Anxious

Does the anxiety ever go away?

Every time we have to make a change with Lillian I start having anxiety attacks. I dropped her off at the new sitter this morning and leaving was so hard. Not because I don't think she will be well taken care of, or that I don't think the girl can handle it or anything like that. I drove away thinking, did I tell her everything? Did I remember to tell her about the frozen binkies? Did I tell her she likes to sleep on her belly or that she likes to have her Pooh when she sleeps? Did I remember to tell her that the NUK bottles some times take her longer to eat? Stuff like that.

And I always feel horrible because I can't bring myself to take her out of her seat in the morning to hug and kiss her goodbye. I'm affraid if I picked her up again I wouldn't let go.

So that brings me to the yearly camping trip our friends have. We call it "Adult Weekend" This is because everyone finds a sitter for the kids and camp out and drink and have a blast. This was actually the weekend that Lillian was conceived! Anyway, we normally only go for one night because of the dogs. Well I don't know if I want to go at all this year. I get anxious just thinking about leaving Lillian for the night. Like right now there is this feeling in the pit of my stomach. I mean I know that she will be fine, I mean my om is going to take care of her and well I'm here aren't I? My problem is that I get so little time with her that I hate to leave her with some one else when I don't have to. On the other hand, I know that it's ok to get away some times and I know that if I don't go I will regret it because either way B is going and I can't blame him.

Will I ever feel like I spend enough time with her?

On the plus side she is getting so smart, I'm going to try and load a video of her learning out to press the buttons on her exersaucer.

Change of Plans

Well this blog was going to be about having a new sitter, but right now that doesn't seem to be so important. Do you remember my post about my friend "The last one standing". Well I logged into my google page this morning to the title of A Dream Deferred and my heart sank right away. I knew she was close to it being beta day.

Well guess what, it is a glorious day! No girl left behind in our group! It took 2 years, but we are all now either mommies or pregnant.

Murgdan, I wish you the happiest and healthiest 9 months and more. Oh yeah and a Happy Belated Birthday to the one who shall not be blogged about.

Oh yeah, PS, we have a sitter until at least Feb. I'm so happy today is Lillian's last day at Nana's!

Want me to make you something special?

My good bloggy friend Kimbo is going to make me something special because I signed up on her blog, now it's your turn to get something special from me!

The first 5 people to respond to this blog will get something made especially for them, by me, *who wouldn't want that?!

So here's the "games" mumbo jumbo:

• I have one year to get you your special gift - It really shouldn't take that long**
• What I make you will be one of a kind***
• You won't know what it is until it arrives at your doorstep****
• You have to repost this on your blog and do the same for the first 5 responses to you

Disclaimers:
*there is no guarantee that you will like what I send you, ,
**with me hopefully moving in the next month or so I'm not making any promises on a quick turn around, but it won't be a year
***unless I like it so much I later make one for myself too
**** At this point I have no idea what it is either!

Sharing the Love

I love my Bloggy friends! You all keep me in perspective and I'm so glad you share your view on things with me. Really helps me understand why people do things some times.

I really don't have much to write about today, or maybe I'm just too tired to think, but it's probably a good thing after the novel I posted yesterday.

Last night we helped my sister move some of her stuff to school and then went to Sam's Club. I was really disappointed to find they didn't have the diapers I like in bulk, but oh well. I think she's too close to growing out of the ones they did have anyway.

It was nice to go to dinner with my sister afterwards. And Lillian was soooo good! Well, until we got in the car for the 40 minute drive home. Then she started crying and cried almost the whole way. I felt so bad, but I knew pulling over wasn't going to do any good cause she just wanted her bed. When I got her home and in the house she started smiling instantly. We cuddled extra long before bed even though it was late. I took some pics of her in the cutest outfit yesterday, but I don't have the cord for the camera so you'll have to wait for those, but here's some from the other day...

Not Always Sunshine and Rainbows

One of my favorite quotes is "If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain," by Steven Wright. It's so true.

I read a blog today from a woman who is going to take a break from her blog and one of the reasons is because she feels bad posting her honest feelings about being a mommy. Cause lets face it, there are rough times that come with being a mommy. I told myself from the beginning of this blog that I would never sugar coat how I feel and I'd be completely honest, which I have done.

The thing is though, I look back now, to after my miscarriage and realize that I was one of those women who couldn't imagine how some one could complain about being a mommy. And truthfully I want to smack myself upside the head and say "get real girl, it's not all sunshine and rainbows!" It doesn't matter how much you want to become a mommy and what you go through to get there, the reality is that being a mommy isn't always easy and it comes with a lot of emotions, and most of the time its a constant roller coaster. And I'm guessing even more so when you've had to wait in line for that roller coaster longer than most.

