Depressing

There's lots going on lately, but most of it is depressing so I haven't been writing much about it.  I mean who wants to read a blog about depressing shit.  So in a nutshell here's what's up...

• We are BROKE.  Daycare is sucking the $$$ out of us and I'm trying to find a way to fix this without having to do unthinkable things.
• Laney is still suffering from her reflux issues and I feel horrible for her.  Although she has been better through the night the last few nights.  
• Tuesday I went and signed the release papers to switch the girls to a new doctor.  I need some one who is going to take Laney's issues seriously and not treat me like I'm over reacting because my kids cries and spits up.
• Lillian has all of a sudden decided to start up with the back talking and inappropriate tones when talking to adults again.  
• Screaming baby and mouthy pre-schooler make for one irritable mama.
• B has left on a 4 day hunting trip.
• Hunting has started...
• I HATE hunting season...
• Both of my sitters have decided to take the sames days off so now I have to take time off of work to stay home with the kids.  Finding a sitter (because every one I know works!) has been challenging, but I think I finally found a sitter for 2 of the days so I only have to use one vacation day.
• Hunting season sucks. Yes it sucks enough to be repeated!

Hope everyone else is a little less stressed!

The Compassionate One?

This weekend there was some major role reversing in my house and I don’t like it.  What I don’t like even more is that I’m not sure I would react any differently at this moment as I did when it happened.

If you remember last weekend was one with little sleep.  So much so that I didn’t even go to work on Monday.  Starting Monday night things weren’t too bad with Laney.  She pretty much slept through the night all week   She woke up earlier than usual a few days, but nothing too out of the ordinary.  

Lillian was pretty good all week.  No major fights, no bathroom accidents and no major bed time issues either!

B, well, he behaved, but it wasn’t his finest week.  Monday he came down with a cold and basically came home from work and went to bed.  Tuesday he bowled, Wed he came home whining and complaining again.  Thursday I was glad for a night away and Friday he was still miserable.

Well Wednesday I started coming down with the cold too.  But you know since I’m mom I had to suck it up…

You’ve been home with the kids for two hours buy yourself and neither one of them wants to leave you alone? Oh that’s too bad cause my head’s been hurting all day…

What, you’re tired?  Well, get the girls fed, bathed and to bed and you can go to bed…

Why haven’t you taken anything?  Oh you can’t take much cause your nursing?  Ok, well I’m going to take the last 2 of the pills you can take cause they worked last time…

This may or may not be a slight exaggeration of how things happened, but in my snot filled head it’s how I felt…

So Friday night, when Lillian comes to my room, only 2 short hours after I get a once again not sleeping Laney to bed, crying because he throat hurts I tried my best.  She asked for a cough drop, but because she was going to pass back out I said no.  One I didn’t want her choking and two I didn’t want it falling out of her mouth onto my bed or even worse getting stuck in her hair!  She’s crying and screaming, B comes in, an I’m suggesting different drinks for her (she has had no signs of getting this cold and nothing is wrong other than a sore throat, or at least I had to assume since she wouldn’t answer me with anything other than a high pitched whine).  B goes in the bathroom looking for something, I don’t really know what, I’m assuming medicine, but we don’t have any because she refuses to take it anyway.  So I’m trying to explain to Lilli that crying out like that is only going to make it hurt more.  I become exasperated.  I try to give her a drink and she screams at me “No, I don’t want it!”  So I say to her “Well I don’t know what to tell you if you aren’t going to listen to me.” And I lay back down.  She’s now in my bed next to me crying.  B yells at me for not being nicer.  He says something to her and she calms down enough to watch “her show” and after a half hour we are back to sleep.

I won’t go into the next waking with Laney or my lack of sleep the rest of the weekend, but I feel bad about the way I spoke to her.  But right now, in this moment, my more awake (but not more rested) self would tell her the same thing.

When did I become the one with no patience?  When did B become the one with the compassion?  Last night I wanted to yell at Laney because she wouldn’t stop screaming and I can’t figure out why.  I feel so inept as a mom right now.

Friday Phone Dump

I'm glad it's a Friday and I don't have to think too  much about this post.  I feel crappy and my mind is moving in slow motion after being in overdrive yesterday.  So enjoy...

How we slept Sat and Sun Nights

My Lilli was a chunker!

Practicing B for Daddy's name

"Come on mom I know it's late, but at least I'm not screaming!"
She thought 9:30pm was a good time to work on crawling.

First and second teeth

"That's for the table mom, it works great for teething!"

