I had my first visit with my new midwife yesterday and I love her. I think she's great. She actually explained things to me like what the pains are and why my hands keep falling asleep. I'm also excited about the fact that they do their u/s right there in the office. I never really liked have a tech do it and then send the results to the Dr. The thing I don't like is that they apparently only do 1 u/s too. Why is that? I'm so frustrated. I just have this overwhelming fear that something isn't growing right. I need to see my baby. How do I convey this to my midwife without her telling me "what you're feeling is normal, everything is fine." I think I'll go crazy in the next 6 weeks if I have to wait that long. I wish you could rent u/s machines like you can dopplers!
As for the good things at the appointment, the HB is at 169 and it took her a while to get the number because the baby kept kicking the doppler. It made me smile! I got my flu shot. Not fun and my arm still hurts, but so worth it! Let's see, what else, oh yeah she tested my urine and said I'm pregnant! Yeah! And that I don't have any infections which is nice to hear. I go back in 2 week and most likely they are going to offer the Triple Screening if I want it. I'm still so up in the air about this. B doesn't want it because he feels it's just something else to worry about. But I'm already starting to worry so I'm leaning more towards getting it done. I just don't know. What are your opinions?
I think we are going to start our baby registry in the next few weeks. Mainly because I know our parents want to get us stuff for the baby for Christmas and I want to make sure they have an idea of the things we need. The part I hate is that if we have to wait for 20 weeks, it's only going to be 2 weeks before Christmas. Oh well I suppose I just have to deal, even if it does make me want to cry!
Friday, October 31, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Thank You!
To all the responses from yesterday. Some were exactly what I needed to hear and others were a wake up call, but I needed it.
During lunch I took our Jeep to my mom's shop for a repair and had lunch with her while I waited. Well I didn't actually eat, I mostly cried. Especially when she told me more information about my husband that I did not know.
You see my husband and I have a quite a long road. There were several times that I had to look at him and tell him "If this is how things are always going to be then we need to end it now because I won't live like that." You see I met my husband while I was home on summer break after my second year of college, I was 20. B was the bartender at the bar my parents took me too, he was 27 and lived upstairs. We both really thought it was just going to be a summer fling and we were fine with that, hey I was only 20. Well obviously that didn't happen. Being that I was in school over 2 hours away we had some hard ships. We were both going out on our own and doing our own thing, but we talked every day and I would drive home every few weekends. We spent a lot of time in the bar though. During my 3rd year of college my step-father and mother got a divorce and when it was time for me to come home for the summer I had no place to stay. My mother and sister had moved to a two bedroom condo and B was sleeping on her couch because his aunt was remodeling his apartment. B and I decided to move in together. There was no way I was sleeping on a pull out bed for 3 months. That summer and following year were rough. He was used to doing his own thing because I wasn't around all the time and all he had to do was call me. I worked my butt off at school and he worked at home. I would drive home every other weekend to make sure bills were paid, mostly with the money I was making at school. He continued to go out every weekend and when I was home we'd fight about it. He also started to think that I was coming home because I didn't trust him, not just because I wanted to see him. When I finally graduated we found a nicer place together and things seemed to get better. When we were home things were great most of the time. Our biggest problems were just getting used to having the responsibility of a relationship full time. And it was a problem for both of us. Then he lost his job. He had never had to pay bills and didn't understand the complications this was bringing. He also wasn't ready to quit going out every night and smoking the bad stuff. Me, I was ready to settle down and get on with my life. 4 years of partying 3 - 4 nights a week was enough for me. We bought a camper that summer and things got a lot better. We didn't fight as much cause we would drink there and I didn't have worry about getting him away from the bar. And I could drink too because I didn't have to worry about driving. Eventually I got him to realize that the fun stuff is what goes away when we don't have money, not the cell phone or electric. And a little less than a year after I graduated he proposed. We actually postponed the wedding once and almost a second time after he made the mistake of giving up incoming $ to go fishing. I looked at him and said that if you aren't responsible enough to give up one day of fishing to make some money when you don't have a job then you certainly aren't ready for marriage. This was two months before the wedding and I'd never seen him look so sad and ashamed in his life. Since then things have gone great for over a year until now. I'm not saying we haven't had our spats, but what couple doesn't.
Yesterday afternoon I wrote down what I wanted to say to him. I printed it out and took it home with me. I told him before I got there that we needed to talk and that he should make a list of the things that he likes and dislikes about me. His response was "I don't think things are that bad" and I said "Well they are for me and I'm going to tell you how I feel about everything." When I got home I was starving so we sat and chatted with M while I ate. I personally think M being there was B's plan because he didn't want to talk, but it happened anyway. He went in the bedroom to find his bowling shirt and I followed him. I told him I wrote down everything I wanted to say and I could either read it to him or he could read it. It took him a few minutes to read and he was silent afterward. He finally looked at me and said "I don't even want to talk about the hunting thing, it's hunting and we're not going to fight over it." Pause that seemed like it lasted forever, "but I do understand why you don't want me hunting at night." That right there made me feel so much better. That's my biggest problem, him being gone til 7 at night coming home eating and passing out. Then being gone all weekend. If he doesn't have to work during the day, then great go hunting, I don't care, I'm at work. He has also promised me that he is not doing the "bad" things he used to and I know he doesn't get drunk all the time anymore. He also informed me that yesterday he only hunted in the morning and when he got home he sat down and read all the emails I've sent him about the baby. And I promised to give him a list of little things that he can do to help me feel better.
We go through this normally once every 1.5 - 2 years, mostly cause I bottle things up cause I don't like to rock the boat. I know we'll get through this and I'm already feeling much better. Besides this terrible headache and sneezing I have going on. On the plus side, no morning sickness in two day!!!
