Guilty or Not Guilty?

Me, I'm some where in between and it changes based on how I'm feeling every day. I'm talking about the guilty feelings of TTC.



TTC with a child and TTC without a child are completely different in some emotional aspects. Yesterday I was talking with my TTC friends and we were discussing what our TTC plans are and what lengths we are willing to go to to get our 2nd pregnancy. It made me realize that depending on what lengths you went to the first time makes you feel different about the second time. For the girl that knows she will have to do IVF to get pregnant, she is completely content with her family of 3 and does not want to have to do another fresh IVF cycle. The girl that has suffered many miscarriages is also very happy with her twin girls. She plans to try for only 6 months with no medical procedures. If it doesn't happen, she too is extremely happy. Then there is me. I've had one miscarriage, and was about to begin fertility testing when I got pregnant with my precious little girl. At this point I'm not sure how far I am willing to go to get pregnant again. What I do know is that I can't wrap my head around the thought of us being a family of 3 forever.



This is where guilty or not guilty comes in. Lillian is the light of my life and I love her more than anything in the world. I feel guilty for not being happy with just her, for refusing to believe that she will be my only child. I appreciate the fact that I didn't need any medical intervention to get her and I can't imagine a more perfect child, but I can't imagine not having another one either.



Some times I don't feel as guilty because I know Lillian will be an amazing big sister. She loves babies (even the ones that are only months younger than her). She likes to play with them, "read" to them, and take care of them any way you will let her. She is the only child I've ever scene not get mad when her mommy is holding another baby for a prolonged period of time.



But what I can't get out of my head is "why can't she be enough?" All my life all I've wanted is a family. Before my teen years I wanted lots of kids, in my teen years I decided I wanted to be an independent woman and have a career so I decided 2 kids and a good job would be great. Now, all I want is to be a SAHM or even a WAHM with as many kids as god is willing to give me. And I just can't accept that it will only be one.



Sorry for rambling so much, I hope it makes sense and doesn't jump all over too much! I will leave you with pictures of my favorite times!

I Got Lucky!

Not the way I want or the way I enjoy, but in the blood drawing sense, I was pretty lucky today.

I went for my blood work today and when I first got there I realized there were at least 2 other girls there doing a glucose test. I only know this because I saw the bottles in their hands. After registering I go into the lab and the lady just looked at me like I was crazy. Then she says "Do you have an appointment?" I must have looked as shocked as I was. I said "No, I was told I didn't need one." I really thought she was going to tell me to come back because they do all the labs for the hospital and considering it is time sensitive I thought she was going to tell me to come back later.

There was no way I was fasting any longer though! 8:30pm to 9am was long enough. Turns out she was nicer than I thought though because she ended up doing all but one of my blood draws. The first draw was 8 vials! And when I realized she didn't use the butterfly (I can't look at needles in me) I was surprised at how steady her hand was. The worst part of getting my blood drawn is when they switch vials and the needle moves your vein around.

While pregnant with Lillian I only had to do the 1 hour glucose test, so I didn't realize that they were going to have to draw blood 4 times during this one! Nor did I think I was going to be able to pee in a cup every time they drew blood.

I'm glad it's done with though. And I escaped with minimal marks. So far no bruising, even though I was poked in the same spot twice! Just some red marks. And the worst part is from where the tape irritated my skin from being put on and ripped off twice!

Now I just have to get B's sample to the lab and my hsg done.

Where Do We Go From Here???

Yesterday was my appointment with my midwife to talk about fertility testing. One of the things she said, that I hadn't thought about was "Have you talked about how far you are willing to go?" This is something I don't even know how I feel about. I have been so focused on finding out what is wrong that I haven't even considered what I may have to do to "fix" it. I really do want another baby in the worst way, I just can't imagine never being pregnant again and I can't imagine Lillian being an only child, but I don't know what lengths I would want (or be able to afford) to go to in order for those things to happen.

