Successful Weekend???

I think overall yes it was a successful weekend. For not having any plans, I got a few things accomplished. I talked to B about getting rid of the Binkie. Lillian is so dependant on it at home, but at the sitter she doesn't even ask for it! So we started "Operation Binkie Bunny". We once again have taken away the binkie at nap time. On Easter, the "Binkie Bunny" will leave her a basket of treats, but for a trade he will be taking her binkies. I really want to get rid of the binkie before we start potty training only because I don't want a regression in the potty training later when we try and take away the binkie. Getting her to nap was difficult this weekend, but when she did fall asleep she slept quite a while. Poor girl woke up with a fever this morning though :( I hope it doesn't last long, she didn't seem to have any other symptoms of anything so I'm not sure what's causing it. As for me, I mad it through the whole weekend without cheating on my food!!! Saturday while at my MIL's I so badly wanted a turkey sandwich, but I resisted. I told myself it wasn't worth it. And it worked, since Friday morning I've lost 3.2lb. My goal, though it may be a little tough, is to be down another 7.6 lbs by next Monday. This will put me at a weight I haven't seen in over a year! This morning's plan to add some yoga into my daily routine didn't pan out the way I wanted. Lillian's fever woke her up at 3:30 am, not know she had a fever, I left her try and sooth herself until 4 when I brought her to bed with me. A half hour later my alarm went off, although I was still awake. And I got up to use my wii fit for the first time in almost a year. Well Lillian wanted to lay on the couch and watch, then the batteries in both the remote and board were dead. Then Lillian wanted to be with me. So needless to say, I didn't get any yoga in. We'll try again tomorrow...

Hanging out with her friend Maggie in Grandma's Chair

Improving

Yesterday was a hard day. I was feeling defeated. I had cheated on my diet again on Tuesday night and though I didn't gain much, I still didn't lose, and rightfully I shouldn't have. I am finding that I am an emotional eater. And well when it's the diet causing me to want to emotionally eat it creates all sorts of turmoil in me. Yesterday I purposely made something for B and Lilly that I don't like because I didn't want to give in. And then I didn't even go relax with them while they ate. I worked in the kitchen, prepared more food for myself for the week and kept busy until it was time for bed. Poor B didn't like this much and could tell I wasn't doing well. He hugged me and offered to do anything to help, all I asked from him was for some understanding while I got through the day. And it paid off. I'm at my lowest yet this morning! A small victory in it's own, but hopefully motivation to stay focused.

And Lilly is making small improvements too. Last night she was insisting she could feed the dogs herself (mind you our dogs on all 4s are as tall as she is) and I told her no she needed to close the food bin. She looked at me and was about to say "don't..." I just gave her a look and she stopped before she even got all of don't out and said "sorry mom". There was one other incident after that with "don't talk to me" after she was told not to touch something and her refusing to sit in time out. I gave her the option of a spank or time out and she chose spank. But that was the end of it. And please don't think a spanking is much in my house. It's just a light tap on the butt, but to her the thought of mommy "hitting" her on purpose, no matter how light, is effective. Considering she didn't nap all day, I was pleased. And she is doing well with saying "please stop" rather than "stop it!"

She insisted her baby be buckled in too!

Rough Weekend

My daughter has developed an awful attitude. She has started to say things like

• Get
• Don't talk to me
• Shut up
• No, in a snotty tone
• You go to bed bed now mom
• or sit NOW mom

We are trying time out for now with progressively longer times, but the girl is making me want to pull my hair out. On top of it she is whining about EVERYTHING. She will be perfectly fine playing and then BAM she wants her juice so she's all whiny.

On Saturday we went to my MIL's house and she made Spaghetti and meatballs with sausage, my favorite. She was nice enough to ask me first if it was ok and I told her yes because no one else should suffer because I'm on a diet. B has been great about eating what I'm eating, but I couldn't refuse him one of his favorites. It was soooo hard to resist, but by not sitting with them when they ate, I did it.

Then Sunday when I weighed myself, I didn't even lose 1/2 a pound and I felt soo defeated anyway. I really tried to not let it bother me because I ate most of my food in the evening, but it was hard. Grocery shopping seemed even harder. We went to my mom's for dinner and some basketball watching and I just couldn't resist anymore. I ate 2 chicken fajitas with them (using all fat free toppings) and had some of her avocado salsa, which isn't bad for you except the chips you eat with it. So I gained back 1.6lbs yesterday morning.

I was back on track yesterday though! And I lost 1.2lbs this morning :) I think this coming weekend I may just try and stay at home, that will probably help a lot!

Woe is Me

I will lose this attitude! Lately I have been feeling broken and like a failure. The other day my GP asked me if I was ready to begin fertility testing and I told him no. The thing is, the only reason I don't want to is because I want to fix this on my own. I don't want to admit that something is wrong. I am coming to grips with this though and I think I'm in a spot where all couples suffering from any sort of infertility go through. I'm also realizing that the longer I sit in this spot and not getting tested, the longer it will be before I get what I want.

As for feeling like a failure, its a feeling I get every time I realize Lillian has made great strides in something. This week was the realization that she now does a great job (for her age) brushing her teeth. After her bath she climbs up her little step stool grabs her toothbrush and waits for me to put "paste" on it. Then while she brushes her teeth, I brush her hair. And she actually brushes them now rather than just sucking off the toothpaste. I credit this to my sitter, who along with her two boys, brush their teeth every morning. And she does several things with her that I wish I could, like craft time...

I will say though that if I must work, and I must, that I am so greatful to have such a wonderful sitter that does things with Lillian and loves her like one of her own.

More Changes to Come

Right now I'm all about making changes. And you will be seeing some here too. It's time for a change and a re-focus.

In February B and I went to Vegas and while we were certain that we caught that little egg while we were there. No AF symptoms or anything, until she showed up right on time, out of no where. This was VERY depressing for me and I decided it was time for a change. We currently aren't actively TTC, but we aren't preventing either. I am now focusing on losing some weight in hopes that it will help us become pregnant. To get to my "ideal" weight I need to lose about 60lbs. That's a lot! I will be happy to lose 40 right now. After some recommendations from friends I've decided to try the hcg diet. So far I'm on day 3 and things are going great!

I guess that's about it for now, I have lots rolling around in my head so I'm sure there will be more updates soon along with a new look to the blog...