Tumbling Feelings

Last night was Lillian's 5th night of gymnastics, which means that in the next 2 weeks I have to decide if she will be doing the next session or not.  Here's my issues...

• I wasn't able to get there on time last night and while on my way in I got a message from Brian saying that she was refusing to do anything the instructor asked.  When I got there she jumped up and ran to me to get a hug.  I calmly hugged her and told her "You need to participate and do what the teacher tells you."  She said "Ok, I will" and she did the rest of the time.  We certainly aren't going to pay for her not to participate.
• She seems a little behind to me on some of the physical things.  Part of me says she needs to stick with it, maybe she will learn faster, the other part says if she isn't doing it right should she be doing it?  There are between 3-6 kids in the class and the teacher can't watch them all do everything, therefore no one is actually telling her that she is doing it wrong or showing her the right way to do it.  I have a hard time watching when they aren't correcting what she is doing wrong.
• They don't have any kind of discipline really.  They tell the kids to come back if they wander off, but that's about it.  If they are goofing off all they say is "we aren't doing that right now" and that's it.  Many kids go out of turn or do things their own way.  I feel the teacher should say "you are going to do it the right way or you won't do it.  You can go sit on your star."  (at the beginning of class they all get stars to sit on for when they are given instructions).
• She has a hard time paying attention to what she is doing rather than the other kids.  I really think if she could do one on one sessions it would be a lot better, but we can't afford that.  

These pictures are from her first nice where she was by herself...

The Ultimate Sacrifice

I hope everyone had a great Memorial Day.  I also hope that you took the time to think about those who have made the ultimate sacrifice for our freedoms.  While we may not always support the wars, we should always support those who selflessly risk their lives to keep up free, even when they don't agree with the reason for fighting.  I have a lot of respect for the people that do that and for the families that love them.  I don't think I could emotionally handle having a loved one deployed.

Our holiday weekend consisted of spending time with my grandparents, breakfast every morning :-), cook outs, cook in with the grandparents and lots of play at my mom's camp yesterday.  The heat was almost unbearable yesterday, but we survived!

Delaney has been working on finding her thumb and she has finally done it.  She can pretty much get it whenever she wants.  Doesn't make Mommy too happy since I can't very well take it away (coming from the girl who didn't stop sucking her thumb until 5th grade!)

We officially have a thumb sucker.  She even
spits out the paci for the thumb some times.

On Saturday there was a pool at the cookout so after breakfast we had to go out and get Lillian a bathing suit.  In hind sight, I should insisted on a 2 piece, daddy had trouble taking her to the bathroom.

So excited to go to Shaun's for a cook out!

She refused to let got of a person or be in a floating boat thing most of the day.  Once she realized (again this year) that she floats with just the arm/chest floaty she didn't want to get out.

After many hours of convincing she let go
of the people and the floats!

Lillian always wants pictures with her sister.

 Despite the hot and humid weather yesterday, Delaney and I spent a lot of time outside watching her big sister ride her "Big Girl Bike" around "the circle" at mom's camp.  Just Thursday night she learned how to peddle it and Saturday she masted steering and getting going on her own!  It would have been sooner, but our driveway is a hill and rocks, doesn't make for the best bike riding.  We have a little tent cabana for the beach, but it works great in the shade of a tree too!

I'm hot and miserable, but I'll still smile
for you Mommy!

A Little Catching Up

I don't have a ton of time, cause you know I have horrible work ethic and I'm posting this while on a very boring conference call...

