Monday's Suck!!!

I hate Mondays and today has already been terrible, and it's only 7am!

Not that any of you really want to know this, but I have terrible hemrroids and they were so bad this morning I cried! It hurts to walk, sit, lay down, you name it, it hurts.

Then I dropped Lilly off with Nana and for the first time I got in the car and cried. I hated leaving her this weekend. I can't wait to get home tonight and hold her. Or for Friday when I get to spend the whole day with her! It may be in a car, but I'll be with her!

Then I'm walking into work, carrying my pump, my purse and my coffee (which is honestly less than what I used to carry to and from work every day) and I tripped and fell. I have skin stuck to the inside of my pants from my knees and the palm of my left hand is all scraped up and the blood vessel that runs up the rist by the crease at the bottom of your thumb is all swollen and bruised.

Today I really just want to go get my daughter and lay in bed with her all day!

My weekend was good though. Saturday morning I woke up and pumped and B took care of Lilly and let me sleep 2 extra hours. Then I showered and took care of her while he showered. Then I was off to the mall, BY MYSELF!!! B took care of Lilly by himself for 6 hours on Saturday! And he only called me once to find out where the gas drops were and how to give them to her. I was very proud of him!

Yesterday was a pretty good day as I got to spend it with Lilly. Daddy went fishing so we had some girl time. Then my mom called and invited us up for dinner. It was a great day overall.

I can't wait to get home tonight!

Milk Coma

Just because I think she's cute!

Thanks Everyone!

I want to thank everyone for the advice and well wishes on my last few posts. I'm so happy it's Friday and I can spend the weekend with my little girl! Although I did tell B last night that I think I may just take off for a few hours this weekend so they can have some bonding time. I just want to make sure she doesn't sleep the whole time. I mean that certainly won't show him how time consuming taking care of her can be.

I'm exhausted today and woke up to a very wet sleeping bra. I was so tired last night that when Lilly was hunger at 9 we fed laying down. She did come off after not long, but I knew if I put her in the bassinet she was going to get fussy, so she stayed where she was until I woke up just after 10 because I dozed off. At that point I was way too tired to pump so I pumped what came out quickly and that was it. Its been a long time since I pumped 9oz at once. Today to keep my supply up, I'm trying to drink 20oz of water between each pumping. We'll see how that goes and if it works.

The Break Down

Well last night I finally broke down and cried. I just couldn't take it. When I picked Lilly up from Nana's (that's what we call her sitter, she's been Nana for 18 years now to me) they were sitting on the porch watching the cars go by and talking. Lilly was smiling and talking, it was so cute.

Well I got her home and she started to get fussy so I got the Moby Wrap out and she fell asleep within minutes of being put in it. And thankfully she slept long enough to let me get 2 loads of laundry folded. Then she woke up and was fussy. She cried terribly off and on. Then when I fed her she was on there for over an hour! Every time she'd come off if I didn't get her right back on her lip would quiver and she'd cry out. (How long should she be on there?)

I started crying because I want those happy times where she's smiling and cooing! I want her to be happy to come home, not cry all night. Am I doing something wrong? I feel like even at her young age she likes Nana better than me. Is that possible?

On a better note, thanks to some great advice I got yesterday BFing went great last night! My boobs are sore and feeling a little bruised today, but no nipple pain like before! I hope tonight is just as good!

Toys?

So being a new mommy, I'm not sure what to do. Lilly is becoming bored with the things she has, which isn't really much I guess. She isn't all that into her play mat because that requires her laying on her back. I'm not really sure what a 7 week old should be "playing" with.

I think I'm going to try more and more with the play mat cause she likes the toys and sounds, she just doesn't like to be on it for long periods of time. Besides that, what kind of toys should she have?

Things are going well with the baby sitter and I'm really wishing she would do it full time, but I know that isn't an option. Leaving her today was pretty hard, I think harder than the first day only cause I'm starting to miss her more the longer I'm away. I love that when I get home B lets me cuddle with her. We've started this pattern that I take care of her at night and he takes care of her in the morning. He really enjoys giving her bottle first thing in the morning, she's very cuddly then.

Also, I'm trying really hard to feed her off the breast for her two feedings at night now. It was really painful last night though. I'm not sure what to do about it. She basically causes blisters on the end of my nipple. It won't hurt when she is constantly sucking because she gets the nipple far enough back, but then she sucks in spurts and that's when it starts to hurt because the latch changes. Any suggestions on how to get her to keep sucking to make sure her latch doesn't change? Once she gets lazy she won't open her mouth wide either so taking her off and putting her back on gets frustrating cause I have to do it so many times.

Happy hump day everyone!

The Beginning of a few rants... Consideration

I'm a little annoyed with my husband. OK, make that a lot annoyed.

Back when we were trying to get pregnant we both decided that we were going to quit smoking when it happened. Well when it finally happened I of course quit the second the test was positive, well technically it was the night before when I had my last cigarette. Anyway, he didn't quit and continued to smoke in front of me until I finally blew up at him. Then he basically just quit smoking in front of me. At one point he said he was trying to quit, but hanging out with the boys made it impossible. This is when he started trying to tell me that he wasn't smoking, but I knew he was. I didn't really say much about it because I appreciated the fact that at least he wasn't smoking in front of me.

