Dreams

Normally I don't mind dreaming. My dreams are pretty interesting with the things they have in them. Once in a while I have scary ones where people are chasing me and trying to kill to and I don't want to go back to sleep (cause they start all over again), but most of the time they are entertaining.

Well last night I was only sleeping maybe an hour at a time so I must have been going in and out of the dream. I only remember a bit of the beginning. We were camping and having a birthday party for my dad or grandpa or someone. Well every one was there for a few days before the party. Well I was exhausted the day before the party so the day of I decided to take and HPT. There were two lines plain as day. I was so scared and excited. I wasn't sure if I wanted to tell anyone because of last time, but decided I had to because my grandparents were here and I wanted to tell them in person. So I told my mom and she acted like it was no big deal, she said "well look what happened last time." B wasn't around for me to tell and it was party time. So I didnt want to tell my grandparents until I could be alone with them. So the party goes on and whoever it was for got some really weird gifts. Anyway, after the party my grandparents were packing to leave and my dad was with them. But for some reason I didn't want to tell my dad. So we are all leaving in our campers and I decided I'll just call them while I can atleast see them through the window. I dial and it starts ringing, but so does my purse. I had grandma's phone! So my dad calls from his cell (he's in their camper) and asks what's up and I say "I just wanted to tell them that I'm pregnant again." He says "we already know hunny." And I was like how, he says "we can just tell" and that's when I woke up.

I was so sad when I woke though. I want it to be so true, but I just don't think it is.

And please people don't judge me for what I am about to say. I want a baby more than anything, but I'm so sick of living half my life like I'm pregnant because "I might be with baby". I just can't take it any more. If I'm going to truly relax like everyone says, I'm going to keep smoking and drinking and all that like I normally do. Now don't get me wrong, that doesn't mean I'm getting wasted and being stupid. But last night, over a period of 4 or 5 hours I had 4 or 5 beers, right along with everyone else like I normally would have. And just the thought of trying to force myself not to smoke along with not to think about being pregnant stresses me out, let alone actually doing it. Please tell me there are other women out there that do the same thing, I can't be the only one to feel this way!