• Lillian managed to avoid HFMD!!!  She still tells me to check her hands and mouth before she does things though, it's pretty funny.
• That also means that thankfully Delaney didn't get it either!
• My weight loss efforts with my diet came back and bit me.  I didn't do enough research on calorie in take and lowered it too much.  My milk supply drastically declined, but after just a few days of increasing my calories again I think it's getting back to where it was, makes for a much more relaxed mommy.
• I haven't been able to run in a week because my treadmill needs adjusting again :(  I really need to get on this, but I've been doing other cardio rather than fix it because I don't want to skip a chance at exercise.  Hopefully over this long weekend I can get to it.
• The Chase Corporate Challenge is coming up in less than a month!  29 days and counting!  I hope this set back with the treadmill hasn't set back my endurance too much!
• I am still down about having to leave my girls every day.  I keep telling myself it would be much more stressful if I was trying pay the bills without my paycheck, but it doesn't take away that pit in my stomach I feel every time I think about it.

These pictures were taken last Sunday while enjoying a beautiful day at my mom's camp...

She really does have undies on!
She was playing with sister while I got her shower ready.

What a long hard day!

She passed out not 5 minutes after insisting she color on the way home.

Hand Foot Mouth Disease

Lillian doesn't have it yet, but there is a good chance she will :(  Both of the boys at her sitter came down with the rash on their hands yesterday and by this morning they both had sores in their mouths.

Its times like these that show me the down falls of having a stay at home mom for a sitter.  While there are few disadvantages for me, this is a BIG one.  Normally at a day care the child would be sent home and not able to return until better.  Well, when the place is their home, that can't really happen.  From the reading I did quickly this morning, hfmd is a virus (like a cold) and some people carrying it may not even have symptoms while other have symptoms of rashes and fevers and can be contagious for weeks after the symptoms are gone!

I had to make a decision on the fly this morning about taking Lillian to the sitter or keeping her home.  After reading that the kids could be contagious for weeks I decided to take her.  May have been the wrong decision and she may get it, but I can't take a week, let alone weeks off from work.

Now the trouble will be keeping her away from baby sister.  There will be lots of hand washing going on in our house for the next month, that's for sure!

You Know You're in Mommy Mode When...

As mommy's we start to do some silly things without even realizing it.  This morning Lillian wanted to listen to her song on the way to the sitter.  I happily turned on her CD, it's only a 5 minute ride.  After dropping her off I headed to drop Laney off (a 20 minute drive).  Half way there I realized I was still listening to "If You're Happy and You Know It"

What silly little things do you do without even realizing it?

Also, if you are interested, I have started a healthy & fitness blog.  I know it's crazy of me, but I really want to document my journey to a healthier me.  I'm just going to share things that work for me, things that hurt and frustrate me, that sort of thing...

Things For Me

Emotionally I'm feeling much better.  This week has been much smoother and I feel like B is listening to me more.  He's also been doing a great job working on having more patience.  I think even Lillian seems to be reacting pretty well to the changes.  I've been doing some things for myself lately and I feel like they are paying off!

I started the C25K program.  I actually started this when Delaney was only 2 weeks old and I've stuck with it. I am currently one day behind my "schedule" for it, but I can't do anything about my little girl being sick and wanting her mommy.  I skipped the run yesterday morning to lay with and comfort her, but I got right up and did my run this morning.  I may have to set my alarm for 3:30 in order to get my run in and not feel rushed the rest of the morning.  In my eyes totally worth it!

I've started using My Fitness Pal again.  While running was helping me, it wasn't helping me lose any weight.  I was stuck.  So I started tracking my food again last Wednesday, May 2, and I have already lost 6 lbs!  I'm not expecting most weeks to be like that just for the fact that when I had my little break down last week I couldn't eat anything.

To most this may not seem like a big deal, but I haven't worn a hoodie to work since I came back from maternity leave.  Around here they are pretty relaxes about the dress code, and since I'm the only girl and pretty much have no interaction with customers they didn't care what I wore as long as it wasn't too revealing and met all our safety regulations.  Most days this consisted of just jeans a T-shirt and a hoodie.  I LOVE my hoodies and they are the first thing I think of on cool days, tired days, emotional days, stressed days, ok, just about any kind of day.  It has take a lot of effort on my part (especially since I'm not happy with my body) to find an outfit every morning that doesn't include a hoodie.  Oh and by the way, I tend to freeze in the office, that's how I started wearing them to work to begin with. But we are going on 3 weeks now and I feel pride over that.