First teething biscuit

First frozen piece of fruit
(in one of those mesh things)

Composure

I’m having a hard time keeping my composure at work today.  It all started Saturday and I just can’t seem to keep myself under control anywhere.  So this is pretty much going to be a long whiny post if you don't want to hear me be all "oh poor me".

Friday night I took Lillian to see Nemo in 3D.  I think I enjoyed it more than she did.  Although she did great sitting through the movie.  On the way home she wanted to know why Sissy didn’t come, cause she wanted her to.  Me, not so much, it was nice to have a little one on one with my big girl.

Saturday that all changed around noon.  Lilli and I made teething biscuits for Laney and peaches, while she slept.  Around noon when she got up she had the peaches for the first time.  She seemed to like them just as she has liked all the other fruits.  Well around 1 the mood of the day changed drastically.  Laney started crying and growling as she does when she’s upset, so much for folding laundry.  I decided to try giving her a piece of frozen peach in one of those mesh things.  Silly mommy thought it might be her teeth coming in that’s bothering her.  Well I just get the bib on and hand her the peach and BAM, out comes the 2oz of peaches she had eaten along with a crap ton of slimy phlegm type stuff.  Ok, it wasn’t all 2oz and the mess was nicely contained on her bib, PJs and highchair.  I removed her sleeper while she was still in the highchair and the cover and its contents were easily removed and put into the washer.  So I took her temp.  100.2 and then it was a bath.  After bath I spent the next 3 hours sitting in one position on my bed while she slept.  Any time I even tried to move she stirred and started to cry.  Her fever went up to 101 and back down over and over.  Poor girl was tired and uncomfortable. 

All night was pure HELL.  Worse than newborn, she didn’t sleep a full hour straight and when she woke up it was all gut wrenching screaming.  When she did sleep I had to be in a completely upright sitting position.  I had pillows tucked every where cause after a while I just couldn’t keep my eyes open. 

Her nose got runny.  To the point I had to give her 2 bottles because she couldn’t nurse long enough to get a let down.  And the few times she did, she choked on it.  So yeah, feeding then trying to pump with a baby that has to be held upright… impossible!

Anyway I'm sure you get the picture, mommy got no sleep and baby is miserable.

Sunday was football and I seriously thought about staying home, but there was going to be yummy food and people to help me hold the baby.  So I thought.  By the end of the first quarter I decided to take Laney up to the living room (we watch the games in the Bills Cave, AKA Uncle Joe's basement).  Every time there is a good play it was all Woot Woot! and then when they actually score they blare music.  While it didn't scare her, Laney couldn't fall asleep.  I really hadn't thought about this being a problem since rarely do the Buffalo Bills score.

So we I watched the game upstairs in the recliner while Laney slept yet again on me so she could be upright.

Sunday night was more of the same... Monday I snoozed through my workout time, got up took a shower and let B convince me to stay home because I was too tired to work.  This was quite obvious when I put shampoo in my hair twice.  I took both girls to the sitter and went home to eat and sleep.  Not as easy as it sounds..  I did get about an hour though and it was refreshing.  My arms, neck, shoulders, back and even abs were very sore from the positions I'd been sleeping in.

Last night while Laney still didn't go to bed until 10:30, she wasn't screaming and she slept til 4!

Mommy on the other hand is still trying to catch up.  My bosses mood is making me want to lash out!

Friday Phone Dump!

In big news, Delaney's first tooth finally popped through yesterday!  The second one is right there with it and one side is through!  Oh and she slept through the night again last night and has been in her own bed for a week now!

Lilli's finally tracing!

Glue, glitter and feathers, yes please!

Mommy made her some popsicle stick puzzles while she cut...
and cut... and cut some more...

And then she passed out coloring around 7:30!

Football has started again!
Don't judge, I didn't get to pick the team.

Hi Grandma!
I really am too cute!

She loves to cook!

Mom, get her off me!
Are you seeing the trend here?

Versatile Blogger Award!

I'm honored, Ashley over at First Came the Baby has awarded me the Versatile Blogger Award!

Ashley may be doing things a little backwards, but she's having fun doing it!  Go Check her out!

The rules of receiving this reward are...

1. Nominate up to 15 fellow bloggers, who are 

relatively new to blogging.

2. Let the nominated bloggers know 

they have been nominated.

3. Share 7 random facts about yourself.

4. Thank the blogger who nominated you, a

nd link back to them in your post.

5. Add the Versatile Blogger 

award picture to your post.

My Nominations:

Just Another Friday

Life in Bloom

Yo-Yo-Mamma

Bellalotte

7 Random Facts About Me:

1. I have a hard time letting go of how things were when I was 

growing up vs now as an adult.