Well then he said that once she got here he was definitely going to quit completely. Well he didn't, but again had the consideration not to do it in front of me. But the part I hate is that he's lying to me about it. He's telling me he isn't smoking when I know he is. And the part that really kills me is that he's started smoking pot again. I think this bothers me the most because it is something I'm strongly against and I told him before he even proposed to me that I'm not ok with it and if he didn't plan on quiting then not to bother marrying me. Now before you say "well why'd you marry him if he didn't quit?" He did quit, but now he's working with a guy (who also happens to live below us) that smokes on a daily basis and apparently he can't tell his friends no. This really upsets me. I don't mind so much if its a once in a great while thing, but for a week he came home high every night and then tried to tell me that he wasn't and I didn't know what I was talking about.

Then that weekend we stayed at my mom's camp I found out that he had some on him and offered it to her DF. So they got high while they were out fishing. That night when we were all drinking (after I found out that he was smoking both that day) he couldn't resist the urge to have a cigarette. I was so mad at him for even thinking about smoking in front of me. I find it harder now not to smoke than I did in the beginning because I don't have her growing inside me anymore. I just thought this was something that we were going to do together and support each other and well, he's not. So when we got home from camping and I was getting the laundry ready and checking the pockets I found rolling papers in his pants pocket. I held them up and just looked at him (he didn't know at the time that I knew he was smoking). He said to me "I wonder how long they've been there?" Oh if Lilly hadn't been in the room...

So the other night when he was drunk he says to me "I'm not gonna lie, I bought a pack of cigarettes tonight and I smoked while I was downstairs." I just said "Oh really? I couldn't tell." The next evening when he was sober I told him that I'm not an idiot like he seems to think I am. I know when he smokes at work and any other time. He now once again says he wants to quit smoking. Can't wait to see how long it lasts this time...

Back to Work... Did you get the email?

Well first off, today is my first day back to work. I can't believe it's already here. I will say I'm handling it better than I thought I would, but it still isn't easy. I surprisingly haven't cried yet, but I'm sure that is partly due to my happy pills. I'm honestly trying not to think about it, but its hard when I have to go pump and such.

I know my little girl is in good hands right now as I've know the woman watching her for almost 20 years now. She babysat my little sister for years.

I'm in the process of calling on other sitters though as this is only temporary. I'm also calling a new pediatrician today, I hope she's accepting new patients!

Also, I just sent out an email to all the people who wanted to be invited to read once this goes private. If you didn't get the email let me know, it means I accidently didn't get you on the list, or I have your email wrong.

Any happy thoughts would be appreciated today as my anxiety is on the edge of poking through.

Thanks!

Thanks for all the compliments ladies, but I really can't take all the credit. Well I can take some it for her being so cute, but the creativity is some one else's. Thanks to one of my TLT buddies I found this website imikimi.com that has all these layouts already done and all you have to do is add pictures. It even changed the color of them automatically on that one!

I'll probably be making this private tomorrow (if I have time) so if anyone hasn't sent me their email address, please do.

imikimi - Customize Your World!

Nipple Confusion

Yes my daughter has it, but in a good way!

I'm actually down to feeding her on the breast maybe once or twice a day, some days not at all. I've been using the Playtex Nurser Drop-in Bottles and they've actually helped the latching process I think cause the base of the nipple is wide. I was using the breast-flow, but she was getting too much air.

Anyway, the confusion comes in when she gets her binkie. She keeps her mouth open too wide and can't latch on. It frustrates her so much and I feel bad, but I'd much rather have the confusion that way rather than the other.

I also have some confusion about the pain I get when feeding her off the breast. It doesn't actually hurt while I'm feeding her, that's why I don't think it's a latching problem, but when she is done I get these really sharp pains in the areola area. Almost like a strong tugging feeling and it really hurts, I don't get it when I pump though so I don't know what to think. This is why I've been mostly pumping and giving her a bottle. Either way I'm ok with it cause at least she is getting my breastmilk.

PS ~ Don't forget to email me if you want to be invited to read after I go private next week. (email's in my profile)

1 Month, Going Private

***Update: You can get my email on my profile, or just leave a comment with your email address.

Well, I really can't believe it's been a month already! And what a month it's been. From some PPD to her wonderful little milestones!

At one month:

21inches and 9lbs (my own measurements)

• she is sleeping in her crib at night, and sleeping from 8 or 9 til some time between 11 and 2 and then sleeping again until at least 5. And the other night she slept from 9pm til 7am! It was great!
• She's been smiling at mommy and daddy a lot.
• She's staying awake longer and longer.
• She loves tummy time and has a really strong neck.
• She's grown into the size 1 diapers
• and lastly she is growing out of some of her newborn clothes :(
• She went on her first camping trip this weekend.

As for mommy, over the holiday weekend I drank for the first time. It was a great weekend. I managed to time all my drinking and pumping perfectly though because I didn't have to dump any of it. I have to say I love that they now have test strips to test your milk for alcohol content.

Ok and last but not least, I have decided to go private for a while. I have some things that I've wanted to say, but haven't for fear that certain people may find my blog. So if you would like to continue reading please send me an email and let me know. I value every one's opinions and advice and is why I want to write about these other things, but can't chance hurting the feelings of people close to me. I won't officially go private for another week at least.

Well off to get some house work done while my angle is sleeping, and I'll leave you with some pics on her 1 month birthday.

First thing in the morning saying goodbye to her grandma

Spending time with great-grandma and Pop-Pop

Taking a nap while camping.