The Root Cause?

Well after writing my post yesterday I only became more depressed. Which usually happens after I leave the denial stage. I started crying the second some one wanted to talk to me just because I wanted to be left alone. I ended up leaving work an hour early because I couldn't take it any more. When I got home I was very tempted to get online and read more blogs and threads but decided that it was probably only going to make me feel worse, especially the ones where the women were pregnant. I was good and avoided this. Instead I started thinking about all the things that may be contributing to this feeling of sinking in my life:

1. Lack of being pregnant (both my loss and not being pregnant again)
2. In debt
3. My body
4. Smoking (no lectures please)
5. Wanting a house

Now I can't say which of these is the actual cause of my depression, but all combined makes me want run and hide. Now the question is where do I begin fixing these problems?

1. There is nothing I can do about being losing my baby or getting pregnant again. This is just something I am going to have to deal with.
2. Being in debt started with our honeymoon where we overspent and then having things at home take a crap on us. I also have no one but myself to blame for this problem because I pay the bills and pretty much dictate how our money is spent. DH signs his check every week and hands it to me. I suppose this is a good place to start.
3. My body, again no one to blame but me. Problem is if I'm going to start saving money and get us out of debt we can't afford all that health food or a gym membership. I may just have to make it part of our budget. Sad thing, I can't remember the last meal I cooked that was healthy. These days they are just whatever is around or take out.
4. Smoking. I know it's terrible for me and decreases the chances of conceiving, but the stress got to me. I had quit for 6 months or more and then Brian started smoking again and when AF showed last month, well I just couldn't take it. Some how I manage not to smoke for 2 weeks and then when AF arrives I break. Time to go back to the doctor, but again it's money. The damn prescription for Chantix, which I think is wonderful, is $100 for a month supply. You'd think the insurance company would pay most of it, but it's still $100.
5. Last but not least I want a house so bad. I'm afraid we are never going to get there with the amount of debt we have. By no means are we at a point where we need credit counseling or anything, but with the prices of everything going up we can't actually save anything. I don't know what I would have done if we didn't pay off our camper loan with our tax money.

So here I sit wondering where to start. I think maybe first I should find a gym so that I can price that into my budget. Then I can do my budget. Of course quitting smoking will help immensely with the budget too, but it's so hard when DH smokes all the time. At the same time I also understand that when a person quits it needs to be for them, not for any other reason. Maybe I can make an appointment with my Dr. for this and talk to him about getting pregnant at the same time. I say this but probably won't make the appointment, who knows though, maybe I'll surprise myself. And I guess once all this stuff falls into place my house will come. Maybe I'll feel better if we can actually get the place we have cleaned up first. Its a disaster area because I've just stopped caring and that's not right!

I hope I can get out of this slump soon. I miss my family, but at the same time don't even feel like being around them. My sister leaves for college on the 20th and I haven't even talked to her in almost 3 weeks. That's just wrong of me!

Again? Still? Crazy?

I'm so tired and have no motivation. I'm really hoping this isn't my wonderful friend Mono again (Let me clarify, the illness, not our actual friend called Mono, yes I have a real friend called Mono). I have had no motivation to do anything lately. I have had 4 work days and 2 weekends off in the last 2 weeks and I didn't do a damn thing with them. I had all these plans of what I wanted to do and didn't do it. Instead I laid in bed until I forced myself to get up cause DH would have been disappointed. I haven't cleaned my house in I don't know how long. The only thing I've done is laundry because we were running out of clothes.

Last night I went to bed at 9 and my alarm went off at 4:30. Even if I didn't fall asleep until 9:30, that's 7 hours of sleep, I honestly think it was closer to 8 cause I hit snooze until 5.

The only other thing I think it may be is depression. I've gone through that several times and most of the time I deny it until I can't anymore cause people are noticing. I suppose it could be depression cause I can't seem to concentrate on anything, except blogs and TTC boards. I can't remember the last time I cooked a meal, I'm really down about my weight, but don't have the ambition to do anything about it. I'm afraid to go to my doctor and say something because I refuse to take pills again and I don't want him to tell me to "just relax". I wish there was a law that they couldn't day that to you. I'm still a few months away from my year mark and I've gotten pregnant so I'm afraid he's going to say just give it time. At times I think of giving up all together and getting off the boards I'm on and stop reading all the blogs, but then I think no cause I would probably go crazy if I didn't have every one's support.