For the time being I am going to continue to procrastinate on thinking about IUI or IVF. Right now we are starting with the basics.

Because my midwife is so wonderful and knows my history she pretty much already had a plan in mind. She verified with me that I had used some sort of ovulation detection method and that we had timed intercourse for at least 12 cycles. We are starting with some blood work for me, checking hormone levels and such. Then I will go for an HSG. In the mean time B is going to have his sperm analyzed. Although we have talked in the past about him having to do this, the look on his face when I told him what the little cup was for was priceless.

So in 3 weeks we go back to discuss the results of the testing with the office OB and decide where we want to go from there.

On a happy note, it felt great yesterday when the nurse took my weight. Based on my last weight she put the weight weight at 200 and then had to move it back to 150! I honestly can't remember the last time that little counter weight was at the 150 mark!

Oh and Mother's day was great! We started our garden and we've been working in it nightly as a family. It's been so much fun! Lillian even planted her own Blackberry bush! I wish I had pictures, but my hands were a little too dirty to be handling a camera!

Appreciating My Infertility

Sounds crazy doesn't it? I have to appreciate some of the things that have come into my life because of my infertility though.

When we first started trying I joined the What.To.Expect website where I got to chat with all sorts of women who were trying to get pregnant just like me. I didn't really have a chance to get to know too many people since I was only there for 2 cycles, but there was one forum that I joined that I stayed and chatted with the girls. When I had my miscarriage these girls were there for me and helped me through the tough time. After a year there were still 8 of us in this forum and now almost 4 years later we still all talk pretty much on a daily basis.

These girls have helped me through so much and they understand what I'm going through. These girls are the ones that I cried tears of joy for when they told me they were pregnant and again when they had their little ones. The ones I run to when my mom tells me "don't worry, you're stressing too much."

And these girls are there with their kind words and positive thoughts every month when announce the arrival of the unwanted guest after I excitedly told them for a week how sure I was I was pregnant. They don't judge or think I'm crazy for having symptoms every month.

And now that we all have little ones they are a great support for those tough parenting situations. We also love to share stories, pictures and all the stress that comes with parenting.

I hope that if you are suffering from infertility you can find something good in it.

Just Relax

Reading the comment on yesterday's blog made me realize that many women have no idea there is two different kinds of "relaxing" when it comes to TTC. And in those two different kinds there are varying degrees for each individual.

For most couples when you first start trying it is completely relaxed, and most couples don't even realize that in all reality you really only have about 9 days where becoming pregnant is possible as long as the couple has healthy sperm and eggs. I don't know what school teaches now, but they never taught me that. Sperm can live for approximately 7 day in the most fertile conditions and an egg will be viable anywhere from 12 to 48 hours. This is the most optimal time for conception.

Most women also don't realize that their body is constantly giving them signs as to what part of your cycle you are in. When I was in school I was taught that if you have your period you are most likely not going to get pregnant, the rest of your cycle you can easily get pregnant. I understand the scare tactic, I really do, but it's definitely not truthful. The truth is, approximately 48 hours after you ovulate until you start menstruating, you have less chance of getting pregnant than any other time in your cycle.

I would say somewhere around the 6th month of trying most couples start to wonder why they aren't pregnant yet. In reality this is only 6 tries at getting pregnant, but 6 months feels like forever. This is where the women start doing research on "how to get pregnant". This is also when they learn about all the myths of infertility, like relaxing, or this sex position increases your chances, or put your hips in the air... the list can go on and on.

Eventually you either read about you Basal Body Temperature (BBT) or you go see your doctor and they tell you about it your BBT is the simplest at home way to tell if you are ovulating. I won't go into details, but basically you chart your temperature every morning, and you keep track of any discharge and cramps you may have. Most doctors, before proceeding with testing will require you to do this for 6 months. You get to know your body very intimately.

