up incoming $ to go fishing. I looked at him and said that if you aren't responsible enough to give up one day of fishing to make some money when you don't have a job then you certainly aren't ready for marriage. This was two months before the wedding and I'd never seen him look so sad and ashamed in his life. Since then things have gone great for over a year until now. I'm not saying we haven't had our spats, but what couple doesn't.

Yesterday afternoon I wrote down what I wanted to say to him. I printed it out and took it home with me. I told him before I got there that we needed to talk and that he should make a list of the things that he likes and dislikes about me. His response was "I don't think things are that bad" and I said "Well they are for me and I'm going to tell you how I feel about everything." When I got home I was starving so we sat and chatted with M while I ate. I personally think M being there was B's plan because he didn't want to talk, but it happened anyway. He went in the bedroom to find his bowling shirt and I followed him. I told him I wrote down everything I wanted to say and I could either read it to him or he could read it. It took him a few minutes to read and he was silent afterward. He finally looked at me and said "I don't even want to talk about the hunting thing, it's hunting and we're not going to fight over it." Pause that seemed like it lasted forever, "but I do understand why you don't want me hunting at night." That right there made me feel so much better. That's my biggest problem, him being gone til 7 at night coming home eating and passing out. Then being gone all weekend. If he doesn't have to work during the day, then great go hunting, I don't care, I'm at work. He has also promised me that he is not doing the "bad" things he used to and I know he doesn't get drunk all the time anymore. He also informed me that yesterday he only hunted in the morning and when he got home he sat down and read all the emails I've sent him about the baby. And I promised to give him a list of little things that he can do to help me feel better.

We go through this normally once every 1.5 - 2 years, mostly cause I bottle things up cause I don't like to rock the boat. I know we'll get through this and I'm already feeling much better. Besides this terrible headache and sneezing I have going on. On the plus side, no morning sickness in two day!!!


  1. Every couple has there own set of issues to work through. So don't feel like you are the only one, you're not alone out there. I am glad you are feeling positve about things. Hopefully he will take the right steps in the direction of paying you and the baby more attention.Unfortunatly,relationships are never will get better!

    Congrats on the disapperance of the morning sickness....maybe a end is in sight! :0)

  2. I'm glad you sat down and got everything out, I'm sure you felt a big weight come off your shoulders. Sometimes we need to regroup in relationships and sit down and really have a talk. I have to do it with mine when things are really bad with money like they are with us right now. We are struggling badly but yet even though I still want a baby he understands and is willing to help anyway he can. I'm sure most people think we are nuts trying to have a child and being so behind on bills but thats life, if you wait till you can afford them you will never have them. You just rejust life and move on. I'm glad we where able to help you, thats what friends are for, to spill your guts out and be ok with the reaction you get wheather it's one you wanted to hear or not. Glad to also here that the m/s may be gone, that will make you feel alot better also. :-)

  3. Good for you! I agree with jenjam, every couple goes through this stuff. My husband and I went through it around the 7 year mark. it wasn't easy, but getting everything out does make ALL the difference. I hope your feeling better and continue to.

  4. Good for you! Ironing out what you both want, now, will help immensenly when there is a babe in the mix who demands ALOT of attention.

    thinking of you!


Your ramblings...