I call Bulls@$!

I do not believe my daughter is suffering from night terrors. I have had a horrible cold with aches, pains and come and go fever since Sunday. I believe this is what my daughter had and I don't care what the doctor said. Lillian hasn't woken in the night screaming since the night I took her to the doctor. I think today I may finally be starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel with this cold. It has gone from aches and pains and sinus headache, to can't breathe out my nose cause it's stuffed and running (yup I was the hot girl at work with a tissue stuck up her nose) to today sore throat from not being able to breathe. As you can see in my ticker, this cold has been helping me in the diet area. Only 5 days left until I can start eating half way normal again and I've lost almost 20 lbs! My goal is to lose another 3lbs in the next 5 days. And if I continue to not even want to eat anything that just may be possible. This post nasal drip has me feeling sick to my stomach most of the day so eating isn't even appealing! If you made it through that, in other news, I did accomplish a few more things this week. I designed Lillian's Birthday T-shirt:

It probably has a copyright issue, but I'm not selling it or profiting from it in any way, unlike some of the ones I found on the web for $20+. I'm guessing those people don't have a copyright to it, so I think I'm ok. And her tutu is almost finished. Light pink and purple with the bright blue of Dora's bracelet for the trim. I also got the white shirt and leggings from W.almart last night for $7. I think total her outfit is going to cost me about $10, YAY me!!! I can't wait to post pictures of her in her outfit! Oh and we've been talking with Lilly about the Binkie Bunny and how he's going to come and take Lilly's Binkie so he can give it to another little baby. I try to talk about it every time she's asking for it. I'm going to either try and replace it with a Dora doll or a Dora blanket, which ever I can fit into my budget between now and then. The weekend is almost here, hang in there folks!

Stress...

That seems to describe my life lately. The problem is, figuring out where the stress is coming from.

I really think that everyday life is stressful to some extent and that it has just been a little extra stressful in most areas this past week. I won't bore you with Husband irritations or Daughter attitudes, because really it's just the same old, same old.

I did have a small sense of accomplishment on Friday when I got Lillian's Birthday Party invitations sent out. I also did my Easter shopping. This year for Lillian's Easter basket I decided to get something useful. She is getting a Little People Bus Wagon with blocks in it and a few plastic Easter Eggs filled with some M&Ms. Much more practical than your everyday basket.

And Being that her Birthday is the day before Easter this year I didn't think she really needs much. I also got a few things for her Birthday party. It's going to be a Dora themed Barbecue. If anyone has some suggestions on BBQ food to fit the Dora theme I'd love to hear them!

This weekend was a shower for my friends Heather and Ali that just welcomed their little girl Shaelan.

And yes, I was the fool that almost gave them an outfit that said "Daddy's Star". Thankfully I noticed it while I was wrapping it and didn't. Then yesterday I don't know if I came down with the flu or if it's just a bad sinus cold, but I feel horrible! Achy and my heads all stuffed up, no energy and I don't really even want to move. My husband was nice enough to go do my grocery shopping for me and then take Lillian to my MILs so I could get some rest. Of course I'm at work today even though I probably shouldn't be. I only have 5 vacation days left until August and I'll be damned if I'm going to spend them sick in bed!

The diet is going ok. I'm proud of myself for the strength I've shown over the last week. Several times I wanted to break down and didn't. Although on Saturday because of the shower I did eat off plan. But it was the only thing I ate all day and I didn't even gain half a lb back. And then with feeling so sick yesterday all I ate all day was an Orange Dream Slushy, which is on plan, so this morning I woke up to a nice # that is my pre-pregnancy weight!

Successful Weekend???

I think overall yes it was a successful weekend. For not having any plans, I got a few things accomplished. I talked to B about getting rid of the Binkie. Lillian is so dependant on it at home, but at the sitter she doesn't even ask for it! So we started "Operation Binkie Bunny". We once again have taken away the binkie at nap time. On Easter, the "Binkie Bunny" will leave her a basket of treats, but for a trade he will be taking her binkies. I really want to get rid of the binkie before we start potty training only because I don't want a regression in the potty training later when we try and take away the binkie. Getting her to nap was difficult this weekend, but when she did fall asleep she slept quite a while. Poor girl woke up with a fever this morning though :( I hope it doesn't last long, she didn't seem to have any other symptoms of anything so I'm not sure what's causing it. As for me, I mad it through the whole weekend without cheating on my food!!! Saturday while at my MIL's I so badly wanted a turkey sandwich, but I resisted. I told myself it wasn't worth it. And it worked, since Friday morning I've lost 3.2lb. My goal, though it may be a little tough, is to be down another 7.6 lbs by next Monday. This will put me at a weight I haven't seen in over a year! This morning's plan to add some yoga into my daily routine didn't pan out the way I wanted. Lillian's fever woke her up at 3:30 am, not know she had a fever, I left her try and sooth herself until 4 when I brought her to bed with me. A half hour later my alarm went off, although I was still awake. And I got up to use my wii fit for the first time in almost a year. Well Lillian wanted to lay on the couch and watch, then the batteries in both the remote and board were dead. Then Lillian wanted to be with me. So needless to say, I didn't get any yoga in. We'll try again tomorrow...