And here is where type one of relaxing ends. After 6 months of seeing that you are ovulating and paying close attention to what your body is telling you, it's kind of hard to stop. At this point doing a "relaxed" cycle pretty much just means that you aren't going to take your temperature every day, you aren't going to use ovulation predictor kits (OPKs) and you are going to try like hell to not take a test until after the day you expect your period.

But it is about impossible to stop paying attention to what you feel in your body. Especially if you have experienced pregnancy before. Every cycle you just know "this is it", when I got pregnant before I had cramps this many days after ovulation, or my breasts are tender this month, I have to be pregnant, or such and such only happens when I'm pregnant. But guess what, these things are never true. Many pregnancy symptoms are the same as your menstruation symptoms and no two pregnancies are the same. So every month you say "we're just going to relax" you do just fine until you notice your discharge is becoming fertile, and then you are ok for about a week until you realize "it's about time for implantation". And then your head spins and you don't know if what you are feeling is real or not.

If there is any infertile out there with advise on how to "relax" more please give the advice.

Even on a cycle where we have said "we're just going to have sex for fun this month, no timing, noting" I can't help but know that it's my fertile time. After months of keeping track of when you are fertile, you just know. And when you want a baby, you can't help but make sure you don't miss a chance.

I appreciate your comment Olive Oyl, and in all honestly what you suggested is exactly what we have been doing for the last 6 months. I charted my BBT long enough to confirm I was ovulating and that was it.

If anyone wants to learn more about their body and their cycle I suggest the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility. This book has taught me so much and I plan to have my daughter read it when she starts learning about reproduction in school. It teaches you how to know when you are fertile and when you are not and how to use your cycle signals as a natural family planning method.

I hope this all makes sense to everyone. It kind of just came pouring out.

Deciding to Get Tested

I am having trouble with this topic. I am the type of person that tries to put on a happy face to make sure everyone around me is happy, comfortable and worry free, while inside things may be eating me up. This being my personality it also means that I don't like going to someone and admitting something is wrong. Even though chances are good that I won't need IUI or IVF, the feeling that my body can't work on it's own really bothers me.

I know this will be a process, mentally, like finally getting on my happy pills. It took me a long time to accept the fact that depression was most likely going to be a part of my life forever. Now that I have admitted it and treat it, I feel better. And honestly no one would ever have to know if I didn't tell them. And the same will go for infertility.

I keep putting it off though. Back in Dec. 2010 my OB told me to call whenever I wanted to start testing. B and I decided we would wait until after the holidays. Then I decided that I will try and lose some weight first, I mean really, the first time I got pregnant I was a good 30lbs lighter than I was then. Now that I have lost weight I keep telling myself that I need to give it a few months to see if it works. What's it going to take for me to just go start the testing???

Some times I think "why haven't you started yet? The longer you wait the longer it will take, the older you will be, the older Lillian will be..."

I am to begin testing for pregnancy in a few days and if I have no good news to share I hope that I can be in the same mind set that I am right now that it's time.

Feel free to ask me any questions about my experiences or infertility in general. Is there a specific topic you are wondering about, just let me know.

How to Deal with an Infertile...

Here's the biggest problem dealing with an infertile... most of the time you don't know when you are. That's right, we don't carry a card in out pocket (unless you count the ones with the OB and RE's numbers on them) and we don't have signs around our necks. My point is, you never know if you are talking to someone who is having trouble conceiving. Questions such as:


~ When are you gonna start having kids?
~ Don't you think you should start a family?
~ So when's the next one coming?


Are really not appropriate questions to ask anyone if you don't know their situation. And yes they are all questions that I have been asked.


I remember being asked "when are you going to start having kids?" after my miscarriage. I already felt broken for not being able to keep my pregnancy and then again for not being able to get pregnant again. I didn't even know how to answer this question and finally just answered every inquiry with "When it happens, it happens" because really I don't want to tell you how broken I am.


