Mommies Don't Quit

Warning: If you are having trouble TTC, this may not be a post you want to read at this time. Like my subtitle says, the TRUTH about Miscarriage, Motherhood and Secondary Infertility.

Last night was a break down for me. By the time we made the 20 minute drive home from the grocery store I had been called, stupid and a jerk, told "don't talk to me" and "leave me alone" numerous times. By the time we reached the driveway I was frustrated and crying. I called my mom and asked to go over for dinner. And of course my child was pretty much an angel while we were there.

I have read article after article saying that a 2 year old doesn't know how to back talk*. Well I don't believe it. If I tell my daughter "we don't use words like that, they aren't nice" she yells back to me "NO, Don't talk to me mom!" So I will say something like "You shouldn't talk to mommy that way." or "I'm your mommy and I will talk to you."

When she's freaking out because something isn't going her way I try to get her to calm down by sitting with me and talking about it, but that just creates an even bigger issue because she doesn't want to sit with me. I don't think she quite understands the concept of time out yet. It bothers her to have to sit there, but she doesn't relate why she's sitting there with what she did, even when I explain it to her.

She will get mad and bring her hand up like she is going to hit me and I will tell her "hitting isn't nice. Would you like it if mommy hit you?" Her new response is "Yes hit me mommy."

We have used spanking a few times and while it gets her attention, it has thinking that any time something she doesn't like happens, or when she can't get something to work, she can "spank". Her poor dolls have been abused because she can't get the size 4 diaper to fit them and because she tries putting a toddler sized blanket on her doll stroller and pushing it. I don't want her thinking that any time some one makes her mad she can hit them because "It's a spanking".

I refuse to give up though, I will NOT be a mommy on Nanny 911 and I will NOT have a child that runs my house. I don't know how I will accomplish this yet, but I will. I WILL NOT GIVE UP!

* Yes I know moat people think their kids are advanced in some way, but do not believe my daughter has the inteligence of a 2 year old. I believe she is some where near 2 1/2 or 3 when it comes to comprehension and language. And this is not my own opinion, her pediatrition can't believe the conversations she can have for such a young age and neither can most strangers we run into at the store.

Adult Time...

There doesn't seem to be enough of it around these parts lately. I find myself struggling with my feelings as a mother and wife and wondering what I can do to get that "I have everything" feeling back. I know I have everything, but something inside is telling me that there is something missing.

I know part of it is the lack of adult time. "You've lost that loving feeling..."* is running through my head because I think that's what I'm lacking. I know I am very loved by my husband and I love him very much too, but knowing it and feeling it are two different things. Well at least to most women. Everything has just become so systematic lately that there doesn't even seem to be time for those little "I love you" glances where you just look at each other and know. And it's funny because he tells me he loves me all the time. So now I want to "Bring back that loving feeling..." and I think the only way to do it is make some adult time.

I think our bowling leagues have ended at the right time and our couples spring league can't start soon enough. Two weeks seems too far away! How do you incorporate "adult time" into your life? What do you do with your love to keep your connection?

* That Loving Feeling by Righteous Brothers

You Pick

I have thought of so many titles I could use for this post. 1. Can't Type... 2. Nanny 911! 3. Adult Time? 4. Assvice 5. Terrible Twos? I could keep going, but really it doesn't matter. It was a trying weekend again. And in all reality it was most likely just a combination of several things. I have once again realized how dependant I am on my "happy pills" and as much as I hate it I am going to learn to get over it. I forgot to take them for several days due to my routine being off and it culminated yesterday in several out burst of tears, from my own eyes. Saturday Lillian and I went shopping for her birthday party supplies. Considering her independent stage and being surrounded by everything a kid wants, things went considerably well. When we went to Tar.get for some other things, we had a small melt down in the toy section because she wanted the baby doll, and if there is one thing this girl has plenty of, it's baby dolls. Lunch at Frien.dly's involved some mouthing off and whining, but taking everything away from her and telling her she wasn't getting it back until she could be polite and ask nicely seemed to solve things. Over all I would consider it a successful trip to the mall. She's acted better and worse. Sunday was a cluster of yard work, more shopping, house work and toddler fits. We started the day all excited to go out and work in the yard. We quickly realized that Lillian wanted to help with EVERYTHING! Of course her push lawn mower from last year was not satisfying her since we were raking and using the riding lawn mower. So it was off to the store to find Lillian a rake and some gardening supplies for me. This trip only resulted in one tantrum because I wouldn't let her just sit in the kids' recliners at the store while I shopped. Not quite short lived, but I picked her up and went on about my business ignoring her. When we finally made it home she had passed out so I left her sleeping in the car while B and I continued working on the yard. When she woke up she was very excited to help rake. But later when we were in the house and I was trying to do hook up my printer and then work on laundry she was continually throwing fits. Over everything. If something didn't work just right she was throwing things and screaming. I couldn't get her to calm down and it wore on me quickly. Any time I told her no she was mouthy and acting like she was going to hit me (though she doesn't because I ask her if she wants me to hit her). I feel like one of those mom's on a Nanny show that can't control her kid and the kid rules the family. I refuse to be one of those mom's, but I don't know what to do with her. She is constantly telling me "No" and yelling. And she only does this with me and B. None of the grandparents or anyone ever sees it! Is this just the terrible twos??? Any advice is welcome. Oh and on a plus side, Lillian asked to use the potty yesterday and actually peed!!! Well this post is long and boring enough, I'll get to Adult time later...