During lunch I took our Jeep to my mom's shop for a repair and had lunch with her while I waited. Well I didn't actually eat, I mostly cried. Especially when she told me more information about my husband that I did not know.
You see my husband and I have a quite a long road. There were several times that I had to look at him and tell him "If this is how things are always going to be then we need to end it now because I won't live like that." You see I met my husband while I was home on summer break after my second year of college, I was 20. B was the bartender at the bar my parents took me too, he was 27 and lived upstairs. We both really thought it was just going to be a summer fling and we were fine with that, hey I was only 20. Well obviously that didn't happen. Being that I was in school over 2 hours away we had some hard ships. We were both going out on our own and doing our own thing, but we talked every day and I would drive home every few weekends. We spent a lot of time in the bar though. During my 3rd year of college my step-father and mother got a divorce and when it was time for me to come home for the summer I had no place to stay. My mother and sister had moved to a two bedroom condo and B was sleeping on her couch because his aunt was remodeling his apartment. B and I decided to move in together. There was no way I was sleeping on a pull out bed for 3 months. That summer and following year were rough. He was used to doing his own thing because I wasn't around all the time and all he had to do was call me. I worked my butt off at school and he worked at home. I would drive home every other weekend to make sure bills were paid, mostly with the money I was making at school. He continued to go out every weekend and when I was home we'd fight about it. He also started to think that I was coming home because I didn't trust him, not just because I wanted to see him. When I finally graduated we found a nicer place together and things seemed to get better. When we were home things were great most of the time. Our biggest problems were just getting used to having the responsibility of a relationship full time. And it was a problem for both of us. Then he lost his job. He had never had to pay bills and didn't understand the complications this was bringing. He also wasn't ready to quit going out every night and smoking the bad stuff. Me, I was ready to settle down and get on with my life. 4 years of partying 3 - 4 nights a week was enough for me. We bought a camper that summer and things got a lot better. We didn't fight as much cause we would drink there and I didn't have worry about getting him away from the bar. And I could drink too because I didn't have to worry about driving. Eventually I got him to realize that the fun stuff is what goes away when we don't have money, not the cell phone or electric. And a little less than a year after I graduated he proposed. We actually postponed the wedding once and almost a second time after he made the mistake of giving up incoming $ to go fishing. I looked at him and said that if you aren't responsible enough to give up one day of fishing to make some money when you don't have a job then you certainly aren't ready for marriage. This was two months before the wedding and I'd never seen him look so sad and ashamed in his life. Since then things have gone great for over a year until now. I'm not saying we haven't had our spats, but what couple doesn't.
Yesterday afternoon I wrote down what I wanted to say to him. I printed it out and took it home with me. I told him before I got there that we needed to talk and that he should make a list of the things that he likes and dislikes about me. His response was "I don't think things are that bad" and I said "Well they are for me and I'm going to tell you how I feel about everything." When I got home I was starving so we sat and chatted with M while I ate. I personally think M being there was B's plan because he didn't want to talk, but it happened anyway. He went in the bedroom to find his bowling shirt and I followed him. I told him I wrote down everything I wanted to say and I could either read it to him or he could read it. It took him a few minutes to read and he was silent afterward. He finally looked at me and said "I don't even want to talk about the hunting thing, it's hunting and we're not going to fight over it." Pause that seemed like it lasted forever, "but I do understand why you don't want me hunting at night." That right there made me feel so much better. That's my biggest problem, him being gone til 7 at night coming home eating and passing out. Then being gone all weekend. If he doesn't have to work during the day, then great go hunting, I don't care, I'm at work. He has also promised me that he is not doing the "bad" things he used to and I know he doesn't get drunk all the time anymore. He also informed me that yesterday he only hunted in the morning and when he got home he sat down and read all the emails I've sent him about the baby. And I promised to give him a list of little things that he can do to help me feel better.
We go through this normally once every 1.5 - 2 years, mostly cause I bottle things up cause I don't like to rock the boat. I know we'll get through this and I'm already feeling much better. Besides this terrible headache and sneezing I have going on. On the plus side, no morning sickness in two day!!!
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Insecure Tears
That's what consumed my day yesterday. I don't know if I'm being insecure, over emotional or if my feelings are justified. I just feel like my husband just doesn't care. All he cares about is how much he gets to go hunting. He never asks me anything about the baby and any time he does something nice for me it's cause he's sucking up cause he wants to go hunting. Now he is getting a cold but is going to go hunt in the rain anyway because he says "well you won't let me hunt in the nice weather." He doesn't care that him getting sick puts me a greater risk and that I can't take anything to help myself feel better. He doesn't care that he could be working today and making money even if it isn't his normal job and he doesn't really like it. He has a responsibility to this family and he just can't see it. I feel so alone. I feel like he doesn't care if I'm even around cause when he is home I know he wishes he wasn't. I feel so unwanted.
On Sunday he went hunting in the morning and then came home and he made me breakfast in bed. I said "You're so good to me" and his reply was "Well I have to suck up if I'm not going to watch football with you." Even if that was the reason he could have said "I just love you so much" or "well you're carrying my baby I can do something." So he recorded the game and I went and watched it with his family like we have every football Sunday for the last 5 years. Then when he gets home at 6 he goes out in the living room and watches the game. At 8:30 he finally comes in the bedroom and asks what's wrong. I told him "I thought I'd get to spend some time with you tonight." and his response was "Well you could have watched the game with me." No, I shouldn't have too, you should spend time with me and watch the damn game some other time! Just like he tells me he doesn't CHOOSE to go hunting over me. Well the way I see it is he has a choice to either go hunting or to stay home with me, he goes hunting, that's making a choice.