2. I love giving birth.  It hurts like hell, but there is nothing 

like those first moments and days.

3. I love Christmas because I think it's the pretties holiday.  

I've wrapped empty boxes just cause I think they're pretty.

4. I'm a control freak...

5. My birthday is Tax Day

6. I've totally used my kids as an excuse to get out of things.

7. I really want to move to NC, but won't 

because I'd miss my mamma.

Thanks for the nomination Ashley!  

If you haven't already, go check out the blogs I've nominated, they're awesome ladies!

Co Sleeping

So I never thought I'd be one to co-sleep with my children.  In fact, I was against it.  I mean it can be dangerous, you could roll over, the blankets.... the list goes on.

Then I had a new born.  Still scared to death in the beginning I would get up with her, change her in her room, feed her and then put her back in the bassinet. Problem was, I wasn't putting her back in the bassinet until I was waking up a half hour later.  I was scared to death I was going to drop her.  Then we learned how to feed laying down.  That was the end of it.  I would fall asleep while she ate, she'd fall asleep and at some point I'd wake up and put her back in the bassinet.

Then Laney was born.  Getting her to sleep was impossible.  She cried for hours, you'd get her to sleep, lay her down and she'd wake up.  I can't tell you how many night I fell asleep propped up against my wall with pillows under both arms so she could sleep on my chest and I could still sleep too.  Then we discovered the reflux and we were able to sleep laying down again, but by this point she was so used to sleeping on me she would wake up the second I laid her down anyway.  So we started going to sleep with her eating (laying down)  I have a king size bed and it was just the two of us (that's a whole other post) so after she'd fall asleep I'd just get up and move to the other side of them and barricade her in with pillows.  At midnight we'd do the same thing.  This had been going on for quite some time now, OK more like 5 months and part of it is my fault.  I admit I like sleeping with her and having her cuddle up to me.

But Friday night I said enough is enough.  I want my bed back and I'd like my husband in it with me.  So Friday night after bath I changed her in her room, sat down with her, fed her and when she was done I took her off the boob (which wakes her up some) and let her fall asleep.

Saturday for both naps, I waited until she was good and tired and I laid her in her bed awake.  Both times she was able to put herself to sleep.  Bed time went well, but she woke up after a couple hours screaming off and on.  Even after I picked her up and took her to my room she was screaming.  I think it was teeth.  They looked a little red and she was chewing her thumb and screaming in her sleep.  We got through the night with only 4 wakings though.

Last night went great.  I don't think I was in there 10 minutes with her, including feeding her.  Then I decided that rather than take her to my room and lay down to feed her I'd sit in the chair and feed her.  It took about 10 minutes I think and she then slept in her crib until almost 6 this morning!

Hopefully I can keep up with sitting in her room to feed her at night.

Maybe tomorrow I'll write a post about my husband coming back to my bed...

Featured!

I'm feeling honored.

Ashleigh over at Life in Bloom has featured my story along with 2 other inspiring ladies!  Head on over and check us out!

Life in Bloom: It's All About You - Part 2

Friday Phone Dump

I think this may be a new thing.  I don’t know if I’ll do it weekly, but I’m sure I take enough pictures for at least every other week.  Here’s the last few weeks in pictures!

I love my new duck bath!

No Teether, No Problem, my feet will do!

Thanks for the Chocolate Shake Pocca!

Take my picture too mom!

No Sissy, It's my ice cream, mom will yell at me!

She had to pay for her ice cream some how.

This ice cream thing is boring...

CHEESE

I say pose, Lilli starts walking around singing
Ring around the Rosey  Pocket full of Posey...

Laney - 6 Months

It seems un-real to be half way through her first year!

 Newborn     6 Months

 

It seems weird that she actually had a well child visit:

Length: 27.25” (95%)

Weight: 16lb 5oz ( 59% This is actually and ounce less than last month)

*Dr. Do Nothing did comment that her weight gain has slowed and will slow even more as she starts to crawl and get around more.  She isn't concerned.  I on the other hand am a little, her weight gain didn't slow, it stopped last month.  Although she was comparing it to her 4 month weight of 15lb 3oz.

Diapers: Size 3, the huggies fit best now, but once she moves up in the weight limit we’ll have to switch back to pampers for the larger leg holes.

Clothes: Mostly 6 Month stuff.  Still fits some 3 month and already some 9 month.

Toys: We’ve gotten out the “bigger” toys.  She’s still loving the exersaucer and now the Jumperoo too.  She’s also very interested in her moving ball and the gumball machine toy.