For now, this is it.  I'm changing things little by little and it's having a BIG effect!

The Talk

After my time at my mom's camp on Friday night and most of the day Saturday I was nervous driving home.  I kept repeating in my head how I wanted to start the conversation.  I had to be sure I made my point clear and stuck to my guns.  He had to know how hurt and burnt out I am.  As I walked to the front door and in I could hear my heart beating.  I'm not one to tell someone something they are doing is negative, especially some one I love.  But I knew for my own sanity I needed to do it.  I had stopped and picked up pizza and we ate.  Well I tried to eat, we chatted about Lillian and her antics while we were at camp.  After we ate it was time.  I got out my note pad.  I started with "First of all I don't want to just hear what you think I want to hear.  I want you to be honest with me.  I can't let things get like this again because I will give up, I just can't do it. I need to know you are going to work at this."  He started tearing there.  I pushed on.  I told him everything that has been bothering me the last few weeks, some from throughout my pregnancy and even a few things that I know will be an issue in the coming months.

Without going into detail:

• The kids and I are a reason to stay home and not go hang out with friends, even if they are doing something more exciting.
• Complaining that you can't do something fun isn't acceptable, it's childish and you do way more than I do.  This includes acting miserable so that I just let you go so that I don't have to deal with you.  
• Everything you do is teaching our 3 year old how to act, if you can throw a fit, why can't she?
• Don't expect me to extra things in the morning because you didn't get them done.
• If you put your clothes away you would know where things are and not have to get mad at me for not knowing.

That was pretty much it I think.  We left the diving up the chores and such for Sunday.  I had made a list of everything I do, including the things that he can't do for me, just so he knows how much I do.  Sunday we discussed who is going to do what chores, which are daily and which are weekly.  We decided to make a chart and I'm excited to get it done.  So far things are going good.  Today is his first rain day and I'm anxious to see if he really does the things he said he would.  I really hope we can stick with this.  My big take away is that I need to speak up when something upsets me and stop pushing it aside to avoid the argument cause it just makes it worse.

Let's Talk Work

Everything in life is work.  Work is work, relationships (of all kinds) are work, parenting is work.  Even the fun things like vacation take work, whether it's the work to plan of the work you do to pay for it.

Right now my actual job is what it is.  I'm trying not to stress over it and just be happy to have one and focus on getting things done.  Some days are harder than others.  Normally by Friday afternoon all I want to do is go home and hold Delaney and watch Lillian run around like the crazy 3 year old she is.

Right now what is taking the most work in my life is my marriage.  If you've read my last few posts you know that I've had a lot to complain about and really I probably made those sound a little better than what things were really like.  After Friday morning's issue with clean boxers I pretty much lost it on the way to work.  I had had enough.  I sent B a message and told him that if Lillian was going to be gone for the night on Saturday that we needed to both be home and get things off our chest.  Problem was, the longer I sat at work, the angrier I got, the more I cried and the more I felt like just giving up.  In my hear I knew that's not really what I wanted, but I wasn't sure I had the strength for anything else.  Around 2:30 B sent me a message asking if he could go race his buddy's car at the track.  This made me livid.  Basically his thought was that if he couldn't go do something Saturday night he better do it Friday, which meant leaving me with both the girls all night.  I didn't know what to do.  Part of me didn't want to let him go because it was just going to add fuel to my rage, but the other part didn't even want to see him so I didn't really care.  I finally just text him and said "If you want to go ahead.  I'm honestly really upset and I don't think I can keep it together with you in front of the girls."  Don't get me wrong I don't want my girls growing up thinking relationships are always sunshine and rainbows, but right now it scares Lillian if we yell and she always thinks it's her fault if I cry.  B had no idea I was upset and asked what was wrong.  And although I didn't want to do anything over text messaging I couldn't ignore him.  I just told him "I'm sick of avoiding an argument and putting myself last.  I'm doing the best I can but its not working and I can't do anymore than I already am."  Of course he apologized for his fit that morning and said he'd do his own laundry, but that isn't going to fix things, I told him it's more than that.  I told him "I want to have a plan of who is responsible for what, I want to have less to worry about and get done, I want to be able to leave the girls with you and not worry about you being too stressed out to handle it."

