4 Week Random Thoughts

Well, maybe they aren't quite random cause they are consuming my brain, but to you they will probably seem random.

Having experienced a miscarriage with my first pregnancy, taking 9 months to get pregnant again, and then 19 months to get pregnant a second time, well I'm sure you can imagine it's a whirlwind of emotions in me, or I was expecting it to be.

With my first pregnancy, I didn't know miscarriage was so common. And although we told everyone at 5 weeks I didn't feel like I was going to have a baby. It just didn't feel real to me. I don't know if it was subconscious or what, but I wasn't all that shocked when I lost the baby at 7 weeks. Something just didn't feel right.

With Lillian, it felt right. I had moments where I felt like the other foot was going to drop, but generally I felt like I was going to have a baby. Not physically, but mentally and emotionally. I feel that way this time too. I feel like I'm going to be having a baby. It seems real to me that in March (or if it's anything like Lillian in February) I will be bringing home a new member to our family.

What is getting me though is how I will feel if this does become a nightmare and not the wonderful dream it is right now. I'm feeling so much confidence in this pregnancy, even with an increased chance of miscarriage from the fluid, that if it does happen I will crushed, devastated, inconsolable.

Enough of that. I'm so happy and excited because I WILL be bringing home a baby (a boy I think) next year.

So for this pregnancy I have decided I'm am going to be active. I am going to keep my weight down! With Lillian I was so scared that exercising and such in the beginning was going to make me lose her that I didn't do it. Then by the time I thought it would be ok, I just didn't have the energy to get back into it. So this time, things are going to be different. Although I'm going to take a step back and only jog and walk, I'm going to continue to do my morning work outs paying closer attention to my heart rate and how hot I am. This morning I went 1.8 miles on the treadmill. I'm also going to make sure that what I eat is healthy, and not just carbs. I can tell already that the nausea I had with Lillian (which was all day) is going to be nothing compared to what I'm going to have this time. I'm pretty sure I've been having it since the day this bean started to implant and it's only starting to last longer. If anyone has good suggestions to for easy to bring to work snacks that are good for nausea, I'd love to hear them!

I guess I'll stop rambling now. I did weigh myself this morning and will update every week on how things are going.

I Could Cry

Last night I had been thinking over and over about if I wanted to test or not. Finally while we were eating dinner I decided that if I had a test I may as well use it. So I told B "If I have a test I'm going to test in the morning." I could see the wheels turning in his mind so I said "To see if our sex marathon worked." He just said "Oh, ok."

Men just don't get how taxing it is on a woman to see BFN after BFN and how scary it is to sit there waiting by yourself. So I found a test, but it was a First Response, not a cheap dollar store test like what I was hoping to find. I wasn't sure I wanted to use it. Those suckers are expensive you know. But I put that and a cup out anyway, just in case I changed my mind.

Before going to bed I decided that if my temp went up in the morning and I had no signs of AF or anything that I would test.

**Warning, if you don't want to know personal information skip to the end**

This morning when I took my temp I had to check it 3 times before I was sure I read it right. I mean it was 4am and the only light was the TV. I went in looked at the test and decided well, I'll pee in the cup, still unsure of if I wanted to test or not.

There was no sign of AF when I wiped so I decided to check my cervix. Low, hard and closed. I don't know what I was thinking, that it would be a sure sign or something, but whatever.

So I bit the bullet, opened the test and dipped it. I watched it for a second and wasn't even sure it was going to process. I went and put the toothpaste on my toothbrush and started brushing my teeth. I wandered back over to the table by the toilet where the test was sitting and looked to see if it even processed.

**This is the end**

So it's tears of joy I could cry. Please pray that this little bean sticks. We certainly aren't out of the woods yet.

I Resisted!

Yup that's right, I didn't test this morning. Although I did think about it, I was just too tired and had to go too bad to look for an HPT. I won't lie, part of me wishes I had tested because I hate the feeling that anything I feel all day could be real or all in my head. According to Fertility Friend, tomorrow is the last day of my average LP. I actually think it is today because I'm pretty sure I O'd the night before my temp rise. Either way, I'd really like to wait it out until Thursday, I just don't know if that is going to happen.

I'm definitely having IPS (Imaginary Pregnancy Symptoms). Passing nausea, slight cramping, and my bbs are itchy. Yeah I know sounds weird, but they are. On the other hand, signs of AF, break out on face, slight cramping. I'm really trying not to get my hopes up.