What those women don't seem to realize is that just because we have a complaint it doesn't mean that we aren't over the moon to be able to have something to complain about. Every rough moment I have as a mommy is always blanketed by the fact that I love my little girl more than anything in the world and would do anything for her. I really wish I could come up with a great metaphor, but I can't, there is just nothing that compares to the love and yes frustration of being a mommy. That being said, I'm gonna rant a little bit, after all that is why I made this blog private.

On Sunday we went to my FIL's house for a cookout to celebrate his birthday. His wife is the MIL that I seem to have issues with. Well Aunt J (my MIL's sister) walks in and realizes I'm there with Lillian and says "Oh I am going to get to see her again before she graduates!" I just kind of laugh it off. Then she sees me taking pictures of Lillian and says "Maybe after today there will be pictures of her and this set of grandparents on her website?" I said "Maybe, if I have enough energy to take the pictures." Then after the BBQ we are sitting in the living room and I'm picking up Lillian's toys and Aunt J says "boy do I remember what it's like having to pack up a diaper bag to go some where, what a pain."

Here's my bitch, she never calls to see what we are doing, and I know she frequents the bar (not like an alcoholic or anything, but she normally stops in for one or two with her friends after work), why doesn't call and say "hey would it be ok if I stopped over for a bit?" or "what are you up to tonight, thought maybe we could visit for a few minutes?" But no, instead she just bitches about not getting to see her, even when she knows what a pain in the ass it is to take her somewhere (meaning packing toys and clothes and all the "in case" stuff). And as for pictures with the grandparents, it's not my fault that when they stop by to see her it's normally almost bed time and the last thing I feel like doing is take pictures. And we don't normally go visit on the weekends cause all they do is sit around and watch TV. If she really looked at the pictures with the other grandparents she'd realize they are on the boat, in the pool, or doing something. And my mom invites us over for dinner all the time, they don't, not my fault. I'm not going to call up and say "Hey do you want to cook us dinner? I'll bring Lillian over if you do!" And besides that it can be a pain to pack her up so why would I want to do it more than I have to!

Ok only one more rant and then I'll stop torturing you! I didn't work Monday cause I was sick so I kept Lillian home with me. Well yesterday when I dropped her off to Nana, she asked "how are things coming along with a new sitter?" (like she has been for about a week now). I told I planned on stopping at the day care center in the after noon to see if they have heard anything. So she says "Oh ok, cause we are leaving Monday for vacation." I was in shock, how could she tell me only a week before she's leaving?!?! And she doesn't even know how long she's going to be gone, a week, a month, they haven't decided yet. Not that it really matters cause once she's done this week she will be done for good, even if I have to take time off from work. Yesterday when I picked Lillian up it was over 80* out and Nana had her in long sleeves and pants. Yes the house was closed up and the fan was on, but I was still warm in there and it isn't the first time she's done this. At first I thought maybe she messed her clothes and that's all that was left, but nope, no dirty clothes.

Then when I took her out of her seat at the day care center I realized she smelled like baby powder, I don't use anything on her that smells like baby powder and especially NOT POWDER. It's suggested to wait until they are a year old before using powder because their respiratory system can't handle the powder. And she wonder's why she sounds congested and raspy some times, probably because she has powder in her throat! The way I would be as a sitter, I wouldn't give or use anything on the baby that the mother hadn't requested or it wasn't in the diaper bag. It makes me wonder if she started giving Lillian cereal even though I told her I wasn't yet. Oh and she seems to second guess everything my pediatrician says.

On a positive note, I'm interviewing a lady tomorrow afternoon to start watching Lillian, and the even better news is that Lillian would be the only child other than her own and she can start next week!

But my little angel is worth all the stress cause the little smile she gives me and the coos when she's done breastfeeding are worth any stress in the world!

Here she is loving her time with Pop-Pop and Great-Grandma...

4 Months Old

I can't believe Lillian is now 4 months old!


Length: 25 inches (approximately 1.5 in from last month, 85%)
Weight: 14lbs 12oz (up 2lb 9oz from last month, 78%)


Lillian is learning and improving new skills every day.

• She can now roll from her belly to her back, but only when she wants to, and she's trying hard to go from her back to her belly
• She can now put her binkie in her mouth by herself (as long as its the right way in her hand), but finds it easier to just grab it with her mouth whenever possible.
• She is really improving her eye hand coordination and grabbing on to things quite well.
• She lets me know when she's ready to be put in her crib at night. We read stories and then rock and when she's ready she turns to me, whines a little and tries to stretch out, that's when it's time to be laid down.
• She now enjoys the shower head in the tub, she actually grabs for the running water.
• She went swimming for the first time this month
• And she started teething this month, but nothing has popped through yet.