In the mean time he had found out he couldn't race the car and wanted to invite his friend and wife over for a cook out.  In my head all I could think was great, as if I don't have enough already going on.  I told him no, I'd been crying all day and the last thing I wanted was to entertain. He ended up calling me and I lost it.  At my desk, at work, in our new open office area.  Talk about embarrassed.  I went to the bathroom and told him we needed to talk, but I couldn't do it then.  He figured out that I didn't really want to see him and I explained I don't, if I do right now I might say things I'll regret and it's just going to be a fight.  I told him I was taking the girls to my mom's camp for the night.  When we hung up I could tell he was crying.

I grabbed the girls after work, we went home, I packed in about 10 minutes and we were off.  I was already feeling better just knowing I wasn't going to have to put on a face for the night.  We did pretty much nothing that night, walked to town, grabbed dinner, walked back and it was bed time for the girls.  B text me a few times told me he was worried, but to take all the time I needed.  I told him I would and that he needed to make a list of things that bother him and the things he does in a day.

I had a few glasses of wine with my mom and I was exhausted and went to bed too.  Saturday morning I woke up with so much running through my head so I made a list of all the things that bother me.  Lillian had a blast playing with her cousins all day and we finally headed home about 5pm.

Tomorrow I'll tell you how our "talk" went.

Finding Peace

That is my one and only goal right now.  I just feel so unsettled in everything!  So unsettled I don't even know what to right after that.  I'm getting to the point where I just don't know what is most important to me right now.  I can't even enjoy the time I spend with the girls because I'm constantly thinking about what I should be doing.

Some times I wish I could just put the kids in a sound proof room so that I could argue with B when he starts his crap.  This morning he came to me (surprisingly calm at first) saying that he thinks he's being forgotten when it comes to laundry because he had no clean boxers.  Maybe he's right, I don't do his laundry very often, but I have my reasons.  1 - Why should I when he doesn't even have the courtesy to put them away, half the time they just end up right back on the floor with his dirty clothes and I don't have the time to be re-washing clothes because he can't put them away. 2 - He can't be bothered to even put his dirty clothes in mine and the girls' pile of dirty clothes (which by the way in currently just on the floor because he has 3 laundry baskets taken up with CLEAN, FOLDED clothes.  I'm pretty sure his dresser is about empty). 3 - He can't seem to take his boxers and socks out of his work clothes and put them with the regular clothes (I refuse to wash his nasty work clothes with the rest of the clothes).  So after he calm comment he got more and more irritated until he was throwing a fit and throwing all his clean clothes on the floor looking for a pair of boxers.  And I must say it really pisses me off that he asks ME every morning if I know where some are.  If it wouldn't cause a fight (cause I'm having a hard time not exploding) I would answer "If you put your fucking clothes away you'd know where they are!"  Oh and his other comment was that he was going to start doing his own laundry, which meant he was gonna stop doing another chore, most likely the dishes.  Like he does them all the time!!!

I'm really irritated how he's been handling Lillian's attitude lately.  I know its rough and she has been horribly whiny and mouthy, but he just can't seem to grasp the concept of staying calm yourself helps he keep calmer and defuses the situation much quicker.  Everything is instantly "do you want a spanking?"  Which some times is the only thing that works, as much as I hate it.  And he has started to mumble things under his breath that if Lillian ever heard would scare her and break her heart.  I don't know what is going on with him, but its taking its toll on our family and if he can't let me help he's gonna have to go figure it out on his own.