Yesterday he said to me after I asked him if he was staying home when he got out of work "I was thinking about going to my dad's to hunt, but only if it's ok with you." I told him "you know how I feel, you decide" I'm so sick of being the bad guy and saying no so that he can be mad at me. It makes me feel just as bad as him leaving. So he writes back to me (we were texting cause I was at work) "then I won't go I guess." Still making me feel bad because once again I've made him unhappy. I told him "I'm sorry if that came across wrong but I'm sick of being the bad guy, I don't like upsetting you." He says "it just sucks when the weekend comes and the weather sucks for hunting." Of course I point out "But you would still hunt in the crappy weather even if you hunted all week." He says "Yeah but bow season isn't very long, plus I'm not gonna miss anymore football games so that's more time I'm not going to be able to hunt." At this point I'm balling my eyes out at work and really hurt so I just say "you just go do whatever you want and don't worry about me." He says "I'd love to go hunt but it's not worth it if you're getting upset and mad." This is when I told him "That's just it, I'm already upset because I feel like I have to beg you to stay home. I want you to want to be there and not wish you were some where else." He says "You don't have to beg me to stay home, but it's hunting season and that's never been any different." I pointed out that "it is different, you didn't use to go hunting every night during the week before. And you have to realize that things are changing, I've been trying not to bother you with all this emotion crap, but it's hard to hold it in." His last words were "That's fine, I'm going home. But if I don't work tomorrow or the next day I'll be hunting." This really broke my heart. He doesn't say anything about how I'm feeling or how he has to give up hunting time to be with me, but he'll give it up to watch football. I'm just so hurt. And hunting lasts until almost Christmas!
And this weekend he's not going to my sister's family weekend at school after we've bought football tickets because he wants to go hunting. I even told him when it was before I bought the tickets and he said he wanted to go. Until last week when he realized it's this weekend.
Am I over reacting? Is it just the hormones? Does it matter if it's just hormones?
On Sunday he went hunting in the morning and then came home and he made me breakfast in bed. I said "You're so good to me" and his reply was "Well I have to suck up if I'm not going to watch football with you." Even if that was the reason he could have said "I just love you so much" or "well you're carrying my baby I can do something." So he recorded the game and I went and watched it with his family like we have every football Sunday for the last 5 years. Then when he gets home at 6 he goes out in the living room and watches the game. At 8:30 he finally comes in the bedroom and asks what's wrong. I told him "I thought I'd get to spend some time with you tonight." and his response was "Well you could have watched the game with me." No, I shouldn't have too, you should spend time with me and watch the damn game some other time! Just like he tells me he doesn't CHOOSE to go hunting over me. Well the way I see it is he has a choice to either go hunting or to stay home with me, he goes hunting, that's making a choice.
Yesterday he said to me after I asked him if he was staying home when he got out of work "I was thinking about going to my dad's to hunt, but only if it's ok with you." I told him "you know how I feel, you decide" I'm so sick of being the bad guy and saying no so that he can be mad at me. It makes me feel just as bad as him leaving. So he writes back to me (we were texting cause I was at work) "then I won't go I guess." Still making me feel bad because once again I've made him unhappy. I told him "I'm sorry if that came across wrong but I'm sick of being the bad guy, I don't like upsetting you." He says "it just sucks when the weekend comes and the weather sucks for hunting." Of course I point out "But you would still hunt in the crappy weather even if you hunted all week." He says "Yeah but bow season isn't very long, plus I'm not gonna miss anymore football games so that's more time I'm not going to be able to hunt." At this point I'm balling my eyes out at work and really hurt so I just say "you just go do whatever you want and don't worry about me." He says "I'd love to go hunt but it's not worth it if you're getting upset and mad." This is when I told him "That's just it, I'm already upset because I feel like I have to beg you to stay home. I want you to want to be there and not wish you were some where else." He says "You don't have to beg me to stay home, but it's hunting season and that's never been any different." I pointed out that "it is different, you didn't use to go hunting every night during the week before. And you have to realize that things are changing, I've been trying not to bother you with all this emotion crap, but it's hard to hold it in." His last words were "That's fine, I'm going home. But if I don't work tomorrow or the next day I'll be hunting." This really broke my heart. He doesn't say anything about how I'm feeling or how he has to give up hunting time to be with me, but he'll give it up to watch football. I'm just so hurt. And hunting lasts until almost Christmas!
And this weekend he's not going to my sister's family weekend at school after we've bought football tickets because he wants to go hunting. I even told him when it was before I bought the tickets and he said he wanted to go. Until last week when he realized it's this weekend.
Am I over reacting? Is it just the hormones? Does it matter if it's just hormones?
Friday, October 24, 2008
2nd Trimester!
I can't believe I'm here!!! I'm 13 weeks today. Sadly I think I may be getting a cold though. Guess I'll be staying in this weekend, no sense in being out in the rain. I'm really hoping I was just snoring last night though and not coming down with something.
My Favorite
(the pants are so soft and I love the cuffs)
My 2nd Favorite
And This
(Aren't the feet just adorable?!)
So here are the pictures I promised yesterday:
My Favorite
(the pants are so soft and I love the cuffs)
My 2nd Favorite
(Daddy loved it!)
And This
(Aren't the feet just adorable?!)
I don't know if I actually feel safe yet, but I keep telling myself that some time in the next few weeks I will start feeling my little one move and well I just can't wait. Of course with my luck I won't feel it til 20 weeks, but either way, every day is one day closer!
Oh and I talked to my mom yesterday and my aunt has already started planning my baby shower. I don't know for when or anything, but apparently she's already got ideas. I feel so loved!!!