I really can't believe we are a quarter of the way through her first year of life. She still has very little interest in sitting, but loves to stand and will make sure you know it. At her appointment the pediatrician said it is ok to start her on cereal once a day, but I'm not sure I'm ready for that yet. She certainly isn't starving on just the breast milk so I think we will wait a little longer for the cereals.

Here are a few shots of her beautiful smile that I caught on Sunday, which I will blog more about at a later date...

PS~ Let me know what you think of the new design and if the text is hard to read or not.

This Morning

My tired little girl...

Loose Ends

Not to much to write about today, same old, same old. Well I guess it's not really old, but it's the same as yesterday. I found that the two things that work best for her teeth is the frozen binkie and anything active. If we walk around with her she's happy, if we put her in her exersaucer she's happy long enough to shove some food in my mouth, and I'm happy with that!

We watch the Bee movie last night and though I can't stand the sound of Jerry Seinfeld's voice it was a pretty cute movie, and Lillian loved all the yellow and black. I'm a little worried we are getting back into the habit of fall asleep on mommy's boob again so we're going to have to work on that tonight.

On the daycare front I stopped at the center a few blocks from my house and they are currently full, but the lady said that she would put me at the top of the list because I need the care ASAP. It sounded like the others on the list don't need it for a while. There is one lady that is finding out how long her husband is going to be laid off before she take the baby out. I hate to sound mean and normally I would never wish some one to be laid off for long, but in this case I'm (not so) secretly hoping it long enough for her to take the baby out of day care.

Well I didn't really tie up any loose ends, but there's the update on all the things going on...

This is what the heat does to my little girl...

I really wish I had remembered my camera cause she looked so cute and the phone pictures just aren't the same

Teething

Lillian is in full swing teething mode now. Last night was a little rough on her.

It's funny cause Nana has been telling me that her teeth were bothering her, but she wasn't really showing me any signs besides drooling until last night. She was good when we got home, she ate and then played in her swing talking to her sheep for a half hour or so (I just love watching this!). And of course just as dinner arrived she started screaming. Not much made her happy, the binkie worked for a second or two and then she'd cry again. I've been against using Orajel for fear of it numbing more than just her gums and tried it anyway, she HATED it! Made her cry so we put some water in the binkie and froze it, she loved it! She stopped crying right away and even smiled once it was in her mouth. Problem, it melts pretty fast, so now we have a stock of freezing binkies in the freezer.

Of course the boob also works too. She has stopped eating and was lighting sucking last night so I tried to replace the boob with a binkie, yeah she wasn't having that, she started screaming, so back in with the boob! Any other suggestions on soothing her? I gave her Tylenol before bed and she slept fine, but I don't want her taking Tylenol all day!

Swimming at Grandma's
Trying to stay cool with daddy

Funny Face...

On another note, I think my first official post pardum menstral cycle has started and man does it suck! I used to get cramps and a sore back the day of, maybe the day before, but not this time, it's been a frickin week almost! Ugh

Less talk more pictures...

Last night we ended up going to my mom's. It was nice and refreshing to jump in the pool (even though the only clean suit I had was a bikini (YUK!). Lillian seemed to enjoy it. She smiled a few times and the rest of the time she just seemed to like not being hot and sweaty.

We did some tummy time for as long as mommy could get her to stay on her tummy and we danced around the kitchen while grandma worked on dinner. After she ate she was tired from the excitement and being so hot so she just sat in mommy's lap while mommy ate. Daddy was wonderful and cut up mommy's steak and buttered her corn so she could eat with one hand. It wasn't much for an anniversary celebration, but it was all I could ever ask for.

I had something else I was going to blog about this morning, but I can't remember what it was now. Is it weird that write out my blogs in my head while I'm brushing my teeth in the morning?

So here are some pics of my wonderful life...

She loves her seahorse

Check out the bow mommy made for me!

My little tomboy

And a few more of my favorite portraits...

Lessons in Mommyhood

Saturday both B and I got some lessons in Mommyhood.

After breakfast with my grandparents and taking them up to see our new house we decided to head to the lake and go out on the boat with my mom and Johnny (her fiance). On the way there though B started getting miserable and I don't really know why. So when we got there Lillian was sleeping, but as we were walking to the boat she woke up. We got going and I took her out of her seat and put sunscreen on her and her floating bathing suit. Check out how cute she is...

Once we were anchored at the beach I took that off and put her swimsuit and hat on her. I took her in the water and even though it was chilly at first in only a few seconds she enjoyed it fully.

Brian held her while I walked to the beach to find my aunt, she had the floaties that my mom had bought for Lillian. But by the time we found her and got back (a long boring story) Lillian was hungry and tired. She refuses to take a bottle from me, so B fed her and laid her down for a nap. I had started drinking at this point and was getting a little buzz. B stayed on the boat with her and took care of her.