Even now I sit here at my desk at work writing this instead of working just to try and get some things out so I can concentrate.  I'm having fights in my head with him and getting upset.  At this point I don't think him saying "I'm sorry, you're right, I'm going to change it," is going to change anything about how I'm feeling.

I feel like my life needs a makeover and you can't just do that...

A Big Day

Well I guess not really unless you live in the world of a 3 year old girl.  Today Lillian is going to start gymnastics.  She's very excited and so am I.   Ever since we were at the mall back around Christmas time and I couldn't get her to leave the window where you could see the older girls practicing gymnastics, I've wanted to get her into it.  It took me a while, but now for her birthday present from grandma, she is going to get started!  I'm excited because she will be interacting with other kids her age (besides the boys at the sitter) and getting some much needed extra exercise.

So far we are doing pretty good with our new eating habits.  It will take a while to know for sure how it's really going, but we are making progress.  She did ok yesterday with having to wait for the boys to get up before she could have her snack.  She doesn't sleep as long as the boys so she was asking for a snack when she got up, and then having another when they had their after nap snack.  She was also great this morning when I said "how about some grapes for you treat for sleeping in your bed?" She said "no I want candy"  I said "No, remember doctor said no candy, healthy choices."  She said "Ok, I want to put them in the bowl."  No argument from me!

I can't believe my baby is 2 months old today!  In all honesty I think she looks more like 3 or 4 months old!

As for my marriage, we are doing ok right now.  I hate that all most of us ever think to write about is the bad stuff.  While we still have a ways to go in working on things together we have made some small improvements over the last few days.  We both realized that we tend to try and "help" each other when Lillian won't listen, but all that really shows her is that she doesn't have to listen unless she wants to.  It has also helped a little in the discipline area.  While we still have a different idea on what a fair punishment is, letting the other handle the whole situation is more consistent than changing the punishment during the time she is being punished, or me having to hand down a punishment that I think is too harsh for the action.

Time for Change

I need to make some changes.  Things feel so unsettled in my life right now that I'm not sure where to begin.

I know for one thing, Lillian and I both need to start eating healthier.  I've been feeling this way since Delaney was only a few weeks old.  Its a good thing I started running again when I did because I'm pretty sure I would have gained some weight back.  I'm holding steady around 214 right now and that just isn't acceptable.  Especially since I'm running a minimum of 6 miles a week.  I mean, its not much, but it is exercise!

Lillian and Delaney had their well child visits yesterday...

Delaney: 2 Months
Height: 24.5" (above 95%)
Weight: 13lb 6oz (above 95%)

As if they don't grow fast enough!  My friend had her baby girl 6 days before me (she was due the day before me) and she is only 21.5" and 9lbs something.  That's barely what Delaney was when she was born!  I won't lie, I'm jealous of her small baby.

Lillian: 3 Years
Height: 36.5"
Weight: 35.5"

This has her doctor a little worried.  Her BMI is increasing every visit and that isn't good.  When I looked it up on the Mayo.Clinic site yesterday I found that if you put her in as 3 feet she's considered obese and if you put her in as 3'1" she is over weight.  So basically for a 3 year old girl she is on the verge of being obese.  This broke my heart.

So besides getting our eating habits changed, I need to figure out a way to communicate better with my husband.  We have definitely been having a break down late and while we are calmly mentioning things here and there and some what resolving them, we really need to sit down and have a serious talk about things without be interrupted by a 3 year old.  Especially since I think this talk will help relieve some of my stress.  Especially when some of that stress is caused by the condition of my house.  IT IS A MESS!!!  Clothes (at least most of them are clean piles) all over, toys all over, just random stuff all over.  And I can't even tell you how bad the sheets on my bed need to be changed, but I haven't had the time.  It never even crosses my mind until it's time to go to bed!

And speaking of not enough time, I better get some work done.  I've had this window open for 2 hours now trying to get this posted!

The new bath routine includes both of them in the tub!

She's smiling a lot these days!