Oh and one more thing, B spent all of last night with me. We went to dinner and then shopping. It was so nice to spend some time with him!
I think that's it now.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Depression
It's been a rough week. Emotionally really. I've dealt with depression for a large part of my life, though I never thought it would come into this stage. One of my biggest problems with depression is that I don't like to admit I'm depressed, I like to bottle it up and hide it. Well yesterday I decided that I just needed to admit to it and deal with it. Get to the root of what was causing my depression. I told B how I was feeling and he was as supportive as he could be through text messages. Until he tried to get me to go off shopping after work. Now I could just be blowing things out of proportion here, but my feeling was that he wanted me to be busy after work so that he could go hunting and not feel guilty.
I realized I was depressed because I basically started crying all the time. And I didn't really want to talk to anybody or see anybody. Kind of hard when I work in an office. So I started wanting to just stay home. But that of course meant being by myself. Depression is a strange thing because I always get this feeling that I don't want to be around people, but I don't want to be alone either. Anyway one of the things that has really been getting me down is how I look.
Getting dressed in the morning has brought me to tears all week. I basically look fat in everything and I'm not comfortable. I've been meaning to go shopping for over a week now, but like I tried to explain to B, by the time I get out of work I'm too exhausted to drive 45 minutes away (to where they sell maternity clothes), shop for a few hours, and then drive 45 minutes back. I'd be in an accident before you knew it. So yesterday I told my boss I wasn't feeling well and that I was leaving at noon. Which I really didn't feel good, but not in a "I'm going to lose my breakfast" sort of way. Then I met up with my mother who drove me to the mall. After 3.5 hours of shopping and $400 later, I feel better. Well some what. I at least don't feel like a pile of crap stuffed into a potato sack anymore. I was so excited when I got home, I couldn't wait to share my findings with B. But he wasn't there, and he was an hour late getting home from what when he told me he'd be home. I was very upset again. But he did promise me that he won't be hunting again until Saturday. That means I will have two more nights with him this week. During which time I will bring up how his being gone every night is going to stop.
I also purchased the first few baby items yesterday. I was very nervous about it (that feeling that something will go wrong if I did), but my mom convinced me to do it anyway. I'll have to take pictures tonight so I can show you the outfits, their soooo cute! And I also bought them in size 6/9 months, for a few reasons. #1 most people will buy new born and not larger sizes and 2, they are heavier outfits and most likely won't be warn until the baby is 6 months anyway. B told me he wants to come the next time I decide to buy baby things. That made me feel good too.
Well I better get some work done today, I've been slacking this week due to lack of concentration! Things are looking up though, I even put on some foundation and mascara today!
I realized I was depressed because I basically started crying all the time. And I didn't really want to talk to anybody or see anybody. Kind of hard when I work in an office. So I started wanting to just stay home. But that of course meant being by myself. Depression is a strange thing because I always get this feeling that I don't want to be around people, but I don't want to be alone either. Anyway one of the things that has really been getting me down is how I look.
Getting dressed in the morning has brought me to tears all week. I basically look fat in everything and I'm not comfortable. I've been meaning to go shopping for over a week now, but like I tried to explain to B, by the time I get out of work I'm too exhausted to drive 45 minutes away (to where they sell maternity clothes), shop for a few hours, and then drive 45 minutes back. I'd be in an accident before you knew it. So yesterday I told my boss I wasn't feeling well and that I was leaving at noon. Which I really didn't feel good, but not in a "I'm going to lose my breakfast" sort of way. Then I met up with my mother who drove me to the mall. After 3.5 hours of shopping and $400 later, I feel better. Well some what. I at least don't feel like a pile of crap stuffed into a potato sack anymore. I was so excited when I got home, I couldn't wait to share my findings with B. But he wasn't there, and he was an hour late getting home from what when he told me he'd be home. I was very upset again. But he did promise me that he won't be hunting again until Saturday. That means I will have two more nights with him this week. During which time I will bring up how his being gone every night is going to stop.
I also purchased the first few baby items yesterday. I was very nervous about it (that feeling that something will go wrong if I did), but my mom convinced me to do it anyway. I'll have to take pictures tonight so I can show you the outfits, their soooo cute! And I also bought them in size 6/9 months, for a few reasons. #1 most people will buy new born and not larger sizes and 2, they are heavier outfits and most likely won't be warn until the baby is 6 months anyway. B told me he wants to come the next time I decide to buy baby things. That made me feel good too.
Well I better get some work done today, I've been slacking this week due to lack of concentration! Things are looking up though, I even put on some foundation and mascara today!
Monday, October 20, 2008
An Update
I guess I'll start with my weekend. It wasn't as much fun as I thought it would be. I don't know if i I got myself so exited about it that it couldn't live up to my expectation, or if it really wasn't as much fun. I guess it started because I had to rush around to get ready and B was home, but was off doing other things that I found pointless and it frustrated me. Friday night wasn't too bad except everyone else was ready for bed before me for some reason. It was strange, but once I fell asleep it was surprising a good night's sleep. It was nice to see the sun shining when I woke up. These days it's still dark when I get to work. I think Saturday was rough because my bed was a pull out couch so Aunt L sat with me, but along with this came her German Shepard and healer. Don't get me wrong, I love the dogs, but it makes it hard to lay down and get comfy. Not to mention every time she went out to smoke the smell when she came in turned my stomach. Then yesterday wasn't great because I started feeling sick again. It was real bad when I went to bed last night. Wanted to cry, the only way I didn't feel sick was when I sat up, but I was cramping when I sat up. And speaking of cramping, it started yesterday morning. Nothing major, I'm pretty sure it's just stretching cause when I got home last night I had no problem finding the heartbeat that was at 166, slightly slower, but nothing for me to worry about. Oh and B got to hear it for the first time. His eyes lit up, it was great! And one good thing about yesterday... Buffalo is 5-1!!!