When we got back I changed Lillian and B and I got in a little tiff because he couldn't find his phone and he had an attitude with me, like it was my fault or something. He found his phone and went outside leaving me with Lillian. I went to go out and sit around with the family, but there were no chairs when I opened the door so I closed it and went back inside (it was cooler in there anyway). He came in and sat with me. After letting Lillian play in the mirror we decided to head outside. She played in her exersaucer and we just hung around. While I was making a drink Lillian started fussing and B picked her up. When I walked back over he handed her to me and said "I either need to eat or take a nap, I'm going to lay down." I just stared at him, I couldn't believe what he was saying. He realized I was upset and said "I'll take her with me." I said "she's not going to nap, she just woke up a half hour ago." He took her anyway and went inside. I walked off because I was upset and a few minutes later he followed me. He said he doesn't get me lately. He said a few other things that I was too upset to remember and walked off again saying he wasn't going to fight with me. I walked t0 our Jeep which was away from the camp site and opened the back and sat down. I got even more upset with myself because I was continuing to drink. I don't like using drinking as a coping mechanism. B walked up as I threw my drink to the ground. He said he was sorry but he was tired and hungry. He said he was doing this for me so I could have a good time, and I understood that, but explained to him I'd been having little anxiety attacks all day because I know what it feels like to be in the position and I didn't want him to feel that way. After that we went and hung out with the family and I started doing the things for him that I wished he'd do for me.

We left around 10 after he cooked for everyone and I got Lilly to sleep. On the way home we talked again and he apologized for his first little spat again and said that after he realized what he said about being tired and hungry he felt really bad and realized I go through that all the time. I told him I was glad that he now understands and I don't ever want him to feel like again, but I won't be the only one to feel that way. I think he really understands now what it's like to be the only one taking care of her, not to mention doing that and watching the other one "get their drink on". Of course I also got the lesson in how much it sucks for the other one to want to leave when you're having a good time. Personally, I'd take having to leave over being stressed any day!

So today is our 2 year anniversary and it's supposed to be 90 and humid with a feels like temp or around 100. This means B is going to be on a roof where its probably going to feel some where around 110-120 all day, I'm really not expecting much tonight. My mom has offered for us to come over swimming and she'd watch Lillian and make dinner for us if we want. We might take her up on it depending on how he's feeling when we get home.

Here's a few more pics of my little angel. I'll post the swimming pictures once they are sent to me...

Giant Leaps

Yup that's right, we made some major improvements last night, or at least the beginning of some.

My grandparents came over for dinner so this may be part of the reason for such a great night, but that's ok. When I got home I picked up as long as I could before Lillian insisted on being fed. While I fed her B did the dishes, ran to the store and showered. We had a great time visiting with my grandparents and his mom who stopped by. About 7:30 everyone was gone and Lillian was ready to eat again. He actually sat in the living room talking with me while I fed her! Then I suggested that he help me give her a bath, he said ok.

So I took her in her room and he came in and I said why don't you get her undressed (he hates doing anything with her head) He said I really don't like to and I told him well it's that or start running the water. He said I'll do that until I mentioned "I thought you'd be too afraid you'd burn her." He said "You're right, it would probably be too cold, I'll get her undressed". And not surprisingly he did just fine. He brought her in and I was sitting on the side of the tub and he acted like he was going to give her to me. I said go ahead and lay her down, it's just like laying her anywhere else. And he was like "I thought I'd just watch." I said "You can do this, it's not that hard." And he ended up giving his first bath. I actually think he was proud when he was done. I know I was!

Even if he doesn't do these things every night, I think it's important for him to know that he can and to not be afraid to do it.

Starting last Sunday Lillian has started screaming at night when we sit in the rocker to go to bed. She calms some if I get up and walk with her. At first I thought it was from the not pooping, but she has gone at least once a day everyday since Monday and is still acting like this at night. Then I thought, maybe it's the teething. But last night she was absolutely fine until I turned the lights down and sat in the chair. So I decided to try laying her on her play mat. This made her very happy. So basically she just didn't want to go to bed. I let her play for about 15 minutes and then decided that if she wanted to play she could do it in her crib. I put her in her crib, turned on the mobile and left her there. She watched the mobile and stared at her bumper (that she loves) and 20 minutes later she wined that she lost her Binky and wanted to be on her stomach. So I helped her, turned on her seahorse and she was out in 5 minutes! I'm going to try and let her put herself to sleep tonight.

And I got my CD of pics from Penny's yesterday, I'm going to restrict myself from posting them all at once, so here's a taste of my little sweet thing...

Can you believe it was her nap time?

A Small Step

in the right direction.