If you would like to vote for Lillian in the Parent's Magazine Cover contest please click here. There's no signing up and it only takes a second. You can vote once a day from every computer/phone! Right now she's in 98, but I'm hoping with repeat voters we can get her up to the top.

Help Lillian Win!

Lillian is in a photo contest to get a photo shoot in NYC and be on the cover of Parent's.Magazine! Please help her out and vote for her. It's easy, there's no signing up or giving email addresses or anything. Just click here and vote!

Measuring Time

We all measure time. Some times it's a count down to an event or date. Like I've been counting down to my sister's 21st birthday. Which is now only 5 days away (counting today)! And some times we measure by saying "it's been # weeks since..." Did you know it's been 26 weeks since Christmas???

It's strange that I can pretty much remember every cycle that I truly thought I was pregnant. I know it's been 26 weeks since Christmas because my friend got her BFP on Christmas. I can't believe she's 30 weeks already! This also means that if I had been pregnant like I would have swore I was on New Years, I would be 29 weeks now. I still remember the day AF showed up and the feeling of defeat I had and wondering if I had been imagining all those symptoms.

I have been doing quite well this cycle trying not to think about things. Of course it helps that I've been feeling weak and tired anyway. But since Wednesday and Thursday last week, it has been difficult to not wonder. See I was 5 and 6 dpo and had some spotting. Nothing like AF, just a few brown spots on the TP. Now of course I was also dealing with a YI (and if you don't know what that is, you probably don't want to). Anyway, this weekend I've had a few pains in my cervix that stopped me in my tracks and made me take deep breaths. If this means anything, I have no idea, but at 12 weeks with Lillian I went to the ER because I was having cervical pain and was worried about a miscarriage. In any event I've had some very slight come and go cramping, could be AF, could be my imagination, could be just about anything. I am going to try my best and hold out until Thursday before I test. And I'm also going to try and convey my daily thoughts and feelings to you, the internets, if hopes of shedding some light on the emotions an infertile goes through.

Happy Monday everyone. I could really use any baby dust you have to spare.

Scattered Thoughts

I'm not really sure what I want to blog about today, but I have a million little things running around in my head. So, here's the ever dreaded bullet point post....

• I love thunderstorms and I wish I was at home and able to sit on my couch and watch and listen to this morning's storm. Instead, I got my second shower of the day while walking into work. Yup, been here 40 minutes and my hair and pants are still damp.


• I have a million and one ideas for my shop in my head, but can't seem to get one of them to completion and it's driving me crazy! Oh and if you haven't yet, visit My Shop or My Shop's Blog


• I don't have mono, but I also don't know what's causing this exhaustion and weakness.


• My exhaustion and weakness is making me feel like a horrible mother because I can't seem to do anything with Lillian in the evenings.


• I need to get back on my weight loss track. Even though I'm maintaining quite well, I need to eat a little better, I've been slacking.


• I have so much to get done around my house that I don't know where to begin, or even want to. And my husband doesn't seem to understand that if we keep going places and doing things on the weekend, none of it is ever going to get done!

Well, I don't know if that helped me any, but you wanted to know what was running around in my head, right???? Sure you did.

Have a great day!

50:40

That was my time in the Chase 3.5 mile run last night. Well that was my official time anyway that I had to report.

They were only about 10 people short of 7000 entries into the Challenge. Although I wasn't late, when I got there, I didn't have time to wait in the line to relieve my hydration efforts from the day.

I lined up at the 12 min mile marker and waited and waited to get going. I probably actually could have waited in the bathroom line and made it out in time to start. By the time I actually got to the start/finish line the clock was already at just over 3 minutes. I was very disappointed in myself when I didn't even reach the 1 mile marker before I had to walk for a few minutes. After looking at my Nike+ watch I realized why though. I had been running at a pace 2 miles faster than what I normally run for a 3 miles. Not to mention it was 20 degrees warmer than what I am used to running in. I was overjoyed when I got close to the halfway point and saw Port-a-Johns. You bet I stopped, waited and finally got to go to the bathroom. The second half of the race was good besides the smell of skunk that made me want puke.

Overall I'm very proud of myself. It typically takes me 50 minutes to run the 3.5 miles, so considering the 3 minutes already on the clock when I crossed the start line and the 1-2 minute bathroom break, and walking I probably ran the 3.5 miles in 45 minutes. That's 5 minutes less than my average on the treadmill!