Food: She is very interested in food.  We started her last month and now she eats sweet potatoes, green beans, plums and pears.  We only use cereal once in a while to thicken up a fruit that is overly runny.  She also had her first Melba toast that she did quite well with.

Sleep: Still waking up at least once a night to eat, some times twice.  And on a rare occasion Mommy gets a full night’s sleep.

She sits like a pro now and reaches for EVERYTHING, toys, food, your shirt, the back of the chair, anything she can get her hands on.

She is definitely interested in figuring out how to get around.  With her ball that rolls around on the floor with the lights you can see her mind working to figure out how to get to it.

Sure I play with this paper until Dr comes in!

At her well visit I informed Dr. Do nothing that I took her off the med that was supposed to make her stop spitting up and help her digest.  It wasn’t doing either and I thought it was pointless.  She agreed it was the right call.  She didn’t however say anything one way or the other about me giving her Miralax.  She, again, gave me a run down of the foods that would make her constipated and what wouldn’t.  See list above for all foods that promote healthy bowel movements.  It makes me sad to think that there are parents out there that need those things told to them several times, I just don’t happen to be one of them, thank you.  So until things become more get more regular I plan to keep with the Miralax.

Besides that she’s the perfect picture of health!

Until she puked all over last night :-(  And I don't just mean some spit up, I mean she covered my tank top wearing back, herself, and got some on the floor.  It took 2 receiving blankets to clean it up.  And it smelled horrible!  She was so scared and I felt so bad for her.  

She slept for a few hours and then woke up again.  She sounded like she may be sick again, but she moved around and farted *like a man* and was then happy as pie.  She ate and thought it was play time.  She lay there squealing with delight as I struggled to keep my eyes open.  She never had a fever over 100.2 and besides being clingy seems perfectly fine now.

The Totem Pole

Here at work I think the best place to be is some where in the middle.  It’s hard to get to the top.  My boss and his boss have both been here for 25+ years and there are still 2 positions above them just here in the plant, I don’t even want to know how many in the company globally.  I’m OK with this though because around here the people at the top of the pole have just as good of a chance of going as the people at the bottom. 

There was an unexpected meeting called yesterday afternoon by the VP of Engineering.  Engineering includes many different departments, product (my dept), equipment design, manufacturing, facility, etc.  Anyway, on the meeting invite there was no information on what it was for.  My boss realized though that there were names missing from the invite list.  At the meeting all the VP said was that the latest “reduction in work force” affected the Engineering dept in a big way.  From what we can see, we have lost at least 4 people from the engineering departments.  Thankfully my little department of 4 people wasn’t effected.

This has me thinking though.  Every time they let people go, it puts me closer and closer to the bottom of this pole.  Yes in seniority there is one guy below me because he started a year after I started full time, in time served it’s over 2 years, but he has many more year experience than I do, so in reality we are probably even although our expertise are in different areas.

I’m scared to death to think that in the next 6 months they could do this again and I could be one that gets let go… My family can’t handle that right now.  Our bank account can’t handle that right now.  I need to step up my game at work and start shining.  I don’t have much room to move up, but I can prove myself to be a valuable employee! 

Time to re-structure my days, so if you find me not commenting on your blogs as much, it’s not because I don’t want to, I’m just trying to fit it in some where else so I spend less time on the internet at work (shh I don’t do that).

*After writing this, another meeting was held where we were informed that the entire equipment design group was dissolved.  I’m glad to hear that about half of the employees were absorbed by other groups, but scary to think they can just get rid of a group like that.  Can’t wait to hear what our 1pm meeting holds…

4 and a Half Years

It's been that long since I had a reason to start this blog.  It's strange some times when I think about it now.  Its weird to think that if that little heart had kept beating I wouldn't have Lillian, but I would now have a 4 year old.

It still stings some times when I'm reminded of it, which thankfully isn't very often these days.  But this weekend as I was going through EVERY piece of clothing I own, I ran across this...

That arrow is pointing to the baby and the heartbeat the baby had that day.

It's amazing I still remember how excited I was all day when I found out and I remember thinking of how to tell B.  And him refusing to open the "Christmas" gift.  Oh that Christmas.  Still as I said in my first post, my favorite.  I don't think I ever posted these...

 I remember my mom and sister asking if it was ok to use the frames I gave for pictures of Lillian.  And I remember washing and putting away the outfit we gave B's mom.

Nothing really can replace those looks and that excitement.  I hope to have one more some day and I hope that we don't have to tell anyone we are TTC because I'd love to see faces like that again one day...

So happy to have my girls today though.  Sorry for the bummer post, just wanted to remind people that although time heals, it can't take it away.