B was fine with not going to help his friend last night and in fact they had plenty of people to help so there was no need for either of us to feel bad about not helping out a friend. I had talked to our friend Heather in the afternoon and she told me she had a softball game at 6:30. She hadn't met Lillian yet so I suggested to B that we go. He agreed and I told him that those are the types of things we can do with friends as a family. Not go some where and he's off with the guys doing something and I'm sitting with the girls. Anyway, he made dinner and showered while I fed Lillian and then he helped me get her ready to go. We got there early so we went to the playground. I swang with her and he took her down the slide (that didn't slide well). And then she enjoyed her first softball game.

When we got home he tried to take care of Lillian. I had to go to the bathroom really bad so I was trying to tell him things through the door like change her diaper and put her pjs on cause she was asleep but woke up when we brought her in. But he didn't hear me and she fell back asleep on his chest. Well I would have just put her in her crib, but she had pooped so there was no way I was letting her sleep in that all night. After I changed her he was going to put her to bed. And did good, he lasted through a good 15 minutes of her crying before he asked me to take her. And I told him I would and we'd work on it more because there WILL come a time when he needs to be able to put her to bed.

Oddly it even took me quite a while to get her calmed down and asleep last night. For some reason every time we sat in her chair she's start screaming, but if I was standing up she was happy. So that's what I did after several attempts as rocking. He also offered (and did) get her bottles around this morning so that I could shower in stead of having to do it last night.

So far no sign of the chicken pox! And the ped. said there is nothing we can do to prevent it so just keep a close watch.

And I got an email from the bank today, the lady that works for the loan company doing approvals was looking at the 2 person household income limits, not 3 and we fall well with the 3 person income limits. And this is why I love my bank, even after he had set up an appointment for me with another bank he worked to get me what I wanted. As nervous as this little mix up was I'm going back to my bank. For one because he did the extra work and for two, I know that even if my loan gets sold to another bank I will always deal with my bank and they will contact the company that "owns" the loan.

I think that's all for now. Except my grandparents are in town and I'm so excited to see them tonight!!!

These are some edits of a favorite picture, but I'm disappointed that you can't see her blue eyes as well in the smaller picture, I'll have to work on that!

Hit My Limit

I totally hit my limit with B yesterday.

Monday night he went fishing with his buddies from 2 until 9:30 while I took care of Lillian and the dogs and got groceries. Not to mention on top of that Lillian was having the pooping troubles and was pretty much miserable for 2 hours. When he got home at 9:30 it was only to tell me that he had to take his friend home who live a half hour away. I got upset and told him so and he said "why? It's not like I want to take him." I said "Cause I could really use your help, I didn't get to go out and have fun tonight." (the groceries, minus the milk, were still sitting on the floor from 2 hours earlier) and he says to me "Well I didn't have much fun." Like I'm supposed to care, it was his choice to go, not my fault it rained. He came home apologetic.

Yesterday morning he asked me if he can golf this weekend in a tournament. I explained our tight money situation and he kept trying to come up with excuses that he could so finally I said well it's more than about money and I don't want you to. He wrote back to me that it's fine he has to call Tommy (the guy that asked him to golf) about bowling this season anyway. So apparently he's told all his buddies that he's going to bowl with them again this year without even caring what I have to say. We've talked about it several times and he knows I don't want him to, but he's going to do it anyway.After saying he had to call Tommy about bowling we had this text conversation...
Me: You that's something we need to discuss
B: discuss what? how's your day going
Me: bowling, I feel antsy
B: well bowling starts in a month and we already have to find 1 guy so its kinda screwed up, y antsy?
Me: because we need to talk about stuff like bowling and money and other recreations
B:well I don't know
Me: don't know what?
B: about the bowling thing. the $ I save from not smoking should be enough to cover that
Me: Its not about $ completely and I haven't been giving you $ for smokes (I get all the $ then just give him what he needs and pay the bills)
B: whatever
Gee and he wonders why I'm antsy.

That was the last I heard from until I got home. And boy was he miserable! I understand he does physical labor in the heat and its tiring, but that doesn't mean that my job isn't stressful and tiring also. So knowing that I was unhappy he helped me out a lot last night. I even got to take a 20 minute shower and shave my legs and everything, before 9pm!!! But when we went to bed I thanked him for all his help, and said but we still need to talk. I told him I'm hurt, I feel like he never wants to be home and spend time with us. He just got mad at me and basically stopped listening to me. He got out of bed and went and sat on the porch. I followed him. He said something about working all day and being tired and I said I work too, and these days I feel like I work 24/7. He said I don't have to worry about anything anymore and I said that's just it I worry about everything. And then he wouldn't talk to me any more. I didn't even get everything out I wanted to say, but I don't really know if I want to keep this going right now or if I want to just wait and see what happens.

