Monday, September 20, 2010

Is Anyone Reading???

I hope so, but at the same time really don't care.  I need an outlet and this is it for now.  Even though I have once again opened this up for all the internets too see!!!  I need to be honest with myself and the world so here it is for all to see.

I am still having a very hard time at work.  After 16 months of being back to work you would think that I would have adjusted by now.  But if I am completely honest I have not.  Not one bit.  I dread leaving her every day and do nothing but think about her all day and constantly try to think of ways that I could work from home, or not at all for that matter.  I have my boutique that I opened up online and I would love to make it my full time job, but it just can't happen.  I wouldn't be able to work and keep up with orders while I was building up the business enough to leave my job. 

No I don't want to be home because I think she will forget who mommy is or because I don't think the sitter takes good care of her or any of those typical initial feelings.  I want to be home with her because I feel like I am missing so much of her life.  My favorite thing is to watch her learn something knew.  And the look on her face when she figures something out for herself is priceless and I feel like I am missing those things.

I am also afraid that she may be our only little one.  We have been trying to get pregnant again since December and have had no luck.  Well I guess to be fair I have been trying to get pregnant again since Dec. just by trying to time things right.  We started aggressively started trying again in April.  In May I had a chemical pregnancy and last month I was for sure we finally did it.  I started producing colostrum again, was feeling tired and bloated, but AF showed right on time.  And guess what, I'm on CD 9 and still producing colostrum.  Not to mention AF has been gone for 4 days and I'm still cramping off and on.  I did take another test just to make sure and it was a BFN.  Today I will be calling the OBGYN to ask about having my hormone levels check.

I was going to talk about Potty training again, but I think this is enough unloading on the Internet for one day...

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