Hanging out with her friend Maggie in Grandma's Chair

Improving

Yesterday was a hard day. I was feeling defeated. I had cheated on my diet again on Tuesday night and though I didn't gain much, I still didn't lose, and rightfully I shouldn't have. I am finding that I am an emotional eater. And well when it's the diet causing me to want to emotionally eat it creates all sorts of turmoil in me. Yesterday I purposely made something for B and Lilly that I don't like because I didn't want to give in. And then I didn't even go relax with them while they ate. I worked in the kitchen, prepared more food for myself for the week and kept busy until it was time for bed. Poor B didn't like this much and could tell I wasn't doing well. He hugged me and offered to do anything to help, all I asked from him was for some understanding while I got through the day. And it paid off. I'm at my lowest yet this morning! A small victory in it's own, but hopefully motivation to stay focused.

And Lilly is making small improvements too. Last night she was insisting she could feed the dogs herself (mind you our dogs on all 4s are as tall as she is) and I told her no she needed to close the food bin. She looked at me and was about to say "don't..." I just gave her a look and she stopped before she even got all of don't out and said "sorry mom". There was one other incident after that with "don't talk to me" after she was told not to touch something and her refusing to sit in time out. I gave her the option of a spank or time out and she chose spank. But that was the end of it. And please don't think a spanking is much in my house. It's just a light tap on the butt, but to her the thought of mommy "hitting" her on purpose, no matter how light, is effective. Considering she didn't nap all day, I was pleased. And she is doing well with saying "please stop" rather than "stop it!"

She insisted her baby be buckled in too!

Rough Weekend

My daughter has developed an awful attitude. She has started to say things like

• Get
• Don't talk to me
• Shut up
• No, in a snotty tone
• You go to bed bed now mom
• or sit NOW mom

We are trying time out for now with progressively longer times, but the girl is making me want to pull my hair out. On top of it she is whining about EVERYTHING. She will be perfectly fine playing and then BAM she wants her juice so she's all whiny.

On Saturday we went to my MIL's house and she made Spaghetti and meatballs with sausage, my favorite. She was nice enough to ask me first if it was ok and I told her yes because no one else should suffer because I'm on a diet. B has been great about eating what I'm eating, but I couldn't refuse him one of his favorites. It was soooo hard to resist, but by not sitting with them when they ate, I did it.

Then Sunday when I weighed myself, I didn't even lose 1/2 a pound and I felt soo defeated anyway. I really tried to not let it bother me because I ate most of my food in the evening, but it was hard. Grocery shopping seemed even harder. We went to my mom's for dinner and some basketball watching and I just couldn't resist anymore. I ate 2 chicken fajitas with them (using all fat free toppings) and had some of her avocado salsa, which isn't bad for you except the chips you eat with it. So I gained back 1.6lbs yesterday morning.

I was back on track yesterday though! And I lost 1.2lbs this morning :) I think this coming weekend I may just try and stay at home, that will probably help a lot!

Woe is Me

I will lose this attitude! Lately I have been feeling broken and like a failure. The other day my GP asked me if I was ready to begin fertility testing and I told him no. The thing is, the only reason I don't want to is because I want to fix this on my own. I don't want to admit that something is wrong. I am coming to grips with this though and I think I'm in a spot where all couples suffering from any sort of infertility go through. I'm also realizing that the longer I sit in this spot and not getting tested, the longer it will be before I get what I want.

As for feeling like a failure, its a feeling I get every time I realize Lillian has made great strides in something. This week was the realization that she now does a great job (for her age) brushing her teeth. After her bath she climbs up her little step stool grabs her toothbrush and waits for me to put "paste" on it. Then while she brushes her teeth, I brush her hair. And she actually brushes them now rather than just sucking off the toothpaste. I credit this to my sitter, who along with her two boys, brush their teeth every morning. And she does several things with her that I wish I could, like craft time...