He was ok this morning after he realized he was going to have to be the one to make the first sign of wanting to interact. Then he asked me around 8:30 if we had plans because his friend needs to work on his roof tonight and wants his help and have a cookout. I just wrote him back "whatever, but this is exactly what I'm talking about" He said he doesn't really want to go, but said he would ask. I feel torn cause I want him to help his friend, I like his friend and his family, but I want my family time. I told him I don't want to go I want family time and especially if Lillian needs to get a shot today.

Oh yeah I almost forgot, Lillian was exposed to chicken pox on Monday, the little girl was holding her so it was a close exposure. And on top of that she's teething.

And to add to the stress when I got to work this morning I had an email saying the loan for the house may be falling through because we make too much money.

And I thought today was going to be better...

Ahh and all is right with the world again, at least until I close this page!

The sad side

Along with the wonderful news yesterday of my friends pregnancy came the realization that there is one of us still waiting.

See back in Sept. 07 I joined the "What to Expect" Trying to Conceive forum. Upon joining I made some wonderful acquaintances and some even more wonderful friends. We had a tight knit group that went through a lot of ups and downs. Along with me a few of the girls suffered from miscarriage, some of them more than one. Others just needed a little boost in egg production, and a few other needed IUIs and IVF. 2009 has been a great year for all of us, except the one girl with the "Perfect Cycles". Every month we'd look at her charts and think wow, you timed things perfectly and this has to be it. But month after month she was disappointed. And sadly 2 years later she is still getting disappointed, she is suffering from male infertility. Her first IVF failed and she has just started her first FET.

Even though she is so happy for the rest of us her heart is still aching and she is feeling alone. I can understand that. I'm not going to pretend I know what its like to go through IVF or the thought of it never working, but my heart aches for her.

Please keep Murgdan in you prayers, thoughts, or whatever your preference, she could use some support right now. And she was always the one to lift us up when we were down.

Just another Manic Monday...

First I have to start with saying CONGRATULATIONS!!! to a wonderful and deserving couple, Dawn and Al, Dawn and I began trying around the same time and it has taken her 3 IUIs and 5 IVFs to get pregnant. I'm wishing her a happy and healthy 9 months and beyond!


As for me, it's going to be a busy day, lots of things to get done. First and most importantly is to call the pediatrician. My poor little girl hasn't had a bowel movement in a week now. I wasn't really paying attention since her normal had become every two days, but when she got fussy last night and started eating less more often I thought about it and her last messy diaper was last Sunday. No wonder the poor girl is uncomfortable. I feel so bad for her, but she's such a wonderful baby that she's all smiles unless she gets in a position that makes her uncomfortable.

**UPDATE**
Talked to the pediatrician's nurse and he said to give her 4 Tbls prune juice in 4oz breast milk 4 times today. And to coninue tomorrow if she still hasn't gone. If she has gone back down to 3 Tbl in 3 bottles and then one less bottle every day until she doesn't get it any more. He also said that if she hasn't gone by tomorrow afternoon that they want to see her. So here's hoping it works!
**UPDATE**

**UPDATE ON UPDATE**
It worked!!! She didn't like it and Nana had to trick her by switching between bottles, but she's already had a bowel movement and is much happier!
**UPDATE ON UPDATE**

I got our portraits back from Penny's but I'm really upset because they didn't put the CD I paid for in the envelope. So now I have to call and complain about that! Also have to do other little things like call around looking for a sitter and paying the hospital bills from having my little angel!


Hope everyone has a wonderful Monday!

Not the greatest quality has I had to brighten it, but I just love her expression...

Choose one...

Thanks... or
When it counts.... or
The Ponytail... or
A Working Moms Hygiene... or
Are You Serious?

First off thanks for all the wonderful comments over the last few days. I've been very irritated and it's been great to know that it's not just me being a spoiled bitch. And I am feeling a little better today.

Which brings me to title number 2... When It Counts...
I went home from work at 11 yesterday, but because I'm me I first stopped to get a Creamsicle Smoothie for my sore throat (and being a nice daughter I got one for my mom too) and I stopped to see my mom and signed my bank papers. I was feeling a little worse so I decided not to take them to the bank and stop at the Library like I originally planned though. I went home, pumped, ate and went to bed where I slept until 4 when B got home. He woke me up asked if I wanted him to get Lilly and then went and got her. I fed her laying down when they got home and then Daddy took her to the new house to walk around the woods and see if they could see signs of deer. I ordered a calzone and ice cream (2 pints cause I couldn't decided between Cookie dough and Peanut Butter Cup). Is it bad I ordered that Calzone just cause they deliver Ben and Jerry's? So I ate and pumped and went back to the bed. I was just dozing off again when they got home. My little girl was hungry so I fed her again and B told me they only walked around the yard because he was afraid there might be bugs in the woods and he didn't want her to get bit up. (Made mommy very happy!) So she ate and fell asleep. That's when I realized it was 8 and her bed time. I got her ready for bed, read to her and put her down, she was asleep by 8:15. I had some ice cream and NyQuil (no not together) and was passed out by 8:45 I'm feeling better this morning and I'm really happy that B stepped up some when it counted. I would have like him to wash the bottles and do the dishes, but I'm not gonna complain, we'll take baby steps. But me going to bed so early brings me to the next two titles...