And I was so thankful to have my husband there at the finish line to cheer me on! As boring as it was for him I'm sure, it meant the world for him to be there and be so proud of me. He even told me again this morning how proud of me he was.

Oh and Lillian had fun with her Grandma and Grandpa too, especially when they went to visit Aunt Pocca at work (the ice cream shop)!

Race Day!

I'm not really complaining here, although some might say I am, but the number of labs I've had done in the last year is just too much. Now I know it could be way worse and some people do have it way worse, so I'm not complaining, but let's be honest, who wants to have their blood drawn at all.

I honestly don't even know how many times in the last year I've been to the lab, but I can say that everyone in there recognizes me now and says things like "back so soon?" Yeah it's crappy.

I bring this up because I really appreciate the thoughts on what may be going on with me. Yesterday Jenn suggested that I could have a problem with my thyroid. And honestly I've always thought I may have a problem with it, but the at least 3 times its been tested in the last year, it's come back normal. The last of those times being back in May with my fertility testing. And normally I'd get a second opinion, but considering that both my OB and GP (general practitioner) say that its ok, I'm going to believe them.

Please, feel free to leave me comments on anything you want to suggest may be the issue, or any experiences with exhaustion like I'm experiencing. I try to refrain from googling since all that does is make me anxious that I have some weird disease.

On to more important things like the title of this blog. It's Race Day!!! I'm running in the Cha.seCorpo.rateCha.llenge tonight and I'm totally excited! This is my first race and it's a 3.5 mile run rather than just a 5K (3 miles). I signed up because my boss here at work is heading up the team. Of course work paid for it and they are supplying a delicious meal afterwards. I also like the cause. This event "will benefit [local] not-for-profit organizations that support affordable, quality early care and education." The race I'm in will specifically benefit Child Care Solutions.

So please wish me luck that my energy will last until this evening and that it isn't too hot and humid, or storming...

Exhaustions and Confusion

Exhausted seems to be a permanent state for me right now. No matter what time I go to bed or get up I seem to be exhausted all the time. It's weird though. I get up at 4 am during the week so that I can get my at least 2 mile run in every day. I'm find during my run and while I'm getting myself and Lillian ready for the day. And typically I'm fine for the 5 minute drive to the sitters. But, by the time I leave the sitters and get heading to work, I'm exhausted, like to the point I can barely hold my eyes open. By the time I get close to work (it's a 20 minute drive) I'm fight myself to not let my eyes close.

Currently I'm sitting at my desk typing with my eyes so heavy they are falling shut, even while I type this. And caffeine has no effect! I seem to be ok if I'm up and active, but the minute I sit down for 5 minutes I just want to pass out. Considering I have a desk just and spend much of my day staring at a computer screen, that's non a good thing!

As for frustration, that's with my temperature. I'm starting to wish I hadn't started temping again. Its all over this week and I don't know why. My best guess is that it's because we've been sleeping with the window open since our AC unit broke last week so we don't have much in the way of temperature control. I really hope this is the case because if not, this will be the first month ever that I haven't Ovulated.

Ok, enough complaining for now...

OPKs and Other Useless Things

OK, maybe it's really just the OPKs on my mind right now....

I got a + OPK on Tuesday. According to how OPKs and the woman's body is supposed to work, I should have O'd yesterday at the latest. And I really think I did, but there wasn't much of a temp rise this morning. It went up some, but not like the smack in the face you O'd kind of rise. So guess what, hubby and I are going on 4 days in a row of trying to make a baby! Yeah I know some people think "Oh you lucky girl." Don't get me wrong I enjoy it, but it's just so unromantic and frustrating. Anyway, I really hope I get a rise tomorrow because I don't think things can get any more perfect than they are this month, well assuming the fluid is gone from my tubes.

Another useless thing is the dog collars I've bought for our "puppy". He's a year old and part Bullmastif and has gone through 3 collars this week! I just picked up another new one today, if this doesn't work he may have to become a neighborhood dog.

In some good news, Lilli is pretty much potty trained!!! Only 2 weeks!!! I'm so proud of her. The only hard part now is when she's in new places and feels like she might miss something. She still goes, but doesn't give quite as much notice that she needs to go.

Hope everyone has a good weekend, I'm spending mine on some major house cleaning.