I don't talk to my mom much any more cause every time she sees me with a baby or I say something about a baby she says "Don't worry it will happen in time" or "Just give it some time". Well the way I see it is time is up! I should be expecting a bundle of joy in the next 3 to 4 weeks and I'm not even pregnant any more. She always tries to brush things under the carpet. When I was having my MC she kept telling me, everything is fine, spotting is normal. Even though she never had any. But then again, neither my sister or I were planned. I knew something was wrong then and I know something is wrong with me now. Not so much in a physical, getting pregnant way, but in an emotional way.

I suppose I just figured out I'm depressed and not sick with mono again. Now I just have to figure out what to do about it.

Time To Relax...

That's what I'm going to try and do this month. I know it sounds crazy cause I hate people telling me to do it, but that's what I'm going to try and do. More for my sanity than because I think it will help me achieve pregnancy. I've quit temping and I swear I'm not going to pick up the thermometer once this month. On CD 8 we are going to start BDing every other day until I'm more than positive I've O'd.

To keep Brian up with the plan, while he was in the shower on Saturday I put little messages in his phone that say things like "Guess what you're getting tonight!" on his calendar so it will go off in the afternoon and tell him. That way he doesn't have to think to much about it and neither do I. Only a few more days until we start the marathon! I hope it works, but I'm really going to try and not think about it. I just have that feeling that with not temping I'm going to worry about if I'm really sure I O'd when I think I did. I might break out the OPKs cause I still have a bunch left from my Internet order, but I haven't decided yet. We'll see when the time comes.

Playing the Fool

I did it once again. I let myself think that it just may have happened and then AF arrived this morning. The pain is unbelievable. My front, back, hips, everything. I'm so glad that I took today off cause I certainly couldn't go through wok like this. Not to mention that urge to cry every time I go to the bathroom.

When's it going to be my turn?

I'm making a new resolution, on Monday I'm taking some time to find a gym. I need to start working out again. I'm falling into a depression and my weight is part of it. And that IS something I can control!

HOPE

That is going to be the topic of today's post. There are so many ways I want to use that word right now, I have hope and have lost hope at the same time.

But most of all I'm afraid of hope. Yes I still have hope that this cycle worked (AF hasn't arrived yet), but I've also lost hope, like every other cycle. I'm afraid to hope and be optimistic because the let down is so much larger then. I don't mind falling of the 1st step, but falling from the top of the stairs hurts. I always have hope in the beginning, when I start climbing the stairs, but by the time I start wanting to test, I make my hope fade into the background and let failure take over.

So as of today I am in the gray area of limbo. If anyone ever wonders what if feels like to be between two different time dimensions, just TTC for one cycle. You'll know when you're there! I feel like I'm torn in two, my heat wants to be hopeful and believe that I may really be pregnant, but my brain says "you idiot, it didn't work last month and you had way more sex!"

Thanks so much to everyone who is keeping their fingers and everything else (not your legs for those TTC I hope) crossed. I really appreciate it. I'm guessing that tomorrow morning I will be posting to let you know if it worked or not. (Not that you keeping you fingers crossed really has anything to do with me getting pregnant, but you know what I mean.)

So until then, I'm going to the bathroom every 20 minutes to check the TP, just kidding... But I do seem to be going more

Auto Pilot

That's how I'm feeling this morning. I know I said I'd be happier today, but I'm just not. I feel like I'm slipping into that monthly depression. AF has not arrived and I haven't had any more cramping, but I think it's over. At least that's what I'm telling myself. Depsite the raw feeling nipples and this bloated feeling like my belly is going to explode, I think it's over. And now I just wish it would end so that my poor DH might be able to get lucky on his Birthday. Our sex life has sucked this month and I think it's cause of my mood, that he goes to bed at 7:30 or doesn't feel good, maybe he's pregnant?!?!

How do you go back to being nieve? You know when you just thought that you had sex once and you could get pregnant. Not knowing it had to be during a certain time in your cycle and that there is a two week wait or that your temperature changes with ovulation. Some times I wish I didn't learn about that stuff before we start TTC and did the whole if it happens it happens thing. I want to go back to that now, but I can't. How can you stop paying attention to your cycle when you've been keeping track of every detail for so long?

I read a post this morning that said "What month do you want to have your baby?" Um hello, I don't really give two shits what month, I just want my miracle, it can come whenever it wants, hopefully sooner rather than later. Of course August would have been nice, but my baby wouldn't have made it in this world so s/he isn't coming in August.

Here's to hoping I'm just being emotional and hormonal cause I'm pregnant...

Only one thing...

Could make this day worse... if AF arrives.