Today I'm kind of tired and cranky. Slight head ache, slight nausea, a little bit of everything. I can't wait to go home and take a nap. I also called a new doctor's office today. I think I may switch doctors. I've heard some good things about this new doctor from a lady I work with. And another one just had her second with this doctor and just loves her too. I'm just waiting for a call back because of course you only get the answering service during the lunch hour. But that's better than my current Dr. cause there you don't even get to talk to a real person, they just say "Please call back after 1:00. If it's an emergency..." I also realized that my current Doctor's office is more for low income families. I think that may be why it seems a little impersonal and they only do 1 u/s.
So while I was typing the new office called and I have an appointment for next Thursday (the 30th). Seems like forever away, but it will have to do.
I don't think there is much else going on. Besides I've completely ignored my work for the last 2 hours and need to get something done now.
Tata
Today I'm kind of tired and cranky. Slight head ache, slight nausea, a little bit of everything. I can't wait to go home and take a nap. I also called a new doctor's office today. I think I may switch doctors. I've heard some good things about this new doctor from a lady I work with. And another one just had her second with this doctor and just loves her too. I'm just waiting for a call back because of course you only get the answering service during the lunch hour. But that's better than my current Dr. cause there you don't even get to talk to a real person, they just say "Please call back after 1:00. If it's an emergency..." I also realized that my current Doctor's office is more for low income families. I think that may be why it seems a little impersonal and they only do 1 u/s.
So while I was typing the new office called and I have an appointment for next Thursday (the 30th). Seems like forever away, but it will have to do.
I don't think there is much else going on. Besides I've completely ignored my work for the last 2 hours and need to get something done now.
Tata
Friday, October 17, 2008
12 Weeks
I honestly can't believe I'm here, 12 weeks. Some how I'm starting to feel a little safe. Although I tend to remind myself that something could still happen. Especially when I start thinking about telling more people. The truth is though that after next Friday I will have to tell work. Mainly because at my work we are so busy that they hire a temporary person to take your spot while out on maternity leave, which I have to say I'm happy is 3 months. I guess what worries me is that my temp will be better suited for the job than me. Anyway, I have some good news...
The other night as I was laying in bed, home alone again, it was bowling night, I decided to give our rented doppler a try and guess what, I found that precious sound! It was great, I wish I had some one to share it with, but it was still wonderful.
I also got other news this week. One of my pledge sisters from my sorority is due 4 weeks after me! I just wish she lived closer than 2 hours away. It would be so nice to have some one in town to share this experience with. I guess that's about it for now.
Oh I almost forgot. I leave for sister's weekend today! 2 days of laying around watching movies and eating the most wonderful food with women I love! Who could ask for more after a rough a week?
The other night as I was laying in bed, home alone again, it was bowling night, I decided to give our rented doppler a try and guess what, I found that precious sound! It was great, I wish I had some one to share it with, but it was still wonderful.
I also got other news this week. One of my pledge sisters from my sorority is due 4 weeks after me! I just wish she lived closer than 2 hours away. It would be so nice to have some one in town to share this experience with. I guess that's about it for now.
Oh I almost forgot. I leave for sister's weekend today! 2 days of laying around watching movies and eating the most wonderful food with women I love! Who could ask for more after a rough a week?
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day
I have been trying to find the right words to say here all day and they just aren't coming to me. I have taken several moments today to remember where I was in January and I have to say, when I let myself think about it, it's still a very open wound. I want to send everyone who has experienced a loss a great big hug.
I've also been having this terrible guilt feeling for continuing to blog about my pregnancy. Especially when it probably seems like I'm complaining all the time. I remember what it was like when people would say things like "Be glad you aren't going through this morning sickness" or "I hope this baby is worth it". I don't want to be that girl. I know this baby is worth it because it's all I ever wanted, and if it takes morning sickness to get that baby then I'll tough it out. But I have to be honest, it doesn't mean I have to like it. I just don't want my wonderful friends who helped me through all the rough times think I'm taking this for granted, I remind myself every day what it took for me to get here and also that it could have been worse for me. I'm wishing everyone the best of luck in their adventures. No matter what it is! I don't know if I could have gotten here without all your love and support!
Much love!
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Less than 200
Check out my ticker, less than 200 days now! Still seems like forever though. I'm still praying for the day when I feel better. I think it's slowly getting better when I look back on the days, but during the day it doesn't seem it so much. Not to mention the headaches that are starting.
I went to the mall last night I broke down and bought my first pair of maternity pants and a couple sweaters. Now first let me say that the jeans I tried on were horrible. They made my ass look huge. Every pair I tried on were boot cut, and well with my body shape boot cut just doesn't cut it. Not to mention they were all too short. Apparently in order to get them in longs I have to be 2 sizes smaller! On the plus size, I did find a pair of black pants and they are sooo comfy! I'm wondering why I waited this long to get them. I think the beginning of next week I'm going to go to a thrift store and see what I can find. I hate to spend this much $ on new clothes I won't be wearing long.
On to my 4 hour pizza drive, I know you've all been holding your breathe just waiting to hear it. So after B leaving me home alone Saturday he promised me we would go to the Iron Kettle Farm on Sunday. So after doing some running around to get some extra $ to go, we take off. It was a beautiful sunny day and warm. He tells me the place is just out side of Ithaca. OK, not too far of a drive. So we drive and we turn onto 96 and we drive some more. Well finally we'd been driving for like an hour and I said "I thought this place was just outside of Ithaca?" He says, that's what I thought too. Well about a half hour later I'm starting to get hungry (not a good thing) so I get out our map. We'd been driving in the wrong direction for an hour. But I knew there was another town with food shops in it less than a half hour away. So we continued until we got to Waterloo. Then, being that we were already halfway around Cayuga Lake, we decided to just go the rest of the way around.