The Ponytail and A Working Mom's Hygiene...
The ponytail has become a staple of my daily attire for so many reasons. First off it's easy to do and you don't even really need to brush your hair if you can get the outside to look flat. Two, it hides the fact that my hair is in desperate need of a cut. And lastly, but most importantly it hides my complete lack of personal hygiene. Yes it has been two days since I've had a shower and I feel gross, but guess what I ran out of time yet again this morning. Don't get me wrong I don't stink or anything, my hair just looks gross and I feel like a dirt bag. But hey I've washed my face cause I'd rather just look like a normal dirt bag than a pubescent dirt bag... I really can't wait for tonight when I can stay up later to shower because I don't have to worry about getting up in the morning. My daughter is wonderful and sleeps in on the weekends too! So yup, I'm a dirt bag today and proud of it! My daughter is clean and healthy and totally worth it!

And lastly....
Are You Serious???
All I can say is I've been through the frustration of having to pop the binkie back in every 5 minutes, but it would never bring me to this!!! How many things can you come up with that could go wrong???
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Binky-Buddy/115232326978?v=info&viewas=722319774#/pages/Binky-Buddy/115232326978?v=wall&viewas=722319774

Friday?

Is it Friday yet???

So yesterday afternoon I started to get a scratchy throat. I pretty much ignored it, but within a few hours it was horrible. Now I feel like crap this morning, my whole head is starting to hurt and I really just want to climb back in bed, is it Friday afternoon yet?

A few bullets to sum up the last 24 hours...

~ I feel like crap!
~ Mortgage approval is looking good so far
~ B vacuumed last night! Of course it was after I told him he couldn't go look for deer because it needed to be done.
~ Then B napped and I was left to tend to dinner and Lillian
~ I let dinner get a little over done cause Lillian wanted to eat and I wanted to teach B a lesson
~ I put Lillian in her crib before she was really ready last night and told B he had to get her to sleep. He did with minimal frustration, I took NyQuil and went to bed at 8:30!
~ NyQuil didn't work, I feel worse this morning.
~ Why do I think of all the stuff I need to do when I'm sick?
~ Lillian's pictures should be in at Penny's, but that's a half hour drive
~ My library book I requested is in and needs to be picked up
~ I have papers I need to sign and take to the bank...

My poor brain can't handle everything else, hope everyone has a great day!

Finding the Words...

I don't know if I can even begin to explain to you how I felt last night. Its kind of strange because I wasn't as upset as the night before, but then again that may just be cause I had let out some of the frustration already.


After picking Lillian up from the sitter's we went to visit with her Nana, who thankfully agreed to watch her again until I can find permanent day care. B called while we were there to say he was home and getting in the shower. So we headed home. B was just getting in the shower, but Nana had given her a bottle so she let me take care of the pumped milk and then we played, but she decided she was still hungry so she ate some more. By the time she was finished it was 6:30 and B had fallen asleep on the couch. So I put her in her exersaucer so I could start making dinner. B woke up though when I smashed my finger in the lazy susan cupboard door. He got me ice and went back to the couch. I said to him "you can take her in there and play with her if you want" he says "well I can't lift that thing with her in it." And I told him "just slide it on the floor" so he did. He played with her for a while and then said to me "I think she's getting tired." So I gave him the option of giving her a bath or watching dinner in the oven and doing the dishes. He chose dinner. Sop I got her ready for bed and dinner was just coming out of the oven. Of course now she wanted to eat. So B looks at me and says do you mind if I eat? I said "no, but if you get my food I can eat too." So he gets my food, but brings me a knife to cut my own meat. Whatever, I eat my potatoes and when she is done eating I ask him to take her so I can finish eating. He reluctantly took her because he's never put her to bed before so he doesn't know how she likes to be held or anything, so I set him up and went back to my dinner. And believe it or not she fell asleep! I thanked him and took her to bed. Then I went out to the kitchen and started doing dishes (from dinner and the bottles cause he didn't do those). He came out and apologized for not doing them. Then he grabbed a pudding and went back to the livingroom. After a few minutes I hear Lillian screaming and I look at him and say "Is she crying?" And he looks at me and says "Oh yeah". I was pissed, she never screams like that because I don't let her wake up enough to scream like that, all she wants is her binkie back and she isn't doing that herself yet. But at any rate, he was in the livingroom with the monitor and I was in the kitchen standing in front of an air conditioner running on high and running water and I heard her but he didn't? I don't even know the words to explain how upset I was with him. She never just starts screaming like that. I didn't say anything though cause I probably would have said some things I couldn't take back and it would have been bad. I showed him how to calm her down and went back to the dishes. He got her calmed down and back to sleep and came out and said "I'm going to bed, are you coming?" I had just started washing the bottles and I said "No I have to finish this and then shower." He's like "you're showering? Why, just wait til morning." Me, "Umm I'm showering cause it's been almost 2 days and I'm gross and I don't have time in the morning." Do you think he offered to finish the bottles? Nope definitely not! He was asleep when I got out of the shower...