I think the worst comment so far in my venture for my second bundle of joy came when I had been trying for 10 or 11 months. I ran into a girl I work with in the bathroom. She asked how the baby was and we chatted. Then she said "you know it's much easier to have your kids close in age, you should have another one now." All I said was "yeah that's what I've heard." What I really wanted to say was..."bitch, if my body worked like yours I would probably be out on maternity leave right now, but it doesn't so shut your pie hole!"


Just recently at a baby shower I was asked "When are you going to start trying for another one?" I honestly said "We've been trying for over a year." The girl actually talking to me said "Oh I'm so sorry." The girl sitting next to me said "Oh just relax and it will happen. You're thinking about it too much." Well guess what, we were very relaxed for the first 6 months and it didn't happen, what makes you think relaxing now will be any different.

Don't get me wrong, I think you should enquire with you close friends and family about their family plans, just do it in an appropriate way that won't make them want to gouge your eyes out. Questions such as:

~ Do you plan on having a family?
~ How many kids do you think you want to try for?
~ Do you plan on having more kids?

are much less invasive than the first set of questions. They also leave room for as much or as little information as the person wants to share. And if you do talk to an infertile couple, please don't recommend different things to try if you yourself have not had personal experience with it. There are many myths out there.

If you have a myth you would like to bust, please join in the challenge or if you would like to learn more about infertility visit Resolve

Infertility Awareness Week

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week, so I want to share some of my experiences with you.

There are many myths out there about infertility. I think the biggest one is that it is not common. Did you know that 1 in 8 couples have fertility issues? With statistics like that chances are you know someone who suffers from infertility.

Here are a few other myths:
~ Infertility means you can't get pregnant: this is true, but infertility also covers the repeated loss of pregnancy.

~ Infertility is a female condition: This is not true, of the couples suffering from infertility, approximately 17% are male factor cases.

~ If you get pregnant easily the first time you will not suffer from infertility: Secondary infertility is when you are able to get pregnant and have a baby and then can't get pregnant again.

I never knew what infertility even was until we decided we were ready to have a baby. As I was taught in school I figured all I needed to do was have unprotected sex and I would be pregnant. This in itself to me is a myth, but it is true for many couples. I thought it was true for us when we got pregnant only the 2nd month we tried. We were so excited, and kept the secret for about a week and announced it to all the family at Christmas. It was the best Christmas ever, until two weeks later when I started spotting. I hadn't even had my first OB appointment yet so they sent me for an Ultrasound to check on the pregnancy. There was a baby and it had a heartbeat of 94 bpm. To me this was a good sign, until 2 days later when I started cramping and they sent me for another ultrasound. This time the tech wouldn't show me the screen and I knew there was no heartbeat. I had prepared myself for the news already, but it was still devastating.

Doctors recommendations were to wait for my next cycle before we started crying again. This was fine with me, I needed time to mourn my loss. Again we made an incorrect assumption though. We thought that because we got pregnant so quickly the first time that within a cycle or two we would be pregnant again. Month after month we timed sex, I took my temperature, I used Ovulation Predictor Kits (OPKs), the cheap and the expensive and month after month a new cycle would begin. As we neared my due date for the first pregnancy I decided it was time to take a break. We were going to have sex for fun and if nothing happened I would schedule an appointment to start fertility testing. Not paying attention to my cycle turned out to be much harder than I anticipated so I made sure we were having timed sex. I wasn't even going to test because I was sure it was going to be negative. A few days after my original due date and a few days before our anniversary I decided to test anyway, after all it was becoming a habit. This time though, I didn't even look at the test. I made B go in the bathroom and look for me. I couldn't stand seeing another negative test. To my surprise he came back to the bedroom speechless and just shook his head yes. All of a sudden I was flooded with emotions. Joy, fear, excitement... I didn't know how I really felt.

For more information on infertility please visit http://www.resolve.org/infertility101 and http://www.resolve.org/takecharge. for more information on National Infertility Awareness Week® (NIAW)