I went to the mall last night I broke down and bought my first pair of maternity pants and a couple sweaters. Now first let me say that the jeans I tried on were horrible. They made my ass look huge. Every pair I tried on were boot cut, and well with my body shape boot cut just doesn't cut it. Not to mention they were all too short. Apparently in order to get them in longs I have to be 2 sizes smaller! On the plus size, I did find a pair of black pants and they are sooo comfy! I'm wondering why I waited this long to get them. I think the beginning of next week I'm going to go to a thrift store and see what I can find. I hate to spend this much $ on new clothes I won't be wearing long.
On to my 4 hour pizza drive, I know you've all been holding your breathe just waiting to hear it. So after B leaving me home alone Saturday he promised me we would go to the Iron Kettle Farm on Sunday. So after doing some running around to get some extra $ to go, we take off. It was a beautiful sunny day and warm. He tells me the place is just out side of Ithaca. OK, not too far of a drive. So we drive and we turn onto 96 and we drive some more. Well finally we'd been driving for like an hour and I said "I thought this place was just outside of Ithaca?" He says, that's what I thought too. Well about a half hour later I'm starting to get hungry (not a good thing) so I get out our map. We'd been driving in the wrong direction for an hour. But I knew there was another town with food shops in it less than a half hour away. So we continued until we got to Waterloo. Then, being that we were already halfway around Cayuga Lake, we decided to just go the rest of the way around.
Monday, October 13, 2008
11 Weeks 3 Days
I can't believe I only have a week and a half left in my 1st trimester. It seems unreal, especially being that I still feel like crap. I'm starting to see a pattern though. If I do nothing but lay in bed for one day, then the next I move to the recliner and do minimal work, I'll feel great for the 3rd day. That's how this weekend went so yesterday we took a 4 hour car ride (I'll explain later) and I was fine the whole time, besides some cramping in my hips. Now today I'm exhausted and my stomach is off. I didn't take any naps yesterday between 7am and 10pm and I'm sure that's why.
Thursday and Friday were very rough nights for me. I'm feeling a little neglected, as I always do this time of year, when hunting starts. But this year it's worse. Most likely the extra hormones and feeling lonely. I hate the fact that even when B is with me, like yesterday, I can tell all he is thinking about is hunting, turkey, deer, whatever. And I can tell that he would rather be doing that than something with me and it just hurts.
He got upset with me on Saturday because he was leaving to go hunting and I was upset he was leaving again, but I wouldn't call some one to "hang out with". First off I only have one friend in town and she works all the time and we don't have many interests in common. She's more of a hippie, bike riding, guitar playing girl. Me I like my crocheting, reading, craft show type things. She actually doesn't even know I'm pregnant yet. Then there is my family, who I can only take so much of. My sister is great, but in her first semester of college and when she comes home her time is pretty much spent with her boyfriend and her home work, so unless you're going to take her to the mall for 8 hours, don't bother asking what she's doing. I also tried to explain to him that when I do go places right now I need to know that I can leave whenever I want in case I start to feel sick or overly exhausted and being that he was taking the vehicle I couldn't do that. Am I being difficult and selfish? I mean who wants to hang out with a girl who feels miserable, I know that doesn't mean that he wants to either, but does he really have that choice? He left me by myself Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday nights.
This is getting hellishly long so if you've stuck with me this long thanks so much. I'll leave our 4 hour trip to get pizza for tomorrow.
Thursday and Friday were very rough nights for me. I'm feeling a little neglected, as I always do this time of year, when hunting starts. But this year it's worse. Most likely the extra hormones and feeling lonely. I hate the fact that even when B is with me, like yesterday, I can tell all he is thinking about is hunting, turkey, deer, whatever. And I can tell that he would rather be doing that than something with me and it just hurts.
He got upset with me on Saturday because he was leaving to go hunting and I was upset he was leaving again, but I wouldn't call some one to "hang out with". First off I only have one friend in town and she works all the time and we don't have many interests in common. She's more of a hippie, bike riding, guitar playing girl. Me I like my crocheting, reading, craft show type things. She actually doesn't even know I'm pregnant yet. Then there is my family, who I can only take so much of. My sister is great, but in her first semester of college and when she comes home her time is pretty much spent with her boyfriend and her home work, so unless you're going to take her to the mall for 8 hours, don't bother asking what she's doing. I also tried to explain to him that when I do go places right now I need to know that I can leave whenever I want in case I start to feel sick or overly exhausted and being that he was taking the vehicle I couldn't do that. Am I being difficult and selfish? I mean who wants to hang out with a girl who feels miserable, I know that doesn't mean that he wants to either, but does he really have that choice? He left me by myself Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday nights.
This is getting hellishly long so if you've stuck with me this long thanks so much. I'll leave our 4 hour trip to get pizza for tomorrow.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Today's Appointment!
Well today's appointment went great. B wasn't able to make the appointment because of work, so my mom and sister went with me for moral support. I got there right on time, but had to wait in the waiting room for a half hour. Then when I finally got called back I had to wait in the exam room for a half hour. It sucked cause I had to pee and I was starving. To the point of feeling sick when I left. Anyway, she started out by saying that if she wasn't able to find the heartbeat she was going to immediately send me downstairs for an ultrasound. In way knowing that I wouldn't have to wait any amount of time for the u/s made me hope my uterus was tilted just enough to not hear it. But after probably 5 minutes of searching she was able to find the faintest beat. Very fast though. She said at this point in the pregnancy all the heartbeats "are girls" and it won't slow down for another month or two. She also said she doesn't need to see me for another 4 weeks. She did say something disappointing though. She said that she will schedule an anatomy u/s around 18 to 20 weeks, but if they don't get to see the sex, then I have to wait til birth. That kinda bothers me.