I call Bulls@$!

I do not believe my daughter is suffering from night terrors. I have had a horrible cold with aches, pains and come and go fever since Sunday. I believe this is what my daughter had and I don't care what the doctor said. Lillian hasn't woken in the night screaming since the night I took her to the doctor. I think today I may finally be starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel with this cold. It has gone from aches and pains and sinus headache, to can't breathe out my nose cause it's stuffed and running (yup I was the hot girl at work with a tissue stuck up her nose) to today sore throat from not being able to breathe. As you can see in my ticker, this cold has been helping me in the diet area. Only 5 days left until I can start eating half way normal again and I've lost almost 20 lbs! My goal is to lose another 3lbs in the next 5 days. And if I continue to not even want to eat anything that just may be possible. This post nasal drip has me feeling sick to my stomach most of the day so eating isn't even appealing! If you made it through that, in other news, I did accomplish a few more things this week. I designed Lillian's Birthday T-shirt:

It probably has a copyright issue, but I'm not selling it or profiting from it in any way, unlike some of the ones I found on the web for $20+. I'm guessing those people don't have a copyright to it, so I think I'm ok. And her tutu is almost finished. Light pink and purple with the bright blue of Dora's bracelet for the trim. I also got the white shirt and leggings from W.almart last night for $7. I think total her outfit is going to cost me about $10, YAY me!!! I can't wait to post pictures of her in her outfit! Oh and we've been talking with Lilly about the Binkie Bunny and how he's going to come and take Lilly's Binkie so he can give it to another little baby. I try to talk about it every time she's asking for it. I'm going to either try and replace it with a Dora doll or a Dora blanket, which ever I can fit into my budget between now and then. The weekend is almost here, hang in there folks!

Stress...

That seems to describe my life lately. The problem is, figuring out where the stress is coming from.

I really think that everyday life is stressful to some extent and that it has just been a little extra stressful in most areas this past week. I won't bore you with Husband irritations or Daughter attitudes, because really it's just the same old, same old.

I did have a small sense of accomplishment on Friday when I got Lillian's Birthday Party invitations sent out. I also did my Easter shopping. This year for Lillian's Easter basket I decided to get something useful. She is getting a Little People Bus Wagon with blocks in it and a few plastic Easter Eggs filled with some M&Ms. Much more practical than your everyday basket.

And Being that her Birthday is the day before Easter this year I didn't think she really needs much. I also got a few things for her Birthday party. It's going to be a Dora themed Barbecue. If anyone has some suggestions on BBQ food to fit the Dora theme I'd love to hear them!

This weekend was a shower for my friends Heather and Ali that just welcomed their little girl Shaelan.

And yes, I was the fool that almost gave them an outfit that said "Daddy's Star". Thankfully I noticed it while I was wrapping it and didn't. Then yesterday I don't know if I came down with the flu or if it's just a bad sinus cold, but I feel horrible! Achy and my heads all stuffed up, no energy and I don't really even want to move. My husband was nice enough to go do my grocery shopping for me and then take Lillian to my MILs so I could get some rest. Of course I'm at work today even though I probably shouldn't be. I only have 5 vacation days left until August and I'll be damned if I'm going to spend them sick in bed!

The diet is going ok. I'm proud of myself for the strength I've shown over the last week. Several times I wanted to break down and didn't. Although on Saturday because of the shower I did eat off plan. But it was the only thing I ate all day and I didn't even gain half a lb back. And then with feeling so sick yesterday all I ate all day was an Orange Dream Slushy, which is on plan, so this morning I woke up to a nice # that is my pre-pregnancy weight!

Successful Weekend???

I think overall yes it was a successful weekend. For not having any plans, I got a few things accomplished. I talked to B about getting rid of the Binkie. Lillian is so dependant on it at home, but at the sitter she doesn't even ask for it! So we started "Operation Binkie Bunny". We once again have taken away the binkie at nap time. On Easter, the "Binkie Bunny" will leave her a basket of treats, but for a trade he will be taking her binkies. I really want to get rid of the binkie before we start potty training only because I don't want a regression in the potty training later when we try and take away the binkie. Getting her to nap was difficult this weekend, but when she did fall asleep she slept quite a while. Poor girl woke up with a fever this morning though :( I hope it doesn't last long, she didn't seem to have any other symptoms of anything so I'm not sure what's causing it. As for me, I mad it through the whole weekend without cheating on my food!!! Saturday while at my MIL's I so badly wanted a turkey sandwich, but I resisted. I told myself it wasn't worth it. And it worked, since Friday morning I've lost 3.2lb. My goal, though it may be a little tough, is to be down another 7.6 lbs by next Monday. This will put me at a weight I haven't seen in over a year! This morning's plan to add some yoga into my daily routine didn't pan out the way I wanted. Lillian's fever woke her up at 3:30 am, not know she had a fever, I left her try and sooth herself until 4 when I brought her to bed with me. A half hour later my alarm went off, although I was still awake. And I got up to use my wii fit for the first time in almost a year. Well Lillian wanted to lay on the couch and watch, then the batteries in both the remote and board were dead. Then Lillian wanted to be with me. So needless to say, I didn't get any yoga in. We'll try again tomorrow...