Hopeful

That's how I've decided to look at things for now. I may regret this decision in the next 3 weeks, but honestly, I don't know how else to get through the next few weeks. If you read the comments to previous posts though, you know that I have some wonderful women supporting me. And my husband isn't too bad either.

I am definitely hopeful that I will have a potty trained little girl very soon! Since Last Tuesday we have had 4 accidents I believe. Considering last Monday there was 5 in one day I don't think that's bad at all. I'm so proud of my baby girl. I mean, my BIG girl. She reminds me that she is a big girl all the time. Even last night when she had her diaper on while we watched a movie before bed she asked to potty. I couldn't believe it!

One thing that I am not feeling so hopeful about right now is getting my house back in order. It has been several weekends since I've been home to do any amount of cleaning and it's driving me nuts. Closes are getting washed and folded but I'm sick of having to dig through laundry baskets to find thing. And I'm not even going to get started on the clutter from all the bags that are either half unpacked, or not even touched after being brought back in the house. My exhaustion has been getting the better of me at night lately. I feel lucky to even make it through the work day, let alone get anything extra done at night! I hope things turn around soon!

Torture

Do you ever feel like you are torturing yourself, but you can't help it?

That's how I've been feeling the last few days. You see on Monday, I found out that the last of my TTC friends got her BFP. And while I am so excited for her, I hate being the only one left. Especially since I started TTC first. <--I just read that and realized how immature and selfish it sounds, but I will leave it.

I am in contact with these girls (all 8 of them) pretty much on a daily basis. And while it pains to me hear all the exciting news of their pregnancies, be it gender ultrasounds, first kicks, the bfp, contractions, the aches and pains, etc, I wouldn't miss it for the world to share in their experiences. I am proud that these girls call me their friend and probably have more in common with them in some ways than I do any of my friends that I see in person. (I won't say "in real life" vs "not real life" because after almost 4 years of almost daily contact I consider them to be real life friends).

The greatest part of being friends with these girls is that they understand if I'm quiet for a few days and don't say much. Or even if I pretty much say the same thing over and over while I have a pity party for myself. They understand, they've been there.

If you are experiencing trouble TTC or in any other part of your life, I suggest you reach out. I found some of my greatest friends on WTE. There are forums out there for so many things now that you are bound to find some to talk to that will understand, you just have to be willing to find them.

Thank you to all my friends who have been there to support me through the tough times in life. I don't know where I'd be without you!

A New Day A New Hope

Preface: I have an OB and a midwife. They work in the same office. My midwife handles my pregnancy and yearly check ups and such. The OB handles any abnormal findings, infertility diagnostics, c-sections and the like. The OB is actually the one who delivered Lillian as she was on call that night. I won't lie, I was very glad she delivered her because I think she did an AMAZING job, but my midwife's bedside manners are a little better.

So I had an appointment with my midwife, ML, yesterday for a fallow up from Dec. Everything looks good now, which I expected. I had almost canceled the appointment, but decided I wanted to see her and ask her some questions now that I've had a chance to let this whole hydrosalpinx news sink in. So when she asked how I was doing I told her "Good besides the news I got here last week." She said "That's right, I remember seeing the hydrosalpinx in your report now. Don't stress over it, the last two patients I had with it, it resolved itself." Then we went on and talked about other things for a few minutes. Before I left she gave me a hug and said "I'm glad you came in and I got to see you. It's a great sign that we were able to get the dye pushed through and I'm confident it will resolve itself. You are coming back next month for and ultrasound right?" I told her yes and we said our good-byes, with her adding she hopes to see me soon (my ultrasound is with the OB, not her). ML is one of those people who just makes you feel like she's on your side. And she told me to call immediately if I get a positive pregnancy test before my ultrasound.

All in all I'm feeling a little more hopeful today that things will clear up this month and we will be pregnant soon.

I'm also hopeful that Lillian is making good progress on the potty training. She only had 2 accidents yesterday, and for the way things were going, that's great. She even freaked out last night while we were laying in bed watching a movie and she had to pee and started going in her diaper. (she had a diaper on cause she was exhausted and I thought she may fall asleep).

I've been feeling pretty fat lately. Although my weight is pretty much only fluctuating about 5lbs, I've been feeling huge. For some reason I decided to try on a skirt I bought myself last year as a goal gift, but I haven't been able to fit into it yet. Well it fit this morning. I was able to pull it over my hips and button it! It's still a little tight in the thighs for sitting in it all day, but it fits! Hopefully it will give me the motivation to get back into my exercise routine. I've still been exercising, but not with the energy and effort I should be.