Sorry for the rants two days in a row, I promise I'll stop and have something happy tomorrow, I hope, I meet with the bank today.


Here's another eyefull of my cutie pie...

Everything Wrong and Something Right

Well last night was horrible! A little back ground of my day... I played phone tag with the bank guy most of the day and the last message he left me was "I've asked Tom (the realtor) for some more information before we move forward. I want to make sure the insurance company will accept the property before we do too much because they don't always accept it." Yeah not what I wanted to hear. Then B took it that I was ok with him going fishing because "they'd probably be back pretty early cause the kids were going". Well whatever at that point I was ticked no matter what so I just let him go.

So I picked Lillian up from the sitter and I was a little upset to see that she still had her long sleeves and pants on (it was 80 yesterday!), I had put them on over her other shorts jumper cause it was only 60 when we left in the morning., but whatever. She was very tired and kinda cranky. We stopped to see my mom on the way home cause she had called. Well while I was in with my mom the bank guy called again. Then I get home (it's not even 2 minutes away from my mom) and the dogs are jumping all over and Lillian's crying cause she's tired and hungry and I've got to pee so bad. So I leave her in her seat and go to the bathroom and send B a text asking if he let the dogs out while he was home, nope! So when I'm doing going to the bathroom I'm trying to put my milk away and the bottle she didn't drink, she's crying, I start crying and I'm trying to let the dogs out and get the message the bank guy left in case I need to call before they close. I finally sent B a text saying "Gee thanks" And told him I can't take care of everything on my own and that's why he needs to be home at night. He says he knows and he's sorry. So the night goes on, I feed her and we play a little and I get her in her exersaucer long enough to do the dishes. Now she's done with that and wants mommy. We play for about 5 minutes and she starts screaming at me, it's about 7 and time to eat again. When she's done eating we start watching Finding Nemo and I realize she's about to fall asleep so I put her jammies on her a little early. But she starts dozing off and then screaming over and over. Finally a little after 8 the gas meds start to work and I get her down and she's out. So I start making dinner and B calls "do you know who won the race." I said "No?" "Didn't you get my text?" Me, "umm, no" B "well apparently you're miserable." Me, "No, I'm ok, what time do you think you'll be home?" B "well it will be late now that I know you're in a terrible mood." I lost it, I just started bawling. He got pissed said something rude and I just said bye and hung up. After 5 minutes of bawling my eyes out I sent him a text saying "I don't know what I did to deserve that but thanks for making a rough night even worse". It really irritated me too that after telling him everything that was going on earlier he even asked me to find out who won the race. Anyway I composed myself and continued cooking dinner and he called back and apologized. He said he didn't know Lillian wasn't feeling good and wanted to know if she was ok and so on. Then he said they'd be home in a little bit. He called again around 9:30 saying they were leaving. So I ended up passing out before he got there and I didn't hear a thing all night. I woke up with a pounding headache from crying so hard last night and it won't go away. Then this morning I told him he shouldn't leave the boat propped up the way it is cause if the dogs wrap the cable around the board holding it up it could fall on them and kill them (break their back or something), but I made sure to watch them last night. He said to me "well you could have put it down last night, it's not that heavy." And this just got me upset all over again this morning!

If you're still reading, sorry for the long rant but I had to get it off my chest...

Oh and the good news is the last message from the bank was that he got the info he needed and he's confident the insurance company and bank with accept the property!

And now for something else that makes me happy...

We Got It!!!

Well as you know we found the house we wanted to make an offer on. I talked to the bank and the realtor on Friday and things were looking good. We planned to meet with the realtor on Saturday to finalize the offer and sign it. Well, because nothing can be easy, this didn't happen. We met first thing Sunday morning and he faxed the offer to the guy at 10:00am. We told them the offer would only be good until 6pm. They called the realtor back within and hour saying they accepted the offer!! We are so excited, I can't believe we are going to own our own home and our own land! According to the contract, the closing should be no later than Sept. 30. I just can't wait to start moving! I finally feel like things are falling together!

As for Lillian, she's rolling over (front to back) a lot now. I tried all weekend to get it on video, but she wouldn't have it. If I leave the room she'll be rolled over when I get back, but no way can I catch it on camera!