In other news, I actually know what I want for dinner tonight, and I couldn't wait to get home and tell B. He hates having to pick dinner so I knew he'd be excited. Well I get home and he isn't there, but sent a text saying he was on his way home. Some how I knew before I even saw them that there was more than just him and M walking up the stairs. Sure enough, the new guy they work with was with them. I swear no one that works there has a fricken car. So I let them tell me their story about how their boss got in an accident with the work truck because there were bees in the truck (he's allergic) and he was trying to get them away and ended up running into a mail truck. He asked about the appointment (which I sat there thinking through his story that he better). Then he proceeded to tell me that he forgot to take his mussel loader to work for his buddy so he has to take it to him tonight and he needs to take M and the new guy to the store and then take the new guy home. I was so mad! Tuesday he bowls and then Wednesday his friend called so he ended up subbing for another bowling team. So the only time I've seen him since Monday is in the morning for 20 minutes. So last night when he left he promised me that tonight we'd rent a movie and spend time together. Well lo and behold, here I sit alone once again. His only saving grace is that his friend suggested that I get what I wanted for dinner to go. So I'm waiting for him to drop that off to me.
Of course I've had a rough two days at work, on my feet all day and it's taking its toll. Even my boss can tell. His wife stopped by today and apparently he must have said something at home about how tired just walking to the floor and back to my office is making me. This tiredness also of course contributed to me crying like a baby tonight. Made B feel like an ass though and that actually made me happy because he's constantly off with his buddies and doesn't have the ability to tell them no.
So here I sit, tired and miserable, and starving... Where's my food?!?!?!
In other news, I actually know what I want for dinner tonight, and I couldn't wait to get home and tell B. He hates having to pick dinner so I knew he'd be excited. Well I get home and he isn't there, but sent a text saying he was on his way home. Some how I knew before I even saw them that there was more than just him and M walking up the stairs. Sure enough, the new guy they work with was with them. I swear no one that works there has a fricken car. So I let them tell me their story about how their boss got in an accident with the work truck because there were bees in the truck (he's allergic) and he was trying to get them away and ended up running into a mail truck. He asked about the appointment (which I sat there thinking through his story that he better). Then he proceeded to tell me that he forgot to take his mussel loader to work for his buddy so he has to take it to him tonight and he needs to take M and the new guy to the store and then take the new guy home. I was so mad! Tuesday he bowls and then Wednesday his friend called so he ended up subbing for another bowling team. So the only time I've seen him since Monday is in the morning for 20 minutes. So last night when he left he promised me that tonight we'd rent a movie and spend time together. Well lo and behold, here I sit alone once again. His only saving grace is that his friend suggested that I get what I wanted for dinner to go. So I'm waiting for him to drop that off to me.
Of course I've had a rough two days at work, on my feet all day and it's taking its toll. Even my boss can tell. His wife stopped by today and apparently he must have said something at home about how tired just walking to the floor and back to my office is making me. This tiredness also of course contributed to me crying like a baby tonight. Made B feel like an ass though and that actually made me happy because he's constantly off with his buddies and doesn't have the ability to tell them no.
So here I sit, tired and miserable, and starving... Where's my food?!?!?!
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
New Leaf and House Guests
Well not much going on here. I know it's been a few days, I've been extremely tired and not feeling so hot in general. Also, after my review at work last week I decided it's time to turn over a new leaf here at work. I'm trying to spend less time on the internet which means less blogging. Hopefully soon my energy will return though and I'll be able to get on more from home. As of right now when I get home from work I spend a half hour or so chatting with B and then it's off to the bedroom. Last night I could barely function. I was asleep by 7 and slept all the way til 5:15 this morning. I'm feeling a little less tired today though, for the time being.
We also have some house guests right now. A guy that works with B, and is also his friend, we'll call him M, was kicked out of the place he was sharing with another buddy (the other guy thought he was sleeping with his girlfriend or something off the wall like that). Now I know he wasn't sleeping with the girl cause he has a girlfriend, D, who is also now staying with us, that he loves very much. Anyway, they were staying at his dad's camp, but now that it's getting down into the 30s at night, it's a little cold to be there without heat. So we have offered for them to stay on the futon in out basement until they can find a place. It actually isn't that bad, and I know D loves it cause she now gets to sleep in in the morning cause I take them both to work. The only hard part is getting laundry done. I like to respect their privacy and not walk downstairs when they are home, but to get to the washing machine I have to go through their room. Not a big deal when they aren't there, but I hate chancing they are taking a nap or something.
Anyway, that's what's going on with me, nothing too exciting. I have a Dr.'s appointment on Thursday.
We also have some house guests right now. A guy that works with B, and is also his friend, we'll call him M, was kicked out of the place he was sharing with another buddy (the other guy thought he was sleeping with his girlfriend or something off the wall like that). Now I know he wasn't sleeping with the girl cause he has a girlfriend, D, who is also now staying with us, that he loves very much. Anyway, they were staying at his dad's camp, but now that it's getting down into the 30s at night, it's a little cold to be there without heat. So we have offered for them to stay on the futon in out basement until they can find a place. It actually isn't that bad, and I know D loves it cause she now gets to sleep in in the morning cause I take them both to work. The only hard part is getting laundry done. I like to respect their privacy and not walk downstairs when they are home, but to get to the washing machine I have to go through their room. Not a big deal when they aren't there, but I hate chancing they are taking a nap or something.