I will say though that if I must work, and I must, that I am so greatful to have such a wonderful sitter that does things with Lillian and loves her like one of her own.

More Changes to Come

Right now I'm all about making changes. And you will be seeing some here too. It's time for a change and a re-focus.

In February B and I went to Vegas and while we were certain that we caught that little egg while we were there. No AF symptoms or anything, until she showed up right on time, out of no where. This was VERY depressing for me and I decided it was time for a change. We currently aren't actively TTC, but we aren't preventing either. I am now focusing on losing some weight in hopes that it will help us become pregnant. To get to my "ideal" weight I need to lose about 60lbs. That's a lot! I will be happy to lose 40 right now. After some recommendations from friends I've decided to try the hcg diet. So far I'm on day 3 and things are going great!

I guess that's about it for now, I have lots rolling around in my head so I'm sure there will be more updates soon along with a new look to the blog...

How Things Change

It's amazing how things change over time. This morning I was thinking about what I thought I wanted when I was in high-school. I wanted to become a successful engineer who could take care of herself, then I would get married and have a family and of course still have my career.

Today all that seems so foolish to me. Well besides the family. I have my little family and I love them with all my heart. I now wish I didn't have such a good job and that my husband had a better one. Don't get me wrong, he does have a good job and helps support the family, but he couldn't support us on his own if he had to.

I guess what I'm trying to say is: "screw having a successful job, I want to be at home with my little girl and I can't because at the age of 18 I was to damn determined to be self sufficient."

She's growing up so fast! Last night she put her pajamas on BY HERSELF!!! Of course this was after she wanted to pretend she was a baby and have me hold her and rock her while holding her sippy cup for her. She's a goof and just loves to role play. She has such an imagination.

In other news, I've been running about 2 miles a day, 4 days a week for a few weeks now. Some mornings I hate it and others I love it. Either way, I'm doing it. I need to shed some of this fat!

We have also been trying to make Lillian a big sister for over a year now. We will be going to Vegas for a few days this month so we have decided to wait until Lillian turns 2 before we start any testing. As my friends one by one announce their pregnancies I remind myself that it will happen when it's meant to. Only the perfect egg and prefect sperm can create something as wonderful as my Lillian.

18 Months!

I really can't believe my baby girl is 18 months.  I swear she gets smarter every day!  And boy does her personality get stronger and stronger, she certainly knows what she wants.

She loves her sitter and the kids there.  When she gets up in the morning I ask her where she's going and she says Traci and then lists the kids she's going to see.  Some days asking her is the only way to get her to get dressed.  She used to be a morning person like her daddy, but more and more she wants to hang out in her PJs and watch her some Mickey.Mouse.Club.House or Bee.Movie.

We have put off potty training for a bit.  She started to cry and fight when you'd ask her if she had to go potty so I figure it was a sign that she wasn't ready.  So we made a step back to Pull.Ups. and we just let her use the potty when she asks to.

She can pretty much dress herself now.  She can put a shirt, pants, socks and shoes on now.  Every morning I let her pick out her shoes and hat.  Some times it makes for a comical outfit, but I like letting her have some independence.  Like the other day when she wore her First Birthday hat that's shaped like a cake with a candle on top.

And I can happily say that she is finally starting to grow some hair!!!  I can even put a clip in it, although there is no reason to at this point.

Here are some recent pictures of my Silly Lilly:

The Will of a 17 Month Old

My daughter has some serious will power.  Really not surprising considering her parents.

Potty training is, well it's going.  In the beginning she was doing great!  Now she has learned that if she holds it til nap time she'll get a pull-up on and can go in that rather than the potty.  Very frustrating, but I can't MAKE her go on the potty.  She will adamantly tell me no she didn't pee her pants as I'm looking at her with soaked legs.  But if she has a pull-up on she will run right over to me and ask for a new pull-up.  In the morning she refuses to even sit on the potty.  So I ask her "do you want to wear diapers again."  And the answer is always "No." and she sits down.  So I'm pretty sure she knows what I'm thinking about, but wants to make sure she does things on her own terms.

I have tossed around several thoughts about how to move forward as she didn't go in the potty at all this weekend.  My one thought is to not put a pull-up on her for naps and just make sure she sleeps on a protected surface.  The problem with this is asking the sitter the comply.  Obviously there would need to be a sheet or something that would need to be washed after nap time.

My second thought is to just go back to diapers for a week or two and try again then.

And of course not 5 minutes after discussing this with the sitter, Lillian gets up from her nap and uses the potty.  I really think she knows when she's driving me insane!