Woe is Me

I will lose this attitude! Lately I have been feeling broken and like a failure. The other day my GP asked me if I was ready to begin fertility testing and I told him no. The thing is, the only reason I don't want to is because I want to fix this on my own. I don't want to admit that something is wrong. I am coming to grips with this though and I think I'm in a spot where all couples suffering from any sort of infertility go through. I'm also realizing that the longer I sit in this spot and not getting tested, the longer it will be before I get what I want.

As for feeling like a failure, its a feeling I get every time I realize Lillian has made great strides in something. This week was the realization that she now does a great job (for her age) brushing her teeth. After her bath she climbs up her little step stool grabs her toothbrush and waits for me to put "paste" on it. Then while she brushes her teeth, I brush her hair. And she actually brushes them now rather than just sucking off the toothpaste. I credit this to my sitter, who along with her two boys, brush their teeth every morning. And she does several things with her that I wish I could, like craft time...

I will say though that if I must work, and I must, that I am so greatful to have such a wonderful sitter that does things with Lillian and loves her like one of her own.