Anyway, that's what's going on with me, nothing too exciting. I have a Dr.'s appointment on Thursday.
Friday, October 3, 2008
10 Weeks... 1/4 of the way... Disappointment...
You choose the title you want to go with...
10 Weeks = Fetus = 1/4 of the way there
It's been a long 10th week, but that's ok. I've actually made it to work every day, for most of the day all week. The only reasons I've left early is for appointments. Today may be a different story though. I'm so exhausted, I think the rest of the week is catching up with me. And my muscles are sore. I just have to make it through this morning and then I think I may go home. I'm not even sure if my boss is going to be here today.
10 Weeks = Fetus = 1/4 of the way there
It's been a long 10th week, but that's ok. I've actually made it to work every day, for most of the day all week. The only reasons I've left early is for appointments. Today may be a different story though. I'm so exhausted, I think the rest of the week is catching up with me. And my muscles are sore. I just have to make it through this morning and then I think I may go home. I'm not even sure if my boss is going to be here today.
Disappointment...
Is what I got when I went to the bank yesterday. I mean it's not as bad as it could be, but it's not as good as I thought either. Right now we can afford a $40K house, based on my income alone. I don't want to count Brian's because he is going to be laid off soon and I have no idea what he's going to be bringing home then. She did make a suggestion though. The month just started, and I just paid rent. Now put $300 in my savings and see if we can live the month with what's left over. If we can, then we can afford a $70K house. I'm definitely willing to try, plus it will beef up our savings for more of a down payment. She was really helpful and I'm so glad I went. I really hope we can do this. I'm not looking for my dream home, but I do want one that we can raise 2 kids in for a while. I've also decided that I want to stop using my credit card for a while and pay for everything with cash. This way I can get a better handle on our spending habits and make changes where I need to. Plus it may help us pay down the balance, it isn't that bad, but for my liking it is.
Oh and I forgot, I've got some good news too! I had my annual review yesterday and I'm getting a raise! $20 a week!!! My review itself wasn't that great mainly because I have a hard time pushing other people to do things, but I'm going to work on that over the next year, well I guess I should say 7 months, so that I can get an even bigger raise next year.
I think that's about it, I'll stop rambling now and get to work on improving my work ethic, LOL!
Thursday, October 2, 2008
So much going on!
Yesterday was my first appointment with Dr. W. I'm not really sure what I think to be honest. She talks a lot about things I could really care less about, like her family history. Apparently her father cheated on her mother with his secretary. And now he's married to another woman with a 3 year old daughter. I'm sorry, but like you, I didn't need to know that. The appointment wasn't all that exciting. She did my exam, but forgot to take one of the swabs so she had to go in there twice. She was completely honest about the fact that she doesn't get overly excited for the woman until she is out of the 1st trimester, which is fine by me.
To my disappointment she normally only does one ultrasound at 20 weeks. I'm a little disheartened by that. Not that I want to an u/s every week, but I was hoping for once every month or two, just to make sure things are going normally. I'm sure if I talk to the nurse she would be willing to schedule me a few more if I start to get anxious.
She also said that due to my history with depression she will most likely put me on anti-depressants immediately after birth to prevent postpartum depression, which I'm fine with. I've always had a fear of that happening.
My uterus is tilted back so she wasn't able to find a heartbeat. This didn't worry her too much because my cervix is still fine and my uterus is the size it should be, plus the symptoms. She is having me come back next week though and if she still can't hear the heartbeat on the doppler she is going to send me for an ultrasound to make sure everything is OK.
I think that's about it on the baby front. I'm feeling like crap today though.
In other news, I have an appointment with the loan officer at the bank today. She's going to see what we can do about getting a house. I'm really torn on this house that we looked at the other day. I think he is asking too much for it, especially being that it's a double wide and honestly they don't go up in value so it's like we are basically investing in the land. Plus it's not the type of house I really want, but it's nice. My thing is, what if we can't find another house that we can afford before the baby's due? I really want to move before then. And it seems like B is stuck on this house. I think it's mostly because it's right up next to his dad's. I just don't know... I guess a lot will depend on what the bank says today about what we can afford.
Anyone else have any advice?
To my disappointment she normally only does one ultrasound at 20 weeks. I'm a little disheartened by that. Not that I want to an u/s every week, but I was hoping for once every month or two, just to make sure things are going normally. I'm sure if I talk to the nurse she would be willing to schedule me a few more if I start to get anxious.
She also said that due to my history with depression she will most likely put me on anti-depressants immediately after birth to prevent postpartum depression, which I'm fine with. I've always had a fear of that happening.
My uterus is tilted back so she wasn't able to find a heartbeat. This didn't worry her too much because my cervix is still fine and my uterus is the size it should be, plus the symptoms. She is having me come back next week though and if she still can't hear the heartbeat on the doppler she is going to send me for an ultrasound to make sure everything is OK.
I think that's about it on the baby front. I'm feeling like crap today though.
In other news, I have an appointment with the loan officer at the bank today. She's going to see what we can do about getting a house. I'm really torn on this house that we looked at the other day. I think he is asking too much for it, especially being that it's a double wide and honestly they don't go up in value so it's like we are basically investing in the land. Plus it's not the type of house I really want, but it's nice. My thing is, what if we can't find another house that we can afford before the baby's due? I really want to move before then. And it seems like B is stuck on this house. I think it's mostly because it's right up next to his dad's. I just don't know... I guess a lot will depend on what the bank says today about what we can afford.
Anyone else have any advice?
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