I have been so up and down this past few days on if I think I'm PG or not. Today is a not day. Had my usual AF cramping when I got to work this morning, but it's gone now. Now idea what's going on. But some moron made the intelligent decision to wear their white capris to work today, I wonder who that could have been? **points at self with both thumbs saying "It's me, it's me**

It was a great 4 day weekend, didn't really do much. I was miserable Friday, crying for no reason, exhausted but couldn't sleep, and feeling ill. Saturday I had enough energy to take a shower and make breakfast. That's about where it ended. Oh wait I prepared some food to marinade. Besides that it was a rainy day at camp and we watched a lot of movies. Sunday I never got out of my PJs (Shorts and a T-shirt) and I pretty much worked on my blanket all day. I used most of my energy packing at camp and then came home and unpacked. I was going to do some house work and laundry after that, but the energy was gone. Yesterday I went to breakfast with my grandparents and then went to their camper and canned some venison. We hung out for a bit and ate dinner there. But let me tell you by the time 3 rolled around I was ready for nap.

Today has been terrible. I had to pee so bad that I woke before my alarm this morning, took my temp, went to the bathroom and laid back down just in time for the alarm to go off. I normally get up a half hour later, but today I could fall back asleep even though I was so tired. My boss is being a jerk and I just want to scream at everyone. Not to mention my cramps that magically disappeared and are now making wonder if I should feel hopeful or doubtfull.

I love rollercoaster, when they are at an amusement park, not my emotions!

PMS here we come! I just want to go home and go to bed for the rest of the week.

I will be happier tomorrow I promise!

Show and Tell Blanket

This week I'm going to show off the first blanket I made. It's crocheted and it was a Christmas gift for my mother two years ago.

It's white, red and green. You can't really see it but there is a red and then green border around the out side. It seemed like it took forever to make it, but it was so worth it in the end. On Christmas eve we went to a Buffalo Bills Football game and I had to work on it all the way there (3 hours). Then again on the way home. I got up early Christmas morning to finish it up. Then I had to give it to my mom and ask for it back cause it still had loose ends hanging off the back.

She was sweet though cause when she opened it she asked me where I bought it. Then almot a year later (1 week after Thanksgiving in 07) my mom's house almost burnt down because of a malfunctioning carosene heater. It smuldered in their basement for 2 hours before they woke up. I was so happy when the dry cleaner place was able to get it clean. The soot that settled throughout the house pretty much ruined everything. I was going to be really upset if my first piece of work was ruined. But happily it wasn't.

I'm sure I'll be sharing some more of my pieces work in the future!

The New Plan

Well I finally vented all my fears to B over the last two nights. The first night it took me breaking down like a little girl. The Conversation:

Me: Yeah I've just been down today.
B: How come, what's wrong?
Me: Well I've been thinking about having a baby and getting pregnant.
B: Well you can't let that get you down. It will happen

Then my eyes burn a whole thru the back of his head because the man must be crazy to say something like that to his wife during their 9th month TTC.

Later when I roll over to go to sleep I'm thinking about his totally stupid and uncalled for remark and I get so angry I start crying. He rolls over and says of course

B: what's wrong?
Me: What the hell do you think is wrong? I told you earlier, but apparently you being Mr. totally oblivious to what I go thru every month didn't want to talk about it. Even though I've been bottling it up for days. So don't worry about it I'll just sit here and cry myself to sleep, again.

OK so I didn't really say that, he wrapped me in his arms and let me cry and I told him about how I didn't want to stress him so I didn't tell him I was Oing and that it backfired and made me more stressed and I worry about him feeling used and that August is going to be a really hard month for me.

He really was great, he said he never feels used and that he doesn't care if he gets stressed out cause he hates seeing me stressed out.

So then last night we are sitting at dinner in Friendly's and I tell him that I don't plan on temping next month. He thought I was kidding. Then I explained that 1 week after I get my dreaded visitor we are going to start BDing every other day for 2 weeks. He seemed happy with that and I think I am to. I really think it may help on the stress issues I've been having. Now I just have to make sure he sticks to it. I may have to send him a text during the day on CD 8 or something, but I think we can make this work!

Looking Pregnant...

Is ok if you are pregnant. At my sister's graduation party on Saturday I wore a halter top that was a little tight and showed the little bit of weight I gained after my m/c but I was ok with because I wanted to get rid of my tan lines, and it was the perfect day for it. Well after have two people ask me if I was pregnant I decided to go home and change.

The first was my ex-step-father's sister. I'm not a big fan of her anyway, and I was rushing around to get decorations finished up for the party and she stops me and says, "Oh are we expecting?" I said "No not anymore." cause I don't know if her brother told her or not and then didn't get around to telling her I lost the baby.