I guess that's enough rambling today...

Dare I Say...

I think we are starting to turn the corner in potty training! I'm so proud of my (not so) little girl. Yesterday she only had one accident at the sitters and when we got home the only accident she had was when she didn't get her dress out from under her butt. And the best part, she told me when she had to go potty and just walked right over and sat down!

Riding a "dirt bike"

In other exciting news, my niece Maddilynn Fayth was born yesterday!

I also thought I'd share some pictures of my garden. It is the first garden I have been able to actually have grow! In the past I've planted flowers, but have had no luck. This year I decided to try my hand at some veggies and I'm very excited. I wish I had more time to plant more!

Top left to bottom right: Broccoli, green beans, peas

Top Right - Onions, Top Middle - Peppers, Top Left - Zucchini, Bottom Left - Strawberries, Bottom Right - Tomatoes

The tomato plant was almost died due to all the water it got with 19 straight days of rain, but I think it is going to survive since I saw some new buds on it last night. And I'm very excited about my strawberry plants!

Hydrosalpinx

That's the technical term for what I was diagnosed with a week ago and I still don't really know how I feel about it.

Some times I feel hopeful and other times I'm quite depressed. At one point I had a list going on my computer with a list of all the emotions I was feeling and why, but then the breaker blew here at work and that list is gone.

I think my 3 most prominent feels are Depression/Sadness, Denial, and hopeful.

Yeah weird combination right? I'm very sad and depressed to be in this situation. I just can't stop thinking about how all I've ever wanted was to be a mom and the thought that it would be a problem never crossed my mind. Which puts me in denial that I will only have one baby girl. I refuse to believe that I will never have another baby. So, I am hopeful that since the contrast dye from the HSG was able to be pushed through my tubes that the fluid will also be able to escape and my ultrasound next month will show little to no fluid. Or maybe I'll even win the lottery and my ultrasound next month will be to make sure I don't have a tubal pregnancy rather than to check for fluid.

What frustrates me the most is that I can't seem to find much information about treatment online. I have found lots of definitions and causes, but not much about treatment. I was assuming that when my OB said in extreme cases the tubes are removed and then IVF is used, but I didn't realize that besides that there isn't much that can be done. I have found a few sites that reference a massage type treatment where they manipulate your tubes to free blockages, but I don't know if it works for fluid. I've also seen a few mentions of larposcopy to clear the tubes of blockages, but again I'm not sure that applies to fluid. I feel like my ultrasound on July 11th is forever away. I just keep picturing fluid flowing out of my tubes and praying that it clears up.

I have also been dealing with lots of pregnancy news lately. While I am over the moon for my brother who's second little girl will be arriving on the 22nd, and for my friend who has been TTC for about as long as I have, who just got her BFP this week, I'm admittedly completely jealous of both of them.

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

The Good:
B's swimmers are just fine!
My labs! My thyroid is good, insulin and 2 hour glucose test were normal

The Bad:
My cholesterol. It's a little high, but nothing that needs medication or should prevent pregnancy.

The Ugly:
My tubes. Below is essentially what tubes should look like and what they do look like.

Turns out the dilation of my tubes is a bigger deal than the radiologist thought. My right tube is bad to severe and the left is just bad. The dilation is caused by fluid and this fluid has many bad effects on achieving a healthy pregnancy:
~ Egg may not be able to travel down the tube
~ Sperm may not be able to travel up the tube
~ If egg manages to fertilize egg there is a good chance of ectopic pregnancy
~ If fertilized egg does make it to the uterus if there is fluid in there it can prevent implantation.
~ If egg manages to implant there is still a higher chance of miscarriage.

Where we go from here:
As of right now if I do manage to get pregnant they want to see me right away to make sure that I don't have an ectopic pregnancy. In a month they want to do an ultrasound to see if the fluid is going away. If it is we will continue to monitor and try naturally. If not, we will consult with an RE. At this point and time I'm not sure what the course of action after that would be.

I can't even talk about my emotions of all this right now because I haven't yet figured out how I feel about this. On the one hand the OB thinks I have a good chance of it curing itself since we've achieved a normal pregnancy, on the other hand I feel hopeless. I need to do some research.