Hanging out with her friend Maggie in Grandma's Chair

Improving

Yesterday was a hard day. I was feeling defeated. I had cheated on my diet again on Tuesday night and though I didn't gain much, I still didn't lose, and rightfully I shouldn't have. I am finding that I am an emotional eater. And well when it's the diet causing me to want to emotionally eat it creates all sorts of turmoil in me. Yesterday I purposely made something for B and Lilly that I don't like because I didn't want to give in. And then I didn't even go relax with them while they ate. I worked in the kitchen, prepared more food for myself for the week and kept busy until it was time for bed. Poor B didn't like this much and could tell I wasn't doing well. He hugged me and offered to do anything to help, all I asked from him was for some understanding while I got through the day. And it paid off. I'm at my lowest yet this morning! A small victory in it's own, but hopefully motivation to stay focused.

And Lilly is making small improvements too. Last night she was insisting she could feed the dogs herself (mind you our dogs on all 4s are as tall as she is) and I told her no she needed to close the food bin. She looked at me and was about to say "don't..." I just gave her a look and she stopped before she even got all of don't out and said "sorry mom". There was one other incident after that with "don't talk to me" after she was told not to touch something and her refusing to sit in time out. I gave her the option of a spank or time out and she chose spank. But that was the end of it. And please don't think a spanking is much in my house. It's just a light tap on the butt, but to her the thought of mommy "hitting" her on purpose, no matter how light, is effective. Considering she didn't nap all day, I was pleased. And she is doing well with saying "please stop" rather than "stop it!"

She insisted her baby be buckled in too!

Rough Weekend

My daughter has developed an awful attitude. She has started to say things like

• Get
• Don't talk to me
• Shut up
• No, in a snotty tone
• You go to bed bed now mom
• or sit NOW mom

We are trying time out for now with progressively longer times, but the girl is making me want to pull my hair out. On top of it she is whining about EVERYTHING. She will be perfectly fine playing and then BAM she wants her juice so she's all whiny.

On Saturday we went to my MIL's house and she made Spaghetti and meatballs with sausage, my favorite. She was nice enough to ask me first if it was ok and I told her yes because no one else should suffer because I'm on a diet. B has been great about eating what I'm eating, but I couldn't refuse him one of his favorites. It was soooo hard to resist, but by not sitting with them when they ate, I did it.

Then Sunday when I weighed myself, I didn't even lose 1/2 a pound and I felt soo defeated anyway. I really tried to not let it bother me because I ate most of my food in the evening, but it was hard. Grocery shopping seemed even harder. We went to my mom's for dinner and some basketball watching and I just couldn't resist anymore. I ate 2 chicken fajitas with them (using all fat free toppings) and had some of her avocado salsa, which isn't bad for you except the chips you eat with it. So I gained back 1.6lbs yesterday morning.

I was back on track yesterday though! And I lost 1.2lbs this morning :) I think this coming weekend I may just try and stay at home, that will probably help a lot!

Woe is Me

I will lose this attitude! Lately I have been feeling broken and like a failure. The other day my GP asked me if I was ready to begin fertility testing and I told him no. The thing is, the only reason I don't want to is because I want to fix this on my own. I don't want to admit that something is wrong. I am coming to grips with this though and I think I'm in a spot where all couples suffering from any sort of infertility go through. I'm also realizing that the longer I sit in this spot and not getting tested, the longer it will be before I get what I want.

As for feeling like a failure, its a feeling I get every time I realize Lillian has made great strides in something. This week was the realization that she now does a great job (for her age) brushing her teeth. After her bath she climbs up her little step stool grabs her toothbrush and waits for me to put "paste" on it. Then while she brushes her teeth, I brush her hair. And she actually brushes them now rather than just sucking off the toothpaste. I credit this to my sitter, who along with her two boys, brush their teeth every morning. And she does several things with her that I wish I could, like craft time...

I will say though that if I must work, and I must, that I am so greatful to have such a wonderful sitter that does things with Lillian and loves her like one of her own.

More Changes to Come

Right now I'm all about making changes. And you will be seeing some here too. It's time for a change and a re-focus.

In February B and I went to Vegas and while we were certain that we caught that little egg while we were there. No AF symptoms or anything, until she showed up right on time, out of no where. This was VERY depressing for me and I decided it was time for a change. We currently aren't actively TTC, but we aren't preventing either. I am now focusing on losing some weight in hopes that it will help us become pregnant. To get to my "ideal" weight I need to lose about 60lbs. That's a lot! I will be happy to lose 40 right now. After some recommendations from friends I've decided to try the hcg diet. So far I'm on day 3 and things are going great!

I guess that's about it for now, I have lots rolling around in my head so I'm sure there will be more updates soon along with a new look to the blog...