The second was the worst one. I was sitting there eating with DH and my grandparents (who knew about the pregnancy) and a Lady I know from the bar where DH and I met comes up to us, she leans over, POKES my belly and says "Oh are you pregnant?" And again I didn't know if my mom opened her mouth to her so I said "No not anymore." And she says to me "It's ok." First off, DON'T TOUCH MY BELLY!!! Especially when I'm not even pregnant! Then "I'm sorry" is more of an appropriate response. Then she went on to tell me how her 28 yr old grand daughter called her the other day and said "Grandma I have something to tell you." Lady says "Are you pregnant?" Girl says "Yes, is that OK?" I'm sorry, but does it really matter if it's ok or not? I mean she's far enough along to know she is having a boy so I guess it better be OK. Oh and did I mention she's 28?

So after that second incident I went home and changed. I realize I've put on a few pounds, but still people. Don't ask unless she REALLY looks pregnant and not just fat!

To top it all off I'm not even sure if I've O'd yet or not. I have a feeling that I have and that our timing was terrible this month, but I guess it doesn't matter cause there's nothing I can do about it now. I'm afraid to talk to DH about it for some reason cause I feel bad for thinking about it all the time. It's been really frustrating this month cause I don't want DH to feel used so I didn't tell him when I should O and just tried to come on to him. Apparently that's not working cause crap has been coming up and preventing the BD, but I think if he knew I was Oing he's put it aside, but I'm trying to think about it less, so having to tell him just makes it worse.

I'm so frustrated and sad right now, I want to cry!

Show and Tell

This week I want to show off my camper. Mainly cause we haven't been up there in a few weeks and I miss it. We have a seasonal campsite at a camp ground that has a "lake", it's actually a large pond and you can walk around it in probably a half an hour. It's great for fishing though.

We got quite lucky when we found this place. We were at the camp ground camping with some of our friends that had a site. On our way out that Sunday we noticed there was for sale sign. There wasn't a price and we figured just for the heck of it we'd see how much they were asking. To our surprise it was only $5000. And it came with the deck, all the outdoor and indoor furniture and a shed that was only 2 years old. It is somewhere around 40ft long and has a slide out. The only down fall was that the bedroom had been turned into a dining room, but there was still a kids room with 3 bunk style beds. We tore out the bunk beds and made it into the bedroom using the mattresses from the bunk beds. It's perfect now.

Here's some pics...

This is a close up of the front. The dark black spot on the right side is a sliding glass door. And the open door on the left is where the bedroom is. Just in front of the folding chair you can see the start of the fire pit and in front of that we have another 10 feeting of yard where we have horse shoe pits.

This picture shows our screened in tent and behind that is our dog pen with DH's Tony Stewart Flad flying in the wind.

We spend a lot of time here during the summer on the weekends. Its a great get away from the real world some times. Its mostly quiet, unless we have a party and friends and family come and cookout with us all the time.

Thanks for reading about my camp!

I have to do what?!

You've got to be kidding me, you have to have sex to get pregnant?!?! We are totally lacking in that department right now and I'm going crazy! B's job has been sending him home exhausted and miserable the last few days and well this is the fertile time. I'm starting to get moody and stressed out due to this lack of um... release!

B keeps asking me what's wrong but I don't want to talk about it with him cause it just stresses him out more, and obviously he doesn't need that. I guess on the positive side, the only days we BD the cycle I got pregnant was CD 10, 13, 16 and 17 and I O'd on CD 16. Hopefully if we start tonight every other day will work out! He may get off work early today so he should be rested up and the rest of the week he said should be "cake" in his words.

Boy I should really be thinking about work while I'm here and not on the internet writing about my sex life!

Show and Tell

I just found this lovely section and thought I'd join in.

I want to show off my wonderful husband. This past weekend we went on a camping trip with our friends and they have two little girls. Cadence, she's 19 months and Payton, she's 5 months. Well the couple seems to have issues with who does what and how to take care of the girls. Well in my eyes the father doesn't do much of anything but tell the mother how things should be done. He sits there and yells for her if they need their diapers changed, and won't get up to make a bottle when the baby is crying, even though the mother is busy. Kind of irritates me, but I don't say anything cause it's not my place. Well I'm showing off my husband acting like a daddy. He changed more diapers this weekend on kids who aren't even his. I feel so blessed cause I know he is going to be a wonderful daddy!

I didn't get any on my camera with the baby, but he's just as good with her. He even tells them that we'll watch the kids whenever they want. I can't wait to see him with our little ones!